Insomnia

So, I was unable to sleep last night. I was trying to make a dent organizing my bedroom after coming home from the movies (17 Again = way funnier than I thought it would be) and ended up going to bed at midnight even though I knew I had to be up at 6:45 (7:15 after multiple snoozes). MM had called me at 10:40 to see if I would come over, since he's pretty booked over the weekend. He said that if I come to his families party I'd probably meet his brother. Once again he said, IF I come. When he invited me he said this too. "IF you come you might want to bring support." I'm beginning to wonder if he wants me there at all. I don't want to go if he's going to drop me off at this party and say "see you later, have fun." I know he'll have to play "host" considering his family is throwing the thing, but I would think I'd see him some time during the day/night. I keep thinking that I won't take anyone. I mean the person I bring, won't know anyone but me so then I'd be playing babysitter. And if I have a friend I'll be less likely to try to mingle with his friends and family. So in an effort to force myself to be friendly I think I'm going to brave it alone. In preparation for this I checked out "How to win friends and influence people" from the library. (Yeah, I'm a dork)

Between this and the fact that I was notified that the recent job I applied for would like to telephone interview me, I was trying organize materials for my adjunct teaching job, and I have a Spanish test on Friday I was very agitated. I went to bed at midnight and tossed until 2:30, I fell asleep sometime after that, only to be woken at 5 by birds outside my window. Then I tossed some more until my alarm went off at 6:15, then 6:45, then 7:15. Finally at 7:30 I heard my mother banging around in the kitchen and I knew I'd be late to work.

I am thinking I am going to call in sick at my second job today. I can't see teaching people to dance and trying to be perky during aerobics when all I want to do is lie down and sleep. I know when I don't eat before teaching I have a tendency to get irritated with my students if they don't listen or take too long to grasp something. On the other hand I really want to work out. I have managed to come down a few pounds from the weight I gained this fall, but it's not down where I was last summer. I really want to loose at least 5 more pounds if not 8 or 10. But I can't do that if I don't work out. If I could stop stopping at Dunkin' Donuts for an Egg & cheese sandwich on tuesdays and thursdays I'd lose it too. I manged to go with out last week and this tuesday, but today I left so late and I needed to eat breakfast at least.

I have a stack of clothes from last summer that I can't fit into currently - or at least I don't think that I look good stuffing myself into them. I am terribly concerned about impressing MM's friends and family. Now that he's so aware of how they felt about his X (his father said "I told you so" when it didn't work out), he might listen a little more to them which means, they need to like me.

Weekend Away

A friend of MM's got married over the weekend. They were college friends - she belonged to a sorority that his fraternity often hung out/partied etc with - contrary to most assumptions they never dated. But they were such good friends that the family considers MM one of their own.

It was a little awkward at first considering everyone he knew was in the wedding party or family. The reception was fairly casual (but still extremely nice) and there were no assigned seats and we literally had no one to sit with. We got lost between our hotel and the reception and got there late. We ended up sitting with some of the bride's co-workers who were from out of town and didn't know anyone else. They were very friendly.

The food was not great for me. Being a vegetarian my choices were salad, over done vegetables, rolls, and dessert. Everyone else got potatoes (w/ bacon), chicken and beef tips. I'm kind of surprised that I didn't get more drunk considering how little I ate at dinner.

MM and I got up to dance the first song after the bridal dances were done - apparently we dance well together :) because the next time I went for a drink both bartenders were talking about what a good dancer I was. After that people really watched us on the dance floor. At one point MM made us sit down because the mother of the bride was telling her daughter to move out of the way so she could watch us (oops!). I even went up to an older family member (I believe on the groom's side) and asked him to dance, because he looked like he knew what he was doing. MM took that opportunity to go back to the bar. The bartender was even more impressed. From then I got totally hooked up on drinks. He totally over poured and added extra shots to my drinks.

While chatting to the bride's father about 1/2 way through the evening, MM invited the family (including bride and groom) to the MM family's big summer party. I was wondering if I'd get invited or if he'd make some excuse for not wanting to bring me because apparently it's his whole family, plus about 400 guests. A little while later he did invite me. Said his parents send an actual invite which he just got. MM said he'd love for me to come, but that I might want to bring a friend because he won't be available the whole time. That reads to me - "I want you to come, but I don't want to babysit you the whole time." He said I could hang out with his friends but that I Still want to bring "support." Apparently this is from prior experience, but I'm guessing the evil x probably gave him hell for not spending every minute with her.

When the reception was winding down we were chatting to the family. The mother of the bride told MM that I was winner and he better hang on to me :)! MM confided that in private they were talking and the mother admitted that she thought his x was a hag.

In between the wedding and reception we went to have a light lunch and check into our hotel. We talked a little about how I don't like hearing about the evil x. I rarely mention my exes to MM. If I do I use the very vague "friend" reference. I told him that I don't like thinking about him with other girls, so why would I want to put that image in his head about me.

What I really want to tell him is that when he talks about her I wonder 3 things...
1) if we end up exes will he speak badly of me to the next girl? What doesn't seem bad now might later on.
2) if he's really over her? Sure he ended the relationship because she was crazy, jealous, and overly materialistic (she didn't think her ring was big enough to impress anyone). But maybe he's not over the fact that this person he loved let him down in someway.
and 3)it just reminds me that he loved someone enough to ask her to marry him (even though he didn't go through with it) and I'm not 100% sure how he feels about me.

We danced at the reception to "More than Words" and another song I can't remember right now, but it also had the words I love you in it. He sang along. Now, I'm not going so far as to think he was saying "I love you," but it'd be as close as either of us have gotten. When he's busy he can go a few days with out calling. But if he has a particularly bad day he'll usually want to see me. He called me "stress free" company during his first set of finals in April.

On Sunday we went to brunch on the river front - which was incredibly pleasant. Funnily we ran into one of his co-workers even though we were out of town. We came home watched High Fidelity. Then he did homework and I went dancing.

All in all it was a fun weekend. I especially liked that I got his friend's family's approval just because I was reasonably friendly and a good dancer.

Kismet

It’s hard for me to believe in the idea that everything happens for a reason, that certain things/ events are just meant to be. Particularly because I have a hard time believing that there is a omniscient puppet master in the sky. I believe in free will not predestination. But recent occurrences in my life are starting to at least make me at least believe in serendipity.
MM went to live and work in Europe. He was supposed to be there for three years. After three months he decides to come back and propose to his girlfriend. Eventually he decides that he can’t marry her and they break up. His company doesn’t send him back to Europe.

Fast forward to OG’s birthday week: I don’t want to go out with her that Thursday and I know that if it were any other occasion I could probably bail on her, but not her birthday. So I go looking for a quiet night and end up meeting MM. Only the second guy I’ve met in a bar who’s phone calls I actually took, and the very first that I actually went on a date with. If he hadn't of come back for the awful x, or if I had decided to stay home and watch the VP candidate debates, we never would've met.

I recently applied for a job at my alma mater – a very big, very good, very famous university – knowing that I didn’t have a very good chance of getting the job there. But I managed to get my hopes up, forgetting that they would probably have hundreds of applicants. And I was rejected.

Yesterday I come to work and our clerk tells me that another campus of our College is hiring a full time position. They had just had a position open a few months ago, but I hadn’t been working here long enough to feel comfortable going for it. Now it’s been opened externally as well. Again, there will be a lot of applicants, but there is the added bonus of already working for the college.

I hate to get my hopes up again. But the deadline for the application is this Monday. My boss is coming in today (after a long weekend – gone fri and mon) and I need to talk to her about the possibility of me applying for this job. I’ve only been here for 9 months and when I applied I said I wanted a part-time position so that I could balance it with other things and opportunities. I have too, besides my dancing (which sadly has declined) I managed to teach English, aerobics, and dance and learn Spanish. That is going to be one of the down sides to leaving here. The upside being not having to drive around all the time. Another downside is that that my interests are really in line with my duties here and I don’t know if that will be the case at the new campus. But I really want to cut my commute and get my own place. I have been living at my mother’s house since the April 2008 (5 months after I left my previous job). Now, she’s telling me there is the possibility of my aunt selling her house and moving in with us. My mother’s husband already gives the vibe of not approving of my nights away; my aunt is super conservative (my step-dad is not) and won’t keep her mouth shut on that topic.

\I turned 30 this year. I need to get out on my own. I want to live by myself. I want to decorate my own space. :::sigh::: the boss should be here soon and I am suddenly getting very nervous.

Going through the Emotions

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm not happier outside of a relationship than in one.

Now, I know this wasn't true in college, because I was extremely depressed and had never been in a relationship. But in the past few years, I remember the time between the X and MM, even if you want to count NG (although not really a relationship). I just have this happy when I'm with him, miserable when I'm not mentality. It's almost bi-polar.

Although, I did have a small fight with MM recently. We were in the shower a week ago before going to breakfast and we got to talking about me being a vegetarian and how I'm not down with the dairy industry either. Neither of these things are news to him. But he was teasing me about believing propaganda because I had told him one of the reasons I dislike dairy and wish to give up cheese is because dairy cows are repeatedly artificially inseminated in order to continue milk production. Their bodies are over taxed and what nutrients they do consume goes into their milk and the growing calf. A normal cow's life span would be 20-25 years, but on a dairy farm (the factory farm - not the personal kind) it lives 3-5. He also had bones about the word "inhumane" and what it really means. (He claims that like woman a cow will continue to make milk as long as it is milked, but sadly that's not true)

I eventually got fed up - for one thing he was wrong which is proved by a non-animal rights agricultural article and the dictionary - for another I was tired, still wobbly from morning sex, with very low blood sugar (having not eaten since dinner the night before), and if I'm being totally honest, probably a little hormonal. At any rate, I got fed up, turned my back to him, turned the water off said I'm done and that he needed to get out, stop talking to me and leave me alone. I actually started to cry when he wouldn't leave me alone.

Now, he felt bad. He was teasing - although, I think that stems from deep repressed lack of respect for my vegetarian stance - he says that he does respect me, but that he's still going to push my buttons. And he says he'll still try to get me to eat meat. And he did apologize and tell me that I need to just smack him in the face and tell him to shut it when he goes to far.

The previous day we had been to the video store to get movies, I suggested "Holiday" (with Kate Winslet and Jack Black) and he did pick it up, then said that he thought he already owned it. But I had never seen it. Turns out his x has it - borrowed and never returned - and that he had bought it for the same reason - she wanted to see it. So I put it back. He said not to get worked up that everyone has a past. Again, I wasn't thinking clearly or I would have come up with a quick witted comment (like, and they need to stay there). Instead I just looked like I was being stupidly jealous.

Today he went with me too a bbq - he was the buffer for awkwardness that I really needed - on the way home we passed a ridiculously expensive restaurant. One that costs about $150-200 per person when you're done. He said he'd been there because he'd gotten tasting tickets for $125 that came with wine pairings. I had a feeling that this was going to end up being an x story. I was right. He prefaces with: I know you don't like stories with the x, but this is one you might like. (huh? what part of this am I supposed to like? Just because in it she acts like a jealous bitch (knew that already) and the punch line is that other people tell him that he can do better and the ladies love him. The funny part is he's told me this story before!

I don't know, I'm starting to amass a list of "need to talk about with MM" topics. He makes it seem like it's no big deal to talk about x's. He thinks it's silly to change an X into a "friend" in stories you tell your new SO. I personally think it makes a lot of sense. First of all what is the difference if a character in your story is the friend or the gf? Does it change the information I learn about you? Sure, it doesn't work in the "you can do better" story, but for the most part does it matter if a friend or boyfriend tried to teach to play golf - the point of the story is that I have a set of seldom used clubs and it would be fun to go out and give it another try. This is not what I said at the time.

He hasn't been calling me as much during the week as he used to. Once he asked why I hadn't called him, and I said that as the girl it wasn't my job. He said that it's a two way street. Once again I didn't say what I wanted to - mostly because I can't think of these things at the time.

I don't understand why my brain will not work when I am around him.

I am also getting a little worried about my moods. Generally my PMS doesn't start a whole week before my period. Generally when I've been on the pill I never really got PMS. I never used to notice PMS at all really. Until recently anyway. Now I just feel miserable. Not crampy, bloated miserable - but mood-wise. My freebie state insurance for women (since I don't get any work benefits) will not give me another check up until September. So in the meantime I'm stuck with these mood swings that I don't understand at all.

Ignorance is bliss

MM and I are going strong. Although, I have yet to have "the talk" with him. I seem to do well and accept our relationship as is for a couple of months and then freak out for a few weeks.

We went on a double date with OG and her boyfriend. We went to a restaurant that has dancing - the same place that J works. But I haven't laid eyes on J or had a conversation longer than "can you do a lesson this weekend? Good I'll mail you a check." About half way there MM and I start talking about jobs.

I work part time at a private college, and I also teach two fitness classes at a gym. If you don't count commuting I work 35 hours a week. Although with the drive I sometimes end up with 12 hour days. I also take a language class for four hours once a week. But my shift at the college is only 6 1/2 hours long (w/ lunch). MM works a 40+ hour week and goes to school twice a week for his MBA. Needless to say he's a bit sarcastic about my "difficult" schedule.

Getting a full time job in my field, however, is not easy. My state has one of the worst unemployment rates in the country, and there are two universities with in 40 miles of each other pumping out graduates in my profession. There is another school one state over and a fourth two states over. Funding is being cut at a ridiculous rate for my field, making it economical to hire part-time workers to save the cost of benefits.

Anyway - in defending my part time work situation to MM a few weeks ago, I mentioned this current hiring environment. To which he says, that if I need to look out of state for a job then I decide where I want to live and start applying for jobs.

Hmmm... did I miss something or did my boyfriend just tell me to leave town?

The evening was pretty much a bust, but I really couldn't bring myself to tell him why. MM accuses me of being passive aggressive, although I think I was the first person to mention it because when he came back from his New Years jaunt, I turned my phone off. But the more I consider it, the more I realize, I'm not passive aggressive, so much as I'm terrified of talking about my emotions. Or at least my "bad" ones. I am more than willing to tell him how happy I am, but the minute I'm unhappy I clam up and wait for the feeling to pass.

I know exactly why I do it too. Pretending that everything is wonderful is exactly what I grew up learning to do. No matter how much my parents fought, or my siblings and I fought, no matter what kind of trouble we got into at home, we were always the happy family with no problems of any kind. I heard on more than one occasion from my mother when we were out together that my siblings and I had "never caused me a day of grief in my life." Now maybe that's just a mother's hyperbole because my mother loved us. But it was an impossible standard to live up to and all it taught is is that everyone must see a perfect family regardless of what else was going on. Happy feelings were the only ones that mattered and all the others were ignored.


Despite the fact that my rational brain is screaming to share to tell him what is wrong so that it can be fixed. I am sure that he didn't literally mean to leave and get a job elsewhere so much as being supportive. He knows my part-time job is a dead end job with no potential for upward mobility. But I can't do it. The fear that there is even a small possibility that MM doesn't consider this relationship a long term one with real commitment possibilities just overwhelms me. If I don't ask, if I don't say, it hurts to me think that you wouldn't mind if I left town, or to say you know, I'm not really sure how you feel about me, then I can't hear the answer I don't want. If I never hear the answer I don't want then I can pretend that everything is okay.
I just know from previous experience with the X and the XX that I am more than likely blissfully waiting around to get my heart broken.

Wants list

Other than being his girlfriend, I want:

To cook more meals with him

To stay in on a weekend DAY and play games or watch TV

Spend to days or nights in a row together

Go to a wine tasting

Take a cooking class

Play a game of scrabble

Meet his family

Have him meet mine

Go home with him for Fourth of July

Meet more of his friends

Have him come to one of my shows

Tell him I love him

Find out when and why he didn't marry his X

Find out what he's doing for my birthday

Cowardly Lion

So a month later and I am still in the same boat. I had wanted to have some kind of "talk" with MM about our relationship. I just can't help thinking that I will hear something I don't want.

Our Valentine's great. He got me flowers and tickets to the theater, I got him booze. We cooked together, we ate, played a game, made love your typical V-day date.

The week after that we went to the theater. It was a fun time. I had found vintage looking dress and looked so good we had an impromptu photo shoot at the end of the night. He's going to try to make them look antique-y. I haven't seen them yet, although a few days later he texted me saying that I looked "stunning" in them.

He left for a long weekend over his spring break, came back for one night, and left on a business trip the next day. The night he was home we were supposed to hang and at the last minute he invited me to meet his bosses (the owner of his company and the head of the North American division - it's a small company even tho it's international). We went to a jazz club and had a drink with them. I mostly talked to the owner, and tried to be charming and appropriately flirtatious.

We went out when he got back on Friday to see a late show of The Watchmen and soaked in the hottub with OG afterwards. In the morning we had breakfast at a local diner. He spent the day watching movies and I went home to do laundry etc. I had a show that night and invited him (against my better judgment knowing he'd say no). He called asking how upset I'd be if he didn't come. I basically said that I invited him knowing full well that he wouldn't come. I was supposed to have a show the saturday he went for spring break. I had set it up especially so he could come and asked him well in advanced to put it on his calendar. But on Valentine's Day he asked if he could miss it because he wanted to visit this friend over spring break who had just had colon cancer surgery. The fact that he wouldn't come out this saturday because of the drive was extremely disapointing. I told him I'd eventually stop inviting him, and he replied not to give up on him yet.

The problem is that I am starting to give up. As much as I want to have this be a real relationship I have absolutely no clue how he feels. Since then I have not heard from him (it's tuesday) other than 3 lines of FB chat that I initiated and one text that I also initiated. Isn't he supposed to be calling me if he's thinking about me?

I had hoped to ask him to come out with my brother and sister-in-law this weekend, but if he doesn't call me I don't see how that's going to be possible. I know that I have to stop driving myself crazy trying to figure this guy out. I know that I can't just let go and let it take it's course. I keep trying to figure out ways of having the relationship talk ways of bringing it up and have yet to be able to do it. I've missed at least two good opportunities.

There are things I was looking forward to doing with him which is one of the reasons I keep waiting, but I find myself getting more and more emotional about it. I chicken out sometimes because I am afraid of the answer. I don't want to break up with him. But I can't make myself an emotional wreck either. I keep hoping that with time he'll make it clear to me and I'm afraid that he is with his apathy. I realized last night when I was thinking about our early dates, that he probably already has told me. On our second date I went over to his place and he made dinner we watched some tv and made out. He said that we'd go as far as I wanted but he'd try to get me into bed. At one point I made a joke that I wouldn't want to do anything that wouldn't make me respect him in the morning. And he said, if you don't respect me in the morning or ever call me again that'd be okay (or something to that effect). I didn't sleep with him for a couple of more weeks, but the point is what if that is the reality of the situation? What if even 5 months later, I'm just a fun girl to hang out with and have sex with? What if I ask to be his girlfriend and he says no?

I bought this card off of Etsy.com I don't know exactly what I'm going to say in it yet. Or if I'll even get to use it really. I really want to have the talk with him now. I am supposed to be near his place to study with OG (I'm taking a foreign language class this semester instead of teaching). I am hoping that he calls me today so that I can go over there after studying and over a glass of wine simply ask him "How do you feel about me?" to try to get the ball rolling. I just get really nervous when I think about it.

Freak Out

MM and I have been going out for four months. OG has twice now called him my boyfriend which has garnered her a couple of odd looks and his facebook page (which he joined 2 months after we started dating) lists his status as "single."

Last night we were talking and it came out that he's been engaged before. He still has the ring. He was living abroad, picked it out (spent quite a while finding it apparently), and cut his stay short to come back for her.

Now, obviously he's not with her. But, I had been wondering why he keeps mentioning his ex. Usually in a this-is-why-it-didn't-work-out kind of a way, although once in a while he'd throw out some strange detail. I have never met anyone who talked about exes or an ex except in passing. The X did some, but I swear every second or 3rd date MM says, "you know how I know that? The ex" or "and the reason it didn't work out with" or once he was mentioning how the ex had known of someone giving away pool table and didn't tell him about it because he would've wanted it.

So I am now freaking out. It's been four months and he's not owning up to being my boyfriend even though in all his actions he IS my boyfriend. I'm just afraid that I'm on my way to getting hurt.

We have plans for Valentine's Day and the next two weekends, but I am thinking that that may be it. I hate the idea of "games" but I have read He's Just Not That Into You (saw the movie too). And I think it's pretty clear.

Unsure not insecure

I'm starting to get a little depressed about my MM situation. I haven't seen him more than a week. He has been good about calling every couple of days. This is the second weekend in a row that he hasn't asked me what my plans are even though he did call to say hi on Wednesday.

Last weekend I had to go out of town. I was pretty sure I had told him that I was leaving on Friday. He called on Friday and seemed surprised that I was out of town. A) I said I was leaving and B) It was Friday. Either he wanted to go out at the last minute or he was just calling to say hi on a Friday night. We did end up talking for awhile. Then on Saturday as I attempted to drive home through a snowstorm he called again to see if I'd gotten in okay or stopped to wait out the storm. That I did think was pretty nice.

But the weekend is here again and nothing from him.

I see this petering out. If he doesn't get his act together and start making plans with me ahead of time I'm going to have to move on.

I would love to chalk it up to him thinking I've been wooed and he doesn't need to do anything anymore. But he recently joined Facebook and he's listed as Single. If he's still single then I'm still single and he better start re-wooing or he's not going to have somebody to woo at all.

Valentine's Day is in less than a month. I've had multiple invites to go out of town for a dancing event. I was putting it off because I figured that MM and I would be pretty close by now. But it seems like we're farther apart than ever. I'm considering going away for V-Day. Unless he makes some kind of effort between now and then. I don't see this happening.

I feel like I shoulder some blame. The last time I saw him was last week. He texted me while I was at a friend's house not far from him. So I called back and when he knew where I was asked if I wanted to sleep at his place instead of going home. And the time I saw him before NYE he called me early Sunday hoping to see me, but I already had plans so I went over afterward. Other than the after-NYE make up date, we haven't had a real date in awhile. I hate to think I've become a glorified booty-call.

I'm not going to break up with him, but I'm beginning to think he's not going to end up my boyfriend either.

And then I begin to think he might really care

So, even before I went out with MM last night I had decided against having the "serious" talk with him. Not because I wanted to get him serious but because I wanted to know if he thought we were serious or not. But either way, I thought it might scare him off if he thought this was moving faster than he liked.

He called me after work to double check we could get together, then after he was done at the gym to tell me he was done. I ended up going over there for dinner. He cooked, I made a salad when I got there. In the end it was extremely nice. MM was super touchy and affectionate taking any opportunity when he was near me to give me a kiss, or a hug, or just touch me as he moved from one end of the kitchen to the other.

He chatted about his trip a little bit. At my new years party there was a guy there who had lived in Germany for about half of his life there, another very good friend of mine went there to learn the language, and her ex was born there. But we never really brought up the argument again. It was nice to talk to him about his experiences there since they are important to him.

We both had to work today and be up early so he had said that I could bring clothes over so that I wouldn't have to get up so early and leave. That, and he gave me a toothbrush. When we went to bed he apologized again for being in-communicado.

All in all it was really sweet the little ways he tried to make it up to me, without saying, I'm trying to make this up to you.

In the morning we overslept and left together, only to discover that I had locked my keys in my car the night before. Someone in the same parking garage had a flat tire so we asked the towing guy if he could also open up my car. Which he did about 1/2 an hour later. I was an hour late to work, but MM stayed with me, let me sit in his car w/ the heat on, bought me a coffee and paid the guy for opening my door.

And instead of putting me in a bad mood for the morning it has made me super-duper happy.

gibt es etwas über mich?

I really want to know what about me tells guys to go ahead and walk all over me? Or perhaps I just put my feelings on the line to much, too quickly, too easily.

Things had been going really well with Martini Man. In early December he even came to my office Holiday Party. We exchanged gifts at X-mas (although that was mostly up to me because at thanksgiving I came across a great gift and had to get it for him). But then he tells me he's going to be out of town for New Years Eve. He had planned with his buddies a trip to New York City. I was understandably bummed. I thought we had made it to the boyfriend/girlfriend stage already. But I'm beginning to re-think that now.

He was out of town for Christmas with his family and came back for one day before going to New York. It was a Sunday, and even though I had a dance to go to, I did see him afterward. Said good bye on Monday when I went to work, with him saying he'd at least call on NYE. I did text him on Tuesday to let him know I was using his X-mas gift (bath salts) to which I got no reply. At one am on NYE I gave up waiting for my phone call. The next morning I did have a Happy New Years text - sent at 3am. Then I never heard from him. He had told me that he'd be back Friday or Saturday, I wasn't really betting on Friday and by Saturday afternoon I turned my telephone off. This is something I never do. I hate the fact that if a call comes in when my phone is off if they don't leave a message I never know they called. But I didn't want to be tempted to constantly check my phone, or pick up just because I missed him. Then at 8 o'clock I went dancing.

At 12:30 I checked and he'd called when he got home: "figured I'd give you a shout and see what you're up to." I was up to ignoring you!!! So I texted back "was out dancing, call me sunday."

Apparently his first clue that I was pissed was my phone going straight to voicemail. He knows I don't like turning my phone off, and apparently my texts come across warmer than the "cold" one I'd sent telling him to call me. I knew he'd have an excuse for why he was unable to call me, but I wasn't expecting the one I got.

He was in Germany.

Yeah, that's right, at the last minute he decided to go to Germany to visit friends there instead of NYC with the buddies he'd originally made the plans with.

I was flabbergasted. He knew he'd screwed up and asked what he could do to make it up to me. But I don't think he got the extent to which I was hurt during his trip.
After we talked on the phone, I still don't think he really got it. I texted him to let him know that I was hurt, that I wanted to feel important to him, and like I could trust him and that he'd basically lied to me and ignored me for a week. The funny thing is, I wouldn't have been as hurt if I'd known he was in Germany, because then I'd have understood why he wasn't calling. I even understand why he'd want to go there. I spent so much time being depressed when I got back from the UK; I would totally would have understood if he'd said, change of plans I'm headed to Germany. I would have said here's my address I want a postcard. He said he was sorry he hurt me and that I shouldn't have to feel that way. I did tell him that I wasn't available to see him that night. I didn't know when he was getting home so I had made weekend plans and I went out dancing Sunday too.

Of course, this opens up a whole new can of worms. It makes me wonder if he even thinks of us as being in a relationship, or if this is just casual dating to him. And if this is something that he does on a normal basis, goes off with out telling people where he's going or calling while he's gone, then maybe deep down he really wants to be single.

So, I'm supposed to see him tomorrow. He starts classes after work tonight for an MBA program. I was so excited about him coming home; I had a back to school surprise him because he hasn't been in classes in at least 5 years. I was even planning on a cute and funny first day of school text, but now I don't want to put my feelings anymore out there until I know what's going on. I know that on Tuesday I'm going to have to have the "relationship" talk with him. I'm petrified that it's going to be a break up talk. I don't want to break up with him, but I don't ever want to go through something like that. Thinking the person you're dating isn't thinking about you? I don't know if boys are just totally clueless or what?

Why is my head on all crooked?

Big Sigh...

Well, the date I had a month ago with Martini Man went really well. We went out to dinner, and had a couple of drinks afterward. It was pretty simple and for the most part we just talked, but half way through the night my cheeks were hurting from smiling and laughing so much. Thankfully we have the same sense of humor, which is kind of sarcastic and a little on the mean side. We've talked since and gone out a few more times. Our second date he made dinner and tried extremely hard to get into my pants. Our fourth date was a halloween party his friends were throwing. The party was only okay. We spent a lot of the time by ourselves making out before going back to his house at which point I did let him into my pants. I figured I'd go along with the "third date tradition." At the moment he's out of town on business.

The date with Yet Another Dancer went fine, but only fine. He picked me up for dinner, let me pick where we went (I chose Indian, since he said he liked spicy) and then when we were done he took me home. Sadly, our conversation was pretty superficial. The one thing I remember us talking about was pets. I also remember trying not to ogle our waiter who was extremely good looking and in any other circumstance I would have flirted with. YAD even bought me jewelery - a really tacky butterfly pin ('cuz I've somehow turned into the butterfly lady) that I'd never in a million years buy for myself or wear. Flowers on a first date, sure, jewelry ...can we say "trying too hard"? On the way home I told him that while I liked his company I really only liked him as friends at that point. The problem with YAD is that he went from fun and flirty to extremely clingy in a nanosecond. Since he dances he's at 90% of the same places I am. He would not only dance many many songs with me, but he'd look like I'd just kicked his puppy if I told him I was going to go dance with someone else if he asked. Heaven forbid I should go anywhere else, like the bathroom, for more than a few minutes. Inevitably I'd return to the dance floor only to be greeted with, "are you okay? where were you? I was worried when I couldn't find you anywhere." It got so annoying that at one point I answered, "I had to pee. Is that okay with you? I can go pee with out telling you first right?" He texted me once when he couldn't find me. That's when I had to call it quits. He facebook-messaged me after that incident (the texting) because he thought I seemed distant, and didn't we have a good date, a good conversation, blah blah blah. So I messaged him back saying that his actions proved that his feelings for me were way more than mine and I couldn't in good conscience see him anymore. He was confused obviously. On our first date I made it sound like we could go out to see if I developed romantic feelings for him. But I couldn't take the smothering anymore. He still calls on occasion and I haven't mentioned the other guy at all. That was all before Halloween.

The friend of NG overheard me telling someone I'd been on a good date recently (I was asked why I hadn't been to a particular dance venue) and asked me when I was bringing my "boyfriend" out to dance. I noticed that a few days ago NG finally changed his facebook status to "in a relationship" four months after he changed his myspace. Now, maybe I'm just being self centered, but I can't help but think it's more than a coincidence. It's either that, or because NG got past his normal usual 4 month break up point he felt he could change that one too. I got really depressed when I saw that. I was really hoping that he wouldn't make it past the 4 month mark with her. I hate to think that he found someone so quickly after dumping me. Proving how little he cared about me after all.

Even so, I've been thinking about him and the X lately. The X is in a relationship. Their facebook walls are covered with "I miss you" and "I'm so in love with him" messages. Yeah, mostly they're from her, but it's obviously mutual. Of course, my screwed up self has to choose this time to start posting on his wall (w/ my profile pic showing me in my skimpy halloween costume). I did feel kind of bad about it. I don't want him. I made that perfectly clear a year ago. I want him to be happy. So why I am trying to insinuate myself between them? Because that means he's found someone at least as good as me. Even though, I discovered she's in the process of a divorce. As in, not divorced yet. Anyway, I did feel bad so after she posted a particularly cute picture of the two of them - which I can't comment on because I'm not her "friend" but I can see because I'm his, I messaged him saying how good they looked together and that I was happy he was happy.

I did notice that she and I aren't that physically dis-similar - at least the me when I was with him. She's a little curvier (which I was before I lost all the weight after we broke up) she dyed her hair dark since they got together, and she's got the smart girl glasses look going on.

I also find myself really missing MM.It's been a full week and a day since I last talked/texted him. I keep fighting the urge to text him. I've read that book He's Just Not That Into You so many times it's ingrained in my brain "don't call." It's just so hard when I see NG and the X moving on and I want proof that I have too. I want to be able to hold MM up and say, "look, I've got somebody too." Oddly, what I like about us is that we can talk once or twice a week, go out once a week, and then text the rest of the time. He doesn't seem to get jealous with me dancing and I've already disclosed my friendship with DI and that is just a friendship. So I don't know why I should need to cling.

Funny, about DI, before halloween we had a talk about stuff. I got pretty drunk when we were hanging out and one little question ended up in me crying talking about how much I really don't like myself and rejection etc. Apparently, he thought something said indicated that I felt rejected by him. Which wasn't the case, but he brought it up and wanted to make sure that we were on the same page. I appreciated that to no end. He's made a few comments that often have me wondering what his true feelings are. It's not secret that he thinks I'm attractive. I just can't seem to figure out if that means also that he's attracted to me. He thought I was in High School the first time we met and he's 50, so color me confused. But in this conversation he did say that we were really good friends and that we shouldn't mess with something good.

Well that's interesting

Wednesday I got a text from my Dance Instructor asking if I wanted to see a movie or do something on Thursday night 'cuz his plans fell through. We've done a couple of movie nights on Thursdays and it's a good time; mellow, but good. So I said yeah, and then found out that there was going to be dancing at the casino again that night. The last time I tried to invite him he was reorganizing his home office, but I thought I'd try again. He agreed.

This is the gig that OG and J do together with another couple. I admit that I wanted to bring DI so that I could show off a little bit. I'm sick of feeling like J doesn't respect me as a dancer because he doesn't ask me to perform with him. I figured it'd be a fun night w/ OG and DI and I'd be okay with J.

Then before I start getting ready I get two texts and a voicemail. One text is from B: she's in town and wants to go out. The message was asking me if I was going to the casino to dance because OG told her about it. The other text was from a girl that had been on our team (Yet Another Girl), but quit in the summer obstensibly because of the time commitment, but in reality because she had reached a level where "she was getting anymore out of it." This is the girl who joined the team for the free private lessons, said she had terrible stage fright, and never once smiled during a performance. I made the mistake last weekend when I was out of town and J called desperate for a partner for the saturday (because all of his regulars including OG were out of town) of giving him YAG's number. I was being nice and for once I should have been selfish and said "gee J, I know all the people you do." But I didn't I was nice and I tried to help.

I'm such a moron. Because now he's given her dates for working on the weekends and invited her out to the casino night. When YAG was on the team I got told off by SOG for having an attitude, because I put up a stink about her having a ton of cool moves and being the new girl on the block. So, there was already some jealousy there. I also know now that J is pretty much out to get every girl he can into bed, so I'm sure that has alot to do with his asking her. Which frustrates me even more, because I have advanced a ton in the last few months, and it doesn't mean shit, because I've already slept with him.

I was a little afraid that I'd go out last night and have a miserable time, or end up making DI have a miserable time due to the drama. There was a little drama at one point. YAG forgot to bring shoes and borrowed a pair of mine, which didn't fit and after an hour wanted to get OG's spare pair. J had the keys and instead of giving them to YAG he went with her. They were gone for more than half an hour. And this was when he should have been working. OG was pissed off because he had fucked off and left her there to work alone. OG, B and I made comments about what "picking up a pair of shoes" really meant. So apparently B is catching on about J's proclivities. But for the most part it was a fun night.

Lots of people gave me and DI complements on our dancing. We even did a really slow number where people were lined up at the edge of the dance floor watching us and applauding. It was awesome. I danced one song with J, but we didn't really have the room and for the most part I wanted to be dancing with DI because he's so much better, and yeah then I could show off a little more.

And at the end of the night DI said he had had a great time. I think we are going to make it a monthly night out.

The downside to the whole night, was driving home. Construction made the 20 min trip getting back to my car w/ DI a 45 minute trip. And then as I was driving home I got an agitated call from OG because the ramps to her highway were closed and she was lost. Since I couldn't get straight answer from her about where she was I told her to hang up and call J, he knows the area. I called again in 10 minutes. He had given her directions, but she missed a sign and was in hysterics because she didn't know where she was, she was driving on top streets in an unfamiliar urban area and at one point she had to tell a teenage prostitute that no s/he wasn't getting a ride. At that point, I was pissed, because the conclusion I came to was that obviously J had given her half-assed directions. (It was easy to be mad at him after the YAG drama). I told her to lock her doors, roll up the window and I'd talk to her soon, hung up and called J.

He answered the phone after 4 rings all groggy sounding, but I knew he'd been on the phone with OG a few minutes before. And I said, "do you know that I have OG on the other line, crying her eyes out, w/ homeless people at her window because she's lost in the city. She hasn't slept since yesterday and she's driving on a spare tire," He did say he had just given her directions, but that he'd call her again. I was close to home, but stopped off to fill up my tank, figuring that if I had to I'd go all the way back and find her if I had to. But when I called her again she was on the correct freeway.

Other than that fiasco it was a good night.

When it Rains

It's odd, but now that I am busier than I have been in a whole year, now when I have no time to introduce new things or people into my life, now is when I have exactly that.

I have two dates this weekend. Two dates, two guys.

OG's birthday was last month and when we went out for a "quiet night" at a martini bar we both ended up getting plastered and dancing at multiple bars. The reason for that--these guys we met at said martini bar. We had noticed one of the guys in the group when he went by us to the bathroom because he was very attractive. Eventually the whole group moved over to a table near OG and I. One was trying to get our attention, but we wanted a quiet night so we ignored him and danced together instead. Mistake, because he was from Puerto Rico and immediately had something in common w/ the latin dancing. Turned out the attractive guy had no personality, but his friend (not the PR) who is not my type in the least (skinny nerdy red head), was so funny and interesting that now I have a date with him.

The second guy is a dancer who I know from about a year and a half ago, but he had a girlfriend and then he stopped dancing for awhile. Well he came back a few months ago, dancing, but with out the girlfriend. Now he's dancing with me non-stop, inviting me out, giving me back rubs, texting me, facebook messaging me and everything else to tell me how much he likes me. Finally over the weekend he came out and asked me to dinner.

So Friday I have a date with the Martini Man, and Sunday with Yet Another Dancer.

Long Time

I realized that it has been a really long time since I've posted anything. I have a back log of drafts that I started and didn't get to finish before posting. I will try to fill those in sometime soon.

The biggest change is that I'm working again. I had about an 8 month vacation, but I also got to the point where my credit card balance was larger than my bank account. Besides the dance instruction job that I took over from J which is only two hours a week, I took the first job I was offered. An adjunct instructor position at my local community college. I have two master degrees and one is good enough to teach at a community college. I had put my resume in with a different department, but when they became desperate for English instructors my info was forwarded and I got an email.

I started on September 3 teaching two different composition courses. With in a couple of weeks I was also offered a position in my preferred profession, the one I left and was wondering if I'd go back to. I am glad that I took the position. I am glad to be back. I realized it was a mistake to go into the public realm and since returning to academics I'm much happier. It is at a different school than the one I'm currently teaching at. But in someways it's very similar. Instead of a community college it is called a "right to try" college. So they'll take anyone with a high school diploma or the equivalent.

It turns out that the English teaching was a huge mistake also. I don't think that I have gotten a full night's sleep since I started. First it's two different classes so that is twice the preparation time. And since I've never taught these before it takes a long time to prepare. It's Composition I and II. So I have to cover some pretty basic things, grammar, writing well, thesis, intro, conclusion etc. And my Comp I is mostly freshmen. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to comma patients. Honestly, they say they get it, but really they're not listening, not paying attention, not caring and their performance shows it. I've gotten to the point where I'm starting to not care also. Maybe 1/4 of my students are actually trying. They are the same kids that sit up front and try to answer every question. The funny thing is that I don't dislike them as people, just as students.

I've come to realize that I take my intelligence for granted. I don't need to be told three times that a paper needs to be double spaced and still hand it in single spaced. Or take a homework assignment and attempt to do it with out reading the directions. Or just not do an assignment because I don't understand it because I haven't read the directions, or I didn't listen to the instructor explain the directions.

I have a huge stack papers that need to be graded and I just can't make myself get to it. They were turned in last week Wednesday, but I was busy getting ready for a weekend dance trip (3 days and nights of dancing and workshops!) and trying to clean my house for my mother's return home.

I've begun grinding my teeth at night and dreaming about problem students. I am more stressed than I can ever remember being. I was supposed to choose my winter semester classes by today and I just couldn't to it.

My schedule right now is: Mon/Wed 9am to 9:30pm, Tues/Thurs 8:30am to 7:30pm, and Friday 8:30a - 3pm. That doesn't include commuting there and back 1/2 an hour to an hour each way. On top of that I still have dance team practice on thursdays and sundays, my private lessons I do after work on Fridays, group classes on Saturday. I'm drowning in work and my personal goals are suffering.

I was supposed to decide by today what classes I wanted to teach for next semester. I told the chair of my department that none fit my schedule. I just can't take this again in the winter. Instead I'm refocusing on my dancing and I'm going to take two classes instead. It's time to get selfish again for 2009.

I really need something else to do

I was trolling around facebook today.

I found

1) a photo album of JB's wedding.
2) a friend of J's from the city he visited who is engaged to someone else.

Color me confused

If you're gonna play in the mud

Went out with OG on Friday. It was either another friday alone at the movies, or going to see her and J dance. So I went with going out with her. I really should have gone to the movies.

I was hanging out at the bar with J's Brother. I think we got on the topic of the labor day weekend and plans. An outdoor festival was my plan, until OG asked me to do the saturday night show with her because J had friends in town and needed the night off. So that became my plan instead. JB then said that yes, this girl that J's dating, his other brother and his girlfriend, and the parents were all coming over to JB's house for the long weekend.

Yep, the girl that J's dating, the one he was picking up from the airport that night, the one that he couldn't bring out on saturday, the one from the same state he visited over the 4th of July weekend, the same one he cheated on two weeks ago by having sex with me.

Now, I remember a good bit of our hot tub conversations, and while I do recall a mention of a girl "I used to date" and a girl "I dated" but I am 100% positive that there was never a mention of a current girlfriend.

OG and I invited JB out for coffee with us when we left. He was going to join us, but half way there calls and says he can't he's got to go pick up J and his "lady friend" at the airport, because J illegally parked and was towed. At which point I responded "wow, what a great impression to make when you're picking up your girlfriend, welcome to The City, oh, I have no car." I was not corrected in the use of the word girlfriend.

Now, the pros of this situation are 1) I can stop thinking J is a kid in a candy store when it comes to sex and women and remind myself that he really is a player, and 2) I will never trust the guy again and 3) will never sleep with the guy again, and 4) can honestly say that my need to perform with him is quickly being engulfed by red hot seething hatred and 5) maybe I'm being cured of my ridiculous obsession.

I try to keep reminding myself, that unlike some people I know (B) I didn't intentionally cheat on anybody. I didn't look at J with a girlfriend and say, I want me some of that. In my mind he wouldn't have slept with me if he was in a relationship, but then I have ethics. I keep forgetting that some people don't. I feel so bad for this girl who flew out for a long weekend with her boyfriend and his family, and has no idea what a douche bag he really is. And the fact that I was put in the situation of having helped hurt her (if she ever finds out) makes me furious.

At the same time, JB continues to pursue me. He was asking OG if he was my type. He asked me if I had dated his brother (hmm...date? not exactly). Of course knowing his brother, he's got to know what "kinda sorta" really means. The sad part is, his brother is extremely nice. I've heard of these stories (like the airport) where he helps out J so many times. But I'm afraid I'd only go out with him to upset J. Three days ago I would have said to make J jealous, but now I know better. J did take JB aside and told him to stop flirting with me and OG. Except, deep down I know I'm a good person and I'd never do that to a nice guy.

Groupie

There was a dance night at a local casino last night. I went knowing some other dancers were also going to be there. OG, J, and another couple were performing there as well. J got the job and it was for two couples so he invited his other dance partner, and another guy. They were there to dance on the dance floor to get people interested and then to dance with other people to. So it was more interactive and not a straight performance.

The night started pretty fun. There were dancers there. During some of the club music there weren't many people dancing so I got to do a samba with J. But later the band wasn't great. They played some really bad songs right when OG, J and the other two went to take their break and change. Which meant there was almost nobody dancing. Most of the real dancers left at that point. When the band took a break they started playing clubbing music and there were alot more people on the floor - which was fun for all of three songs.

When the band came back I mostly got to stand around. I ended up with two dances, one with J and one with the other performer. Then both me and my ride wanted to go. So we left. We ended up leaving the same time as OG, J and the other couple. We were waiting for an elevator when J invited us to continue partying - apparently the casino gave them hotel rooms to change in and somehow got to keep them for the night. My ride didn't want to, but I ended up staying 'cuz OG said she'd give me a ride home.

The plan was to eat drink, and maybe go back to OG's for the hottub, or just drink in one of the rooms. But J had forgotten a dr. appointment he had at 8am. So we ended up just getting food. The other guy called it a night before the food even, so it was just J and three girls. The other dance partner was quite nice. The two of them are obviously good friends. Turns out they work at a dance studio together.

But at the beginning and the very end of the night talk was on performing. The casino wants to repeat the night once a month, but the night starts before the other dance partner gets off of work at the studio. J just said she's have to be all hooched out and ready to go and just be half an hour late. At the end of the evening he was setting up dates for them to perform with him, and it was very awkward feeling. Here I am dying to do more shows of any kind and he'd rather have this girl show up late than ask me to do it.

So I'm sitting there feeling like a stupid wannabe. It's like the groupies that can't be musicians so they just hang around them all the time. That's me. Since nobody actually wants to perform with me I guess I'll just sit next to the real performers and seethe inwardly with jealousy.

An Interesting evening part 2 What happens in the hot tub stays in the hot tub

We pinky swore, so I can't reveal what others said, but I can talk about the crazy hours in the hot tub, and the crazy hours after the hot tub.

If I can figure out where to begin.

We got in the hot tub - OG lent me a swim suit, she had another, and J went commando. That in itself would have been a decent end to the night, but it kept getting more and more surreal. OG took her top off, so I did too. Then she got us wine, and after the wine tequila. And we started playing a weird game of truth.

Like I said we pinky swore that what was said that night would stay there, but I think I safely share a couple of tidbits. I was kind of surprised that J's craziest moment was actually a time that we were together. I actually admitted to starving myself when J asked for something no one else knows. It was really illuminating for me to hang out with J like that. To hear from him all of these different sex-capades. I always figured he was a player, but now I realize he's just a slut.

We eventually got way to warm in the hot tub, got out and started dancing on the patio. J, naked, and us topless. Eventually J and I ended up making out and OG left us to it. Needless to say we ended up doing it on her patio. I can't believe how much of I have missed being with him, sexually I mean. The only weird thing was J wanting OG to watch. I think he wanted her to take of care herself while we did it. But she wasn't having any of that and went inside until we were done.

We got back in the hot tub for a bit, but it was getting light out and OG was afraid her parents would get up so, we got out and went to breakfast. We were a little obnoxious and took lots of pictures. The truth continued a little bit more. A second pinky swear made sure that what was said at the diner table stayed between us. B came up at one point, B and her BF, but OG very carefully deflected the conversation. But I think if we ever hang out like this again sometime, I might have to bring it up. J's Brother (JsB)came up in conversation. Apparently he did ask J about me last night, and J's response was that we had gone a couple of times. Probably the most diplomatic of answers, if not the most truthful. I feel a little bad about the JsB situation. He's so nice, and alot more stable than J is, but it makes me wonder how many girls he loses to his brother.

OG and J had to work at 10am, but it was only like 7am, but couldn't go back to her house. We ended up parking the car lowering the back seats (I have a hatchback now) and cuddling - or making a puppy pile as I call it - and sleeping. Well, mostly sleeping. At some point J, started groping me, and he had a huge hard on, so I started groping him, and the next thing I know, we're doing it (ah the memories) and OG has to move up to the front seat to avoid us. I'm smiling thinking about, but at the same time I'm pretty appalled, and will officially have to change my answer to "what's the craziest thing you've ever done?"

After that we drove back, dropped OG off, and left. They went to work, and I got into a car accident (yes, with my new car!) trying to get to a quickstep lesson. That's Karma for you. Apparently my car does not like being used as a sex-mobile and told me so by making me pay out the wazoo for repairs and the ticket.

Oddly, it was a majorly fun night. And I think that it went a long way to putting to rest all my issues about J. Seeing him as he really is not as how I think he is or how I want him to be or how he was when he was getting in my pants. I think was the first step to being comfortable with him as a friend. Who would have thought?

An Interesting evening part 1 - Dance Dance

Other Girl (OG)decided she wanted to go check out her performing competition at J's club last night and wanted me to go along. The plan was to go shopping - a boutique was having a sale and I need new work clothes - then we'd get ready, eat there, watch them dance and dance a little ourselves.

At first I told her I'd go shopping, but not out after. I figured I needed to stop seeing J all together. I hd been toying with the idea of asking him to practice with me, in the hopes that proximity would get all the feelings out of me. But in the end I figured I'd just steer clear of him all together. I was particularly upset when the last couple of shows that OG bailed on he didn't ask me to fill in. Even tho she suggested he call me. It's like, why doesn't he want to dance with me? On top of that I've been thinking alot about NG lately. So I was expecting to be pretty miserable if I did go.

She ended up calling him and telling him that we were coming even tho she wasn't dancing - I still could have opted out, but I had the brilliant idea of inviting Frenchy. Thinking him paying me alot of attention and then I'd have someone to dance with too since J doesn't really ask me that much.

But Frenchy said he couldn't make it. He said he was "on-call" for 3 or 4 days and couldn't go out. But I'm not sure I believe him. He was really nice on the phone 'cuz I was calling him, until I invited him and then he suddenly had to go. I think I may have spooked him. Until now we've only really hung out at his place and had sex. We played raquettball once.

So I was pretty bummed to start out the evening but cheered up after finding some cute clothes. And decided to go with her and make the most of it.

We got there and started talking to J's brother. He's quite the flirt, but I don't usually think much of it. But then OG says he's asked about me before and at some point in the evening he asked me out. I tried to play it off, hoping he wasn't serious. He just asked me if I was seeing someone, and I said kind of. Because I don't really know what's up with me and Frenchy. I'm kind of seeing him, but we're not really dating.

OG checked out her "competition" that is J's other dance partner. They are on par with each other. OG is younger and cuter where as this girl was more obviously sexy, she wore a very short skirt, a top that kept riding up and she definitely knows how to body roll. I feel a little better after seeing her in knowing why J would call her to fill in for OG and not me. But I'm close, very close. I feel bad sometimes wanting OG to move on to better things so I can have her spot there. But I do wish it.

I bet OG earlier in the night that J wouldn't ask me to dance, I bet her in escelating amounts that he wouldn't ask me for one dance, more than one dance, and a romantic dance. He ended up asking me for the romantic dance. So now I owe OG $20. I even danced with his brother, and he asked me to teach him a few moves. At the end of the night J even asked me to foxtrot with him when sinatra closed down the dance floor.

After that I invited the brothers for coffee. So we went out for another drink instead. The talk turned to dancing and eventually the brother left. I felt really bad because I had wanted him to be included. I tried to sit between him and J so that I could keep him in the conversation, but OG got there first.

We had some good conversation, even though his brother got left out. I mentioned that I have his job now. He thought it was great. I talked about doing lifts and more ballroom stuff. We talked about performing and while OG and J don't think that SOG treats me fair, I got to make my point that I have no other outlet for performing. It's him or nothing. It was a subtle hint for J that I want to perform more.

After that OG invited J back to her place (she drove and my car was at her house) for a soak in the hot tub. We got there around 3am and were in the hot tub until about 6 am.