It's not that big a deal.
This stuff happens. Nothing was written in stone. We'll meet up some time later in the week. And now my evening is free to work on my own projects.
Namely cleaning the horrendous pile of squalor I call my room.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
No Joy
I don't even get to find out now how he would have reacted. J just left me a message and canceled. Said he was really tired, practically falling asleep and that he'd call me maybe tomorrow or Thursday, that hopefully I'd be around Thursday, if not then maybe Friday or the weekend. *sigh* Either I'm getting blown off or I might actually get to see him on the weekend.
I'll believe it when it happens. For all I know he'll end up working and will be too tired. Again.
I'll believe it when it happens. For all I know he'll end up working and will be too tired. Again.
Well, well, well...it's a hole in the ground.
J, besides having been my dance instructor also refs for an intermural team I play on. For the past 6 or 7 weeks he has not been reffing my games since we use two fields to accomodate all the teams.
Last night was an important game, the first in our "playoffs." Okay, so every team made some form of the "playoffs" depending on how good or bad they did they'd make it into one of the tournament brackets. We just squeaked into the higher bracket. First of all half of our team couldn't make it. Our captain was injured and in order to get the field covered people were playing out of position. We put forth a fairly decent showing, but in the end we lost.
I am by no means an athlete. I'll give most things a go once...I've played almost every sport imaginable at one time or another, I've tried all sorts of different dance styles, and taken up (and then put down) a handful of instruments. As it is I have a ton of interests, but don't excell at any one thing in particular. I'm okay with that.
Except when it comes to choking in front of J. The game before last I was doing really well, considering my lack of skill. This game though, I might as well have stayed home (except then we would have forfeited). I'm not gonna say that J made me choke. But it didn't help that I got so nervous because I knew where he was at all times and that he was so freaking close to me the whole game.
On the plus side he said he'd call me when he gets off of work today. On the con side why is it that I have to run into him in order to get him to call me or talk to me? Not that he wasn't nice. He's always nice and chatty and asking me how I am. He also has this habit of always mentioning how tired he is every time I see him now. The guy is busy, I get that. He works a 9-5 day four times a week and two other jobs on his three day weekends. So maybe I'm being hard on him, but surely if he's interested he wouldn't be that tired all the time.
Little does he know that we're not going to hook-up this time. Not because I wouldn't be willing to, he is way to attractive for me to say no to. But I have strict rules about sex during that time of the month. I figure if I think it's fairly gross so must the majority of guys. If it were a matter of one of us leaving the country tomorrow, yeah I might unplug and go with it, but that is certainly not the case.
The million dollar questions: 1) do I let him know when he calls..."BTW, I'm on and you're not getting any, still want to see me?" (all be it a little more wordy than that)...but then it's like a test...does he like me enough to just hang out or maybe dance instead of f*cking.
or 2) wait until he picks me up to tell him...which cold be more or less akward than hearing it over the phone, but also reassuring that nothing came of our last encounters (I never trust 1 type of contraceptive alone). So maybe he'll appreciate being told in person. I hate to be the kind of girl who tests a guy...but I want to wrap my head around this. If this is going to be just a sexual relationship, then fine, I just want to know for sure. (Right, it's been a week and half and I'm wanting assurances from a guy who has no place to take me but his backseat!! Crazy crazy girl).
In the mean time L has come around again...maybe saying no didn't hurt his feelings as much as I thought it did. We are supposed to "grab a bite" tomorrow. This one is just friends material, but at least it's somebody to occupy my time with some activities that aren't innapropriate back of the car sex.
The X had a vacation from work and called to tell me how bored he was and if I wasn't doing anything maybe we could go bowling. I wasn't doing anything, but I didn't go bowling. He has also offered to help me buy a computer. He's an enormous geek so his input would be really helpful. I just feel so guilty about using him. I'd like to be just friends with him, but I know he's hoping for more (well he was before anyhow). And now that I've hooked up with J there is no way I can go back. X has a very low opinion of girls that "sleep around." I may be single and therefore under no obligation to keep my pants on for him, but I know him too well to think that if he found out he'd be remotely okay with it.
Last night was an important game, the first in our "playoffs." Okay, so every team made some form of the "playoffs" depending on how good or bad they did they'd make it into one of the tournament brackets. We just squeaked into the higher bracket. First of all half of our team couldn't make it. Our captain was injured and in order to get the field covered people were playing out of position. We put forth a fairly decent showing, but in the end we lost.
I am by no means an athlete. I'll give most things a go once...I've played almost every sport imaginable at one time or another, I've tried all sorts of different dance styles, and taken up (and then put down) a handful of instruments. As it is I have a ton of interests, but don't excell at any one thing in particular. I'm okay with that.
Except when it comes to choking in front of J. The game before last I was doing really well, considering my lack of skill. This game though, I might as well have stayed home (except then we would have forfeited). I'm not gonna say that J made me choke. But it didn't help that I got so nervous because I knew where he was at all times and that he was so freaking close to me the whole game.
On the plus side he said he'd call me when he gets off of work today. On the con side why is it that I have to run into him in order to get him to call me or talk to me? Not that he wasn't nice. He's always nice and chatty and asking me how I am. He also has this habit of always mentioning how tired he is every time I see him now. The guy is busy, I get that. He works a 9-5 day four times a week and two other jobs on his three day weekends. So maybe I'm being hard on him, but surely if he's interested he wouldn't be that tired all the time.
Little does he know that we're not going to hook-up this time. Not because I wouldn't be willing to, he is way to attractive for me to say no to. But I have strict rules about sex during that time of the month. I figure if I think it's fairly gross so must the majority of guys. If it were a matter of one of us leaving the country tomorrow, yeah I might unplug and go with it, but that is certainly not the case.
The million dollar questions: 1) do I let him know when he calls..."BTW, I'm on and you're not getting any, still want to see me?" (all be it a little more wordy than that)...but then it's like a test...does he like me enough to just hang out or maybe dance instead of f*cking.
or 2) wait until he picks me up to tell him...which cold be more or less akward than hearing it over the phone, but also reassuring that nothing came of our last encounters (I never trust 1 type of contraceptive alone). So maybe he'll appreciate being told in person. I hate to be the kind of girl who tests a guy...but I want to wrap my head around this. If this is going to be just a sexual relationship, then fine, I just want to know for sure. (Right, it's been a week and half and I'm wanting assurances from a guy who has no place to take me but his backseat!! Crazy crazy girl).
In the mean time L has come around again...maybe saying no didn't hurt his feelings as much as I thought it did. We are supposed to "grab a bite" tomorrow. This one is just friends material, but at least it's somebody to occupy my time with some activities that aren't innapropriate back of the car sex.
The X had a vacation from work and called to tell me how bored he was and if I wasn't doing anything maybe we could go bowling. I wasn't doing anything, but I didn't go bowling. He has also offered to help me buy a computer. He's an enormous geek so his input would be really helpful. I just feel so guilty about using him. I'd like to be just friends with him, but I know he's hoping for more (well he was before anyhow). And now that I've hooked up with J there is no way I can go back. X has a very low opinion of girls that "sleep around." I may be single and therefore under no obligation to keep my pants on for him, but I know him too well to think that if he found out he'd be remotely okay with it.
Monday, June 26, 2006
I thought better about it.
I just deleted a previous blog in which I detailed about some of my old lovers and my current situation with J. Frankly, I don't want to get flagged. The whole idea was that I wanted somebody to stumble on my blog and commiserate with me. Like the one person who commented to reasure me that I'm not a whore (thanks again by the way, but I'm beginning to think you're wrong). If I get flagged for talking details then I've defeated my own purpose.
A watered down version of what I had wanted to say...well, maybe not watered down, but more emotional and less physically oriented, and that might be better in the long run.
J has not taken me out. In fact I haven't heard from or seen him in a few days. It honestly didn't occur to me that he might turn out to be that guy. You know, that guy you sleep with and never calls you again. Well, I did sleep with him, and he did call me, he even called me when he said he would. So I slept with him again, and I got a less specific "I'll call you soon." But that was almost a week ago. I did see him breifly about 5 days ago and he did kiss me, but still no phone call.
I realize that I want more than just sex. I actually like him and I'm settling for the physical. In theory I don't have problems with the just physical relationship. It works for some people. The fact that I am insanely attracted to J doesn't help. It is like my body just takes over I can't even really explain it, I just have to think about him, or be near him, he doesn't even have to touch me before I am completely turned on by him. He's made comments along the lines of "next time" and "if we keep doing this" which lead me to believe he wants to keep doing it, so then why haven't I heard from him? My mind races to ideas about him having other girls or not being as attracted to me as I am to him and therefore he just doesn't want to see me as often as I want to see him.
I am afraid to ask for more than just sex and I am afraid to call him for fear of losing what little attention I do get from him. Stupid I know. Selling myself short I know. And yet I can't help it. I don't want this for myself, but I want him so badly.
A watered down version of what I had wanted to say...well, maybe not watered down, but more emotional and less physically oriented, and that might be better in the long run.
J has not taken me out. In fact I haven't heard from or seen him in a few days. It honestly didn't occur to me that he might turn out to be that guy. You know, that guy you sleep with and never calls you again. Well, I did sleep with him, and he did call me, he even called me when he said he would. So I slept with him again, and I got a less specific "I'll call you soon." But that was almost a week ago. I did see him breifly about 5 days ago and he did kiss me, but still no phone call.
I realize that I want more than just sex. I actually like him and I'm settling for the physical. In theory I don't have problems with the just physical relationship. It works for some people. The fact that I am insanely attracted to J doesn't help. It is like my body just takes over I can't even really explain it, I just have to think about him, or be near him, he doesn't even have to touch me before I am completely turned on by him. He's made comments along the lines of "next time" and "if we keep doing this" which lead me to believe he wants to keep doing it, so then why haven't I heard from him? My mind races to ideas about him having other girls or not being as attracted to me as I am to him and therefore he just doesn't want to see me as often as I want to see him.
I am afraid to ask for more than just sex and I am afraid to call him for fear of losing what little attention I do get from him. Stupid I know. Selling myself short I know. And yet I can't help it. I don't want this for myself, but I want him so badly.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Who is this person?
Last week was my date with L and my last dance lesson with J and my lunch with the X.
The X had made a big deal about wanting to ask me something that couldn't be done on the phone. I was expecting the worst. A proposal, or at least a desperate plea for me to commit to him. It was neither of those. He wants to take me out somewhere really fancy where we have to dress up and stuff. He even offered to take me out and buy me a dress. I told him I have plenty of nice dresses and no he couldn't buy me one, but yes I was willing to go out with him somewhere fancy. This was all before what happened in the rest of the blog (keep reading). But he hasn't emailed, called or updated me on when this fancy date might occur. Infact he's bordering on ignoring me. Which means maybe someone clued him in to the fact that I'll never be his girlfriend again.
The date was okay. I met him at coffee shop and then we went to the club. We didn't dance as much as I would have liked because L seemed more interested in talking so we ended up leaving and hanging out in an empty restaurant chatting. He didn't pay for me. We split everything, which holds with the whole "hanging out" and "not dating right now" thing. But on Friday he called and asked me out rock-climbing. He actually seemed disapointed when I said no. It's not that I don't want to see him, but he wanted to go to the rockwall at my gym, where J works. No way was I gonna have that happen. Even if he doesn't call me back, I'll be okay with that. Because.....
My last dance class was the evening after the "date" and I really wanted to give J my number. I was kind of nervous going to the class, but dancing quickly loosened me up. We flirted a little more than usual in class that night (normally the real flirting happened outside of class when I would stay to practice) I was sure that the others could tell. I stayed after class and while we were chattingl J said that when the classes started again I should bring my boyfriend with me. I assured him that there was no boyfriend and that's when I realized that I wasn't going to have to offer my number to him. While we were dancing he dipped me and when I came back up he planted a kiss on me. It was really great...just enough tongue and bit of lip nibbling. From there we danced more, but after another dip and kiss we ended up making out...serious heavy making out for like 20 minutes. If we hadn't have been in semi-public I think things could have gone alot farther than they did.
As it was I met up with him on Saturday morning. I thought we were going to dance, but instead we ended up in the back of his car. I had every intention of not doing it in his car. But the man makes me so horny. Just thinking about him turns me on. And one thing led to another so that we ended up doing it in his car. This is not something I have ever done before. Especially when the guy hasn't even gone out with me. Granted, we've known each other for a little over a month from dancing, but even so...dinner would be nice first. The crazy thing is that though I can see the crazy in my actions...sex in the back of a car in broad daylight...and though I am seriously wondering who this person is that I've suddenly become...I'm not at all sorry that I did it.
I was a little afraid this was going to be one of those instances of a guy getting what he wants and then dropping off the face of the earth. But he's actually called me a few times since then and we are supposed to get together tonight. What will happen this time I don't know. It would be nice to actually go out on a real date, but I'm not going to complain about getting it on again, I just hope can manage to make it to somone's place this time.
The X had made a big deal about wanting to ask me something that couldn't be done on the phone. I was expecting the worst. A proposal, or at least a desperate plea for me to commit to him. It was neither of those. He wants to take me out somewhere really fancy where we have to dress up and stuff. He even offered to take me out and buy me a dress. I told him I have plenty of nice dresses and no he couldn't buy me one, but yes I was willing to go out with him somewhere fancy. This was all before what happened in the rest of the blog (keep reading). But he hasn't emailed, called or updated me on when this fancy date might occur. Infact he's bordering on ignoring me. Which means maybe someone clued him in to the fact that I'll never be his girlfriend again.
The date was okay. I met him at coffee shop and then we went to the club. We didn't dance as much as I would have liked because L seemed more interested in talking so we ended up leaving and hanging out in an empty restaurant chatting. He didn't pay for me. We split everything, which holds with the whole "hanging out" and "not dating right now" thing. But on Friday he called and asked me out rock-climbing. He actually seemed disapointed when I said no. It's not that I don't want to see him, but he wanted to go to the rockwall at my gym, where J works. No way was I gonna have that happen. Even if he doesn't call me back, I'll be okay with that. Because.....
My last dance class was the evening after the "date" and I really wanted to give J my number. I was kind of nervous going to the class, but dancing quickly loosened me up. We flirted a little more than usual in class that night (normally the real flirting happened outside of class when I would stay to practice) I was sure that the others could tell. I stayed after class and while we were chattingl J said that when the classes started again I should bring my boyfriend with me. I assured him that there was no boyfriend and that's when I realized that I wasn't going to have to offer my number to him. While we were dancing he dipped me and when I came back up he planted a kiss on me. It was really great...just enough tongue and bit of lip nibbling. From there we danced more, but after another dip and kiss we ended up making out...serious heavy making out for like 20 minutes. If we hadn't have been in semi-public I think things could have gone alot farther than they did.
As it was I met up with him on Saturday morning. I thought we were going to dance, but instead we ended up in the back of his car. I had every intention of not doing it in his car. But the man makes me so horny. Just thinking about him turns me on. And one thing led to another so that we ended up doing it in his car. This is not something I have ever done before. Especially when the guy hasn't even gone out with me. Granted, we've known each other for a little over a month from dancing, but even so...dinner would be nice first. The crazy thing is that though I can see the crazy in my actions...sex in the back of a car in broad daylight...and though I am seriously wondering who this person is that I've suddenly become...I'm not at all sorry that I did it.
I was a little afraid this was going to be one of those instances of a guy getting what he wants and then dropping off the face of the earth. But he's actually called me a few times since then and we are supposed to get together tonight. What will happen this time I don't know. It would be nice to actually go out on a real date, but I'm not going to complain about getting it on again, I just hope can manage to make it to somone's place this time.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
It's Raining Men
But I'm not so Hallelujah about it.
I've been out with my X a few times since I put my foot down about not sleeping with him. He has said in no uncertain terms that he wants to be back with me. He also claimed to understand my trepidation in doing that especially since I have no full time job and am looking for work anywhere I can get it, even out of the state. However, this hasn't stopped him from pressuring me to be exclusive and start sleeping with him again. It's getting kind of old. I feel really guilty for even going out with him since I have no intentions of ever sleeping with him again, nor getting back together. He wants to meet up and talk about some things with me in person this week. Tomorrow. I am really nervous. I think he's going to make me decide and I don't think he'll like what my decision is.
I started dance classes at my gym about a month ago. I plucked up my courage and just started going by myself with out a partner because I really wanted to learn, it's a great work out, and I met the instructor (J) the week earlier. HOT. That's all I can say about him. He is seriously hot and he makes me so hot when I'm dancing with him (the upside to attending without a partner is that I get to dance with the instructor more). I am dying for him to ask me out. This isn't a studio atmosphere so I don't think that there is a problem with the whole instructor/student dynamic, but I am getting worried that I'm down to the last 2 classes for the summer (none in July or August) and all he's done is some mild flirting. I don't even know how seriously I can take that either. He's Latino and he dances...flirting might just be second nature. But on the other hand there have been other little clues that lead me to believe he might at least ask me for my number. Regardless, I want him bad and I've come to the decision that if necessary I will be bold and offer him my number at the end of the last class. If he doesn't want it or doesn't use it then I've really lost nothing. I rarely see him outside of class so I won't have to live with too much embarrassment.
Since I'd been taking these lessons I went to a social dance (not a club, I don't want to go there by myself) and met this guy, L. It was freaky-creepy how much stuff we had in common, right down to where we lived, and had never met before. He gave me his number and we've talked. He's taking me out dancing to a club this week between my lessons. He's cute enough and very nice. We have been able to talk about alot since we have so much in common. The thing is that when we met and he asked if we could "hang out" sometime he said that he isn't "really dating right now." Huh? WTF does that mean?
I'm in a pickle about these two. I am insanely attracted to J, but he hasn't made much of a move. L has actually asked me out, but "isn't dating" and while he's cute, I didn't feel the spark of hotness that I get from J.
Other people date more than one person at a time. It happened to me once with a guy I was dating so it must happen. I've just never done it before and I'm not sure how to handle it. Obviously I don't want to blow it with either of them by mentioning the other guy, but I'm half afraid that I'll be out with one dancing and the other will show up to the place.
I suppose it's too soon to get really worked up about it. Nothing may happen with J in which case I'm free to have as much fun as I want with L. Or maybe L will want to be "just friends" and I can pursue J romantically (physically) to my heart's content. Only time will tell I guess.
I've been out with my X a few times since I put my foot down about not sleeping with him. He has said in no uncertain terms that he wants to be back with me. He also claimed to understand my trepidation in doing that especially since I have no full time job and am looking for work anywhere I can get it, even out of the state. However, this hasn't stopped him from pressuring me to be exclusive and start sleeping with him again. It's getting kind of old. I feel really guilty for even going out with him since I have no intentions of ever sleeping with him again, nor getting back together. He wants to meet up and talk about some things with me in person this week. Tomorrow. I am really nervous. I think he's going to make me decide and I don't think he'll like what my decision is.
I started dance classes at my gym about a month ago. I plucked up my courage and just started going by myself with out a partner because I really wanted to learn, it's a great work out, and I met the instructor (J) the week earlier. HOT. That's all I can say about him. He is seriously hot and he makes me so hot when I'm dancing with him (the upside to attending without a partner is that I get to dance with the instructor more). I am dying for him to ask me out. This isn't a studio atmosphere so I don't think that there is a problem with the whole instructor/student dynamic, but I am getting worried that I'm down to the last 2 classes for the summer (none in July or August) and all he's done is some mild flirting. I don't even know how seriously I can take that either. He's Latino and he dances...flirting might just be second nature. But on the other hand there have been other little clues that lead me to believe he might at least ask me for my number. Regardless, I want him bad and I've come to the decision that if necessary I will be bold and offer him my number at the end of the last class. If he doesn't want it or doesn't use it then I've really lost nothing. I rarely see him outside of class so I won't have to live with too much embarrassment.
Since I'd been taking these lessons I went to a social dance (not a club, I don't want to go there by myself) and met this guy, L. It was freaky-creepy how much stuff we had in common, right down to where we lived, and had never met before. He gave me his number and we've talked. He's taking me out dancing to a club this week between my lessons. He's cute enough and very nice. We have been able to talk about alot since we have so much in common. The thing is that when we met and he asked if we could "hang out" sometime he said that he isn't "really dating right now." Huh? WTF does that mean?
I'm in a pickle about these two. I am insanely attracted to J, but he hasn't made much of a move. L has actually asked me out, but "isn't dating" and while he's cute, I didn't feel the spark of hotness that I get from J.
Other people date more than one person at a time. It happened to me once with a guy I was dating so it must happen. I've just never done it before and I'm not sure how to handle it. Obviously I don't want to blow it with either of them by mentioning the other guy, but I'm half afraid that I'll be out with one dancing and the other will show up to the place.
I suppose it's too soon to get really worked up about it. Nothing may happen with J in which case I'm free to have as much fun as I want with L. Or maybe L will want to be "just friends" and I can pursue J romantically (physically) to my heart's content. Only time will tell I guess.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
I'm an evil bitch.
I got home early-ish on Saturday. Normally I will go from work in the morning to the gym for dance class and stay there to run on the treadmill and the rowing machine for another hour, but it was a particularly vigorous class and decided I wasn't going to over do it (big stride for me: exercise is usually all about over doing it).
Lucky me my mom and her husband are getting dolled up to go out...the tip off was the mass of hot rollers in my mother's hair. They're going out with my aunts and in classic "I'm entitled to everything" mode I invite myself along. Even though I am sitting there wondering how little I can get away with eating. When mom calls to change the restaurant reservation to add one more there is no reservation. My aunt forgot to make it everywhere else that we try is booked too.
Mom and Aunts were trying to figure out now that I am coming where they can possibly eat that will have something vegetarian on the menu (yeah...I'm one of those crazy hippy freaks who won't eat a dead animal) and I try my hardest to let them know they can pick anywhere...even a steakhouse and I'll find something on the sides menu. But instead they pick a family chain restaurant... the kind with old toys, old signs, and old pictures decorating the walls trying to make you think that you're eating in your grandfather's den or something. I had resigned myself to ordering a veggie burger. I hate ordering veggie burgers in restaurants 'cuz they charge you about 4 times what it costs to buy it frozen at the grocery store and make it yourself...but whatever. I hadn't eaten all day figured I could have a few fries and half the burger with lots of diet coke and be pretty good.
Turns out...they've taken it off their menu. So my choice was pasta, or pasta, or....pasta. Yeah, that was not going to happen. So this is where the ungrateful bitch part comes in...no veggie burger, pasta that I won't eat served with over cooked veggies I won't eat and I start doing the grumble fest. My mom always wants to be helpful...everyone wants to be helpful when we go to restaurants: "Oh look did you see they have (fill in with some random veg item off the menu)". Oh my no I didn't I've suddenly been struck illiterate because I don't have any animal protein in my system. It is kind of sweet, except that after 500 times it gets very very old.
So when I notice no veggie burger I start to grumble. And I must have grumbled one more time than necessary because my mother snapped. Normally she won't do that in front of other people, even family, because it kind of detracts from that whole "we're a perfect family" facade. But I got an earful of how I always do this at restaurants, I say that we can go anywhere and then I start complaining about having to get "just a salad." She was totally right and I stepped up to say as much. I'm not even sure why I do it. Do I want the "poor her" attention? Am I trying to pave the way for an excuse of why I didn't eat much? I honestly can't figure it out. If it was a grumble-fest because I was dragged out to a family gathering when I didn't want to go I could understand, but I invited myself. So what's up with that? Not to mention I am too old for shit like this. (I'm too old to be living with my mother and her husband, but that's a different discussion all together.)
I'm an evil bitch...that's all I can figure. An ungrateful, doesn't treat her mom well, spoiled horrible person.
Mom sulked for most of the dinner. I got up to "wash my hands" and pinched myself in the bathroom stall in punishment for my horrid behavior (this is not something I normally do, it just seemed appropriate). And I ended up ordering a salad with no chicken...I always hate that part of ordering..."I'll have the Whatever Chicken Salad, but without the Chicken please." Worse than that...my mom asked for the chicken to be given to her...to take home! (How embarrassing)
Lucky me my mom and her husband are getting dolled up to go out...the tip off was the mass of hot rollers in my mother's hair. They're going out with my aunts and in classic "I'm entitled to everything" mode I invite myself along. Even though I am sitting there wondering how little I can get away with eating. When mom calls to change the restaurant reservation to add one more there is no reservation. My aunt forgot to make it everywhere else that we try is booked too.
Mom and Aunts were trying to figure out now that I am coming where they can possibly eat that will have something vegetarian on the menu (yeah...I'm one of those crazy hippy freaks who won't eat a dead animal) and I try my hardest to let them know they can pick anywhere...even a steakhouse and I'll find something on the sides menu. But instead they pick a family chain restaurant... the kind with old toys, old signs, and old pictures decorating the walls trying to make you think that you're eating in your grandfather's den or something. I had resigned myself to ordering a veggie burger. I hate ordering veggie burgers in restaurants 'cuz they charge you about 4 times what it costs to buy it frozen at the grocery store and make it yourself...but whatever. I hadn't eaten all day figured I could have a few fries and half the burger with lots of diet coke and be pretty good.
Turns out...they've taken it off their menu. So my choice was pasta, or pasta, or....pasta. Yeah, that was not going to happen. So this is where the ungrateful bitch part comes in...no veggie burger, pasta that I won't eat served with over cooked veggies I won't eat and I start doing the grumble fest. My mom always wants to be helpful...everyone wants to be helpful when we go to restaurants: "Oh look did you see they have (fill in with some random veg item off the menu)". Oh my no I didn't I've suddenly been struck illiterate because I don't have any animal protein in my system. It is kind of sweet, except that after 500 times it gets very very old.
So when I notice no veggie burger I start to grumble. And I must have grumbled one more time than necessary because my mother snapped. Normally she won't do that in front of other people, even family, because it kind of detracts from that whole "we're a perfect family" facade. But I got an earful of how I always do this at restaurants, I say that we can go anywhere and then I start complaining about having to get "just a salad." She was totally right and I stepped up to say as much. I'm not even sure why I do it. Do I want the "poor her" attention? Am I trying to pave the way for an excuse of why I didn't eat much? I honestly can't figure it out. If it was a grumble-fest because I was dragged out to a family gathering when I didn't want to go I could understand, but I invited myself. So what's up with that? Not to mention I am too old for shit like this. (I'm too old to be living with my mother and her husband, but that's a different discussion all together.)
I'm an evil bitch...that's all I can figure. An ungrateful, doesn't treat her mom well, spoiled horrible person.
Mom sulked for most of the dinner. I got up to "wash my hands" and pinched myself in the bathroom stall in punishment for my horrid behavior (this is not something I normally do, it just seemed appropriate). And I ended up ordering a salad with no chicken...I always hate that part of ordering..."I'll have the Whatever Chicken Salad, but without the Chicken please." Worse than that...my mom asked for the chicken to be given to her...to take home! (How embarrassing)
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Inner Nature and "just friends"
I've just finished reading "Tao of Pooh." What struck me as being particularly enlightening considering my recent perdicament in my personal life was the parable of the gnarly old tree.
A man has on his land a huge old tree with knotted wood. It is so huge that he wishes he could cut it down to use as lumber, but because it is so gnarled and knotted it would make terrible lumber and would be too hard to cut down. The man is very disgruntled because of what he sees as a useless tree. But the Taoist looks at the tree for all of the value it has outside of being potential lumber. It is unmoveable and therefore a wonderful testiment to nature, it produces shade in the hot summer, and bares fruit.
Basically you only see something as valueless when you are trying to force it to be something it is not, when you are not respecting it's Inner Nature. Hoff applied this to respecting one's own Inner Nature and therfore learning where you "belong" (he does of course discuss changing one's self for the better in later chapters so don't fear he's advocating a caste system). But I think in keeping with the parable...we must respect other's Inner Natures.
I was trying to make The Man that I was interested in something he was not (namely interested in me) I was seeing him as having value to me only as a potential new boyfriend or rebound relationship. He will never be one of those things for me, but this doens't make him a bad guy, but he has been relegated to the "just friends" category and that has an extreme amount of value in itself. Maybe it's not particularly "Inner Nature" in the Taoist sense, but I have had a enormous peace of mind since I realized that and have noticed a change in my attitude and interactions with The Man.
A man has on his land a huge old tree with knotted wood. It is so huge that he wishes he could cut it down to use as lumber, but because it is so gnarled and knotted it would make terrible lumber and would be too hard to cut down. The man is very disgruntled because of what he sees as a useless tree. But the Taoist looks at the tree for all of the value it has outside of being potential lumber. It is unmoveable and therefore a wonderful testiment to nature, it produces shade in the hot summer, and bares fruit.
Basically you only see something as valueless when you are trying to force it to be something it is not, when you are not respecting it's Inner Nature. Hoff applied this to respecting one's own Inner Nature and therfore learning where you "belong" (he does of course discuss changing one's self for the better in later chapters so don't fear he's advocating a caste system). But I think in keeping with the parable...we must respect other's Inner Natures.
I was trying to make The Man that I was interested in something he was not (namely interested in me) I was seeing him as having value to me only as a potential new boyfriend or rebound relationship. He will never be one of those things for me, but this doens't make him a bad guy, but he has been relegated to the "just friends" category and that has an extreme amount of value in itself. Maybe it's not particularly "Inner Nature" in the Taoist sense, but I have had a enormous peace of mind since I realized that and have noticed a change in my attitude and interactions with The Man.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Put my foot down
So...I went out to lunch with the X. My plan was to have a discussion over food and give him my explanation of why I can't sleep with him anymore. It's not that I don't care about him...I just want us to be friends.
Yeah, that didn't work so well. The lunch place was so crowded there was no way I could talk to him about personal stuff. So I waited until we were back at his place. I had let my nerves get the best of me and I was beginning to think that I wouldn't be able to mention it. Until he gave me "the look." The "what-can- we-do-for-half-an- hour-before-you-go-back-to-work" look. This time I wasn't giving in. I kind of just blurted out that though I'd been having fun with him sleeping with him is making me feel bad about myself. I wish I could have explained more, but as I say...nerves. I assured him that it was "me not you" and left it there.
He seemed to take it okay and asked if we could still hang out as friends once in awhile. I imagine this means that he's okay with my decision, but I am also guessing that this "fuck buddy" arrangement was never going to turn into him asking for me back. Which, just to clarify, I never would have done, but would have made me feel better about the situation. In the "at least he didn't want me just for sex" way. Alas...he did just want me for my body.
I feel a lot better now....my New Years Resolution 5 months ago was to take better care of myself. I have now come to conclude that this includes emotional well being as well as physical.
Yeah, that didn't work so well. The lunch place was so crowded there was no way I could talk to him about personal stuff. So I waited until we were back at his place. I had let my nerves get the best of me and I was beginning to think that I wouldn't be able to mention it. Until he gave me "the look." The "what-can- we-do-for-half-an- hour-before-you-go-back-to-work" look. This time I wasn't giving in. I kind of just blurted out that though I'd been having fun with him sleeping with him is making me feel bad about myself. I wish I could have explained more, but as I say...nerves. I assured him that it was "me not you" and left it there.
He seemed to take it okay and asked if we could still hang out as friends once in awhile. I imagine this means that he's okay with my decision, but I am also guessing that this "fuck buddy" arrangement was never going to turn into him asking for me back. Which, just to clarify, I never would have done, but would have made me feel better about the situation. In the "at least he didn't want me just for sex" way. Alas...he did just want me for my body.
I feel a lot better now....my New Years Resolution 5 months ago was to take better care of myself. I have now come to conclude that this includes emotional well being as well as physical.
Friday, April 28, 2006
All caught up
So that was all that was in the Live Journal...now for a bit of an update...
I feel like a whore and I hate myself.
I mistakenly thought that the X asked me out to dinner for the pleasure of my company or for a conversation about what the fuck we've been doing for the past month. yeah, we had fun. Dinner was okay and then we killed time in a bookstore, but it was all a clever ploy to get in my pants.
I didn't want to do it. I wanted to just go home. I was tired and I wanted to get up early to go to the gym. I finally got to my goal weight and in the past couple of weeks it has crept up +4. Normally that wouldn't bother me, but I can feel my skinny jeans getting tighter in the thighs and it freaks me out. With finals I haven't exercised as much as I'd like and I was binge-ing. I'm not mia so purging wasn't really an option, though I tried a couple of times, I just couldn't get everything up.
But back to the topic at hand...I gave in. I didn't want to, but it seemed so much easier to just let him fuck me and go home than try to explain to him why I didn't want to have sex with him anymore and probably have him beg. Yes, earlier in the week on the phone he begged me to come over. When I put my foot down and said no, he said the least I could do was take some photos with my phone and send them to him. *gross*
I closed my eyes, I felt like a dead fish, I tried to think of other guys that I find really attractive and I tried not to cry afterwards. He wanted me to spend the night and he kept telling me what a great time he had at dinner. He was coming up with all these other things we should do together.
I don't think he got the X-girlfriend memo. The one that says You broke up with me, you fucking prick. Okay, so I never sent that memo....but I'm going to. But first I'm going to ignore him for a week and see if that makes things better or worse.
As for the Man. I think that in his world I no longer exist. I'm beginning to wonder if the X has talked about our get togethers to mutual friends of his and the Man's. It would explain the fact that he no longer comes around to the desk. But...he still hangs out with that girl with a boyfriend, buys her stuff, and takes her out...she's totally boning somebody else. Which means, the Man just doesn't like me.
I feel like a whore and I hate myself.
I mistakenly thought that the X asked me out to dinner for the pleasure of my company or for a conversation about what the fuck we've been doing for the past month. yeah, we had fun. Dinner was okay and then we killed time in a bookstore, but it was all a clever ploy to get in my pants.
I didn't want to do it. I wanted to just go home. I was tired and I wanted to get up early to go to the gym. I finally got to my goal weight and in the past couple of weeks it has crept up +4. Normally that wouldn't bother me, but I can feel my skinny jeans getting tighter in the thighs and it freaks me out. With finals I haven't exercised as much as I'd like and I was binge-ing. I'm not mia so purging wasn't really an option, though I tried a couple of times, I just couldn't get everything up.
But back to the topic at hand...I gave in. I didn't want to, but it seemed so much easier to just let him fuck me and go home than try to explain to him why I didn't want to have sex with him anymore and probably have him beg. Yes, earlier in the week on the phone he begged me to come over. When I put my foot down and said no, he said the least I could do was take some photos with my phone and send them to him. *gross*
I closed my eyes, I felt like a dead fish, I tried to think of other guys that I find really attractive and I tried not to cry afterwards. He wanted me to spend the night and he kept telling me what a great time he had at dinner. He was coming up with all these other things we should do together.
I don't think he got the X-girlfriend memo. The one that says You broke up with me, you fucking prick. Okay, so I never sent that memo....but I'm going to. But first I'm going to ignore him for a week and see if that makes things better or worse.
As for the Man. I think that in his world I no longer exist. I'm beginning to wonder if the X has talked about our get togethers to mutual friends of his and the Man's. It would explain the fact that he no longer comes around to the desk. But...he still hangs out with that girl with a boyfriend, buys her stuff, and takes her out...she's totally boning somebody else. Which means, the Man just doesn't like me.
April 21, 2006
The X wants a booty-call. He flippin' told me as much.
And the man I want has spent the whole week ignoring me. I think he's with, or at least still chasing, some girl who has a boyfriend. A boyfriend she has made clear in the past year that she is not going to dump.
I dreamt about him this morning. I was drifting off after resetting my alarm and I had this crazy sex dream about the Man. We were at a staff meeting and we proceeded to get it on with me sitting on his lap. It was kind of surreal. I wish all staff meetings were like that. :)
I wish life was like that in general. Rather than being ignored. Not being asked out for a second "date" (if that was what dinner was three weeks ago).
I am hoping beyond hope that I am PMSing otherwise I'm just pathetic for wanting to cry right now.
And the man I want has spent the whole week ignoring me. I think he's with, or at least still chasing, some girl who has a boyfriend. A boyfriend she has made clear in the past year that she is not going to dump.
I dreamt about him this morning. I was drifting off after resetting my alarm and I had this crazy sex dream about the Man. We were at a staff meeting and we proceeded to get it on with me sitting on his lap. It was kind of surreal. I wish all staff meetings were like that. :)
I wish life was like that in general. Rather than being ignored. Not being asked out for a second "date" (if that was what dinner was three weeks ago).
I am hoping beyond hope that I am PMSing otherwise I'm just pathetic for wanting to cry right now.
April 20, 2006
What the Hell is Wrong with ME?
That guy I want...nay...the man that I want. I fantasize about him constantly. After the initial "apology" flip out that I had, I calmed down. We talk now and then when he's passing by at work, we've traded a couple of myspace messages and he took me out to dinner once. Still and all we're just friends. I can't help wanting him though. I try to imagine all the senarios in which I might possibly get him to kiss me. But I've yet to be in any such situation. I mean if he didn't try to make a move after taking me out he's never going to right?
So in order to get out my physical urges I have been answering the booty-calls of the X. Two weeks in a row now. It starts out friendly just hanging or saying hi, but we both know why we we're hanging out and inevitably we end up f*cking. I've stayed the night too and we did it the next morning.
Which leads me to feeling aweful. Certainly I should have more self respect than to sleep with a guy who broke up with me. And while it seems like a good idea the night of, the next morning generally I only do it because I didn't wake up in time to sneak out. Then there is the fact that the whole time I'm thinking about the other guy. It's hard... they are nothing a like physically, but still I do my best.
I totally get that I'm selling myself short, but at the same time, if man #1 doesn't want me and the ex is willing to get it on should I really be second guessing this?
That guy I want...nay...the man that I want. I fantasize about him constantly. After the initial "apology" flip out that I had, I calmed down. We talk now and then when he's passing by at work, we've traded a couple of myspace messages and he took me out to dinner once. Still and all we're just friends. I can't help wanting him though. I try to imagine all the senarios in which I might possibly get him to kiss me. But I've yet to be in any such situation. I mean if he didn't try to make a move after taking me out he's never going to right?
So in order to get out my physical urges I have been answering the booty-calls of the X. Two weeks in a row now. It starts out friendly just hanging or saying hi, but we both know why we we're hanging out and inevitably we end up f*cking. I've stayed the night too and we did it the next morning.
Which leads me to feeling aweful. Certainly I should have more self respect than to sleep with a guy who broke up with me. And while it seems like a good idea the night of, the next morning generally I only do it because I didn't wake up in time to sneak out. Then there is the fact that the whole time I'm thinking about the other guy. It's hard... they are nothing a like physically, but still I do my best.
I totally get that I'm selling myself short, but at the same time, if man #1 doesn't want me and the ex is willing to get it on should I really be second guessing this?
February 23, 2006
Big Fat Pig:
Oh my goodness! I totally binged today and now I feel totally gross and bloated. I went through Doritos, Chex Mix, Coke, Tostitos, Bean dip, cheese dip, salsa and I feel like I'm gonna explode any minute.
My goal for tomorrow...work out like a maniac. If only I didn't have the late shift tonight and the early shift tomorrow. It might have to be nap and then work out like a maniac. I just hope I don't slip into a food coma on the drive home.
Oh my goodness! I totally binged today and now I feel totally gross and bloated. I went through Doritos, Chex Mix, Coke, Tostitos, Bean dip, cheese dip, salsa and I feel like I'm gonna explode any minute.
My goal for tomorrow...work out like a maniac. If only I didn't have the late shift tonight and the early shift tomorrow. It might have to be nap and then work out like a maniac. I just hope I don't slip into a food coma on the drive home.
February 6th, 2006
-9
I'm still 14 pounds away from my goal and really want to be -5 in two weeks. I know that one is do-able. I just need to work out a little harder than I have been.
The problem is that the past few days I have been really down. Sobbed my eyes out last night, the first time in weeks, because of the X. Today he walked in and out of my work without even a glance in my direction, smiling & talking with his friends. A guy came in and got pissed because I wouldn't give him my pen. Then called me "baby." My pet peeve. He's not my father, I'm probably older than him! I know guys use it when I'm at work to make themselves feel better for coming up to my desk and asking a question or because I look young, but it pisses me off to no end. I was already in a bad mood...now I want to rip off the head of the next guy that walks in here.
I'm still 14 pounds away from my goal and really want to be -5 in two weeks. I know that one is do-able. I just need to work out a little harder than I have been.
The problem is that the past few days I have been really down. Sobbed my eyes out last night, the first time in weeks, because of the X. Today he walked in and out of my work without even a glance in my direction, smiling & talking with his friends. A guy came in and got pissed because I wouldn't give him my pen. Then called me "baby." My pet peeve. He's not my father, I'm probably older than him! I know guys use it when I'm at work to make themselves feel better for coming up to my desk and asking a question or because I look young, but it pisses me off to no end. I was already in a bad mood...now I want to rip off the head of the next guy that walks in here.
January 28, 2006
That was really unfair of me:
So, I realize that my rant of earlier in the week was totally unfair to this man.
I have no way of knowing whether or not he's a "slut." And I feel really bad now for thinking that he is. I think he's just really hung up on this girl who won't leave her boyfriend, even though this guy that I like treats her way better.
He's still been really friendly to me and I think that I can manage to not be akward or anything.
So, I realize that my rant of earlier in the week was totally unfair to this man.
I have no way of knowing whether or not he's a "slut." And I feel really bad now for thinking that he is. I think he's just really hung up on this girl who won't leave her boyfriend, even though this guy that I like treats her way better.
He's still been really friendly to me and I think that I can manage to not be akward or anything.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
January 23, 3006
Hissing, spitting mad:
How could I have possibly have been dissed by the biggest man-whore I know? Seriously.As if I wasn't bad off already, dieting in the extreme, exercizing every day, sometimes two or three times a day. As if I didn't already feel huge and fat and ugly.
A little background for you:On Friday I went out with a co-worker to see a third collegue's new music group play. The last band to play sucked so my friend and I went to the back of the bar to play pool...as far from the speakers as possible. When the guy I was there to see came by to mingle and we flirted a bit. Nothing major I sat on his lap while my friend played pool with someone else and we just chatted. It was just kind of nice seeing as I've been without male attention for 6 weeks.
Today he comes up to me and apologizes for being "innapropriate." Inappropriate!! And he said sorry. That pisses me off. Sorry means, "I wish I hadn'd done it." I didn't think he was a jerk for flirting with me. It's not like he has a girlfriend (yeah, he's got a girl he bones sometimes, but everyone knows she's a whore and doesn't constitute a real relationship). And it isn't as if I was expecting a date, or sex, or a marriage proposal. It was nice friendly flirting and I knew I was having a good time because the whole time we were chatting I didn't obsess about whether I was crushing his legs with my weight.
So now he says sorry...and I'm thinking...oh my god I really am horrible and disgusting and he must be appalled with himself.
Great...I've gone from angry to depressed in the time it took me to write this.
January 12, 2006
Feeling Somewhat Better:
It makes no sense. I couldn't sleep at all last night, but I took something for the past two nights and didn't want to be groggy yet again. So I toughed it out. I can't seem to stop myself from crying at the drop of a hat. I can't even claim that I am crying myself to sleep, because I'm not sleeping. I think around 3am I finally got the cat to come sleep on the bed. Around 4 I think I dozed. Up at 7:30 for work, and that was coming in late.
Well some of my work load got put off. Turns out that the grant proposal I was writing would never be approved in time to make the deadline. So I get to shelve it for a bit.
That's the only reason I'm making it through the day.
1/2 hour left of work and then 3 hours of class.
I want so badly to head to the gym instad, but I know I can't. I worked out tuesday, and yesterday, I should feel okay taking the day off, but I feel the need to run. I don't even do it that well.I blame the X. Every time a guy dumps me, or chooses another girl over me I need to run. I swear, the only time I exercise is when I'm miserable.
It makes no sense. I couldn't sleep at all last night, but I took something for the past two nights and didn't want to be groggy yet again. So I toughed it out. I can't seem to stop myself from crying at the drop of a hat. I can't even claim that I am crying myself to sleep, because I'm not sleeping. I think around 3am I finally got the cat to come sleep on the bed. Around 4 I think I dozed. Up at 7:30 for work, and that was coming in late.
Well some of my work load got put off. Turns out that the grant proposal I was writing would never be approved in time to make the deadline. So I get to shelve it for a bit.
That's the only reason I'm making it through the day.
1/2 hour left of work and then 3 hours of class.
I want so badly to head to the gym instad, but I know I can't. I worked out tuesday, and yesterday, I should feel okay taking the day off, but I feel the need to run. I don't even do it that well.I blame the X. Every time a guy dumps me, or chooses another girl over me I need to run. I swear, the only time I exercise is when I'm miserable.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
January 11th, 2006
Just Getting Through It:
A month ago my boyfriend of over a year broke-up with me...over the phone.
A month ago my boyfriend of over a year broke-up with me...over the phone.
While he said alot of stuff, what it all boiled down to was the classic "It's not you. It's me." It's a lie. It's both of us.
I try to convince myself that the reasons are numerous and complex, really they aren't. We just got tired of each other. We'd gotten to the point where we wouldn't talk to each other for days. He didn't mind being in the same house different rooms, doing the exact same things. If we did go out the silences were long and awkward. A year ago we would only get a few hours of sleep because we'd stay up talking. We'd be on the phone for more than an hour and still have a ton left to talk about.
A year ago we'd go to bed at the same time and the sex was great. Toward the end it got to the point where one of us would make excused for not being ready for bed so that the other would be asleep and we wouldn't have to go through the motions of monotonous love making.
I'd like to blame it all on him. He grew away from me. He didn't want to be around me. He didn't find me interesting or attractive anymore. But I never tried to fight it. My apathy killed our relationship just as much as his attitude did.
All this was right before finals time and the holidays. I've not had alot of time to really think about and feel what's happened. Now I do and I'm uncontrollably saddened. I miss what we used to have and I wish I had done something more to save it. I don't think we'll ever speak to each other again, much less actually reconcile or even become friends. And the idea of losing this person completely from my life makes me want to curl up in a ball and never face the world again.
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