Well, I did it. I convinced B to come out to J's club with her boyfriend. I was super excited. I was looking forward to seeing J and seeing what happened when he met B's boyfriend. I wore the best outfit. Short flirty skirt and a shiny tank top. I looked so good!
I was the first to get there before SOG, before B and anyone else that was showing up. I get there and there are three cop cars parked out front, a bunch of people standing outside on the street, and a huge man in black with a walkie-talkie standing at the front door. They weren't letting anyone in, but some customers were walking out who said that the police were coming and going, but that they were letting everyone in there finish their dinner. We stood outside for a while, but every time we asked we were given a later time for when we'd be allowed in. Finally when everyone showed up we went somewhere else. I tried texting J to find out if he was inside and if he had any info - but he was not/did not.
It ended up being a rather lame night. I was also way over dressed for the place we went to next. And my food wasn't even that good for all the bragging that SOG and some other person in our group did about the place. They played some good music even though we only had one guy (SOG) to five ladies.
I am disapointed that I didn't get to see J interact with B and her boyfriend. But I did manage to ask her how she knew J. Because she had never been to J's club before. I thought that was how she knew him. But no - apparently she danced with him once at a different club, thought he was hot, and then another time when she was talking to him and someone else she made the mistake of saying something about how cute he was or how much she thought of him. But you think she would have backtracked herself and mentioned - "oh but I have a boyfriend."
Oh well whatever. I keep trying to tell myself not to worry about it. J is a player and he's gonna go after other girls. I also have to remind myself that last saturday was an odd occurance and to stop getting my hopes up that he's gonna call again. He was probably hoping to get with B and settled for me instead. As much as I don't really don't have time for a boyfriend right now, I really wish I could meet someone who could take my mind off of J. It's been a year now - why can't get over this jackass?
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Forgiving
My dance teacher is getting in the habit of making me cry.
Yesterday it was posture. He tells me I'm not the slump shouldered, rounded back, "don't look at me" postured girl. I thought I was getting better, but I tend to carry all of my stress in my shoulders so I tighten them up alot.
He tells me the next step for skin is to start forgiving. Me, the people in my past what ever is making me try to hide. Unfortunately he used the "g" word as in if you need to ask for help in the forgiving process. I should have just said that I'm agnostic and thus God and I aren't really on speaking terms. He also said that if I wanted to talk or anything, get a drink whatever that he'd be there.
But that would involve admitting all the horrible catty-ness that I fall prey to. And I'm not ready to show that side of me yet. I care too much what he thinks of me.
Yesterday it was posture. He tells me I'm not the slump shouldered, rounded back, "don't look at me" postured girl. I thought I was getting better, but I tend to carry all of my stress in my shoulders so I tighten them up alot.
He tells me the next step for skin is to start forgiving. Me, the people in my past what ever is making me try to hide. Unfortunately he used the "g" word as in if you need to ask for help in the forgiving process. I should have just said that I'm agnostic and thus God and I aren't really on speaking terms. He also said that if I wanted to talk or anything, get a drink whatever that he'd be there.
But that would involve admitting all the horrible catty-ness that I fall prey to. And I'm not ready to show that side of me yet. I care too much what he thinks of me.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Extra time is Bonding time
Managed to meet up with SOG last night. B was there too. I headed over after work and they wanted to eat when I got there. So we pile into SOG's car head to a fast food place and take it back to SOG's house.
The weirdest thing, is when I walk in, I am greeted to the sight of a shirtless dance instructor from my studio. The same one I've saw BMG having a lesson with a couple of weeks ago.
It was probably 7 by the time we actually started dancing. Turns out, the reason I need extra time - I'm not dancing the same dance as the other girls. It's kind of like initiation. The first performance for a new girl is always this one. So we practiced and I only half sucked. There is one particular move that I have never been comfortable with. It's a front dip where the guy rotates the girl's upper body in an arc. You've got to rdie the guy's knee in order to get the right bend in your back. I can not loosen up enough to do it. I had better get over that though I guess.
We also tried on dresses. Apparently SOG doesn't have enough for all the girls (he thought he did, but he's one short). I was not allowed to even think about trying on the one that BMG wears. B says she's very territorial about it. I'm not suprised, it's short and has a huge diamond cut out from sternum to below the navel, revealing BMG's favorite body party. I wouldn't want it anyway it's a weird lemony green color. Instead I got to try on the dress originally reserved for B. It is now mine. She's so much tinier than I am that it fits a little better on me. You'd think that was a mean thing to do, but now she gets a brand new dress. She gets to go for a fitting and everything. Mine is pink,low in the front and bare in the back (which is my favorite body part to expose) and shorter in the front than the back with a weird side slit, ruffles, and thirty thousand rhinestones (not really, I just made that number up).
The weirdest thing, is when I walk in, I am greeted to the sight of a shirtless dance instructor from my studio. The same one I've saw BMG having a lesson with a couple of weeks ago.
It was probably 7 by the time we actually started dancing. Turns out, the reason I need extra time - I'm not dancing the same dance as the other girls. It's kind of like initiation. The first performance for a new girl is always this one. So we practiced and I only half sucked. There is one particular move that I have never been comfortable with. It's a front dip where the guy rotates the girl's upper body in an arc. You've got to rdie the guy's knee in order to get the right bend in your back. I can not loosen up enough to do it. I had better get over that though I guess.
We also tried on dresses. Apparently SOG doesn't have enough for all the girls (he thought he did, but he's one short). I was not allowed to even think about trying on the one that BMG wears. B says she's very territorial about it. I'm not suprised, it's short and has a huge diamond cut out from sternum to below the navel, revealing BMG's favorite body party. I wouldn't want it anyway it's a weird lemony green color. Instead I got to try on the dress originally reserved for B. It is now mine. She's so much tinier than I am that it fits a little better on me. You'd think that was a mean thing to do, but now she gets a brand new dress. She gets to go for a fitting and everything. Mine is pink,low in the front and bare in the back (which is my favorite body part to expose) and shorter in the front than the back with a weird side slit, ruffles, and thirty thousand rhinestones (not really, I just made that number up).
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
There's the Rub
This is the problem, and why I so often tried to go cold turkey from J.
Withdrawl.
It was bad before when I was just horny or wanting to make out with somebody. Now that I've been with him again it's gotten worse. I keep thinking about this coming Friday. Either it will go well, or I'll be sad and disapointed. I'm sure it will be sad and dissapointed. That is the general track record with J. It'll be another three months before he wants to "keep me company" again.
Withdrawl.
It was bad before when I was just horny or wanting to make out with somebody. Now that I've been with him again it's gotten worse. I keep thinking about this coming Friday. Either it will go well, or I'll be sad and disapointed. I'm sure it will be sad and dissapointed. That is the general track record with J. It'll be another three months before he wants to "keep me company" again.
Monday, September 24, 2007
I'm so bad I need extra tutoring
My favorite social dancing night was yesterday. The place was packed and hot! ButI had a great time. I barely sat out at all and a couple of guys asked me to dance multiple times. Unfortunately I think one might have a crush on me, and the other danced like he was trying to get into my pants.
I thought B was going to come out because she missed saturday to be with her boyfriend. The other girls and SOG were there. SOG danced with me twice and everytime I'd walk by him and he wasn't dancing he'd poke me. I don't know if he was being friendly or reminding me to stand up straight. I missed B because she's the only one of the girls who's actually friendly toward me. It doesn't help that they've all known each other longer and that I am still trying to work on my animosity toward BMG who seems to be the queen bee.
As I was leaving SOG tells me that we need to meet during the week before the 2 hours I've arranged with him on Friday morning. I'm thinking - crap. I knew I didn't dance really well with him, but I must have sucked if he thinks I need extra, extra work. I keep wondering when he'd gonna figure out that I'm not cut out for his team and give me the pink slip.
I thought B was going to come out because she missed saturday to be with her boyfriend. The other girls and SOG were there. SOG danced with me twice and everytime I'd walk by him and he wasn't dancing he'd poke me. I don't know if he was being friendly or reminding me to stand up straight. I missed B because she's the only one of the girls who's actually friendly toward me. It doesn't help that they've all known each other longer and that I am still trying to work on my animosity toward BMG who seems to be the queen bee.
As I was leaving SOG tells me that we need to meet during the week before the 2 hours I've arranged with him on Friday morning. I'm thinking - crap. I knew I didn't dance really well with him, but I must have sucked if he thinks I need extra, extra work. I keep wondering when he'd gonna figure out that I'm not cut out for his team and give me the pink slip.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Will Power, Psychic Powers, and the Power of Morning Breath
I am weak willed, I know this. Unfortunately I do nothing to change it.
I went out last night. It's a new place - or an old place that they are trying to make new really. But the turn out was good. I got there 10ish and the place was empty an hour later it was jam packed. I left about 1am. I had invited B, she lives near me and I thought we could go together. But she needed to spend time with the boyfriend and at first considered bringing him with, but in the end they went elsewhere.
Secretly I hope she does bring the BF out with her, the "team" is supposed to go to J's club this Friday. I'm wondering if I can subtely suggest that she bring the BF with her. It's a good atmosphere for dancers and non-dancers alike.
On the way home I was in full fantasy mode thinking of what that Friday would be like. I ended up with the fantasy of a conversation with J (I also imagined that I'd have to be kind of tipsy - and he would have to had thawed his heart enough to give a shit about my feelings). It was pretty simple where he asks if I hate him now and I go off on the reasons that I hate what went down between us. I had quite a list at 1:15am last night.
At 1:16 my phone goes off with a text message from J asking if I went dancing. IT was pretty freaky considering I had just been having an imaginary conversation with him. Through a series of texts he asks if I'm at home alone and if I want company. So yeah, I gave in and around 2am he came over.
The high point was he stayed over and left around 8am. The low point, when he fell asleep around 3am in the middle of me going down on him. That has never happened to me before. The X was always very complimentary about my abilities in that area. But I let it go and lay down next to him and fell asleep too. It was a nice little breather of about 20 minutes before he started up again and neither one of us mentioned that he fell asleep.
I didn't think he was going to stay. When he got up to use the bathroom I thought for sure the "thank you" was coming and that he'd get dressed and go. But instead he got in under the covers put his arm around me and we fell asleep. He must dream in Spanish or plan his lessons (yep, he does have a teaching job) in his sleep. Because at one point when I shifted I must have woke him up just long enough for him to say "Cuantos anos tienes?" I know what it means, and I can't think he's asking me. So when I said what? He just said, "anos, anos" (sorry, can't make a tilde for the N) and went right back to sleep.
In the morning he got up I asked him what he was up to for the day, I had to work, he said he had to grade 130 spanish papers. When he left he said that he would kiss me but he had serious morning breath. I said I did too, but I didn't force the issue. It rang more towards the "I would kiss you, but I don't want you to make more of this than it is" type excuse.
What's really bad is that most of the time - even as I lay next to him when he fell asleep half way through - I kept thinking "I win! I win!" but in the back of my mind I wondered if he wasn't wishing I was B.
I am interested to see what will happen on Friday when I go with the Team to his club.
I went out last night. It's a new place - or an old place that they are trying to make new really. But the turn out was good. I got there 10ish and the place was empty an hour later it was jam packed. I left about 1am. I had invited B, she lives near me and I thought we could go together. But she needed to spend time with the boyfriend and at first considered bringing him with, but in the end they went elsewhere.
Secretly I hope she does bring the BF out with her, the "team" is supposed to go to J's club this Friday. I'm wondering if I can subtely suggest that she bring the BF with her. It's a good atmosphere for dancers and non-dancers alike.
On the way home I was in full fantasy mode thinking of what that Friday would be like. I ended up with the fantasy of a conversation with J (I also imagined that I'd have to be kind of tipsy - and he would have to had thawed his heart enough to give a shit about my feelings). It was pretty simple where he asks if I hate him now and I go off on the reasons that I hate what went down between us. I had quite a list at 1:15am last night.
At 1:16 my phone goes off with a text message from J asking if I went dancing. IT was pretty freaky considering I had just been having an imaginary conversation with him. Through a series of texts he asks if I'm at home alone and if I want company. So yeah, I gave in and around 2am he came over.
The high point was he stayed over and left around 8am. The low point, when he fell asleep around 3am in the middle of me going down on him. That has never happened to me before. The X was always very complimentary about my abilities in that area. But I let it go and lay down next to him and fell asleep too. It was a nice little breather of about 20 minutes before he started up again and neither one of us mentioned that he fell asleep.
I didn't think he was going to stay. When he got up to use the bathroom I thought for sure the "thank you" was coming and that he'd get dressed and go. But instead he got in under the covers put his arm around me and we fell asleep. He must dream in Spanish or plan his lessons (yep, he does have a teaching job) in his sleep. Because at one point when I shifted I must have woke him up just long enough for him to say "Cuantos anos tienes?" I know what it means, and I can't think he's asking me. So when I said what? He just said, "anos, anos" (sorry, can't make a tilde for the N) and went right back to sleep.
In the morning he got up I asked him what he was up to for the day, I had to work, he said he had to grade 130 spanish papers. When he left he said that he would kiss me but he had serious morning breath. I said I did too, but I didn't force the issue. It rang more towards the "I would kiss you, but I don't want you to make more of this than it is" type excuse.
What's really bad is that most of the time - even as I lay next to him when he fell asleep half way through - I kept thinking "I win! I win!" but in the back of my mind I wondered if he wasn't wishing I was B.
I am interested to see what will happen on Friday when I go with the Team to his club.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Why not me?
B has the hots for J. She said as much on Thursday nights. Now she has a boyfriend that she moved across the country to be with, so I don't think she's going to go after him. But on thursday she talked about feeling bad about how a couple of weeks ago he called her 3 times and finally she texted him where she'd be on Sunday but then left early before he got there. That was the Sunday I saw him and that he didn't stay long.
I'm seriously pissed off. I know that B doesn't know my history with J, or that I am seriously trying to get my head on straight about him. The last think I need to hear is that he's calling her left and right. Why is he going after the girl with a boyfriend, but he couldn't keep in touch with the girl he slept with for months. Even before I came out and told him I liked him he didn't contact me except for sex.
What is it about B that he treats her like a friend, and I got used and thrown away?
I'm seriously pissed off. I know that B doesn't know my history with J, or that I am seriously trying to get my head on straight about him. The last think I need to hear is that he's calling her left and right. Why is he going after the girl with a boyfriend, but he couldn't keep in touch with the girl he slept with for months. Even before I came out and told him I liked him he didn't contact me except for sex.
What is it about B that he treats her like a friend, and I got used and thrown away?
Thursday, September 20, 2007
I could have been working with him
Turns out that J is now teaching and teacher training at a local Arthur-Murray dance studio. One of his former students (the one who busted out with "J and I still dance sometimes" back last October) goes there. She showed up on a testing day and there he was.
The funny thing is I remember reading the announcement looking for A-M teachers in early August. It was right when I got the news that managment here isn't satisfied with my performance. I thought that maybe I would give it a shot. A-M teaches people to be dance teachers. That way they groom you into being the dancer/teacher they want.
The reason I decided against it was that their training is the same time as classes at my dance studio. There was also the fact that my mother would totally disaprove, but if I decide to do it in the future (and I'm thinking seriously about it) I would just wouldn't tell her until I got a job somewhere. It would be a better deal than the Ballroom Dance Teacher College in San Fran. Although, that is still a possibility. A friend of mine is in grad school right now, just broke up with her boyfriend and moved out of their apartment. She would move to San Fran with me after she graduates.
The funny thing is I remember reading the announcement looking for A-M teachers in early August. It was right when I got the news that managment here isn't satisfied with my performance. I thought that maybe I would give it a shot. A-M teaches people to be dance teachers. That way they groom you into being the dancer/teacher they want.
The reason I decided against it was that their training is the same time as classes at my dance studio. There was also the fact that my mother would totally disaprove, but if I decide to do it in the future (and I'm thinking seriously about it) I would just wouldn't tell her until I got a job somewhere. It would be a better deal than the Ballroom Dance Teacher College in San Fran. Although, that is still a possibility. A friend of mine is in grad school right now, just broke up with her boyfriend and moved out of their apartment. She would move to San Fran with me after she graduates.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
There's the science
Yesterday my instructor told me stop using my medicated washes on my skin. To get topical vitamin E and aloe, to mix them together and put it on my skin after I wash my face. He did infact talk about the actual causes of acne this time and didn't discuss the universe and my terminal. He also talked about psychology. And that some of it might be psychosomatic. That I am some how attached to my acne for psychological reasons.
I was trying to figure out when my skin really started getting bad. It was fine last summer. I don't see anything in my holiday pictures either. So I'm thinking it had to be spring time - round about when I went off and back on the pill because I was confused about what I was doing with J, and then the whole BMG jealousy spike.
Now, It could have been going back on the pill. Even though it was a pill that is meant to help my skin. I even switched brands and it made barely a marginal difference. I am hoping this holistic approach my instructor is trying will work (I just looked up holistic to make sure I was using it right - and it turns out that I am the connection between mind, body, spirit. And there is even a mention of kinesiology here.) and I won't have to go off the pill I'm on. I like the lack of period I get with it.
So the vitamin E and Aloe is supposed to "nurish" my skin. The mind part is the psychological attachment part. I made myself write down all of the ways I might be psychologically attached to this in the hopes that if I recognize the reasons it will be easier to let go of them. To see that I don't really want to hang on to those reasons. I don't really want to be held back.
The spirit part - well I consider myself an agnostic. I have no faith for religion or atheism. But I believe in something - it some kind of cosmic butterfly effect. In that what I do affects the universe, other people, and myself. I generally use Karma as a catch all for this idea, even though I don't know that I truely believe in re-incarnation, so the term isn't accurate in the way that I use it.
I'm not saying that the universe is getting back at me for harboring hatred toward BMG. But maybe my poisonous thoughts and feelings are having negative consequences for me.
I was trying to figure out when my skin really started getting bad. It was fine last summer. I don't see anything in my holiday pictures either. So I'm thinking it had to be spring time - round about when I went off and back on the pill because I was confused about what I was doing with J, and then the whole BMG jealousy spike.
Now, It could have been going back on the pill. Even though it was a pill that is meant to help my skin. I even switched brands and it made barely a marginal difference. I am hoping this holistic approach my instructor is trying will work (I just looked up holistic to make sure I was using it right - and it turns out that I am the connection between mind, body, spirit. And there is even a mention of kinesiology here.) and I won't have to go off the pill I'm on. I like the lack of period I get with it.
So the vitamin E and Aloe is supposed to "nurish" my skin. The mind part is the psychological attachment part. I made myself write down all of the ways I might be psychologically attached to this in the hopes that if I recognize the reasons it will be easier to let go of them. To see that I don't really want to hang on to those reasons. I don't really want to be held back.
The spirit part - well I consider myself an agnostic. I have no faith for religion or atheism. But I believe in something - it some kind of cosmic butterfly effect. In that what I do affects the universe, other people, and myself. I generally use Karma as a catch all for this idea, even though I don't know that I truely believe in re-incarnation, so the term isn't accurate in the way that I use it.
I'm not saying that the universe is getting back at me for harboring hatred toward BMG. But maybe my poisonous thoughts and feelings are having negative consequences for me.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Why do I feel Undeserving?
I went to dance class last night. All went well, I had fun. I let my dance teacher know about the performance group I joined. Although I have not been able to get ahold of SOG to book a time to start learning this stuff. I hope my work schedule doesn't allow me to fall through the cracks.
My instructor was pretty proud of me. He says that he knows that there was a time I would have said no to an opportunity like that. The thing is that I want to be the type of person who thrives on peforming, on being seen by other people, but a part of me is also terrified of that. I'm working on getting rid of the terror and sticking with the positive.
Then he asks me about my skin. I've been using the Proactive for nearly 3 months now and my skin is only marginally better. I still break out nearly every day. They just seem to be smaller and come and go faster than they did before. It is highly frurstrating. I think that alot has to do with the pill. It has gotten a little bit better since I switched perscriptions. He tells me he can help.
I don't really get it to be honest. And I don't know how to explain it so that it doesn't sound completely crazy. He says he works with Kinesology. I thought that was sports medicine. But the way he describes it, it goes to what I would call a spiritual level. He talked about the universe being like the internet, and people are the terminals. But you don't have access to another terminal with out that person's permission. So he basically was asking me permission to "access my terminal." I know how it sounds - If it had been anyone else I would have thought he was propositioning me. But he just wants to help me - he wants me to acheive my goals. He doesn't want me continuing to feel self conscious about my skin.
It was so amazingly nice. On the process itself I remain slightly skeptical. But he told me to keep visualizing how I'll look and feel with clear skin and I can do that. I ended up crying. First because it does make me self consious and also because I can't get over that he wants to help me like this. I don't really get it - even though he says he does it because he can. My dance instructor isn't the only one, my old boss, SOG I don't know what they see in me that gives them confidence in me. I lack it so much of the time.
My instructor was pretty proud of me. He says that he knows that there was a time I would have said no to an opportunity like that. The thing is that I want to be the type of person who thrives on peforming, on being seen by other people, but a part of me is also terrified of that. I'm working on getting rid of the terror and sticking with the positive.
Then he asks me about my skin. I've been using the Proactive for nearly 3 months now and my skin is only marginally better. I still break out nearly every day. They just seem to be smaller and come and go faster than they did before. It is highly frurstrating. I think that alot has to do with the pill. It has gotten a little bit better since I switched perscriptions. He tells me he can help.
I don't really get it to be honest. And I don't know how to explain it so that it doesn't sound completely crazy. He says he works with Kinesology. I thought that was sports medicine. But the way he describes it, it goes to what I would call a spiritual level. He talked about the universe being like the internet, and people are the terminals. But you don't have access to another terminal with out that person's permission. So he basically was asking me permission to "access my terminal." I know how it sounds - If it had been anyone else I would have thought he was propositioning me. But he just wants to help me - he wants me to acheive my goals. He doesn't want me continuing to feel self conscious about my skin.
It was so amazingly nice. On the process itself I remain slightly skeptical. But he told me to keep visualizing how I'll look and feel with clear skin and I can do that. I ended up crying. First because it does make me self consious and also because I can't get over that he wants to help me like this. I don't really get it - even though he says he does it because he can. My dance instructor isn't the only one, my old boss, SOG I don't know what they see in me that gives them confidence in me. I lack it so much of the time.
Monday, September 17, 2007
If you can't beat 'em, Join 'em.
Well, it is official I am joining the performance troupe that SOG runs and BMG is on. At first it was hard. I showed up about 5 minutes early on Sunday and BMG was finishing a private lesson with an instructor from my dance studio. (No wonder I never saw her at the classes, because she can bring them to her.) He recognized me - but I kind of let them finish up talking and didn't really talk to her. SOG asked her to lead me in stretching and obviously she can do the splits and stuff that I can't. But never once did he insinuate that I wouldn't be able to do what she does. I watched the routine. I like parts of it, but others are a little weird. Maybe when there are 6 girls in a row doing it together it'll look better.
B showed up (the girl I like and have hung out with) I think she and I are on the same page with being frustrated with how good the other girls are. I'm amazed at the fact that even in a dance class BMG insinsts on the bare midrift. Literally she tied her t-shirt up in the back so that her tummy was out. I don't get it.
In the end though, I think this is a good oportunity to get over my irrational dislike of her. She was friendly. And having seen the end of her lesson, and hearing her express frustration about steps and not getting certain body movements. I realized that she's learning too. According to B she spends every waking minute doing this, so no wonder she's alot better faster - I thought I was just crazy in thinking she wasn't that great back in February. I was little uncomfortable when she asked me if I knew J. But then it was my fault for wearing my university t-shirt. I'm just waiting for somebody to let me know that they are going out. She was impressed that I learn other dances at my studio and wants to learn others too. She took my phone number. Again - I am trying to get over my irrational hatred, so I am trying to tell myself that it will be okay if she comes to the studio.
Being with the performance team I will get extra dance time, extra lessons with SOG at a reasonable price that pays for the dance space. I knew that my mom would be the hardest to convince that doing this was a good idea of if the price was too high, monthly dues for rehersal space, and a pair of performance quality dance shoes. The costumes are provided, private lessons are provided in exchange for performaning at smaller events. My mom thought it was wonderful. She was so excited.
The first performance is on the 6th. So I don't have a lot of time to get ready. I am both extremely excited and extreamely nervous at the same time.
B showed up (the girl I like and have hung out with) I think she and I are on the same page with being frustrated with how good the other girls are. I'm amazed at the fact that even in a dance class BMG insinsts on the bare midrift. Literally she tied her t-shirt up in the back so that her tummy was out. I don't get it.
In the end though, I think this is a good oportunity to get over my irrational dislike of her. She was friendly. And having seen the end of her lesson, and hearing her express frustration about steps and not getting certain body movements. I realized that she's learning too. According to B she spends every waking minute doing this, so no wonder she's alot better faster - I thought I was just crazy in thinking she wasn't that great back in February. I was little uncomfortable when she asked me if I knew J. But then it was my fault for wearing my university t-shirt. I'm just waiting for somebody to let me know that they are going out. She was impressed that I learn other dances at my studio and wants to learn others too. She took my phone number. Again - I am trying to get over my irrational hatred, so I am trying to tell myself that it will be okay if she comes to the studio.
Being with the performance team I will get extra dance time, extra lessons with SOG at a reasonable price that pays for the dance space. I knew that my mom would be the hardest to convince that doing this was a good idea of if the price was too high, monthly dues for rehersal space, and a pair of performance quality dance shoes. The costumes are provided, private lessons are provided in exchange for performaning at smaller events. My mom thought it was wonderful. She was so excited.
The first performance is on the 6th. So I don't have a lot of time to get ready. I am both extremely excited and extreamely nervous at the same time.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Okay, where's Allen Funt?
Seriously. First the note on the car and now this.
I get to the club last night and as I'm walking I get greeted to BMG. She's back to jazz pants and mid-drift baring tops instead of short skirts. I guess that means it's officially fall. I was hoping she had some other committments (school maybe) come up because she hasn't been there for two weeks.
No such luck.
The advanced lesson was still going on so I was just milling with people when Show Off Guy comes up and takes me by the hand. Now, he rarely dances with me. I always figured I wasn't good enough. Even though I've gotten better in the past couple months due to my private lessons with my jedi master (he really is). I had seen him going over a step with someone when I first came in, I figured maybe he just wanted to practice, though I was dumfounded as to why he would ask me. But that was not it. Instead he just took me aside, away from people, and asked me if I'd ever considered performing on a dance team because he's got one and would I like to look into it.
Who me?
He gave me his card and asked me to call him. That I could come by when the girls rehearse and see what it's all about.
It's weird, because I did dance with him on Sunday. I even wanted to ask him, since he does teach etc, if he could give me one or two things to work on. But I never worked up the courage, especially since he stopped dancing with me after more people arrived that night.
I'm a little afraid he'll expect me to take lessons with him, because I think the other girls do. But I am highly invested in my dance studio. I'm highly, highly invested in my jedi master (aka dance instructor). I just plunked down $75 per private lesson to the tune of more than $900 with the expectation that I'll plunk down another $900 in a month. For a total of 6 months of private lessons. Sounds like a lot, but that's with a discount from $90 per lesson to $75.
I shall this weekend, though. Because I am going to go check it out.
Oddly enough, B came up to me when she was leaving and said she was very excited that I was "joining the team." That she had asked him tonight about asking me.
Twelve hours later I'm still majorly suprised.
I get to the club last night and as I'm walking I get greeted to BMG. She's back to jazz pants and mid-drift baring tops instead of short skirts. I guess that means it's officially fall. I was hoping she had some other committments (school maybe) come up because she hasn't been there for two weeks.
No such luck.
The advanced lesson was still going on so I was just milling with people when Show Off Guy comes up and takes me by the hand. Now, he rarely dances with me. I always figured I wasn't good enough. Even though I've gotten better in the past couple months due to my private lessons with my jedi master (he really is). I had seen him going over a step with someone when I first came in, I figured maybe he just wanted to practice, though I was dumfounded as to why he would ask me. But that was not it. Instead he just took me aside, away from people, and asked me if I'd ever considered performing on a dance team because he's got one and would I like to look into it.
Who me?
He gave me his card and asked me to call him. That I could come by when the girls rehearse and see what it's all about.
It's weird, because I did dance with him on Sunday. I even wanted to ask him, since he does teach etc, if he could give me one or two things to work on. But I never worked up the courage, especially since he stopped dancing with me after more people arrived that night.
I'm a little afraid he'll expect me to take lessons with him, because I think the other girls do. But I am highly invested in my dance studio. I'm highly, highly invested in my jedi master (aka dance instructor). I just plunked down $75 per private lesson to the tune of more than $900 with the expectation that I'll plunk down another $900 in a month. For a total of 6 months of private lessons. Sounds like a lot, but that's with a discount from $90 per lesson to $75.
I shall this weekend, though. Because I am going to go check it out.
Oddly enough, B came up to me when she was leaving and said she was very excited that I was "joining the team." That she had asked him tonight about asking me.
Twelve hours later I'm still majorly suprised.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
The world and everyone in it is out to get me
The good:
On Monday I found out that my resume was passed on to the hiring manager for the job I really, really want.
Yesterday I emailed a woman over there that I had met with once before. Just to let her know that I had applied and to remind her of me. It worked and she is in fact on the interview committee.
The BAD:
On Tuesday when stopping for cleaning supplies I reached for some bleach only to have it spill all down a very pretty green hoodie that I own. I ended up getting a gift card from the store manager to replace it, but even so there is a huge white streak down the right side.
On the drive home I took a wrong turn and was pulled over by a police officer. I now have a $115 speeding ticket.
The just plain Weird:
I went out last night (like always) danced up a storm and when I get back to my car there is a note on it. I'm thinking "shit, just what I need, somebody hit my car. But at least they left a note." And I start looking for damage. There isn't any so I grab the note and it says "Saw you dancing and wanted to say hi. You've got a great ass, if you want to get to know me better call me XXX-XXX-XXXX, First & Last name."
Um, what? I'm picturing a bunch of cars peppered with similar notes, because how in the world does this guy (I didn't recognize his name) know who I am and which car is mine?
On Monday I found out that my resume was passed on to the hiring manager for the job I really, really want.
Yesterday I emailed a woman over there that I had met with once before. Just to let her know that I had applied and to remind her of me. It worked and she is in fact on the interview committee.
The BAD:
On Tuesday when stopping for cleaning supplies I reached for some bleach only to have it spill all down a very pretty green hoodie that I own. I ended up getting a gift card from the store manager to replace it, but even so there is a huge white streak down the right side.
On the drive home I took a wrong turn and was pulled over by a police officer. I now have a $115 speeding ticket.
The just plain Weird:
I went out last night (like always) danced up a storm and when I get back to my car there is a note on it. I'm thinking "shit, just what I need, somebody hit my car. But at least they left a note." And I start looking for damage. There isn't any so I grab the note and it says "Saw you dancing and wanted to say hi. You've got a great ass, if you want to get to know me better call me XXX-XXX-XXXX, First & Last name."
Um, what? I'm picturing a bunch of cars peppered with similar notes, because how in the world does this guy (I didn't recognize his name) know who I am and which car is mine?
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Now I'm Suspicious
I didn't want to admit before, but last week's text messages from J, about how nice I was, and XOXO struck me as being from a girl. Now, I know he lives with his phone. I saw him tonight, his phone was in his back pocket and he checked it in between every song.
But before then I was hanging out with Show Off Guy and one of his "girls" aka member of his dance team - B. She's nice, a little older than the other ones, and apparently very new to dancing. How in the world SOG decided to put her on the team I have no idea. But whatever. So, SOG is off dancing and B leans toward me asks me if I know J. I say yeah, and she says that he's probably coming. She dances one or two more, and then decides to leave. I dance one or two more, go to the bathroom and J is there at the bar when I get back. We danced two songs and he didn't stay very long.
But I'm now really interested to know a) why she would think that I know J and b) why it's worth mentioning that he'd be coming out.
But before then I was hanging out with Show Off Guy and one of his "girls" aka member of his dance team - B. She's nice, a little older than the other ones, and apparently very new to dancing. How in the world SOG decided to put her on the team I have no idea. But whatever. So, SOG is off dancing and B leans toward me asks me if I know J. I say yeah, and she says that he's probably coming. She dances one or two more, and then decides to leave. I dance one or two more, go to the bathroom and J is there at the bar when I get back. We danced two songs and he didn't stay very long.
But I'm now really interested to know a) why she would think that I know J and b) why it's worth mentioning that he'd be coming out.
Monday, September 03, 2007
Confusion
My new dance teacher crush has a girlfriend. On saturday I went to a dinner performance that ended with open dancing and he was there with her. Things looked a little icy between them. At one point he asked her to dance and she gave him the cold shoulder. She left pretty soon after that. I saw them again the next day. They looked a little happier to be together. I actually saw them dance and it seemed like they were having a good time. Then I saw them come in on Thursday separately and they didn't dance together, I don't even remember seeing them talk.
With the long weekend there was lots of dancing to be done. On Saturday I thought I was going to get to see J at his club. I was supposed to meet people for dinner there, but that ended up not happing, then we were going to finish the night there, but got turned around and ended up driving by a different club and dancing there instead. There were quite a few guys there that looked like him though, getting my hopes up.
I was with L, and a girl he knows who is on a dance team with BMG. Blech. But I was nice to this girl. Little did I know that I was going to meet the other girls on Sunday. I wasn't able to be as nice to them - just too young.
On Sunday I met people to see a live band, and then to the after party. At one point I thought I saw J while I was dancing with K. But it turned out not to be him. Eventually I did see him there, he walked in looking all chic with a blazer over a t-shirt and a white hat. I then went to dance with L. L is a huge flirt - so dancing with him ends up becoming a little sexy. I was just hoping that J was watching. When I danced with K again he leaned in and said how much he misses kissing me. I feel a little bad for him, because I am so not interested.
J didn't stay terribly long. The dance floor was so small it was very crowded. On the way home I texted J. Telling him he looked good in the jacket and hat and asking if he had had a good time. He eventually texted back that he did have a good night and asked if I did. I said yes even though the dance floor was small. J then texts me back "good, u know u r so nice. Love u." HUH? I think I said hi to him 3 weeks ago. So I said "LOL! That's sweet. I guess I just can't help it. :)" to which he texted "XOXO" I left it there. I didn't know what else to say other than to bring it down by asking if he was drunk and that's why he was being so nice to me. I'm just guessing that he's surprised that I don't hold a grudge for the stuff that happened between us. I mean, I wasn't nice to him before. I gave him a hard time for wanting to have sex with me after ignoring me for so long. I gave him a hard time about canceling on me at the fourth of july. But in the end - stupid me I know - I still like him. I still care about him - how he' doing, what he's up to.
I hate that he did this - even though it gives me a happy warm feeling - precicely because it gives me that happy warm feeling. My brain immediately launched into fantasy mode of him coming to his senses and actually asking me out.
With the long weekend there was lots of dancing to be done. On Saturday I thought I was going to get to see J at his club. I was supposed to meet people for dinner there, but that ended up not happing, then we were going to finish the night there, but got turned around and ended up driving by a different club and dancing there instead. There were quite a few guys there that looked like him though, getting my hopes up.
I was with L, and a girl he knows who is on a dance team with BMG. Blech. But I was nice to this girl. Little did I know that I was going to meet the other girls on Sunday. I wasn't able to be as nice to them - just too young.
On Sunday I met people to see a live band, and then to the after party. At one point I thought I saw J while I was dancing with K. But it turned out not to be him. Eventually I did see him there, he walked in looking all chic with a blazer over a t-shirt and a white hat. I then went to dance with L. L is a huge flirt - so dancing with him ends up becoming a little sexy. I was just hoping that J was watching. When I danced with K again he leaned in and said how much he misses kissing me. I feel a little bad for him, because I am so not interested.
J didn't stay terribly long. The dance floor was so small it was very crowded. On the way home I texted J. Telling him he looked good in the jacket and hat and asking if he had had a good time. He eventually texted back that he did have a good night and asked if I did. I said yes even though the dance floor was small. J then texts me back "good, u know u r so nice. Love u." HUH? I think I said hi to him 3 weeks ago. So I said "LOL! That's sweet. I guess I just can't help it. :)" to which he texted "XOXO" I left it there. I didn't know what else to say other than to bring it down by asking if he was drunk and that's why he was being so nice to me. I'm just guessing that he's surprised that I don't hold a grudge for the stuff that happened between us. I mean, I wasn't nice to him before. I gave him a hard time for wanting to have sex with me after ignoring me for so long. I gave him a hard time about canceling on me at the fourth of july. But in the end - stupid me I know - I still like him. I still care about him - how he' doing, what he's up to.
I hate that he did this - even though it gives me a happy warm feeling - precicely because it gives me that happy warm feeling. My brain immediately launched into fantasy mode of him coming to his senses and actually asking me out.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Lucky Day
I'm so proud that I put my moritorium on clothes buying. Because I just won a $100 shopping spree!
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
The Illustrated guide to my low self-esteem
The sources of my discontent:
1) I have a baby face. I have what I call "chipmunk cheeks" which lend me a more youthful appearance. My skin too is a huge influence. My acne has really hit the all time worst. It's hard to feel attractive when you think you still look like a kid.
2) I have no chest. I don't fill out an A-cup. I have gotten the Nearly A and even that has some room in the cup. And since I lost weight (30 lbs, I was still only a B) the seem to be a little saggy.
3) My butt and thighs. The but is wide, flat and droopy. My thighs = saddlebags.
4) I have a sneaky suspicion that my calves are fat, or too largely muscular. I don't have a picture of it. Calves are tricky though and hard to compare to others.
And in comparison: This is what I compare myself to every week:
Then there's this:
Compared to me.
And the infamous booty shorts:
1) I have a baby face. I have what I call "chipmunk cheeks" which lend me a more youthful appearance. My skin too is a huge influence. My acne has really hit the all time worst. It's hard to feel attractive when you think you still look like a kid.
2) I have no chest. I don't fill out an A-cup. I have gotten the Nearly A and even that has some room in the cup. And since I lost weight (30 lbs, I was still only a B) the seem to be a little saggy.
3) My butt and thighs. The but is wide, flat and droopy. My thighs = saddlebags.
4) I have a sneaky suspicion that my calves are fat, or too largely muscular. I don't have a picture of it. Calves are tricky though and hard to compare to others.
And in comparison: This is what I compare myself to every week:
Then there's this:
Compared to me.
And the infamous booty shorts:
I mean really - she's hit the genetic jackpot on her lower body. The only thing I can really pick out on her is the noticable "man abs." When she wears low rise it's even more obvious that she's got no waist and handles on her abs like men have. But other than those two things - I can't put a picture of her and the fact that she's tanner and has better skin. bleh.
This is what I compare myself to on a nearly daily basis. No wonder I hate these elements of my body.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Weekend Ups and Downs
Saturday was another day of special workshops with famous instructors. On Wednesday when I went out they were handing out flyers so I thought that there was a chance that J would show up. He went to the one in October, and the one in March when he was with BMG.
So I looked pretty cute that day - pink shorts w/ a white yoga top, and my ballet sippers instead of the dance heels. There is a fine line between hot and skanky when wearing shorts w/ heels. I probably wouldn't have been too close to the skanky. Unlike some people I could mention, coughBMGcough, who did show up. In crop top, shorts, tada! dance heels and rockin' some seriously old (fuzzy) . No J though. Lots of pictures of me taken though.
I had a pretty good time though. Particularly because BMG was having a hard time with some of the ladies foot/arm work. Yeah, it was hard, I got the turns with the arms, but not all of the rest. At one point, I thought she was going to cry. It made me happy in a very mean spirited way. I couldn't tell if it was a frustration born of being too hard on herself, or of thinking she should be good enough to do it.
Afterwards, YICG invited me and a few others over to his place (his and his girlfriend's) for a bbq. Last time - June - I turned down the invite. I was still a little shy at that point. But this time I went and I had a really great time.
The next day was pretty good. At first I thought that BMG wasn't going to show, but sadly, I caught sight of her eventually. Still I was having a good time. Toward the end of the night J's dance partner that I like showed up and said hi. I made the mistake of telling her I had been the one night but hadn't gotten to say hi. She misunderstood me and thought I had been there this previous friday and said she wasn't there. She tells me there are two other girls that he also dances with, BMG being one of them, and someone else who's name I didn't recognize.
That's when my night went down hill. It pisses me off. I guess I thought that at some point J would actually want me to help him. I've had fantasies about it, I offered twice (once for class, and once for this gig). I get it that he wants really good dancers. I don't know about the one girl, but BMG is really good, and girl I like is a good dancer, though I think BMG looks better dancing. But judging by the video online, they don't make J look any better.
Then as I was leaving at the end of the night I see BMG talking to one of the instructors from my dance studio who had come for the dance. BMG was asking her how long she was in town for and taking her number into her phone. Argh. This is the third instructor from my studio that I've seen her chatting too. It's bad enough I have to see her at these things and on thursday nights, but if she starts going to my dance studio... I don't like her. I don't want her around. My instructor the other night was so impressed with this one lady who was taking a particular class for the first time that he immediately asked her to be in a performance in March. Granted he's already asked me, but I'm imagining that happening w/ BMG. Is it too much to ask that I have one bastion of dancing where I am BMG free?
It is so hard not to compare myself to her already. How am I going to cope when I start seeing her more than I already do? I'll either start pushing myself too hard in an attempt to catch up, or just giving up and getting fat again.
So I looked pretty cute that day - pink shorts w/ a white yoga top, and my ballet sippers instead of the dance heels. There is a fine line between hot and skanky when wearing shorts w/ heels. I probably wouldn't have been too close to the skanky. Unlike some people I could mention, coughBMGcough, who did show up. In crop top, shorts, tada! dance heels and rockin' some seriously old (fuzzy) . No J though. Lots of pictures of me taken though.
I had a pretty good time though. Particularly because BMG was having a hard time with some of the ladies foot/arm work. Yeah, it was hard, I got the turns with the arms, but not all of the rest. At one point, I thought she was going to cry. It made me happy in a very mean spirited way. I couldn't tell if it was a frustration born of being too hard on herself, or of thinking she should be good enough to do it.
Afterwards, YICG invited me and a few others over to his place (his and his girlfriend's) for a bbq. Last time - June - I turned down the invite. I was still a little shy at that point. But this time I went and I had a really great time.
The next day was pretty good. At first I thought that BMG wasn't going to show, but sadly, I caught sight of her eventually. Still I was having a good time. Toward the end of the night J's dance partner that I like showed up and said hi. I made the mistake of telling her I had been the one night but hadn't gotten to say hi. She misunderstood me and thought I had been there this previous friday and said she wasn't there. She tells me there are two other girls that he also dances with, BMG being one of them, and someone else who's name I didn't recognize.
That's when my night went down hill. It pisses me off. I guess I thought that at some point J would actually want me to help him. I've had fantasies about it, I offered twice (once for class, and once for this gig). I get it that he wants really good dancers. I don't know about the one girl, but BMG is really good, and girl I like is a good dancer, though I think BMG looks better dancing. But judging by the video online, they don't make J look any better.
Then as I was leaving at the end of the night I see BMG talking to one of the instructors from my dance studio who had come for the dance. BMG was asking her how long she was in town for and taking her number into her phone. Argh. This is the third instructor from my studio that I've seen her chatting too. It's bad enough I have to see her at these things and on thursday nights, but if she starts going to my dance studio... I don't like her. I don't want her around. My instructor the other night was so impressed with this one lady who was taking a particular class for the first time that he immediately asked her to be in a performance in March. Granted he's already asked me, but I'm imagining that happening w/ BMG. Is it too much to ask that I have one bastion of dancing where I am BMG free?
It is so hard not to compare myself to her already. How am I going to cope when I start seeing her more than I already do? I'll either start pushing myself too hard in an attempt to catch up, or just giving up and getting fat again.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Why does this bother me?
I wish I could extinguish the torch I carry for J. I really do. Months later little things still turn me on or make me mad.
Last night I finally went back to my wednesday night dance spot. I hadn't been in a few weeks because I was just too tired, or knew that the people I dance with wouldn't be there. But this time I went, most of my usual partners weren't there, but I still had a good time. Of course out of no where comes J. I finish a dance and someone taps me on the shoulder - turn around and there he is asking me to dance. So we do - it was a pretty good dance, but I was so turned on just being near him. After that who do I run into but the new dance teacher who I have the beginnings of a crush on. We danced a couple, it was okay. I'm beginning to think he's an alcoholic though. He was a little tipsy when we were dancing - but he was still good. I lose all ability to dance properly after I've had a second drink.
I left feeling pretty awesome, I danced with a few other people, then J again and another guy who always asks me to dance when I'm there. Today I went online to see if there were any pictures up - sometimes they're quick at this place, sometimes not. I see pictures for an event on Monday. I'm clicking through them and I see this girl - I'm not sure because of the angle (she's in the middle of a turn) but I think it's J's dance partner. I recognized the dress more than anything, I remember seeing her wear in back a few months ago and thinking how does she not fall out of that dress when dancing (she's got an amble bosom and shows it off)? I click a little more, sure enough there she is with a group of guys, three more photos later there is her and J arms around each other smiling.
I never got the impression that they were together before. There were little things - like the one time at his club I told him I'd be around if he wanted to come over as he was leaving, and this was right after she said good-bye with an "I love you" and he responded "love you too." I figured it was a friends thing and the fact that she was drunk. After he left she was sitting with his brother. And two months ago J was booty calling me. So color me confused. And angry. I guess if they are just friends it's safe for him to go out with her. Unlike me who couldn't get him to go out because he wasn't interested in anything other than the sex, but wouldn't say as much because then I might end it.
I kind of hope that he and K are there and that they play a sexy slow song - K always picks me out for those dances. I'd love to dance that with someone else in front of J.
On the work front - It turns out that the administration did, does in fact have someone to start in my position as soon as I vacate. That is conveniently two weeks and a few days after I was notified and about 3 weeks after they were interviewing for a different position. I don't understand why the managent of this place had to be so middle school cloak and dagger about this situation. Just fucking tell me that you want to put someone else in my job - unless that is illegal somehow. Hmm...that would be interesting.
On an upside the ideal job was posted this week for the university that I want to work at. Keeping my fingers crossed that I actually stand a chance and it's not an internal hire, because they are only posting the job for 2 weeks.
Last night I finally went back to my wednesday night dance spot. I hadn't been in a few weeks because I was just too tired, or knew that the people I dance with wouldn't be there. But this time I went, most of my usual partners weren't there, but I still had a good time. Of course out of no where comes J. I finish a dance and someone taps me on the shoulder - turn around and there he is asking me to dance. So we do - it was a pretty good dance, but I was so turned on just being near him. After that who do I run into but the new dance teacher who I have the beginnings of a crush on. We danced a couple, it was okay. I'm beginning to think he's an alcoholic though. He was a little tipsy when we were dancing - but he was still good. I lose all ability to dance properly after I've had a second drink.
I left feeling pretty awesome, I danced with a few other people, then J again and another guy who always asks me to dance when I'm there. Today I went online to see if there were any pictures up - sometimes they're quick at this place, sometimes not. I see pictures for an event on Monday. I'm clicking through them and I see this girl - I'm not sure because of the angle (she's in the middle of a turn) but I think it's J's dance partner. I recognized the dress more than anything, I remember seeing her wear in back a few months ago and thinking how does she not fall out of that dress when dancing (she's got an amble bosom and shows it off)? I click a little more, sure enough there she is with a group of guys, three more photos later there is her and J arms around each other smiling.
I never got the impression that they were together before. There were little things - like the one time at his club I told him I'd be around if he wanted to come over as he was leaving, and this was right after she said good-bye with an "I love you" and he responded "love you too." I figured it was a friends thing and the fact that she was drunk. After he left she was sitting with his brother. And two months ago J was booty calling me. So color me confused. And angry. I guess if they are just friends it's safe for him to go out with her. Unlike me who couldn't get him to go out because he wasn't interested in anything other than the sex, but wouldn't say as much because then I might end it.
I kind of hope that he and K are there and that they play a sexy slow song - K always picks me out for those dances. I'd love to dance that with someone else in front of J.
On the work front - It turns out that the administration did, does in fact have someone to start in my position as soon as I vacate. That is conveniently two weeks and a few days after I was notified and about 3 weeks after they were interviewing for a different position. I don't understand why the managent of this place had to be so middle school cloak and dagger about this situation. Just fucking tell me that you want to put someone else in my job - unless that is illegal somehow. Hmm...that would be interesting.
On an upside the ideal job was posted this week for the university that I want to work at. Keeping my fingers crossed that I actually stand a chance and it's not an internal hire, because they are only posting the job for 2 weeks.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
And the reality
I've been really good with caffeine. I've not had any in days. Sugar - not so much.
I'm having serious body issues again. I just spent $70 on an exercise machine and two DVDs that is supposed to help tone my lower body.
I bought my second skirt in the kids department - a very cute blue skirt - I like that the kids ones have attached shorts underneath. It's a large - girls size 10/12. Shouldn't that make me feel like I've got a small lower body? I'm sure I should have looked for a 14/16, but it was on clearance and it was 7/8 or 10/12. It's not painted on and there is no muffin top, so why am I concerned if I fit into a kid's size skirt?
I tried going on a juice fast for 4 days Monday through tomorrow. I went out and got all kinds of yummy fruit and vegetable juices (leave it to trader joe's to make a good green vegetable juice). But it didn't work. I don't know why I try. Maybe if I had just tried a single day. I ended up eating on monday trail mix, and vegetables (not bad) and some candy. I think I am addicted to Twizzler's cherry bites. I can only ever find them in big bags too - never in something small and manageble. Yesterday I had two danishes, almonds, cashews and a bagel. But after I got home I went for a run, did some leg lifts, some tricep dips, push-ups, squats, bicep curls and crunches.
That's when I bought the machine - online from a dance catalog. I should throw those things away when I get them. I also bought a deodorizer for my shoes/shoe bag, and that was a real necessity.
Today I'm planning on buying some more candy and some Firming Lotion. It's stupid how I still see jiggly cottage cheesy dimply fat on my thighs - even when I can wear a woman's size 2 or a freakin' kids' size.
I am just so disappointed with my eating habits. Yeah, I've done good on the fruits and vegetables these past three days, but I also remember last year how rigid I was with my eating habits. I'm not 100% sure how I did it. I'm not super sure that I really want to go back to being like that, but I don't know how else to get rid of the fat on my thighs. I think there is alot there.
The last blood drive we had my co-workers all thought I'd be underweight to give blood. Today somebody made a comment about me being "all of 98lbs soaking wet." I am no where near 98% I usually way about 115 in the morning. Somebody else said to me last weekend because I was eating a granola bar (at a dance) joking that "If that's your dinner, I'd think you were anorexic." It was midnight I'd been dancing for 2 hours straight. After saturday dance classes a bunch of us go out for lunch - usually and Indian buffet. They joke about how I'll go up for seconds and how at dances all they ever see me do is stand at the snack table and not actually dance. I know they just don't get how a tiny girl can actually eat (and to be fair last spring/summer I wasn't eating more than 800 calories a day, because I read somewhere that anything less would mess up your metabolism), but it gives me a complex. Because as I'm eating I'm thinking - should I go home and throw this up? or can I count on the 2 hours of dance class and the 3 hours of dancing at night to burn the calories? I'm thinking - how much butter was in this(bad fat) or was it olive oil (okay fat), knowing I shouldn't be eating so much, but doing it anyway. This last saturday I didn't have seconds. The next two saturdays I can't go. I know I shouldn't let a buffet a couple of times a month bother me, I know I shouldn't let other people's comments bother me either. I wish I could not let other people's comments bother me - since I can't make everyone happy. Some people will look at me and say too skinny, and others will just say she's small. Some will say her metabolism is high and she works out good for her for eating, and other's are going to tease.
I wish I could get to the point where I am comfortable and happy with me.
I'm having serious body issues again. I just spent $70 on an exercise machine and two DVDs that is supposed to help tone my lower body.
I bought my second skirt in the kids department - a very cute blue skirt - I like that the kids ones have attached shorts underneath. It's a large - girls size 10/12. Shouldn't that make me feel like I've got a small lower body? I'm sure I should have looked for a 14/16, but it was on clearance and it was 7/8 or 10/12. It's not painted on and there is no muffin top, so why am I concerned if I fit into a kid's size skirt?
I tried going on a juice fast for 4 days Monday through tomorrow. I went out and got all kinds of yummy fruit and vegetable juices (leave it to trader joe's to make a good green vegetable juice). But it didn't work. I don't know why I try. Maybe if I had just tried a single day. I ended up eating on monday trail mix, and vegetables (not bad) and some candy. I think I am addicted to Twizzler's cherry bites. I can only ever find them in big bags too - never in something small and manageble. Yesterday I had two danishes, almonds, cashews and a bagel. But after I got home I went for a run, did some leg lifts, some tricep dips, push-ups, squats, bicep curls and crunches.
That's when I bought the machine - online from a dance catalog. I should throw those things away when I get them. I also bought a deodorizer for my shoes/shoe bag, and that was a real necessity.
Today I'm planning on buying some more candy and some Firming Lotion. It's stupid how I still see jiggly cottage cheesy dimply fat on my thighs - even when I can wear a woman's size 2 or a freakin' kids' size.
I am just so disappointed with my eating habits. Yeah, I've done good on the fruits and vegetables these past three days, but I also remember last year how rigid I was with my eating habits. I'm not 100% sure how I did it. I'm not super sure that I really want to go back to being like that, but I don't know how else to get rid of the fat on my thighs. I think there is alot there.
The last blood drive we had my co-workers all thought I'd be underweight to give blood. Today somebody made a comment about me being "all of 98lbs soaking wet." I am no where near 98% I usually way about 115 in the morning. Somebody else said to me last weekend because I was eating a granola bar (at a dance) joking that "If that's your dinner, I'd think you were anorexic." It was midnight I'd been dancing for 2 hours straight. After saturday dance classes a bunch of us go out for lunch - usually and Indian buffet. They joke about how I'll go up for seconds and how at dances all they ever see me do is stand at the snack table and not actually dance. I know they just don't get how a tiny girl can actually eat (and to be fair last spring/summer I wasn't eating more than 800 calories a day, because I read somewhere that anything less would mess up your metabolism), but it gives me a complex. Because as I'm eating I'm thinking - should I go home and throw this up? or can I count on the 2 hours of dance class and the 3 hours of dancing at night to burn the calories? I'm thinking - how much butter was in this(bad fat) or was it olive oil (okay fat), knowing I shouldn't be eating so much, but doing it anyway. This last saturday I didn't have seconds. The next two saturdays I can't go. I know I shouldn't let a buffet a couple of times a month bother me, I know I shouldn't let other people's comments bother me either. I wish I could not let other people's comments bother me - since I can't make everyone happy. Some people will look at me and say too skinny, and others will just say she's small. Some will say her metabolism is high and she works out good for her for eating, and other's are going to tease.
I wish I could get to the point where I am comfortable and happy with me.
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