Other than being his girlfriend, I want:
To cook more meals with him
To stay in on a weekend DAY and play games or watch TV
Spend to days or nights in a row together
Go to a wine tasting
Take a cooking class
Play a game of scrabble
Meet his family
Have him meet mine
Go home with him for Fourth of July
Meet more of his friends
Have him come to one of my shows
Tell him I love him
Find out when and why he didn't marry his X
Find out what he's doing for my birthday
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Cowardly Lion
So a month later and I am still in the same boat. I had wanted to have some kind of "talk" with MM about our relationship. I just can't help thinking that I will hear something I don't want.
Our Valentine's great. He got me flowers and tickets to the theater, I got him booze. We cooked together, we ate, played a game, made love your typical V-day date.
The week after that we went to the theater. It was a fun time. I had found vintage looking dress and looked so good we had an impromptu photo shoot at the end of the night. He's going to try to make them look antique-y. I haven't seen them yet, although a few days later he texted me saying that I looked "stunning" in them.
He left for a long weekend over his spring break, came back for one night, and left on a business trip the next day. The night he was home we were supposed to hang and at the last minute he invited me to meet his bosses (the owner of his company and the head of the North American division - it's a small company even tho it's international). We went to a jazz club and had a drink with them. I mostly talked to the owner, and tried to be charming and appropriately flirtatious.
We went out when he got back on Friday to see a late show of The Watchmen and soaked in the hottub with OG afterwards. In the morning we had breakfast at a local diner. He spent the day watching movies and I went home to do laundry etc. I had a show that night and invited him (against my better judgment knowing he'd say no). He called asking how upset I'd be if he didn't come. I basically said that I invited him knowing full well that he wouldn't come. I was supposed to have a show the saturday he went for spring break. I had set it up especially so he could come and asked him well in advanced to put it on his calendar. But on Valentine's Day he asked if he could miss it because he wanted to visit this friend over spring break who had just had colon cancer surgery. The fact that he wouldn't come out this saturday because of the drive was extremely disapointing. I told him I'd eventually stop inviting him, and he replied not to give up on him yet.
The problem is that I am starting to give up. As much as I want to have this be a real relationship I have absolutely no clue how he feels. Since then I have not heard from him (it's tuesday) other than 3 lines of FB chat that I initiated and one text that I also initiated. Isn't he supposed to be calling me if he's thinking about me?
I had hoped to ask him to come out with my brother and sister-in-law this weekend, but if he doesn't call me I don't see how that's going to be possible. I know that I have to stop driving myself crazy trying to figure this guy out. I know that I can't just let go and let it take it's course. I keep trying to figure out ways of having the relationship talk ways of bringing it up and have yet to be able to do it. I've missed at least two good opportunities.
There are things I was looking forward to doing with him which is one of the reasons I keep waiting, but I find myself getting more and more emotional about it. I chicken out sometimes because I am afraid of the answer. I don't want to break up with him. But I can't make myself an emotional wreck either. I keep hoping that with time he'll make it clear to me and I'm afraid that he is with his apathy. I realized last night when I was thinking about our early dates, that he probably already has told me. On our second date I went over to his place and he made dinner we watched some tv and made out. He said that we'd go as far as I wanted but he'd try to get me into bed. At one point I made a joke that I wouldn't want to do anything that wouldn't make me respect him in the morning. And he said, if you don't respect me in the morning or ever call me again that'd be okay (or something to that effect). I didn't sleep with him for a couple of more weeks, but the point is what if that is the reality of the situation? What if even 5 months later, I'm just a fun girl to hang out with and have sex with? What if I ask to be his girlfriend and he says no?
I bought this card off of Etsy.com I don't know exactly what I'm going to say in it yet. Or if I'll even get to use it really. I really want to have the talk with him now. I am supposed to be near his place to study with OG (I'm taking a foreign language class this semester instead of teaching). I am hoping that he calls me today so that I can go over there after studying and over a glass of wine simply ask him "How do you feel about me?" to try to get the ball rolling. I just get really nervous when I think about it.
Our Valentine's great. He got me flowers and tickets to the theater, I got him booze. We cooked together, we ate, played a game, made love your typical V-day date.
The week after that we went to the theater. It was a fun time. I had found vintage looking dress and looked so good we had an impromptu photo shoot at the end of the night. He's going to try to make them look antique-y. I haven't seen them yet, although a few days later he texted me saying that I looked "stunning" in them.
He left for a long weekend over his spring break, came back for one night, and left on a business trip the next day. The night he was home we were supposed to hang and at the last minute he invited me to meet his bosses (the owner of his company and the head of the North American division - it's a small company even tho it's international). We went to a jazz club and had a drink with them. I mostly talked to the owner, and tried to be charming and appropriately flirtatious.
We went out when he got back on Friday to see a late show of The Watchmen and soaked in the hottub with OG afterwards. In the morning we had breakfast at a local diner. He spent the day watching movies and I went home to do laundry etc. I had a show that night and invited him (against my better judgment knowing he'd say no). He called asking how upset I'd be if he didn't come. I basically said that I invited him knowing full well that he wouldn't come. I was supposed to have a show the saturday he went for spring break. I had set it up especially so he could come and asked him well in advanced to put it on his calendar. But on Valentine's Day he asked if he could miss it because he wanted to visit this friend over spring break who had just had colon cancer surgery. The fact that he wouldn't come out this saturday because of the drive was extremely disapointing. I told him I'd eventually stop inviting him, and he replied not to give up on him yet.
The problem is that I am starting to give up. As much as I want to have this be a real relationship I have absolutely no clue how he feels. Since then I have not heard from him (it's tuesday) other than 3 lines of FB chat that I initiated and one text that I also initiated. Isn't he supposed to be calling me if he's thinking about me?
I had hoped to ask him to come out with my brother and sister-in-law this weekend, but if he doesn't call me I don't see how that's going to be possible. I know that I have to stop driving myself crazy trying to figure this guy out. I know that I can't just let go and let it take it's course. I keep trying to figure out ways of having the relationship talk ways of bringing it up and have yet to be able to do it. I've missed at least two good opportunities.
There are things I was looking forward to doing with him which is one of the reasons I keep waiting, but I find myself getting more and more emotional about it. I chicken out sometimes because I am afraid of the answer. I don't want to break up with him. But I can't make myself an emotional wreck either. I keep hoping that with time he'll make it clear to me and I'm afraid that he is with his apathy. I realized last night when I was thinking about our early dates, that he probably already has told me. On our second date I went over to his place and he made dinner we watched some tv and made out. He said that we'd go as far as I wanted but he'd try to get me into bed. At one point I made a joke that I wouldn't want to do anything that wouldn't make me respect him in the morning. And he said, if you don't respect me in the morning or ever call me again that'd be okay (or something to that effect). I didn't sleep with him for a couple of more weeks, but the point is what if that is the reality of the situation? What if even 5 months later, I'm just a fun girl to hang out with and have sex with? What if I ask to be his girlfriend and he says no?
I bought this card off of Etsy.com I don't know exactly what I'm going to say in it yet. Or if I'll even get to use it really. I really want to have the talk with him now. I am supposed to be near his place to study with OG (I'm taking a foreign language class this semester instead of teaching). I am hoping that he calls me today so that I can go over there after studying and over a glass of wine simply ask him "How do you feel about me?" to try to get the ball rolling. I just get really nervous when I think about it.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Freak Out
MM and I have been going out for four months. OG has twice now called him my boyfriend which has garnered her a couple of odd looks and his facebook page (which he joined 2 months after we started dating) lists his status as "single."
Last night we were talking and it came out that he's been engaged before. He still has the ring. He was living abroad, picked it out (spent quite a while finding it apparently), and cut his stay short to come back for her.
Now, obviously he's not with her. But, I had been wondering why he keeps mentioning his ex. Usually in a this-is-why-it-didn't-work-out kind of a way, although once in a while he'd throw out some strange detail. I have never met anyone who talked about exes or an ex except in passing. The X did some, but I swear every second or 3rd date MM says, "you know how I know that? The ex" or "and the reason it didn't work out with" or once he was mentioning how the ex had known of someone giving away pool table and didn't tell him about it because he would've wanted it.
So I am now freaking out. It's been four months and he's not owning up to being my boyfriend even though in all his actions he IS my boyfriend. I'm just afraid that I'm on my way to getting hurt.
We have plans for Valentine's Day and the next two weekends, but I am thinking that that may be it. I hate the idea of "games" but I have read He's Just Not That Into You (saw the movie too). And I think it's pretty clear.
Last night we were talking and it came out that he's been engaged before. He still has the ring. He was living abroad, picked it out (spent quite a while finding it apparently), and cut his stay short to come back for her.
Now, obviously he's not with her. But, I had been wondering why he keeps mentioning his ex. Usually in a this-is-why-it-didn't-work-out kind of a way, although once in a while he'd throw out some strange detail. I have never met anyone who talked about exes or an ex except in passing. The X did some, but I swear every second or 3rd date MM says, "you know how I know that? The ex" or "and the reason it didn't work out with" or once he was mentioning how the ex had known of someone giving away pool table and didn't tell him about it because he would've wanted it.
So I am now freaking out. It's been four months and he's not owning up to being my boyfriend even though in all his actions he IS my boyfriend. I'm just afraid that I'm on my way to getting hurt.
We have plans for Valentine's Day and the next two weekends, but I am thinking that that may be it. I hate the idea of "games" but I have read He's Just Not That Into You (saw the movie too). And I think it's pretty clear.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Unsure not insecure
I'm starting to get a little depressed about my MM situation. I haven't seen him more than a week. He has been good about calling every couple of days. This is the second weekend in a row that he hasn't asked me what my plans are even though he did call to say hi on Wednesday.
Last weekend I had to go out of town. I was pretty sure I had told him that I was leaving on Friday. He called on Friday and seemed surprised that I was out of town. A) I said I was leaving and B) It was Friday. Either he wanted to go out at the last minute or he was just calling to say hi on a Friday night. We did end up talking for awhile. Then on Saturday as I attempted to drive home through a snowstorm he called again to see if I'd gotten in okay or stopped to wait out the storm. That I did think was pretty nice.
But the weekend is here again and nothing from him.
I see this petering out. If he doesn't get his act together and start making plans with me ahead of time I'm going to have to move on.
I would love to chalk it up to him thinking I've been wooed and he doesn't need to do anything anymore. But he recently joined Facebook and he's listed as Single. If he's still single then I'm still single and he better start re-wooing or he's not going to have somebody to woo at all.
Valentine's Day is in less than a month. I've had multiple invites to go out of town for a dancing event. I was putting it off because I figured that MM and I would be pretty close by now. But it seems like we're farther apart than ever. I'm considering going away for V-Day. Unless he makes some kind of effort between now and then. I don't see this happening.
I feel like I shoulder some blame. The last time I saw him was last week. He texted me while I was at a friend's house not far from him. So I called back and when he knew where I was asked if I wanted to sleep at his place instead of going home. And the time I saw him before NYE he called me early Sunday hoping to see me, but I already had plans so I went over afterward. Other than the after-NYE make up date, we haven't had a real date in awhile. I hate to think I've become a glorified booty-call.
I'm not going to break up with him, but I'm beginning to think he's not going to end up my boyfriend either.
Last weekend I had to go out of town. I was pretty sure I had told him that I was leaving on Friday. He called on Friday and seemed surprised that I was out of town. A) I said I was leaving and B) It was Friday. Either he wanted to go out at the last minute or he was just calling to say hi on a Friday night. We did end up talking for awhile. Then on Saturday as I attempted to drive home through a snowstorm he called again to see if I'd gotten in okay or stopped to wait out the storm. That I did think was pretty nice.
But the weekend is here again and nothing from him.
I see this petering out. If he doesn't get his act together and start making plans with me ahead of time I'm going to have to move on.
I would love to chalk it up to him thinking I've been wooed and he doesn't need to do anything anymore. But he recently joined Facebook and he's listed as Single. If he's still single then I'm still single and he better start re-wooing or he's not going to have somebody to woo at all.
Valentine's Day is in less than a month. I've had multiple invites to go out of town for a dancing event. I was putting it off because I figured that MM and I would be pretty close by now. But it seems like we're farther apart than ever. I'm considering going away for V-Day. Unless he makes some kind of effort between now and then. I don't see this happening.
I feel like I shoulder some blame. The last time I saw him was last week. He texted me while I was at a friend's house not far from him. So I called back and when he knew where I was asked if I wanted to sleep at his place instead of going home. And the time I saw him before NYE he called me early Sunday hoping to see me, but I already had plans so I went over afterward. Other than the after-NYE make up date, we haven't had a real date in awhile. I hate to think I've become a glorified booty-call.
I'm not going to break up with him, but I'm beginning to think he's not going to end up my boyfriend either.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
And then I begin to think he might really care
So, even before I went out with MM last night I had decided against having the "serious" talk with him. Not because I wanted to get him serious but because I wanted to know if he thought we were serious or not. But either way, I thought it might scare him off if he thought this was moving faster than he liked.
He called me after work to double check we could get together, then after he was done at the gym to tell me he was done. I ended up going over there for dinner. He cooked, I made a salad when I got there. In the end it was extremely nice. MM was super touchy and affectionate taking any opportunity when he was near me to give me a kiss, or a hug, or just touch me as he moved from one end of the kitchen to the other.
He chatted about his trip a little bit. At my new years party there was a guy there who had lived in Germany for about half of his life there, another very good friend of mine went there to learn the language, and her ex was born there. But we never really brought up the argument again. It was nice to talk to him about his experiences there since they are important to him.
We both had to work today and be up early so he had said that I could bring clothes over so that I wouldn't have to get up so early and leave. That, and he gave me a toothbrush. When we went to bed he apologized again for being in-communicado.
All in all it was really sweet the little ways he tried to make it up to me, without saying, I'm trying to make this up to you.
In the morning we overslept and left together, only to discover that I had locked my keys in my car the night before. Someone in the same parking garage had a flat tire so we asked the towing guy if he could also open up my car. Which he did about 1/2 an hour later. I was an hour late to work, but MM stayed with me, let me sit in his car w/ the heat on, bought me a coffee and paid the guy for opening my door.
And instead of putting me in a bad mood for the morning it has made me super-duper happy.
He called me after work to double check we could get together, then after he was done at the gym to tell me he was done. I ended up going over there for dinner. He cooked, I made a salad when I got there. In the end it was extremely nice. MM was super touchy and affectionate taking any opportunity when he was near me to give me a kiss, or a hug, or just touch me as he moved from one end of the kitchen to the other.
He chatted about his trip a little bit. At my new years party there was a guy there who had lived in Germany for about half of his life there, another very good friend of mine went there to learn the language, and her ex was born there. But we never really brought up the argument again. It was nice to talk to him about his experiences there since they are important to him.
We both had to work today and be up early so he had said that I could bring clothes over so that I wouldn't have to get up so early and leave. That, and he gave me a toothbrush. When we went to bed he apologized again for being in-communicado.
All in all it was really sweet the little ways he tried to make it up to me, without saying, I'm trying to make this up to you.
In the morning we overslept and left together, only to discover that I had locked my keys in my car the night before. Someone in the same parking garage had a flat tire so we asked the towing guy if he could also open up my car. Which he did about 1/2 an hour later. I was an hour late to work, but MM stayed with me, let me sit in his car w/ the heat on, bought me a coffee and paid the guy for opening my door.
And instead of putting me in a bad mood for the morning it has made me super-duper happy.
Monday, January 05, 2009
gibt es etwas über mich?
I really want to know what about me tells guys to go ahead and walk all over me? Or perhaps I just put my feelings on the line to much, too quickly, too easily.
Things had been going really well with Martini Man. In early December he even came to my office Holiday Party. We exchanged gifts at X-mas (although that was mostly up to me because at thanksgiving I came across a great gift and had to get it for him). But then he tells me he's going to be out of town for New Years Eve. He had planned with his buddies a trip to New York City. I was understandably bummed. I thought we had made it to the boyfriend/girlfriend stage already. But I'm beginning to re-think that now.
He was out of town for Christmas with his family and came back for one day before going to New York. It was a Sunday, and even though I had a dance to go to, I did see him afterward. Said good bye on Monday when I went to work, with him saying he'd at least call on NYE. I did text him on Tuesday to let him know I was using his X-mas gift (bath salts) to which I got no reply. At one am on NYE I gave up waiting for my phone call. The next morning I did have a Happy New Years text - sent at 3am. Then I never heard from him. He had told me that he'd be back Friday or Saturday, I wasn't really betting on Friday and by Saturday afternoon I turned my telephone off. This is something I never do. I hate the fact that if a call comes in when my phone is off if they don't leave a message I never know they called. But I didn't want to be tempted to constantly check my phone, or pick up just because I missed him. Then at 8 o'clock I went dancing.
At 12:30 I checked and he'd called when he got home: "figured I'd give you a shout and see what you're up to." I was up to ignoring you!!! So I texted back "was out dancing, call me sunday."
Apparently his first clue that I was pissed was my phone going straight to voicemail. He knows I don't like turning my phone off, and apparently my texts come across warmer than the "cold" one I'd sent telling him to call me. I knew he'd have an excuse for why he was unable to call me, but I wasn't expecting the one I got.
He was in Germany.
Yeah, that's right, at the last minute he decided to go to Germany to visit friends there instead of NYC with the buddies he'd originally made the plans with.
I was flabbergasted. He knew he'd screwed up and asked what he could do to make it up to me. But I don't think he got the extent to which I was hurt during his trip.
After we talked on the phone, I still don't think he really got it. I texted him to let him know that I was hurt, that I wanted to feel important to him, and like I could trust him and that he'd basically lied to me and ignored me for a week. The funny thing is, I wouldn't have been as hurt if I'd known he was in Germany, because then I'd have understood why he wasn't calling. I even understand why he'd want to go there. I spent so much time being depressed when I got back from the UK; I would totally would have understood if he'd said, change of plans I'm headed to Germany. I would have said here's my address I want a postcard. He said he was sorry he hurt me and that I shouldn't have to feel that way. I did tell him that I wasn't available to see him that night. I didn't know when he was getting home so I had made weekend plans and I went out dancing Sunday too.
Of course, this opens up a whole new can of worms. It makes me wonder if he even thinks of us as being in a relationship, or if this is just casual dating to him. And if this is something that he does on a normal basis, goes off with out telling people where he's going or calling while he's gone, then maybe deep down he really wants to be single.
So, I'm supposed to see him tomorrow. He starts classes after work tonight for an MBA program. I was so excited about him coming home; I had a back to school surprise him because he hasn't been in classes in at least 5 years. I was even planning on a cute and funny first day of school text, but now I don't want to put my feelings anymore out there until I know what's going on. I know that on Tuesday I'm going to have to have the "relationship" talk with him. I'm petrified that it's going to be a break up talk. I don't want to break up with him, but I don't ever want to go through something like that. Thinking the person you're dating isn't thinking about you? I don't know if boys are just totally clueless or what?
Things had been going really well with Martini Man. In early December he even came to my office Holiday Party. We exchanged gifts at X-mas (although that was mostly up to me because at thanksgiving I came across a great gift and had to get it for him). But then he tells me he's going to be out of town for New Years Eve. He had planned with his buddies a trip to New York City. I was understandably bummed. I thought we had made it to the boyfriend/girlfriend stage already. But I'm beginning to re-think that now.
He was out of town for Christmas with his family and came back for one day before going to New York. It was a Sunday, and even though I had a dance to go to, I did see him afterward. Said good bye on Monday when I went to work, with him saying he'd at least call on NYE. I did text him on Tuesday to let him know I was using his X-mas gift (bath salts) to which I got no reply. At one am on NYE I gave up waiting for my phone call. The next morning I did have a Happy New Years text - sent at 3am. Then I never heard from him. He had told me that he'd be back Friday or Saturday, I wasn't really betting on Friday and by Saturday afternoon I turned my telephone off. This is something I never do. I hate the fact that if a call comes in when my phone is off if they don't leave a message I never know they called. But I didn't want to be tempted to constantly check my phone, or pick up just because I missed him. Then at 8 o'clock I went dancing.
At 12:30 I checked and he'd called when he got home: "figured I'd give you a shout and see what you're up to." I was up to ignoring you!!! So I texted back "was out dancing, call me sunday."
Apparently his first clue that I was pissed was my phone going straight to voicemail. He knows I don't like turning my phone off, and apparently my texts come across warmer than the "cold" one I'd sent telling him to call me. I knew he'd have an excuse for why he was unable to call me, but I wasn't expecting the one I got.
He was in Germany.
Yeah, that's right, at the last minute he decided to go to Germany to visit friends there instead of NYC with the buddies he'd originally made the plans with.
I was flabbergasted. He knew he'd screwed up and asked what he could do to make it up to me. But I don't think he got the extent to which I was hurt during his trip.
After we talked on the phone, I still don't think he really got it. I texted him to let him know that I was hurt, that I wanted to feel important to him, and like I could trust him and that he'd basically lied to me and ignored me for a week. The funny thing is, I wouldn't have been as hurt if I'd known he was in Germany, because then I'd have understood why he wasn't calling. I even understand why he'd want to go there. I spent so much time being depressed when I got back from the UK; I would totally would have understood if he'd said, change of plans I'm headed to Germany. I would have said here's my address I want a postcard. He said he was sorry he hurt me and that I shouldn't have to feel that way. I did tell him that I wasn't available to see him that night. I didn't know when he was getting home so I had made weekend plans and I went out dancing Sunday too.
Of course, this opens up a whole new can of worms. It makes me wonder if he even thinks of us as being in a relationship, or if this is just casual dating to him. And if this is something that he does on a normal basis, goes off with out telling people where he's going or calling while he's gone, then maybe deep down he really wants to be single.
So, I'm supposed to see him tomorrow. He starts classes after work tonight for an MBA program. I was so excited about him coming home; I had a back to school surprise him because he hasn't been in classes in at least 5 years. I was even planning on a cute and funny first day of school text, but now I don't want to put my feelings anymore out there until I know what's going on. I know that on Tuesday I'm going to have to have the "relationship" talk with him. I'm petrified that it's going to be a break up talk. I don't want to break up with him, but I don't ever want to go through something like that. Thinking the person you're dating isn't thinking about you? I don't know if boys are just totally clueless or what?
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Why is my head on all crooked?
Big Sigh...
Well, the date I had a month ago with Martini Man went really well. We went out to dinner, and had a couple of drinks afterward. It was pretty simple and for the most part we just talked, but half way through the night my cheeks were hurting from smiling and laughing so much. Thankfully we have the same sense of humor, which is kind of sarcastic and a little on the mean side. We've talked since and gone out a few more times. Our second date he made dinner and tried extremely hard to get into my pants. Our fourth date was a halloween party his friends were throwing. The party was only okay. We spent a lot of the time by ourselves making out before going back to his house at which point I did let him into my pants. I figured I'd go along with the "third date tradition." At the moment he's out of town on business.
The date with Yet Another Dancer went fine, but only fine. He picked me up for dinner, let me pick where we went (I chose Indian, since he said he liked spicy) and then when we were done he took me home. Sadly, our conversation was pretty superficial. The one thing I remember us talking about was pets. I also remember trying not to ogle our waiter who was extremely good looking and in any other circumstance I would have flirted with. YAD even bought me jewelery - a really tacky butterfly pin ('cuz I've somehow turned into the butterfly lady) that I'd never in a million years buy for myself or wear. Flowers on a first date, sure, jewelry ...can we say "trying too hard"? On the way home I told him that while I liked his company I really only liked him as friends at that point. The problem with YAD is that he went from fun and flirty to extremely clingy in a nanosecond. Since he dances he's at 90% of the same places I am. He would not only dance many many songs with me, but he'd look like I'd just kicked his puppy if I told him I was going to go dance with someone else if he asked. Heaven forbid I should go anywhere else, like the bathroom, for more than a few minutes. Inevitably I'd return to the dance floor only to be greeted with, "are you okay? where were you? I was worried when I couldn't find you anywhere." It got so annoying that at one point I answered, "I had to pee. Is that okay with you? I can go pee with out telling you first right?" He texted me once when he couldn't find me. That's when I had to call it quits. He facebook-messaged me after that incident (the texting) because he thought I seemed distant, and didn't we have a good date, a good conversation, blah blah blah. So I messaged him back saying that his actions proved that his feelings for me were way more than mine and I couldn't in good conscience see him anymore. He was confused obviously. On our first date I made it sound like we could go out to see if I developed romantic feelings for him. But I couldn't take the smothering anymore. He still calls on occasion and I haven't mentioned the other guy at all. That was all before Halloween.
The friend of NG overheard me telling someone I'd been on a good date recently (I was asked why I hadn't been to a particular dance venue) and asked me when I was bringing my "boyfriend" out to dance. I noticed that a few days ago NG finally changed his facebook status to "in a relationship" four months after he changed his myspace. Now, maybe I'm just being self centered, but I can't help but think it's more than a coincidence. It's either that, or because NG got past his normal usual 4 month break up point he felt he could change that one too. I got really depressed when I saw that. I was really hoping that he wouldn't make it past the 4 month mark with her. I hate to think that he found someone so quickly after dumping me. Proving how little he cared about me after all.
Even so, I've been thinking about him and the X lately. The X is in a relationship. Their facebook walls are covered with "I miss you" and "I'm so in love with him" messages. Yeah, mostly they're from her, but it's obviously mutual. Of course, my screwed up self has to choose this time to start posting on his wall (w/ my profile pic showing me in my skimpy halloween costume). I did feel kind of bad about it. I don't want him. I made that perfectly clear a year ago. I want him to be happy. So why I am trying to insinuate myself between them? Because that means he's found someone at least as good as me. Even though, I discovered she's in the process of a divorce. As in, not divorced yet. Anyway, I did feel bad so after she posted a particularly cute picture of the two of them - which I can't comment on because I'm not her "friend" but I can see because I'm his, I messaged him saying how good they looked together and that I was happy he was happy.
I did notice that she and I aren't that physically dis-similar - at least the me when I was with him. She's a little curvier (which I was before I lost all the weight after we broke up) she dyed her hair dark since they got together, and she's got the smart girl glasses look going on.
I also find myself really missing MM.It's been a full week and a day since I last talked/texted him. I keep fighting the urge to text him. I've read that book He's Just Not That Into You so many times it's ingrained in my brain "don't call." It's just so hard when I see NG and the X moving on and I want proof that I have too. I want to be able to hold MM up and say, "look, I've got somebody too." Oddly, what I like about us is that we can talk once or twice a week, go out once a week, and then text the rest of the time. He doesn't seem to get jealous with me dancing and I've already disclosed my friendship with DI and that is just a friendship. So I don't know why I should need to cling.
Funny, about DI, before halloween we had a talk about stuff. I got pretty drunk when we were hanging out and one little question ended up in me crying talking about how much I really don't like myself and rejection etc. Apparently, he thought something said indicated that I felt rejected by him. Which wasn't the case, but he brought it up and wanted to make sure that we were on the same page. I appreciated that to no end. He's made a few comments that often have me wondering what his true feelings are. It's not secret that he thinks I'm attractive. I just can't seem to figure out if that means also that he's attracted to me. He thought I was in High School the first time we met and he's 50, so color me confused. But in this conversation he did say that we were really good friends and that we shouldn't mess with something good.
Well, the date I had a month ago with Martini Man went really well. We went out to dinner, and had a couple of drinks afterward. It was pretty simple and for the most part we just talked, but half way through the night my cheeks were hurting from smiling and laughing so much. Thankfully we have the same sense of humor, which is kind of sarcastic and a little on the mean side. We've talked since and gone out a few more times. Our second date he made dinner and tried extremely hard to get into my pants. Our fourth date was a halloween party his friends were throwing. The party was only okay. We spent a lot of the time by ourselves making out before going back to his house at which point I did let him into my pants. I figured I'd go along with the "third date tradition." At the moment he's out of town on business.
The date with Yet Another Dancer went fine, but only fine. He picked me up for dinner, let me pick where we went (I chose Indian, since he said he liked spicy) and then when we were done he took me home. Sadly, our conversation was pretty superficial. The one thing I remember us talking about was pets. I also remember trying not to ogle our waiter who was extremely good looking and in any other circumstance I would have flirted with. YAD even bought me jewelery - a really tacky butterfly pin ('cuz I've somehow turned into the butterfly lady) that I'd never in a million years buy for myself or wear. Flowers on a first date, sure, jewelry ...can we say "trying too hard"? On the way home I told him that while I liked his company I really only liked him as friends at that point. The problem with YAD is that he went from fun and flirty to extremely clingy in a nanosecond. Since he dances he's at 90% of the same places I am. He would not only dance many many songs with me, but he'd look like I'd just kicked his puppy if I told him I was going to go dance with someone else if he asked. Heaven forbid I should go anywhere else, like the bathroom, for more than a few minutes. Inevitably I'd return to the dance floor only to be greeted with, "are you okay? where were you? I was worried when I couldn't find you anywhere." It got so annoying that at one point I answered, "I had to pee. Is that okay with you? I can go pee with out telling you first right?" He texted me once when he couldn't find me. That's when I had to call it quits. He facebook-messaged me after that incident (the texting) because he thought I seemed distant, and didn't we have a good date, a good conversation, blah blah blah. So I messaged him back saying that his actions proved that his feelings for me were way more than mine and I couldn't in good conscience see him anymore. He was confused obviously. On our first date I made it sound like we could go out to see if I developed romantic feelings for him. But I couldn't take the smothering anymore. He still calls on occasion and I haven't mentioned the other guy at all. That was all before Halloween.
The friend of NG overheard me telling someone I'd been on a good date recently (I was asked why I hadn't been to a particular dance venue) and asked me when I was bringing my "boyfriend" out to dance. I noticed that a few days ago NG finally changed his facebook status to "in a relationship" four months after he changed his myspace. Now, maybe I'm just being self centered, but I can't help but think it's more than a coincidence. It's either that, or because NG got past his normal usual 4 month break up point he felt he could change that one too. I got really depressed when I saw that. I was really hoping that he wouldn't make it past the 4 month mark with her. I hate to think that he found someone so quickly after dumping me. Proving how little he cared about me after all.
Even so, I've been thinking about him and the X lately. The X is in a relationship. Their facebook walls are covered with "I miss you" and "I'm so in love with him" messages. Yeah, mostly they're from her, but it's obviously mutual. Of course, my screwed up self has to choose this time to start posting on his wall (w/ my profile pic showing me in my skimpy halloween costume). I did feel kind of bad about it. I don't want him. I made that perfectly clear a year ago. I want him to be happy. So why I am trying to insinuate myself between them? Because that means he's found someone at least as good as me. Even though, I discovered she's in the process of a divorce. As in, not divorced yet. Anyway, I did feel bad so after she posted a particularly cute picture of the two of them - which I can't comment on because I'm not her "friend" but I can see because I'm his, I messaged him saying how good they looked together and that I was happy he was happy.
I did notice that she and I aren't that physically dis-similar - at least the me when I was with him. She's a little curvier (which I was before I lost all the weight after we broke up) she dyed her hair dark since they got together, and she's got the smart girl glasses look going on.
I also find myself really missing MM.It's been a full week and a day since I last talked/texted him. I keep fighting the urge to text him. I've read that book He's Just Not That Into You so many times it's ingrained in my brain "don't call." It's just so hard when I see NG and the X moving on and I want proof that I have too. I want to be able to hold MM up and say, "look, I've got somebody too." Oddly, what I like about us is that we can talk once or twice a week, go out once a week, and then text the rest of the time. He doesn't seem to get jealous with me dancing and I've already disclosed my friendship with DI and that is just a friendship. So I don't know why I should need to cling.
Funny, about DI, before halloween we had a talk about stuff. I got pretty drunk when we were hanging out and one little question ended up in me crying talking about how much I really don't like myself and rejection etc. Apparently, he thought something said indicated that I felt rejected by him. Which wasn't the case, but he brought it up and wanted to make sure that we were on the same page. I appreciated that to no end. He's made a few comments that often have me wondering what his true feelings are. It's not secret that he thinks I'm attractive. I just can't seem to figure out if that means also that he's attracted to me. He thought I was in High School the first time we met and he's 50, so color me confused. But in this conversation he did say that we were really good friends and that we shouldn't mess with something good.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Well that's interesting
Wednesday I got a text from my Dance Instructor asking if I wanted to see a movie or do something on Thursday night 'cuz his plans fell through. We've done a couple of movie nights on Thursdays and it's a good time; mellow, but good. So I said yeah, and then found out that there was going to be dancing at the casino again that night. The last time I tried to invite him he was reorganizing his home office, but I thought I'd try again. He agreed.
This is the gig that OG and J do together with another couple. I admit that I wanted to bring DI so that I could show off a little bit. I'm sick of feeling like J doesn't respect me as a dancer because he doesn't ask me to perform with him. I figured it'd be a fun night w/ OG and DI and I'd be okay with J.
Then before I start getting ready I get two texts and a voicemail. One text is from B: she's in town and wants to go out. The message was asking me if I was going to the casino to dance because OG told her about it. The other text was from a girl that had been on our team (Yet Another Girl), but quit in the summer obstensibly because of the time commitment, but in reality because she had reached a level where "she was getting anymore out of it." This is the girl who joined the team for the free private lessons, said she had terrible stage fright, and never once smiled during a performance. I made the mistake last weekend when I was out of town and J called desperate for a partner for the saturday (because all of his regulars including OG were out of town) of giving him YAG's number. I was being nice and for once I should have been selfish and said "gee J, I know all the people you do." But I didn't I was nice and I tried to help.
I'm such a moron. Because now he's given her dates for working on the weekends and invited her out to the casino night. When YAG was on the team I got told off by SOG for having an attitude, because I put up a stink about her having a ton of cool moves and being the new girl on the block. So, there was already some jealousy there. I also know now that J is pretty much out to get every girl he can into bed, so I'm sure that has alot to do with his asking her. Which frustrates me even more, because I have advanced a ton in the last few months, and it doesn't mean shit, because I've already slept with him.
I was a little afraid that I'd go out last night and have a miserable time, or end up making DI have a miserable time due to the drama. There was a little drama at one point. YAG forgot to bring shoes and borrowed a pair of mine, which didn't fit and after an hour wanted to get OG's spare pair. J had the keys and instead of giving them to YAG he went with her. They were gone for more than half an hour. And this was when he should have been working. OG was pissed off because he had fucked off and left her there to work alone. OG, B and I made comments about what "picking up a pair of shoes" really meant. So apparently B is catching on about J's proclivities. But for the most part it was a fun night.
Lots of people gave me and DI complements on our dancing. We even did a really slow number where people were lined up at the edge of the dance floor watching us and applauding. It was awesome. I danced one song with J, but we didn't really have the room and for the most part I wanted to be dancing with DI because he's so much better, and yeah then I could show off a little more.
And at the end of the night DI said he had had a great time. I think we are going to make it a monthly night out.
The downside to the whole night, was driving home. Construction made the 20 min trip getting back to my car w/ DI a 45 minute trip. And then as I was driving home I got an agitated call from OG because the ramps to her highway were closed and she was lost. Since I couldn't get straight answer from her about where she was I told her to hang up and call J, he knows the area. I called again in 10 minutes. He had given her directions, but she missed a sign and was in hysterics because she didn't know where she was, she was driving on top streets in an unfamiliar urban area and at one point she had to tell a teenage prostitute that no s/he wasn't getting a ride. At that point, I was pissed, because the conclusion I came to was that obviously J had given her half-assed directions. (It was easy to be mad at him after the YAG drama). I told her to lock her doors, roll up the window and I'd talk to her soon, hung up and called J.
He answered the phone after 4 rings all groggy sounding, but I knew he'd been on the phone with OG a few minutes before. And I said, "do you know that I have OG on the other line, crying her eyes out, w/ homeless people at her window because she's lost in the city. She hasn't slept since yesterday and she's driving on a spare tire," He did say he had just given her directions, but that he'd call her again. I was close to home, but stopped off to fill up my tank, figuring that if I had to I'd go all the way back and find her if I had to. But when I called her again she was on the correct freeway.
Other than that fiasco it was a good night.
This is the gig that OG and J do together with another couple. I admit that I wanted to bring DI so that I could show off a little bit. I'm sick of feeling like J doesn't respect me as a dancer because he doesn't ask me to perform with him. I figured it'd be a fun night w/ OG and DI and I'd be okay with J.
Then before I start getting ready I get two texts and a voicemail. One text is from B: she's in town and wants to go out. The message was asking me if I was going to the casino to dance because OG told her about it. The other text was from a girl that had been on our team (Yet Another Girl), but quit in the summer obstensibly because of the time commitment, but in reality because she had reached a level where "she was getting anymore out of it." This is the girl who joined the team for the free private lessons, said she had terrible stage fright, and never once smiled during a performance. I made the mistake last weekend when I was out of town and J called desperate for a partner for the saturday (because all of his regulars including OG were out of town) of giving him YAG's number. I was being nice and for once I should have been selfish and said "gee J, I know all the people you do." But I didn't I was nice and I tried to help.
I'm such a moron. Because now he's given her dates for working on the weekends and invited her out to the casino night. When YAG was on the team I got told off by SOG for having an attitude, because I put up a stink about her having a ton of cool moves and being the new girl on the block. So, there was already some jealousy there. I also know now that J is pretty much out to get every girl he can into bed, so I'm sure that has alot to do with his asking her. Which frustrates me even more, because I have advanced a ton in the last few months, and it doesn't mean shit, because I've already slept with him.
I was a little afraid that I'd go out last night and have a miserable time, or end up making DI have a miserable time due to the drama. There was a little drama at one point. YAG forgot to bring shoes and borrowed a pair of mine, which didn't fit and after an hour wanted to get OG's spare pair. J had the keys and instead of giving them to YAG he went with her. They were gone for more than half an hour. And this was when he should have been working. OG was pissed off because he had fucked off and left her there to work alone. OG, B and I made comments about what "picking up a pair of shoes" really meant. So apparently B is catching on about J's proclivities. But for the most part it was a fun night.
Lots of people gave me and DI complements on our dancing. We even did a really slow number where people were lined up at the edge of the dance floor watching us and applauding. It was awesome. I danced one song with J, but we didn't really have the room and for the most part I wanted to be dancing with DI because he's so much better, and yeah then I could show off a little more.
And at the end of the night DI said he had had a great time. I think we are going to make it a monthly night out.
The downside to the whole night, was driving home. Construction made the 20 min trip getting back to my car w/ DI a 45 minute trip. And then as I was driving home I got an agitated call from OG because the ramps to her highway were closed and she was lost. Since I couldn't get straight answer from her about where she was I told her to hang up and call J, he knows the area. I called again in 10 minutes. He had given her directions, but she missed a sign and was in hysterics because she didn't know where she was, she was driving on top streets in an unfamiliar urban area and at one point she had to tell a teenage prostitute that no s/he wasn't getting a ride. At that point, I was pissed, because the conclusion I came to was that obviously J had given her half-assed directions. (It was easy to be mad at him after the YAG drama). I told her to lock her doors, roll up the window and I'd talk to her soon, hung up and called J.
He answered the phone after 4 rings all groggy sounding, but I knew he'd been on the phone with OG a few minutes before. And I said, "do you know that I have OG on the other line, crying her eyes out, w/ homeless people at her window because she's lost in the city. She hasn't slept since yesterday and she's driving on a spare tire," He did say he had just given her directions, but that he'd call her again. I was close to home, but stopped off to fill up my tank, figuring that if I had to I'd go all the way back and find her if I had to. But when I called her again she was on the correct freeway.
Other than that fiasco it was a good night.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
When it Rains
It's odd, but now that I am busier than I have been in a whole year, now when I have no time to introduce new things or people into my life, now is when I have exactly that.
I have two dates this weekend. Two dates, two guys.
OG's birthday was last month and when we went out for a "quiet night" at a martini bar we both ended up getting plastered and dancing at multiple bars. The reason for that--these guys we met at said martini bar. We had noticed one of the guys in the group when he went by us to the bathroom because he was very attractive. Eventually the whole group moved over to a table near OG and I. One was trying to get our attention, but we wanted a quiet night so we ignored him and danced together instead. Mistake, because he was from Puerto Rico and immediately had something in common w/ the latin dancing. Turned out the attractive guy had no personality, but his friend (not the PR) who is not my type in the least (skinny nerdy red head), was so funny and interesting that now I have a date with him.
The second guy is a dancer who I know from about a year and a half ago, but he had a girlfriend and then he stopped dancing for awhile. Well he came back a few months ago, dancing, but with out the girlfriend. Now he's dancing with me non-stop, inviting me out, giving me back rubs, texting me, facebook messaging me and everything else to tell me how much he likes me. Finally over the weekend he came out and asked me to dinner.
So Friday I have a date with the Martini Man, and Sunday with Yet Another Dancer.
I have two dates this weekend. Two dates, two guys.
OG's birthday was last month and when we went out for a "quiet night" at a martini bar we both ended up getting plastered and dancing at multiple bars. The reason for that--these guys we met at said martini bar. We had noticed one of the guys in the group when he went by us to the bathroom because he was very attractive. Eventually the whole group moved over to a table near OG and I. One was trying to get our attention, but we wanted a quiet night so we ignored him and danced together instead. Mistake, because he was from Puerto Rico and immediately had something in common w/ the latin dancing. Turned out the attractive guy had no personality, but his friend (not the PR) who is not my type in the least (skinny nerdy red head), was so funny and interesting that now I have a date with him.
The second guy is a dancer who I know from about a year and a half ago, but he had a girlfriend and then he stopped dancing for awhile. Well he came back a few months ago, dancing, but with out the girlfriend. Now he's dancing with me non-stop, inviting me out, giving me back rubs, texting me, facebook messaging me and everything else to tell me how much he likes me. Finally over the weekend he came out and asked me to dinner.
So Friday I have a date with the Martini Man, and Sunday with Yet Another Dancer.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Long Time
I realized that it has been a really long time since I've posted anything. I have a back log of drafts that I started and didn't get to finish before posting. I will try to fill those in sometime soon.
The biggest change is that I'm working again. I had about an 8 month vacation, but I also got to the point where my credit card balance was larger than my bank account. Besides the dance instruction job that I took over from J which is only two hours a week, I took the first job I was offered. An adjunct instructor position at my local community college. I have two master degrees and one is good enough to teach at a community college. I had put my resume in with a different department, but when they became desperate for English instructors my info was forwarded and I got an email.
I started on September 3 teaching two different composition courses. With in a couple of weeks I was also offered a position in my preferred profession, the one I left and was wondering if I'd go back to. I am glad that I took the position. I am glad to be back. I realized it was a mistake to go into the public realm and since returning to academics I'm much happier. It is at a different school than the one I'm currently teaching at. But in someways it's very similar. Instead of a community college it is called a "right to try" college. So they'll take anyone with a high school diploma or the equivalent.
It turns out that the English teaching was a huge mistake also. I don't think that I have gotten a full night's sleep since I started. First it's two different classes so that is twice the preparation time. And since I've never taught these before it takes a long time to prepare. It's Composition I and II. So I have to cover some pretty basic things, grammar, writing well, thesis, intro, conclusion etc. And my Comp I is mostly freshmen. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to comma patients. Honestly, they say they get it, but really they're not listening, not paying attention, not caring and their performance shows it. I've gotten to the point where I'm starting to not care also. Maybe 1/4 of my students are actually trying. They are the same kids that sit up front and try to answer every question. The funny thing is that I don't dislike them as people, just as students.
I've come to realize that I take my intelligence for granted. I don't need to be told three times that a paper needs to be double spaced and still hand it in single spaced. Or take a homework assignment and attempt to do it with out reading the directions. Or just not do an assignment because I don't understand it because I haven't read the directions, or I didn't listen to the instructor explain the directions.
I have a huge stack papers that need to be graded and I just can't make myself get to it. They were turned in last week Wednesday, but I was busy getting ready for a weekend dance trip (3 days and nights of dancing and workshops!) and trying to clean my house for my mother's return home.
I've begun grinding my teeth at night and dreaming about problem students. I am more stressed than I can ever remember being. I was supposed to choose my winter semester classes by today and I just couldn't to it.
My schedule right now is: Mon/Wed 9am to 9:30pm, Tues/Thurs 8:30am to 7:30pm, and Friday 8:30a - 3pm. That doesn't include commuting there and back 1/2 an hour to an hour each way. On top of that I still have dance team practice on thursdays and sundays, my private lessons I do after work on Fridays, group classes on Saturday. I'm drowning in work and my personal goals are suffering.
I was supposed to decide by today what classes I wanted to teach for next semester. I told the chair of my department that none fit my schedule. I just can't take this again in the winter. Instead I'm refocusing on my dancing and I'm going to take two classes instead. It's time to get selfish again for 2009.
The biggest change is that I'm working again. I had about an 8 month vacation, but I also got to the point where my credit card balance was larger than my bank account. Besides the dance instruction job that I took over from J which is only two hours a week, I took the first job I was offered. An adjunct instructor position at my local community college. I have two master degrees and one is good enough to teach at a community college. I had put my resume in with a different department, but when they became desperate for English instructors my info was forwarded and I got an email.
I started on September 3 teaching two different composition courses. With in a couple of weeks I was also offered a position in my preferred profession, the one I left and was wondering if I'd go back to. I am glad that I took the position. I am glad to be back. I realized it was a mistake to go into the public realm and since returning to academics I'm much happier. It is at a different school than the one I'm currently teaching at. But in someways it's very similar. Instead of a community college it is called a "right to try" college. So they'll take anyone with a high school diploma or the equivalent.
It turns out that the English teaching was a huge mistake also. I don't think that I have gotten a full night's sleep since I started. First it's two different classes so that is twice the preparation time. And since I've never taught these before it takes a long time to prepare. It's Composition I and II. So I have to cover some pretty basic things, grammar, writing well, thesis, intro, conclusion etc. And my Comp I is mostly freshmen. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to comma patients. Honestly, they say they get it, but really they're not listening, not paying attention, not caring and their performance shows it. I've gotten to the point where I'm starting to not care also. Maybe 1/4 of my students are actually trying. They are the same kids that sit up front and try to answer every question. The funny thing is that I don't dislike them as people, just as students.
I've come to realize that I take my intelligence for granted. I don't need to be told three times that a paper needs to be double spaced and still hand it in single spaced. Or take a homework assignment and attempt to do it with out reading the directions. Or just not do an assignment because I don't understand it because I haven't read the directions, or I didn't listen to the instructor explain the directions.
I have a huge stack papers that need to be graded and I just can't make myself get to it. They were turned in last week Wednesday, but I was busy getting ready for a weekend dance trip (3 days and nights of dancing and workshops!) and trying to clean my house for my mother's return home.
I've begun grinding my teeth at night and dreaming about problem students. I am more stressed than I can ever remember being. I was supposed to choose my winter semester classes by today and I just couldn't to it.
My schedule right now is: Mon/Wed 9am to 9:30pm, Tues/Thurs 8:30am to 7:30pm, and Friday 8:30a - 3pm. That doesn't include commuting there and back 1/2 an hour to an hour each way. On top of that I still have dance team practice on thursdays and sundays, my private lessons I do after work on Fridays, group classes on Saturday. I'm drowning in work and my personal goals are suffering.
I was supposed to decide by today what classes I wanted to teach for next semester. I told the chair of my department that none fit my schedule. I just can't take this again in the winter. Instead I'm refocusing on my dancing and I'm going to take two classes instead. It's time to get selfish again for 2009.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
I really need something else to do
I was trolling around facebook today.
I found
1) a photo album of JB's wedding.
2) a friend of J's from the city he visited who is engaged to someone else.
Color me confused
I found
1) a photo album of JB's wedding.
2) a friend of J's from the city he visited who is engaged to someone else.
Color me confused
Saturday, August 30, 2008
If you're gonna play in the mud
Went out with OG on Friday. It was either another friday alone at the movies, or going to see her and J dance. So I went with going out with her. I really should have gone to the movies.
I was hanging out at the bar with J's Brother. I think we got on the topic of the labor day weekend and plans. An outdoor festival was my plan, until OG asked me to do the saturday night show with her because J had friends in town and needed the night off. So that became my plan instead. JB then said that yes, this girl that J's dating, his other brother and his girlfriend, and the parents were all coming over to JB's house for the long weekend.
Yep, the girl that J's dating, the one he was picking up from the airport that night, the one that he couldn't bring out on saturday, the one from the same state he visited over the 4th of July weekend, the same one he cheated on two weeks ago by having sex with me.
Now, I remember a good bit of our hot tub conversations, and while I do recall a mention of a girl "I used to date" and a girl "I dated" but I am 100% positive that there was never a mention of a current girlfriend.
OG and I invited JB out for coffee with us when we left. He was going to join us, but half way there calls and says he can't he's got to go pick up J and his "lady friend" at the airport, because J illegally parked and was towed. At which point I responded "wow, what a great impression to make when you're picking up your girlfriend, welcome to The City, oh, I have no car." I was not corrected in the use of the word girlfriend.
Now, the pros of this situation are 1) I can stop thinking J is a kid in a candy store when it comes to sex and women and remind myself that he really is a player, and 2) I will never trust the guy again and 3) will never sleep with the guy again, and 4) can honestly say that my need to perform with him is quickly being engulfed by red hot seething hatred and 5) maybe I'm being cured of my ridiculous obsession.
I try to keep reminding myself, that unlike some people I know (B) I didn't intentionally cheat on anybody. I didn't look at J with a girlfriend and say, I want me some of that. In my mind he wouldn't have slept with me if he was in a relationship, but then I have ethics. I keep forgetting that some people don't. I feel so bad for this girl who flew out for a long weekend with her boyfriend and his family, and has no idea what a douche bag he really is. And the fact that I was put in the situation of having helped hurt her (if she ever finds out) makes me furious.
At the same time, JB continues to pursue me. He was asking OG if he was my type. He asked me if I had dated his brother (hmm...date? not exactly). Of course knowing his brother, he's got to know what "kinda sorta" really means. The sad part is, his brother is extremely nice. I've heard of these stories (like the airport) where he helps out J so many times. But I'm afraid I'd only go out with him to upset J. Three days ago I would have said to make J jealous, but now I know better. J did take JB aside and told him to stop flirting with me and OG. Except, deep down I know I'm a good person and I'd never do that to a nice guy.
I was hanging out at the bar with J's Brother. I think we got on the topic of the labor day weekend and plans. An outdoor festival was my plan, until OG asked me to do the saturday night show with her because J had friends in town and needed the night off. So that became my plan instead. JB then said that yes, this girl that J's dating, his other brother and his girlfriend, and the parents were all coming over to JB's house for the long weekend.
Yep, the girl that J's dating, the one he was picking up from the airport that night, the one that he couldn't bring out on saturday, the one from the same state he visited over the 4th of July weekend, the same one he cheated on two weeks ago by having sex with me.
Now, I remember a good bit of our hot tub conversations, and while I do recall a mention of a girl "I used to date" and a girl "I dated" but I am 100% positive that there was never a mention of a current girlfriend.
OG and I invited JB out for coffee with us when we left. He was going to join us, but half way there calls and says he can't he's got to go pick up J and his "lady friend" at the airport, because J illegally parked and was towed. At which point I responded "wow, what a great impression to make when you're picking up your girlfriend, welcome to The City, oh, I have no car." I was not corrected in the use of the word girlfriend.
Now, the pros of this situation are 1) I can stop thinking J is a kid in a candy store when it comes to sex and women and remind myself that he really is a player, and 2) I will never trust the guy again and 3) will never sleep with the guy again, and 4) can honestly say that my need to perform with him is quickly being engulfed by red hot seething hatred and 5) maybe I'm being cured of my ridiculous obsession.
I try to keep reminding myself, that unlike some people I know (B) I didn't intentionally cheat on anybody. I didn't look at J with a girlfriend and say, I want me some of that. In my mind he wouldn't have slept with me if he was in a relationship, but then I have ethics. I keep forgetting that some people don't. I feel so bad for this girl who flew out for a long weekend with her boyfriend and his family, and has no idea what a douche bag he really is. And the fact that I was put in the situation of having helped hurt her (if she ever finds out) makes me furious.
At the same time, JB continues to pursue me. He was asking OG if he was my type. He asked me if I had dated his brother (hmm...date? not exactly). Of course knowing his brother, he's got to know what "kinda sorta" really means. The sad part is, his brother is extremely nice. I've heard of these stories (like the airport) where he helps out J so many times. But I'm afraid I'd only go out with him to upset J. Three days ago I would have said to make J jealous, but now I know better. J did take JB aside and told him to stop flirting with me and OG. Except, deep down I know I'm a good person and I'd never do that to a nice guy.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Groupie
There was a dance night at a local casino last night. I went knowing some other dancers were also going to be there. OG, J, and another couple were performing there as well. J got the job and it was for two couples so he invited his other dance partner, and another guy. They were there to dance on the dance floor to get people interested and then to dance with other people to. So it was more interactive and not a straight performance.
The night started pretty fun. There were dancers there. During some of the club music there weren't many people dancing so I got to do a samba with J. But later the band wasn't great. They played some really bad songs right when OG, J and the other two went to take their break and change. Which meant there was almost nobody dancing. Most of the real dancers left at that point. When the band took a break they started playing clubbing music and there were alot more people on the floor - which was fun for all of three songs.
When the band came back I mostly got to stand around. I ended up with two dances, one with J and one with the other performer. Then both me and my ride wanted to go. So we left. We ended up leaving the same time as OG, J and the other couple. We were waiting for an elevator when J invited us to continue partying - apparently the casino gave them hotel rooms to change in and somehow got to keep them for the night. My ride didn't want to, but I ended up staying 'cuz OG said she'd give me a ride home.
The plan was to eat drink, and maybe go back to OG's for the hottub, or just drink in one of the rooms. But J had forgotten a dr. appointment he had at 8am. So we ended up just getting food. The other guy called it a night before the food even, so it was just J and three girls. The other dance partner was quite nice. The two of them are obviously good friends. Turns out they work at a dance studio together.
But at the beginning and the very end of the night talk was on performing. The casino wants to repeat the night once a month, but the night starts before the other dance partner gets off of work at the studio. J just said she's have to be all hooched out and ready to go and just be half an hour late. At the end of the evening he was setting up dates for them to perform with him, and it was very awkward feeling. Here I am dying to do more shows of any kind and he'd rather have this girl show up late than ask me to do it.
So I'm sitting there feeling like a stupid wannabe. It's like the groupies that can't be musicians so they just hang around them all the time. That's me. Since nobody actually wants to perform with me I guess I'll just sit next to the real performers and seethe inwardly with jealousy.
The night started pretty fun. There were dancers there. During some of the club music there weren't many people dancing so I got to do a samba with J. But later the band wasn't great. They played some really bad songs right when OG, J and the other two went to take their break and change. Which meant there was almost nobody dancing. Most of the real dancers left at that point. When the band took a break they started playing clubbing music and there were alot more people on the floor - which was fun for all of three songs.
When the band came back I mostly got to stand around. I ended up with two dances, one with J and one with the other performer. Then both me and my ride wanted to go. So we left. We ended up leaving the same time as OG, J and the other couple. We were waiting for an elevator when J invited us to continue partying - apparently the casino gave them hotel rooms to change in and somehow got to keep them for the night. My ride didn't want to, but I ended up staying 'cuz OG said she'd give me a ride home.
The plan was to eat drink, and maybe go back to OG's for the hottub, or just drink in one of the rooms. But J had forgotten a dr. appointment he had at 8am. So we ended up just getting food. The other guy called it a night before the food even, so it was just J and three girls. The other dance partner was quite nice. The two of them are obviously good friends. Turns out they work at a dance studio together.
But at the beginning and the very end of the night talk was on performing. The casino wants to repeat the night once a month, but the night starts before the other dance partner gets off of work at the studio. J just said she's have to be all hooched out and ready to go and just be half an hour late. At the end of the evening he was setting up dates for them to perform with him, and it was very awkward feeling. Here I am dying to do more shows of any kind and he'd rather have this girl show up late than ask me to do it.
So I'm sitting there feeling like a stupid wannabe. It's like the groupies that can't be musicians so they just hang around them all the time. That's me. Since nobody actually wants to perform with me I guess I'll just sit next to the real performers and seethe inwardly with jealousy.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
An Interesting evening part 2 What happens in the hot tub stays in the hot tub
We pinky swore, so I can't reveal what others said, but I can talk about the crazy hours in the hot tub, and the crazy hours after the hot tub.
If I can figure out where to begin.
We got in the hot tub - OG lent me a swim suit, she had another, and J went commando. That in itself would have been a decent end to the night, but it kept getting more and more surreal. OG took her top off, so I did too. Then she got us wine, and after the wine tequila. And we started playing a weird game of truth.
Like I said we pinky swore that what was said that night would stay there, but I think I safely share a couple of tidbits. I was kind of surprised that J's craziest moment was actually a time that we were together. I actually admitted to starving myself when J asked for something no one else knows. It was really illuminating for me to hang out with J like that. To hear from him all of these different sex-capades. I always figured he was a player, but now I realize he's just a slut.
We eventually got way to warm in the hot tub, got out and started dancing on the patio. J, naked, and us topless. Eventually J and I ended up making out and OG left us to it. Needless to say we ended up doing it on her patio. I can't believe how much of I have missed being with him, sexually I mean. The only weird thing was J wanting OG to watch. I think he wanted her to take of care herself while we did it. But she wasn't having any of that and went inside until we were done.
We got back in the hot tub for a bit, but it was getting light out and OG was afraid her parents would get up so, we got out and went to breakfast. We were a little obnoxious and took lots of pictures. The truth continued a little bit more. A second pinky swear made sure that what was said at the diner table stayed between us. B came up at one point, B and her BF, but OG very carefully deflected the conversation. But I think if we ever hang out like this again sometime, I might have to bring it up. J's Brother (JsB)came up in conversation. Apparently he did ask J about me last night, and J's response was that we had gone a couple of times. Probably the most diplomatic of answers, if not the most truthful. I feel a little bad about the JsB situation. He's so nice, and alot more stable than J is, but it makes me wonder how many girls he loses to his brother.
OG and J had to work at 10am, but it was only like 7am, but couldn't go back to her house. We ended up parking the car lowering the back seats (I have a hatchback now) and cuddling - or making a puppy pile as I call it - and sleeping. Well, mostly sleeping. At some point J, started groping me, and he had a huge hard on, so I started groping him, and the next thing I know, we're doing it (ah the memories) and OG has to move up to the front seat to avoid us. I'm smiling thinking about, but at the same time I'm pretty appalled, and will officially have to change my answer to "what's the craziest thing you've ever done?"
After that we drove back, dropped OG off, and left. They went to work, and I got into a car accident (yes, with my new car!) trying to get to a quickstep lesson. That's Karma for you. Apparently my car does not like being used as a sex-mobile and told me so by making me pay out the wazoo for repairs and the ticket.
Oddly, it was a majorly fun night. And I think that it went a long way to putting to rest all my issues about J. Seeing him as he really is not as how I think he is or how I want him to be or how he was when he was getting in my pants. I think was the first step to being comfortable with him as a friend. Who would have thought?
If I can figure out where to begin.
We got in the hot tub - OG lent me a swim suit, she had another, and J went commando. That in itself would have been a decent end to the night, but it kept getting more and more surreal. OG took her top off, so I did too. Then she got us wine, and after the wine tequila. And we started playing a weird game of truth.
Like I said we pinky swore that what was said that night would stay there, but I think I safely share a couple of tidbits. I was kind of surprised that J's craziest moment was actually a time that we were together. I actually admitted to starving myself when J asked for something no one else knows. It was really illuminating for me to hang out with J like that. To hear from him all of these different sex-capades. I always figured he was a player, but now I realize he's just a slut.
We eventually got way to warm in the hot tub, got out and started dancing on the patio. J, naked, and us topless. Eventually J and I ended up making out and OG left us to it. Needless to say we ended up doing it on her patio. I can't believe how much of I have missed being with him, sexually I mean. The only weird thing was J wanting OG to watch. I think he wanted her to take of care herself while we did it. But she wasn't having any of that and went inside until we were done.
We got back in the hot tub for a bit, but it was getting light out and OG was afraid her parents would get up so, we got out and went to breakfast. We were a little obnoxious and took lots of pictures. The truth continued a little bit more. A second pinky swear made sure that what was said at the diner table stayed between us. B came up at one point, B and her BF, but OG very carefully deflected the conversation. But I think if we ever hang out like this again sometime, I might have to bring it up. J's Brother (JsB)came up in conversation. Apparently he did ask J about me last night, and J's response was that we had gone a couple of times. Probably the most diplomatic of answers, if not the most truthful. I feel a little bad about the JsB situation. He's so nice, and alot more stable than J is, but it makes me wonder how many girls he loses to his brother.
OG and J had to work at 10am, but it was only like 7am, but couldn't go back to her house. We ended up parking the car lowering the back seats (I have a hatchback now) and cuddling - or making a puppy pile as I call it - and sleeping. Well, mostly sleeping. At some point J, started groping me, and he had a huge hard on, so I started groping him, and the next thing I know, we're doing it (ah the memories) and OG has to move up to the front seat to avoid us. I'm smiling thinking about, but at the same time I'm pretty appalled, and will officially have to change my answer to "what's the craziest thing you've ever done?"
After that we drove back, dropped OG off, and left. They went to work, and I got into a car accident (yes, with my new car!) trying to get to a quickstep lesson. That's Karma for you. Apparently my car does not like being used as a sex-mobile and told me so by making me pay out the wazoo for repairs and the ticket.
Oddly, it was a majorly fun night. And I think that it went a long way to putting to rest all my issues about J. Seeing him as he really is not as how I think he is or how I want him to be or how he was when he was getting in my pants. I think was the first step to being comfortable with him as a friend. Who would have thought?
An Interesting evening part 1 - Dance Dance
Other Girl (OG)decided she wanted to go check out her performing competition at J's club last night and wanted me to go along. The plan was to go shopping - a boutique was having a sale and I need new work clothes - then we'd get ready, eat there, watch them dance and dance a little ourselves.
At first I told her I'd go shopping, but not out after. I figured I needed to stop seeing J all together. I hd been toying with the idea of asking him to practice with me, in the hopes that proximity would get all the feelings out of me. But in the end I figured I'd just steer clear of him all together. I was particularly upset when the last couple of shows that OG bailed on he didn't ask me to fill in. Even tho she suggested he call me. It's like, why doesn't he want to dance with me? On top of that I've been thinking alot about NG lately. So I was expecting to be pretty miserable if I did go.
She ended up calling him and telling him that we were coming even tho she wasn't dancing - I still could have opted out, but I had the brilliant idea of inviting Frenchy. Thinking him paying me alot of attention and then I'd have someone to dance with too since J doesn't really ask me that much.
But Frenchy said he couldn't make it. He said he was "on-call" for 3 or 4 days and couldn't go out. But I'm not sure I believe him. He was really nice on the phone 'cuz I was calling him, until I invited him and then he suddenly had to go. I think I may have spooked him. Until now we've only really hung out at his place and had sex. We played raquettball once.
So I was pretty bummed to start out the evening but cheered up after finding some cute clothes. And decided to go with her and make the most of it.
We got there and started talking to J's brother. He's quite the flirt, but I don't usually think much of it. But then OG says he's asked about me before and at some point in the evening he asked me out. I tried to play it off, hoping he wasn't serious. He just asked me if I was seeing someone, and I said kind of. Because I don't really know what's up with me and Frenchy. I'm kind of seeing him, but we're not really dating.
OG checked out her "competition" that is J's other dance partner. They are on par with each other. OG is younger and cuter where as this girl was more obviously sexy, she wore a very short skirt, a top that kept riding up and she definitely knows how to body roll. I feel a little better after seeing her in knowing why J would call her to fill in for OG and not me. But I'm close, very close. I feel bad sometimes wanting OG to move on to better things so I can have her spot there. But I do wish it.
I bet OG earlier in the night that J wouldn't ask me to dance, I bet her in escelating amounts that he wouldn't ask me for one dance, more than one dance, and a romantic dance. He ended up asking me for the romantic dance. So now I owe OG $20. I even danced with his brother, and he asked me to teach him a few moves. At the end of the night J even asked me to foxtrot with him when sinatra closed down the dance floor.
After that I invited the brothers for coffee. So we went out for another drink instead. The talk turned to dancing and eventually the brother left. I felt really bad because I had wanted him to be included. I tried to sit between him and J so that I could keep him in the conversation, but OG got there first.
We had some good conversation, even though his brother got left out. I mentioned that I have his job now. He thought it was great. I talked about doing lifts and more ballroom stuff. We talked about performing and while OG and J don't think that SOG treats me fair, I got to make my point that I have no other outlet for performing. It's him or nothing. It was a subtle hint for J that I want to perform more.
After that OG invited J back to her place (she drove and my car was at her house) for a soak in the hot tub. We got there around 3am and were in the hot tub until about 6 am.
At first I told her I'd go shopping, but not out after. I figured I needed to stop seeing J all together. I hd been toying with the idea of asking him to practice with me, in the hopes that proximity would get all the feelings out of me. But in the end I figured I'd just steer clear of him all together. I was particularly upset when the last couple of shows that OG bailed on he didn't ask me to fill in. Even tho she suggested he call me. It's like, why doesn't he want to dance with me? On top of that I've been thinking alot about NG lately. So I was expecting to be pretty miserable if I did go.
She ended up calling him and telling him that we were coming even tho she wasn't dancing - I still could have opted out, but I had the brilliant idea of inviting Frenchy. Thinking him paying me alot of attention and then I'd have someone to dance with too since J doesn't really ask me that much.
But Frenchy said he couldn't make it. He said he was "on-call" for 3 or 4 days and couldn't go out. But I'm not sure I believe him. He was really nice on the phone 'cuz I was calling him, until I invited him and then he suddenly had to go. I think I may have spooked him. Until now we've only really hung out at his place and had sex. We played raquettball once.
So I was pretty bummed to start out the evening but cheered up after finding some cute clothes. And decided to go with her and make the most of it.
We got there and started talking to J's brother. He's quite the flirt, but I don't usually think much of it. But then OG says he's asked about me before and at some point in the evening he asked me out. I tried to play it off, hoping he wasn't serious. He just asked me if I was seeing someone, and I said kind of. Because I don't really know what's up with me and Frenchy. I'm kind of seeing him, but we're not really dating.
OG checked out her "competition" that is J's other dance partner. They are on par with each other. OG is younger and cuter where as this girl was more obviously sexy, she wore a very short skirt, a top that kept riding up and she definitely knows how to body roll. I feel a little better after seeing her in knowing why J would call her to fill in for OG and not me. But I'm close, very close. I feel bad sometimes wanting OG to move on to better things so I can have her spot there. But I do wish it.
I bet OG earlier in the night that J wouldn't ask me to dance, I bet her in escelating amounts that he wouldn't ask me for one dance, more than one dance, and a romantic dance. He ended up asking me for the romantic dance. So now I owe OG $20. I even danced with his brother, and he asked me to teach him a few moves. At the end of the night J even asked me to foxtrot with him when sinatra closed down the dance floor.
After that I invited the brothers for coffee. So we went out for another drink instead. The talk turned to dancing and eventually the brother left. I felt really bad because I had wanted him to be included. I tried to sit between him and J so that I could keep him in the conversation, but OG got there first.
We had some good conversation, even though his brother got left out. I mentioned that I have his job now. He thought it was great. I talked about doing lifts and more ballroom stuff. We talked about performing and while OG and J don't think that SOG treats me fair, I got to make my point that I have no other outlet for performing. It's him or nothing. It was a subtle hint for J that I want to perform more.
After that OG invited J back to her place (she drove and my car was at her house) for a soak in the hot tub. We got there around 3am and were in the hot tub until about 6 am.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Paranoia
I was so upset yesterday by the "I shouldn't have texted him" panic, that I didn't even do my grocery shopping at that store. Since it's only a mile from my home, I immediately turned around and went home.
Last night I spent at Frenchy's and on the way home I decided I ought to stop and pick up the rest of my groceries.
I'm reading "The Great American Detox Diet" by Alex Jamieson. She's the wife of Morgan Spurlock and wrote the book after people kept asking her about the diet she put him on after he finished eating McDonalds 24/7 for Supersize Me. I am currently eliminating sugar from my diet and my system. Most of my staple foods have sugar in them, not to mention all the sweets I like. But salsa, pasta sauce, enchilada sauce, salad dressing, bread, wheat tortillas, gum, mints. They all have sugar in some form or another. Eventually I will put back in honey, and some of the less obvious forms of sugar like evaporated cane juice. But I'm saying goodbye to high fructose corn syrup, and sugar if it's too high on the ingredients list. This also means I'm off of alcohol for the time being, but I'll probably go back to wine and beer eventually too.
Anyway, I'm super paranoid about going anywhere near this shopping center. It was 12:30 by the time I got there and parked. I notice a Pontiac in the row next to me and freak out. Re-park. Go in buy my stuff (found a salsa with no sugar!) and come out. I drive by the pontiac again, but it's not his.
I'm starting to feel like a stalker just by living here.
Last night I spent at Frenchy's and on the way home I decided I ought to stop and pick up the rest of my groceries.
I'm reading "The Great American Detox Diet" by Alex Jamieson. She's the wife of Morgan Spurlock and wrote the book after people kept asking her about the diet she put him on after he finished eating McDonalds 24/7 for Supersize Me. I am currently eliminating sugar from my diet and my system. Most of my staple foods have sugar in them, not to mention all the sweets I like. But salsa, pasta sauce, enchilada sauce, salad dressing, bread, wheat tortillas, gum, mints. They all have sugar in some form or another. Eventually I will put back in honey, and some of the less obvious forms of sugar like evaporated cane juice. But I'm saying goodbye to high fructose corn syrup, and sugar if it's too high on the ingredients list. This also means I'm off of alcohol for the time being, but I'll probably go back to wine and beer eventually too.
Anyway, I'm super paranoid about going anywhere near this shopping center. It was 12:30 by the time I got there and parked. I notice a Pontiac in the row next to me and freak out. Re-park. Go in buy my stuff (found a salsa with no sugar!) and come out. I drive by the pontiac again, but it's not his.
I'm starting to feel like a stalker just by living here.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Power of the Mind
So, obviously I've been thinking alot about NG since I found out he has a girlfriend now. To top it off he works not that far from where I live since I moved back to my mom's house. I realized it on the way back from a dance lesson, I pass his work every time I go to and from my private lesson. (blech)
I was out and about early this afternoon - One-ish. And I'm thinking of NG, 'cuz monday when we were going out was his evening shift, he didn't go in until 1pm. My grocery store is basically across the street from his work. There are also some restaurants, anyway, it's going through my mind how it's a good thing I'm on a ridiculously strict diet right now, or I could just start trolling the restaurants around lunch time each day until I run into him. But I'm thinking how I don't want to run into him. I've been going over senarios in my head and I usually end up being very mean.
Anyway, I'm driving into my grocery store and who do I drive right by? NG.
I recongized his car and then his licence plate - he has an alumni plate from our mutual alma mater.
I made the mistake of texting him. It's funny because if it were the X, it would have been a total no brainer. We got along so well after some time had passed. That I would email or text him when I thought of stuff he'd like or if I saw him randomly.
But as soon as I sent it, I thought "what am I doing?" NG's not the X, NG didn't stay friends with me. NG was friendly the week after, had one more conversation with me in May, and has never returned an email.
Not to mention - how much more stalker-like can it get than: Hey, were you driving down main st at 2pm today, after leaving the grocery store parking lot? Cuz I totally saw you there!! LOL
Okay - that's not what I said, but close enough.
He did respond - just asking what I was doing in the area, and I've got nothing from my responce.
I'm deleting his number from my phone. I just can't have this happen ever again. If I had done that in the first place then this never would have happened.
I was out and about early this afternoon - One-ish. And I'm thinking of NG, 'cuz monday when we were going out was his evening shift, he didn't go in until 1pm. My grocery store is basically across the street from his work. There are also some restaurants, anyway, it's going through my mind how it's a good thing I'm on a ridiculously strict diet right now, or I could just start trolling the restaurants around lunch time each day until I run into him. But I'm thinking how I don't want to run into him. I've been going over senarios in my head and I usually end up being very mean.
Anyway, I'm driving into my grocery store and who do I drive right by? NG.
I recongized his car and then his licence plate - he has an alumni plate from our mutual alma mater.
I made the mistake of texting him. It's funny because if it were the X, it would have been a total no brainer. We got along so well after some time had passed. That I would email or text him when I thought of stuff he'd like or if I saw him randomly.
But as soon as I sent it, I thought "what am I doing?" NG's not the X, NG didn't stay friends with me. NG was friendly the week after, had one more conversation with me in May, and has never returned an email.
Not to mention - how much more stalker-like can it get than: Hey, were you driving down main st at 2pm today, after leaving the grocery store parking lot? Cuz I totally saw you there!! LOL
Okay - that's not what I said, but close enough.
He did respond - just asking what I was doing in the area, and I've got nothing from my responce.
I'm deleting his number from my phone. I just can't have this happen ever again. If I had done that in the first place then this never would have happened.
Saturday, August 09, 2008
Joining the ranks of employed persons
So after after months of not having a job, and not really looking very hard for one, I am about to become employed again. Yay me!
Two weeks ago wednesday I had an interview and recieved a phone call. The interview is for a part time position in my profession, and the phone call was about a dance instruction job. J's old job, and the class that I first attented two years ago at my gym. I don't know if his availability got so low that they replaced him, or if he got so busy he quit. But either way, the student has become the master!! Mwahahahaha.
I still have not heard back from the interview, however, last wednesday I got an email from a professor at the local community college asking if I wanted to become an adjunct and teach English Composition. I put in an application about a year ago when I found out I was going to get booted out of my job, in a different department. But I do have a masters degree in writing so they must have filed my app in more than one place (or possibly misfiled it, who knows). The email went out to a number of people, but I got mine about 3 hours after it was sent and immediately said yes.
So as of September 3 I will actually be employed at least part time. And I am going to call on the other interview, because I should be the only one being considered as I had inside information and as far as I know the job was never posted. A friend left the position, and her boss doesn't want to interview 100 qualified applicants. So when she left the job, I applied and the job was never posted as being open. I think the boss is a bit of a procastinator so I just need to call and remind her that I'm still waiting.
Two weeks ago wednesday I had an interview and recieved a phone call. The interview is for a part time position in my profession, and the phone call was about a dance instruction job. J's old job, and the class that I first attented two years ago at my gym. I don't know if his availability got so low that they replaced him, or if he got so busy he quit. But either way, the student has become the master!! Mwahahahaha.
I still have not heard back from the interview, however, last wednesday I got an email from a professor at the local community college asking if I wanted to become an adjunct and teach English Composition. I put in an application about a year ago when I found out I was going to get booted out of my job, in a different department. But I do have a masters degree in writing so they must have filed my app in more than one place (or possibly misfiled it, who knows). The email went out to a number of people, but I got mine about 3 hours after it was sent and immediately said yes.
So as of September 3 I will actually be employed at least part time. And I am going to call on the other interview, because I should be the only one being considered as I had inside information and as far as I know the job was never posted. A friend left the position, and her boss doesn't want to interview 100 qualified applicants. So when she left the job, I applied and the job was never posted as being open. I think the boss is a bit of a procastinator so I just need to call and remind her that I'm still waiting.
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Why I should stay off the internet
NG is in a relationship. He changed his myspace status. I haven't thought about him in a long time, I have this French guy who I've seen on a few occasions who is really nice to me, and yet here I am crying.
I feel even more stupid for holding on to the feeling that he'd come to his senses. That after some months had gone by we'd be at a club and he'd ask me out again, that things would go well the second time. I guess all my excuses for why he broke up with me were wrong. He just didn't want me.
I feel even more stupid for holding on to the feeling that he'd come to his senses. That after some months had gone by we'd be at a club and he'd ask me out again, that things would go well the second time. I guess all my excuses for why he broke up with me were wrong. He just didn't want me.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Heroes and Villains
The past few days I've been ill at home w/ a viral infection doing nothing more than watching tv, eating fruit and drinking water and gatorade.
I saw a couple of interesting things on tv in that time. First was the advertisement for the upcoming third season of Heroes. This "volume" is called "villains" and the add shows not only the known villains we've met in seasons one and two, new ones, and a few of our favorite heroes as possible villains. Because in every hero there could be a villain.
Then I caught on the history channel a show about Batman and the "reality" of his gizmos and gadgets, his suit, but also his personality and those of his enemies. Someone made an interesting point. That both Batman and the villains have had a traumatic event and while Bruce Wayne/Batman decides that this injustice must never perpetrated on another, the villains in a similar moment decide that this injustice is an excuse for payback, a license to hurt others as they've been hurt. They compared Batman to his famous villains and showed that if weren't for a small choice he'd be like any one of them.
I'm not saying I'm a hero or a villain. But I do always feel like there's these two opposing people inside of me. There's the one that likes herself the way she is, her body, her interests, her looks, her brain, her talents. This one has good self-esteem and knows what she deserves, can stand up for herself. And there's the girl that hates herself who is never good enough no matter what she does, no matter what she says, how hard she tries. She's never skinny enough, tone enough, fast enough, strong enough. She doesn't look good in her clothes, she's not talented, or funny, or interesting and people aren't interested in her. This one takes what people give her and accepts the crumbs if that's all it is. There's the girl who values honesty, and fairness and wants to treat every one with respect next to the girl who's so good at lying, and hiding what she does or feels. One one hand I'm the shy, quiet girl who doesn't know what to do with attention from people even if she got it, and on the other I'm a girl who wears leopard print dance shoes and short skirts.
I wonder if I put my standards for other people too high. If I expect them to be all of one or the other. I keep coming back to B being a bad person, a bad christian, a bad friend. But undeniably she is fun to be around, fun to go out with. But being fun doesn't mean being good. But not being 100% good doesn't make them bad either. I guess when it comes right down to it I judge it by two things - things that I try to live by also - and that's choice and hypocrisy. With one exception as a child, I can't remember ever choosing to hurt another person. It has been the unfortunate outcome of some decisions, but I can't remember it ever being my intent. And I feel that what ever B says, when she knows that being unfaithful will her hurt her boyfriend, then being unfaithful is a choice to hurt him. I also dislike hypocrisy. I don't eat meat because to me it is hypocritcal to treat a cat humanely and eat the cow that was treated inhumanely. We live by laws that say you must treat your companion animal in such a way, but none that say we have to treat cows, chickens, lambs etc that way. Its the reason I'm becoming vegan too - in the end I saw being only a strict vegetarian as being hypocritical as well - I won't eat the cow, but I'll eat the cheese that was made from a cows milk. And, no, I don't trust government regulations on "free range" and "organic" so I won't be buying those either. What I hate most of all is a religious hypocrit. I know it's from the way I was raised and the strict christian upbringing I had (and then rejected - I choose to be a good person because I respect my fellow man, not because christ is going let me into heaven if I behave). But to those who profess to being religious, to being christian, and following a certain set of guidelines, I hold them to those standards. B to me does not live a christian life. Not by the standards she herself spouts. I'm sure she thinks it's fine, because afterall jesus forgives, confession clears the soul and conscience freeing it up for more sin later. I think people like to forget that little catch about being sorry for what you've done. And how sorry can you be if you keep doing it?
I am considering calling her once she's moved back home - just once - not to get everything off my chest - although that would feel so good - but I'm sure it would hurt her to know what a lousy friend I think she is - and I don't like to hurt people intentionally. I just want to leave her a voicemail. I want to say: have a happy life at home, get some counseling before you get married, figure out why you are pulling this bullshit on someone you're supposed to love or be in love with, and then when you're really and truely ready get married if you still want to. And then I want to say: but don't every tell me again when you cheat, I'm washing my hands of it, I'm not your confessor to lay your problems at my feet to carry so you can go on and feel better releaved of your burden, I'm done. The funny thing is I wouldn't be doing it for her. I really want it for her fiance. Sure he knows what he's getting into, but for him, I want B to be a better person. Someone worthy of all of his forgiveness.
Of course the villainous side of me doesn't want to do that at all. The villainous side of me is so scared that if B were single she'd come back here. She'd start dating J. or that they would meet up for clandestine romantic vacations. My villainous side has a fantasy whereby I become J's girlfriend (the how is not worked out in the fantasy, but I think it has something to do with his brother telling him he'd be an idiot if he didn't take me out on at least one date) and when April rolls around for B's wedding. I say, hey, lets go together. Lets show up and show her that I won because the villainous side of me wants payback, wants to hurt her the way she hurt me, take something that she liked and make it mine.
But it's just a fantasy. I really do plan to keep my villain securely locked inside.
I saw a couple of interesting things on tv in that time. First was the advertisement for the upcoming third season of Heroes. This "volume" is called "villains" and the add shows not only the known villains we've met in seasons one and two, new ones, and a few of our favorite heroes as possible villains. Because in every hero there could be a villain.
Then I caught on the history channel a show about Batman and the "reality" of his gizmos and gadgets, his suit, but also his personality and those of his enemies. Someone made an interesting point. That both Batman and the villains have had a traumatic event and while Bruce Wayne/Batman decides that this injustice must never perpetrated on another, the villains in a similar moment decide that this injustice is an excuse for payback, a license to hurt others as they've been hurt. They compared Batman to his famous villains and showed that if weren't for a small choice he'd be like any one of them.
I'm not saying I'm a hero or a villain. But I do always feel like there's these two opposing people inside of me. There's the one that likes herself the way she is, her body, her interests, her looks, her brain, her talents. This one has good self-esteem and knows what she deserves, can stand up for herself. And there's the girl that hates herself who is never good enough no matter what she does, no matter what she says, how hard she tries. She's never skinny enough, tone enough, fast enough, strong enough. She doesn't look good in her clothes, she's not talented, or funny, or interesting and people aren't interested in her. This one takes what people give her and accepts the crumbs if that's all it is. There's the girl who values honesty, and fairness and wants to treat every one with respect next to the girl who's so good at lying, and hiding what she does or feels. One one hand I'm the shy, quiet girl who doesn't know what to do with attention from people even if she got it, and on the other I'm a girl who wears leopard print dance shoes and short skirts.
I wonder if I put my standards for other people too high. If I expect them to be all of one or the other. I keep coming back to B being a bad person, a bad christian, a bad friend. But undeniably she is fun to be around, fun to go out with. But being fun doesn't mean being good. But not being 100% good doesn't make them bad either. I guess when it comes right down to it I judge it by two things - things that I try to live by also - and that's choice and hypocrisy. With one exception as a child, I can't remember ever choosing to hurt another person. It has been the unfortunate outcome of some decisions, but I can't remember it ever being my intent. And I feel that what ever B says, when she knows that being unfaithful will her hurt her boyfriend, then being unfaithful is a choice to hurt him. I also dislike hypocrisy. I don't eat meat because to me it is hypocritcal to treat a cat humanely and eat the cow that was treated inhumanely. We live by laws that say you must treat your companion animal in such a way, but none that say we have to treat cows, chickens, lambs etc that way. Its the reason I'm becoming vegan too - in the end I saw being only a strict vegetarian as being hypocritical as well - I won't eat the cow, but I'll eat the cheese that was made from a cows milk. And, no, I don't trust government regulations on "free range" and "organic" so I won't be buying those either. What I hate most of all is a religious hypocrit. I know it's from the way I was raised and the strict christian upbringing I had (and then rejected - I choose to be a good person because I respect my fellow man, not because christ is going let me into heaven if I behave). But to those who profess to being religious, to being christian, and following a certain set of guidelines, I hold them to those standards. B to me does not live a christian life. Not by the standards she herself spouts. I'm sure she thinks it's fine, because afterall jesus forgives, confession clears the soul and conscience freeing it up for more sin later. I think people like to forget that little catch about being sorry for what you've done. And how sorry can you be if you keep doing it?
I am considering calling her once she's moved back home - just once - not to get everything off my chest - although that would feel so good - but I'm sure it would hurt her to know what a lousy friend I think she is - and I don't like to hurt people intentionally. I just want to leave her a voicemail. I want to say: have a happy life at home, get some counseling before you get married, figure out why you are pulling this bullshit on someone you're supposed to love or be in love with, and then when you're really and truely ready get married if you still want to. And then I want to say: but don't every tell me again when you cheat, I'm washing my hands of it, I'm not your confessor to lay your problems at my feet to carry so you can go on and feel better releaved of your burden, I'm done. The funny thing is I wouldn't be doing it for her. I really want it for her fiance. Sure he knows what he's getting into, but for him, I want B to be a better person. Someone worthy of all of his forgiveness.
Of course the villainous side of me doesn't want to do that at all. The villainous side of me is so scared that if B were single she'd come back here. She'd start dating J. or that they would meet up for clandestine romantic vacations. My villainous side has a fantasy whereby I become J's girlfriend (the how is not worked out in the fantasy, but I think it has something to do with his brother telling him he'd be an idiot if he didn't take me out on at least one date) and when April rolls around for B's wedding. I say, hey, lets go together. Lets show up and show her that I won because the villainous side of me wants payback, wants to hurt her the way she hurt me, take something that she liked and make it mine.
But it's just a fantasy. I really do plan to keep my villain securely locked inside.
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