This is Just Me

Life Sucks

2011-11-07T09:06:00.001-08:00

Last week was the week from hell. I realize I have neglected this blog for a year, but I really need somewhere to vent.

Let's begin with:

My Orange Kitty was in the animal hospital last week. He was taking antibiotics for a UTI and getting over an upper respiratory infection he began vomiting on Halloween night. The vet said, no more antibiotics it's upsetting his tummy. But it didn't stop. So I took him in and had to leave him there. It turned out that he had swallowed a needle and thread. Probably while I was working on my Halloween costume. Which makes me, like, the worst pet parent ever.

So, I ended up missing a bunch of work to take him to the vet, visit him after surgery, and keep an eye on him the day after he got home - not that that mattered because 12 hours after he was home he was vomiting again. Because this time he'd eaten a piece of paper towel. I told my mother that I wanted to make him a cozy little room in the bathroom where he wouldn't be getting into things, he wouldn't be jumping or wrestling the other cats. And she said no. Why? Because she didn't want him to be alone? No. Because she didn't want him messing up the bathroom doors if he got upset and tried to get out. Which was the reason he couldn't be quarantined in any room. Because that's what's important. Her doors. So instead, he was allowed to wander the house and eat a random piece of paper towel.

Next on the list is:

Fighting with my boyfriend. He's unhappy with me, because I'm pissed at him, because he's going to Africa. With his friends. For a month. And I'm not invited. Originally the trip was just supposed to be a guys trip climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro. Not too upset that I didn't get asked along on that. Then it turned into going on a month long with his one buddy starting in Egypt and picking up the guys for Kilimanjaro, but wow, it's ending with a 4 day safari. And now I am officially pissed. Because A) when he travels with me he's all like "3 weeks is a long vacation. I don't understand how people travel for months and months," but now he's going for a whole month with a friend and B) a freaking safari! I'm the one who planned our day safaris in India and I didn't even get to see a freakin' tiger up close. I've been wanting to do an African safari since 2001. Before we took those two mega vacations this past year, I was thinking I would as a graduation present put some money toward a safari for both of us. And now what's the freaking point? So we can go at some later date and he can tell me how it's not as good as the one he went on before. Because that's what he did to me in India. At the Taj Mahal, which was the one thing I had to see in India, and he says it's not as impressive as St. Peter's cathedral (which I've never been to btw).

The BF and I are classic examples of opposites attract. Because if our positions were reversed and I was doing this trip with out him. He'd be fine with it. He actually told me to plan a trip with girlfriends if I wanted to. But I'm the type of person who says, "oh, I can't do that with out the BF." or "I'll have to check if the BF wants to do that first." The sad thing is I take it hugely personal when he doesn't think this way. I take it as another sign of his commitment-phobia. Here I am planning on moving to another state with him when he takes a job and he can't even stop to think that maybe going to see the last Harry Potter movie without me might make me a little angry. Or hell, call and ask if I'd mind. I love him and I don't want to break up with him. I know he loves me and doesn't want to break up with me. But I honestly don't know how many more times I can have this same conversation with him. I can't tell if it is literally his personality, if it's his unconscious attempts at holding onto "single-dom" from his fear of commitment (aka marriage); or if it's me and this relationship - like maybe I'm not "the one" for him and he'd be more conscientious to another girl.

I am supposed to go out to dinner with a girlfriend tonight. And I just don't want to talk to her about this. But other than my cat it's the only thing I can think about. The BF is supposed to help me with resume stuff afterward too. I asked him to help me apply for an internship. It was after our discussion (from which we came to no conclusion). The deadline is the day after his deadline to pick a job offer. And I just decided I can't wait for him to do that. Even if he picks one in the same city, that's only 24 hours to get my application in. I haven't explained to him yet, but I really think I need to start looking for work I don't hate in places that aren't just where he's got job offers. I know we won't do a long distance relationship. But I'm starting to feel depression creep up on me again, and I don't know what else to do about it.

Something Borrowed

2011-04-30T11:02:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I watched the wedding and all the stuff about the wedding that came after. I couldn't help it. I'm usually not one for weddings. I don't find them particularly interesting even when I know the couple. I like seeing the wedding trappings (dress, flowers etc), but the real interest for me always lies in the reception. Food, booze and dancing an ideal night in my book. So it is a little weird that I decided to get up in the middle of the night to watch it, and watch it again, and again all day. I even got a little teary.... okay, fine, I cried.

I will say that they looked really happy, a little nervous and shy maybe, but still really happy - William looked so proud coming down the aisle at the end. And I have high hopes for their marriage actually working out. Since he's not likely to be King until he's old and gray, maybe they won't have as much pressure as his parents. I still remember the front page of the local paper when Diana died. It was the same day I was moved into my dorm.

I've also been to St. Andews where the couple met. So watching all of the "lead up" about the couple made me really want to go back there. It's such a gorgeous town, right on the ocean and only 3 main streets. But still pretty bustling.

I'm sort of in love with her dress too.

I've considered the style of lace top for if I ever get married, but I really want a red wedding dress, and I don't know that it's really my style, I just love the way it looks. I also really hate strapless. I can not dance in a strapless dress. I have more than one I have tried to dance in and I am forever pulling it up. There is no way that I am doing that at my wedding reception.

Not that I'm getting married any time soon. I don't think I'm really ready for that even if MM were. Which I'm utterly confident that he's not. It's not that I wouldn't love to have a wedding, it's the marriage that comes afterwards I'm not ready to jump into.

Wow.

2010-12-20T08:42:00.000-08:00

When in the world did I get 10 followers? And how many of them are spammers? Weird.

Anyway... I'm more than a month back from India and I am slowly crawling my way out of post-travel depression. I never really thought of this as an actual thing before. But looking back on my time in the UK and I realize that it is true.

I thought I wanted to come home from India. It was a rough trip for more than one reason, but with a few days of recuperating I found myself in a black hole. Crying, miserable, binging, sleeping, not sleeping, copping attitude at work, isolating myself. The I saw a photo montage of MM's project member's pictures. And the first thing I thought when I watched it, "I want to go back."

MM has no desire to go back - at least not before we get other places checked off our list and not anytime soon.

It was really hard going back to work and normal daily routines (my hot water heater and furnace both broke while I was away) after getting back. Everyone wants to know how the trip was. Putting it into words and painting an accurate picture is just impossible.

*Sigh* so here are the holidays. 5 Days til Christmas with MM's family. I'm really looking forward to time off of work. I want time at home to clean my house, and I want some time vegging at his parents place. Two and half more days of work...

Excited and Scared

2010-10-19T09:41:00.000-07:00

I have a Dream Box. At least that's what I call it. I got the idea from a combination of dream board (goal board) and an anti-procrastination tool I read about. The idea is, when ever you get sidetracked from a project with thoughts of doing something else - "Why am I spending time on this, I should be starting my own business." - you write them down and put them in the box. Then they are off your mind, but not forgotten. I don't think that the time managment guru really expected that I would use the box the way I have - I even decorated it - but it works for me.

I filled my box with things that I want to do someday like:

Learn Spanish
Learn Sign Language
Go to Italy
Decorate my own place

Well, a little while ago I took one of those things out of the box because it's no longer just a dream. I am actually doing it in less than a week....

I am going to India.

I can't remember when India officially went on my list of places I want to visit. In high school I was obsessed with the Beatles and especially George Harrison. There is no doubt that India effected them. Then in graduate school I started reading the Dalai Lama's biography, who is in exile in India. At the same time I was working with a girl from India. At some point I just decided that this was a place that I needed to see.

I have to say that I am ridiculously excited to be going. I am going with MM and we are meeting my friend in her home city before going to New Delhi and traveling the "Golden Triangle." I am looking forward to seeing the Taj Mahal, and the Pink City. We are also booking a safari in Ranthambore national park (cross my fingers we see some tigers!).

At the same time I am really nervous to be going to a developing country. I know that there is terrible poverty. I have read about the beggars and the scams. I have heard about the stares and the "eve teasing."

Never-the-less, I am on my way. My passport and travel visa are secured, my vaccines obtained, and my flight booked. A few weeks from now I can officially cross "Go To India" from my bucket list and maybe replace that picture of the Taj Mahal with one that I take myself.

All is well that ends well

2010-09-20T22:09:00.000-07:00

So, my strategy for dealing with this revelation about MM did not go well. And why would it. I wasn't upset about the anniversary thing. I was upset that he slept with somebody else (even if it was early days) and went to Europe with her (I have yet to do that with him and it's been 2 years).

Eventually on Sunday night we had another talk. Again, it wasn't going so well, and MM came out and asked where this was coming from. I thought my heart was going to pound it's self right out of my chest. But, in the end I came clean. I told him that I had done homework on his computer while he was out and that afterward I was looking at his pictures. He didn't get mad like I thought he would. And he was incredibly sweet about the whole thing. At one point he even offered to leave. Which wasn't at all what I wanted.

I felt immensely better after coming clean. I don't know if he did or not, but I know that I can celebrate our anniversary coming up without feeling sad or upset.

I went so far as to read some of my blog from the early days of our dating. I think I need to do this more often when I'm feeling down about us. I had something good. I enjoyed our dating for the first few months. It isn't until I start thinking our relationship should be something else that I get depressed. And usually it isn't even from a deep sense of needing or wanting something else. It's just an external "should" that I feel the need to meet.

Anyway... we're back to being good again. I'm hoping we keep it good for a while now.

Where do we go from here

2010-09-18T06:26:00.001-07:00

I feel like a jenga game. My foundation is being taken away from me piece by piece and it's a matter of time before it all comes crashing down.

I tried to talk to MM last night but he was drunk and I don't think he remembers it now.

I'm trying to put these two separate MMs that I know together in my head.

On the one hand there is the guy I've known for two years who: gave me a toothbrush to keep in his bathroom drawer the first night I slept over which was the first night we had sex; always wanted me to spend the night; has told me the story of being angry with an x girlfriend for continuing to sleep with him and moving on to someone else after they broke up; told me he missed me during a business trip after a month of dating; got jealous when another guy put his arm around me at my birthday party a year ago; has friends who told me that MM loved me before MM did.

Then there's the guy who: didn't want to be called my boyfriend for the first 6 months of dating; talked about his evil X constantly for the first 10 months; told me he was going to New York for New Years, but actually went to Europe; has pictures of this trip with a girl on his computer; has other pictures of them in his current apartment kissing (he has never taken a picture like that with me.); tells me know that when we met he was not ready for a relationship.

In our conversation that he doesn't remember he told me that this isn't a road I want to go down - which tells me that I was right and he was seeing/sleeping with someone else (maybe someone elses) after we started dating. If he didn't do anything, then why would I care? I could handle dating... took someone out to dinner? drinks? a show? Fine, he does that with friends now. But if he fucked somebody while he was seeing me too... that I don't know if I can handle.

He told me that I can pick whatever date has meaning for me and he'll celebrate it as our anniversary. How can I do that? I don't really know when we started being exclusive. I know when I THOUGHT we did, but if he's remembering that time and it includes some other girl(s) then I certainly don't want to celebrate it.

I have been so psyched about having a 2 year anniversary with him. I've never made 2 years with out a break before. But if our relationship is really 2 years old then if was with someone else in that time, he cheated on me.

How could I have been so stupid?

2010-09-17T19:49:00.001-07:00

I've done something really stupid...

I'm afraid to call or text a girlfriend because I don't want them to act weird about it later.

I'm at MMs - he planned a night out with friends, and I'm sick so we were hanging out together until he went to that. I thought I was going to go home, but he seemed to think I was staying the night so I did. After he left I got on the computer to do homework.

I know I shouldn't have. And I tell him all the time that I don't... .but I snooped.

It started because he didn't originally invite me out tonight. He said he wanted to catch up with people he hasn't seen in awhile. But I knew from Facebook (again where I didn't get an invite) that he had invited the girl I dislike who used to live across from him. Who I completely admit to being jealous of. I know she wants him and she's cute enough with enormous boobs which to me equals jealousy. I found a picture of her in his computer trash (yeah, already with the snooping) so I went to his pictures folder wondering if there were more.

Instead I found pictures from New Years 2009 when we'd been dating about 2 1/2 months - when he told he me he blew off plans with friend in New York to go to Europe and visit different friends. The time everyone told me to break up with him because he didn't tell me he was in Europe until he got home on January 4th. I found all of the pictures not just the 3 on facebook - all the ones with him and a girl. And they're not just friends - because they were kissing in some - and then I found others of them in the apartment together also kissing.

On the couch I'm sitting on right now. At the table I've eaten at before.

And I don't know what to do. Because I was with him. I was dating him and sleeping with him.

We celebrate 2 years in 2 weeks. We booked a trip going to Asia together in month! (Yeah, that was supposed to be a happy excited blog post once the visas go through). We have plans to go to Europe in the spring.

I tell him that I don't snoop. And for 2 years I didn't. I know that this is what happens. I'm upset and if I bring it up I'm a snoop. And if I don't I just fester. Even though it's over and he loves me.
But here I am crying and he'll be home soon and I don't know what to do.

The ones we love

2010-08-19T07:44:00.000-07:00

I've been sitting on this post for awhile now because it's really hard for me to write. I don't know why. It isn't anything new or surprising, it's just that it has finally started to bother me on a fundamental level.

I went on a family vacation in July. Just my immediate family consisting of dad, mom, her new husband, my brothers, sisters -in-law, niece and nephew. MM did not come with me because of work and school obligations - there was just no getting around it.

I drove with one of my brothers and his wife. Everything was great on the drive there. He teased me a little bit when, at a restaurant we stopped at for lunch, I tried to get them to sub a pancake for the sausage links in a breakfast combo. They wouldn't. But whatever. All in all the drive was pleasant. The drive home was good too (except for losing my phone) they played what I wanted from their iPod for most of the trip and treated to coffee and donuts when we got stuck at a restaurant during a torrential down pour (1/2 the parking lot flooded!).

It was how he treated me during the actual vacation that I have a problem with. It started with the breakfast issue - telling my family that I had given her such a hard time that I made the waitress cry with my unreasonable demand for a pancake instead of sausage. Went to a joke about my inability to dress myself because I missed a button on my cardigan, and it got to the point where he even ragged my boyfriend's way of using a knife and fork (MM spent a good deal of time in Europe).

I realize this about my brother - he's great to me, until there is an audience. Then his need to be king of the mountain superior comes out and he turns on the weakest link he can find. It's usually me, but I've seen him do it to his wife too. It's not malicious. He thinks it's funny and just "good fun" teasing. Or sometimes it's about him being right about everything and everyone else just isn't as smart, enlightened, or knowledgeable as him. Although, the comment about MM came at a time when my brother was incredibly cranky, it was entirely uncalled for. My response, because at this point in the vacation I had completely had it, was "if you don't like it, don't look at him while he eats. Or better yet, don't hang out with us anymore."

The weird thing is - and maybe in the above case it was a blood sugar thing and dinner calmed him down - that when I pretend like I don't care about what he's saying or that he's not hurting my feelings, he calms down about it or stops entirely.

When I was in high school and college he used to be really mean to my cat. The cat hated men in general and my dad and brothers in particular. It didn't help that this brother would egg her on. It used to really upset me and I would complain about it - try to appeal to any sense of his love/like for animals, the fact that his would-be-wife had a cat - but he still wouldn't stop. He just didn't. Then I wised up. Just like it's no fun to tickle somebody who doesn't laugh, it's not fun to tease someone when you don't get a rise out of them. So one day when he was bothering my cat, I just said, "well, she knows she doesn't like you, and if she won't leave the room, it's her own fault" and walked away. It felt horrible to do, because really it was my brother's fault for aggravating her, not the cat's fault for acting on territorial instinct. But, lo and behold, he stopped. He rarely, if ever, bothered her again.

I know that I should just remember this, but sometimes you expect the people who are supposed to love you to act like they love you.

It's been awhile

2010-06-09T08:52:00.001-07:00

Wow, I had totally forgotten about that last post.

No, I haven't started eating meat again. I do every now and then start researching Certified Humane meat and CSAs etc... but I never get very far with it. I start feeling so horrible and get turned off again at the thought of eating it. So, I guess that's my answer - no conscientious omnivorism for me.

On the flip side I have been eating much healthier. For a while I was having terrible mood swings. I would feel so bad for MM, because little things would set me off and I'd be terribly sad about something he'd done or said, and other times I'd just be over the moon. We wouldn't fight our anything - but I couldn't shake the feeling that I was getting stuck in the "you can't do anything right" mentality. And I knew it wasn't reflecting reality. So... I took a look at what was going on in my life:

sitting on my ass all day in a job that I don't even really do (instead I'm facebooking, blogging etc).
eating junk on a regular basis (weekly binges of twizzlers, doritos or cheetos, ice cream or candy bars etc.)
procrastinating on things that I thought mattered to me (piano lessons, dancing, school, organizing my office and home)
watching way too much tv

This led me to two things - 1) a book by Hyrum W. Smith (yes, he's Mormon, but I can over look that - and overlooked alot of the "god" messages) about time management from a value standpoint - finding your values and living them. And 2) I got hooked on The Biggest Loser through Hulu.com.

I am still working on putting my values into practice for time management. I thought of that as I went to bed last night after sitting on my butt watching TV for a good bit of the night. I looked around my room and thought - "I wanted to clean this up and instead I sat on my ass all night."
But, it is getting better. I am getting more done in other ways because after watching so much Biggest Loser and reading the book I realized that myself and my help are very high on my value list and I need to start living that way.

Which led me to this book by Jillian Michaels. Okay, she's not an endocronolgist, but she's done her research and has the bibliography to prove it. After reading it I have given up high fructose corn syrup and all sodas including diet. I have given up all artificial sweeteners - which was harder to do actually, since I loved Splenda. I have started making all of my meals. I actually sit at home and eat breakfast instead of stopping at Dunkin' Donuts (a prior fave of mine). I bring food for a snack (no vending machine visits) and lunch (no Taco Bell or cafeteria food anymore) and make dinner at home. I have actually manged to exercise for the past few weeks too. And I'm starting on a running program to be half-marathon ready at the end of October.

I found that it is actually working!

MM and I had a great Memorial Day weekend (with the exception of a couple moments of moodiness). We spent it at his parents house, went to a wedding and to the Indy 500. The moody moments were - the day after the wedding when he was helping his dad on the farm and I was left to my own devices - and just be fore the Indy when I found out that I didn't need to hunt down and buy a sun hat before we left because we were sitting in the covered portion and now I had this thing to deal with (there was also the added factor of MM joking around that this was a car race not a derby and hats weren't required which royally pissed me off) . All in all though the weekend was fun and in the process I gained a bunch of weight. Its weird, I could binge at home and be fine with my weight because I wouldn't eat normal food too, but if I go out I eat normal and indulge which is disaster.

So as soon as I got home I started to clean up my diet. The moods have been much less severe - only once this whole week and that was directly related to me not eating every four hours. My libido has also made a change for the better which MM has totally noticed. Before it was an effort to get in the mood and if MM didn't approach it just right I would be totally uninterested. I'm also sleeping better most nights. This seems to have a correlation with exercise and when I eat my last meal.

There is still room for improvement. I have cheated a little bit here and there. I had a couple of cookies and donut holes which are given out free at my grocery store. And I haven't eliminated my fat - free coffee creamer which I am sure has weird stuff in it. BUT I have made strides and I'm hoping that this is one "diet" I can actually stick too.

A woman's prerogative

2010-02-09T10:09:00.001-08:00

So, I'm thinking of eating meat again.

There's no other way to say than to say it. Although, it could be because it's after 1pm, I'm really hungry, and looking at a cooking blog, but those french dip sandwiches actually look good. So do the bacon cheddar muffins.

Is this terrible of me? I'd have to get off my animal loving high horse if I did.

I will say that it scares me. I have no idea how to watch my calorie intake while eating meat. But worse, it makes me feel sad for the animals. Like I'm saying that I don't care about them as much as I do. On the other hand someone made a comment to me that if I want food animals to be more humanely treated taking myself out of the equation all together is not the way to provoke change.

The List

2009-12-17T11:18:00.000-08:00

Other than ~~being his girlfriend,~~ (yep, it's official somewhere around Labor Day it became inevitable) I want:

To cook more meals with him

~~To stay in on a weekend DAY and play games or watch TV~~
It turns out that this is something we've started doing on regular basis :)

~~Spend to days or nights in a row together~~
Also happening on a regular basis now. MM seems to understand that I like hearing from him and will often call "just to check in." It's rare now not to hear from him for more than a day at a time. And if I don't it's usually school related.

~~Go to a wine tasting~~
Did that one too! He got us tickets for a paired meal where each course (except dessert) came with a different glass of wine. This ended up being on our Anniversary too.

Take a cooking class

Play a game of scrabble - we played one online game, but I am still determined to play a real game at some point.

~~Meet his family~~ - The one one I haven't met is his brother who lives across the country. But X-mas is in a week and we are picking the brother up from the airport.

~~Have him meet mine~~ - he hasn't met my mother, but she's planning a post-X-mas dinner in January partly for that purpose. But he's met my father, brother and sister-in-law that all live near by.

~~Go home with him for Fourth of July~~ - Yep, he did indeed invite me and I did go, despite mucho drama associated.

~~Meet more of his friends~~ - He had some college buds in town before Thanksgiving and then I went with him to celebrate with friends for Turkey Day.

Have him come to one of my shows - shows? what shows? SoG keeps saying the team will practice, but so far, it hasn't happened.

~~Tell him I love him~~ - Labor Day weekend he went away for a wedding I wasn't invited to. I was particularly pissed off. We had a "state of the union" in which he told me that he does love me. It took about another week for him to say it outside of an argument and I got to say "I love you too." Oddly enough, I am finding it difficult to bust out with the random I love you. Though sometimes it spills out when on the phone or leaving him. The other night I was half asleep and at some point before dozing off completely I told him I love him. So... it has definitely been done.

~~Find out when and why he didn't marry his X~~ - yeah, so we had that discussion too. Round about the time I was having issues with NG he was breaking up with his evil X.

~~Find out what he's doing for my birthday~~ - he got me flowers and that's it. He never did get us tickets for anything.

I give up

2009-11-11T13:55:00.000-08:00

So, here I am again venting about my teaching job. The smart ass in class I was angry with last month for openly challenging me plagiarized parts of his paper.

I am literally shaking, I am so angry right now. I wish I could quit this job. And I am angry with myself for even trying it again after how miserable I was last year.

The idea of going into that classroom tomorrow makes we want to cry with futility and anger.

I am disgusted with my students right now. Utterly disgusted.

What am I doing?

2009-10-29T08:16:00.000-07:00

This fall I took the job of teaching at a community college again. Why do I do it to myself? Last year when I did this I hated it most of the time. By the third week, I despised a good number of my students and I put in only enough effort to make sure they learned what I was testing them on. Some students did get better at the writing process. And 79% of them when evaluating me said they'd recommend me to a friend. That's pretty impressive since I can think of 6 out of 50 that I would care to ever have another conversation with.

So, here I am again. Half way through fall semester and hating it... again. Granted it took me this long, so that is some improvement, but I dread going. I put off planning. And I just don't want to do it anymore.

First of all I have a student who cheated. That student received a zero. Now I'm getting email bitching because they dropped the class. Why? My syllabus is clear about the consequences of these types of actions and I did not drop the student from the class. Two weeks later I'm receiving emails filled with attitude and bile. I really want to email back and say look on the bright side of dropping 1) you have an easier semester, 2) you can retake the class with a different instructor and 3) the next time you cheat, maybe that instructor will be too stupid to notice and you'll get away with it.

Something tells me that an email like that would not go over well.

The cheater had a friend in class who academically is not doing well. Since that friend no longer has the cheater to pal around with, they've attached themselves to another academically challenged student. One who has missed nearly half of the course and who gives me attitude at every turn.

I don't expect every student to like me. That's fine. But to openly challenge me in my classroom is not fine. Especially from someone who is barely scraping by with a passing grade.

I get that I look alot younger than I am. Most of these kids think I'm close to their age. But A) I'm older, and B) I have two masters degrees which give me the expertise to teach this class. To be questioned by these punks is infuriating.

The worst part too is that it makes me go into the classroom already braced for a stand off. I try not to let is show if I don't like somebody, but I am sure that the students can tell from my energy and attitude.

They are already asking me to teach another class in the winter, I am just dreading it. Granted when things go well, I enjoy it. I enjoy being in front of people and "performing" well. But I don't like these students, their attitudes, or their apathy at their own learning.

Looking back, What was I thinking??

2009-08-11T11:45:00.001-07:00

So, the Jack Ass got married about a week ago. This is the girl he started dating while (I thought) he was dating me.

In hindsight I realize what dating really is. In hindsight the Jack Ass and I went on a couple of dates, but it never got out of the "friends zone." I had never really done any dating before that because the XX and I had just fallen into a relationship.

Looking back now I kind of wonder what I was thinking. Sure, I am having those sadness pangs of "he picked her" variety. But, when I look at pictures I can't help but think, really? I used to call him "Hot R---"?

I compare that to what I have with MM and realize that I'm not missing anything.

Guilt of the Soulless

2009-07-27T15:46:00.001-07:00

Two weeks ago today I was putting my cat to sleep. I was called at work after I had dropped her off at the vet for exploratory surgery and told that the most humane thing I could do for her was to let her go.

Since then I've cried alot. Any night I wasn't with MM I cried myself to sleep. The only times I wasn't morosely sad was when I was with him. I felt immense sorrow, but also guilt. I keep thinking that I should have done something sooner (though she'd be gone sooner), that I should have spent more time at home with her, that I wasn't a good "mom."

It's said that a cat is the soul of a home. And I felt soulless. I made up errands and spent hours out of the house just so that I wouldn't go home to it empty. Every single time I opened the garage door I would feel my throat swell, and my eyes get wet. By the time I was in the house I headed for the bed and sobbed. I am heart broken with out her.

On saturday I was at my local humane shelter. I'd been going to different ones since tuesday because I found all of the cats comforting. I didn't want to be ready to adopt another one. Adopting another cat would just mean that I didn't love Babette as much as I did. And yet, I left on saturday with two kittens.

Now I feel guilty, not only about abandoning the memory of the cat I had for 13+ years, but I adopted to adorable kittens and not a full grown cat or two who areless likely to be adopted. I always said I was going to find the ugliest, least likely to be taken home cat and adopt him/her after I lost mine. But instead I am taking care of two 1 1/2 pound balls of fluff.

I keep asking myself what I was thinking? What did I get myself into? One has a URI and needs medicine daily and though separated it seems as though the other has caught it because she's sneezing. I fear that I am going to have gotten them only to lose them as well.

Spending time with them keeps me distracted. It gets me going home again. I cleaned the entire kitchen, master suite and den. Not only for them, but because they required so much care that I couldn't go to MM's for the day I had to have him come to me. He was entirely supportive of my grief and let me stay over often. He was gone over the weekend, and I wonder if that didn't have something to do with my spontaneous decision. Ever since our talk and the party at his parents we seem to be closer. Because he was out of town not only did I have the extra time to go looking for a cat, but I was missing the companionship.

But now I have them. Feeling guilty or not, I am responsible for these little guys. I hope that I do right by them.

A Cat Story pt3

2009-07-21T11:36:00.001-07:00

Due to the pervading theory put forth by my mother, that Babette had been abused (most likely by a man) it was forever impossible to discipline or chastise her for fear of traumatizing her further. Consequently, Babette had the run of the house. By this, I mean she was allowed on all of the furniture, the desks, counter tops, tables (including the kitchen) and once in a while managed to make it to the window ledges too.

Babette was a great "helper" around the house, but mostly with paper work. Homework, bills, any thing that involved sitting at the table and writing she wanted in on. Usually this "help" began with laying across the table. Eventually she wanted to be more involved and would pounce on what ever paper work I was working on or just start to shred it with her teeth. This also including laying out sewing patterns - something about the crinkle of tissue paper that was like catnip to her ears. If extensive writing were involved Babette would "help" by taking hold of your pen or pencil. Typically all of this extraordinary usefulness would wear her out and in the end she'd make a fantastic 10 pound paper weight by stretching full length across the work thereby ensuring that a) the work was all finished and b) it wouldn't go anywhere while I succumbed to ear and chin scratching.

Helping mom clean up is hard work for any cat!

Eventually I did have to go off to college. I didn't go more than a 45 minute drive away so I saw Babette some weekends and on every holiday. Though she would curl up with my mom while I was gone, she always new that I was her human and came back to my bed while I was home. At some point when I was away she began becoming more and more of a baby.

Babette was always a little vocal. She spent her first evening in our home meowing into every corner of every room in the house. But when I came home from college she began begging for food too. Not just at the dinner table, where she would reach up to my chair and attempt, by patting my leg, to get you to give her a taste I happened to be eating. It wasn't enough that she had a food tower that kept her bowl perpetually full and a pet drinking fountain that circulated and filtered water, she began wanting to be pet before every meal. I would walk over to her food dish, she would follow and sit right in front of it. For many years this would be enough, but eventually she would sit, look up at me look at the food dish, look at me, and meow a little if I didn't reach down to pet her.

The same went for breakfast as well. Babette was a master at waking me or my mother up in the morning. My mother was a light sleeper and a light touch when it came to taking Babette to the kitchen in the morning, but if I was home I got the added benefit of being woken up at 5am to sound of the my cat tossing things off of my desk or dresser. If that didn't work she would find something noisy (like a bag or piece of paper) and beginning to play with or chew on it. Her last resort was to come right up to the pillow and bop me on the nose with her paw.

I admit there were mornings where I kicked her out of my room (not literally) I just let her outside and then shut the door. I also admit there are only a few times I can remember doing this, because as I say, Babette was a vocal kitty. She could stand outside of a door and cry for hours, especially when she new for a fact that I was on the other side of it. She also knew how to knock.

After a few months of living with us we discovered that Babette had not been spayed. I discovered Babette was in heat when I woke up to a pitiful crying kitty kneading her paws on my chest, as I by virtue of being her human mom could help her. We took her to the vet to be fixed and at the same time my mother had her declawed (I know... not the most humane of options, however, it was be declawed so she didn't ruin my mother's furniture or find her a nice cage at the Humane Society). She ended up staying the vets for a full weekend. We dropped her off on the way out of town to visit my newborn nephew and picked her up on the way home. When we got her back her little front paws were kind of sore. She had dissolving stitches so we didn't have to take her back to the vet - but in the mean time she developed the habit of sitting in Statue pose with one paw held up. She would periodically switch which paw, but it was a habit she held with varying frequency the rest of her life. But in this way she also learned how to knock on a door, or even push one open if she needed to get to me.

A Cat Story pt 2

2009-07-15T12:21:00.001-07:00

When she was first found this kitten didn't seem like an abandoned animal. She was clean and well fed (no bones sticking out) and her claws were clipped. My mother was convinced that someone was missing this cat. For the next week we placed ads in local papers and walked around neighborhoods near the school asking if people were missing or knew of someone missing a small gray cat. After awhile we stopped knocking on doors, and the ads were never answered. My mother had to concede that she was not stealing anyone's beloved pet and she was welcome to become our beloved pet.

We needed to settle on a name for her. I was leaning toward something romantic and knightly like Galahad before getting to know her and realizing that she was an exceptionally prissy cat. Maybe it was her finicky eating habits, or the dainty way she held her tail as she ran, but there was something that was girlish she needed an appropriate name. I toyed with Genivieve and Guieniver, even Precious crossed my mind. But shortly after adopting her a friend and I went to see the stage production of Beauty and the Beast based on the Disney cartoon. In watching the charming romance between Lumiere, the candalabra, and the sexy feather duster, I came up with my new cat's name. Babette. In one word it summed up her sweet yet exacting nature (and it shortens to "Baby" perfectly).

My mother decided that Babette had been fouly abused as a kitten before being abandoned on high school property. The favorite imagined scenario was that some husband or boyfriend took a disliking to the cat and got rid of her before coming home and comforting his sad significant other. Our only evidence of this was Babette's extreme misandry. The moment she sniffed out a human male in the vicinity she turned into a hissing spitting growling force of nature.

If she hated any man in particular it would have been my father. To this day I can't tell you why because he did nothing to harm her, and had always been a cat person himself. His only comfort was that while she hated him, he was not alone in her contempt. My brothers were no exception. Even visiting men like dates were not immune. As she got older she became slightly more tolerant and by tolerant I mean she would approach a person, let them pet her, sniff them and if that whiff of human pheramone was male she hissed, growled, swatted and if pressed, bit. Sometimes I wondered if she didn't enjoy lulling them into a false sense of security with her big green eyes and soft fur.

"You have to come closer so I can smell you!"
the baby Babette

The only exception I ever witnessed to her hatred of men was my mother's second husband. She seemed to accept him into our family almost immediately. Perhaps because my parents divorced the summer before I went to study abroad, for 2 years my mother lived in our large suburban home alone with Babette. I can only imagine that Babette not only liked having a second warm body to snuggle between when I was not at home, but she knew that my mom needed more than feline companionship and wasn't going to stand in the way.

A Cat Story Pt 1

2009-07-14T10:48:00.000-07:00

Just over fourteen years ago a young cat was abandoned at my high school during a soccer game. She was found in the equipment shed the next morning. She was fed, clean, and claws clipped. An announcement was made during second hour (Junior year English - American Lit) asking for the owner to claim the kitten and take her home. No one came forward. The next announcement came asking for interested students who would like to adopt the cat to obtain parents permission first and to collect her at the end of the day.

My mother has always been allergic to cats, although we did have them when I was very young. Once the last one died before I was six we didn't have anymore. I have always been a cat lover. At lunch time with the instance of my friends that I "needed" a cat and with out ever laying eyes on this one, from a pay phone I called my mother at work telling the front office that it was emergency. I told her that it would be sent to the humane society and put to sleep if someone didn't take it home. I was given permission to put my name at the very bottom of the list of volunteers and if no one else could possibly take this cat, then and only then could it come home with me.

All day I waited to find out what would happen. Then at the end of the day while I was waiting for my ride in the "homework room" (the after hours waiting area for those of us unlucky enough to drive our own cars, but not unfortunate enough to take the bus) I was called to the library (of all places) to get the cat.

It turned out that after the last bell my friends stood at strategic points outside of the school office and told all of the inquiring kids that I was already taking the cat home with me. In that way I ended up moving quickly to the top of the list.

The "kitten" that they had described on the phone ended up being a 6 month old cat. A common american short hair cat, grey striped, and very vocal. She wandered all over the library meowing at just about everything.

Prime real estate for chasing balls down the hallway or grabbing ankles.

We put her food and litter in the laundry room. (Later her food was moved to the kitchen so she could eat with us). That night my parents had plans to go out, I was supposed to go to a church meeting, but was told that I had to stay home with the cat. She spent a good portion of the after noon wandering around the house calling (for who I don't know - another cat, her old owners, who knows). That night I lay on the couch reading and she stretched herself across my tummy - a position she never again adopted.

After the first few days she figured out where the litter box was, stopped having accidents on the way there, and stopped sleeping on top of the dryer in the laundry room. She quickly took to sleeping on my bed at the foot or in the crook of my knees a habit she kept for the next fourteen years.

A "NO" by any other means is still a "NO"

2009-07-09T11:11:00.001-07:00

Two weeks after interviewing for a full time job at another campus of where I already work and not hearing anything I emailed them. I know that I should have called last week, but I got to worked up about it.

Anyway, they don't want me. But said that I could apply to any other positions.... umm... if I'm not mistaken that was the only one open. Unless she's trying to tell me that she's leaving soon... but if she didn't want to hire me to work under her so....

I'm just saying, it's one thing to be polite and encouraging and it's another to encourage some to do the impossible.... like apply for non existent jobs.

"The time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk of many things"

2009-07-01T15:05:00.000-07:00

MM and I finally had our talk.

He invited me to his family's party and then I found out that he was leaving early and riding down on his motorcycle. I found all of this out as we were sitting with friends of his. MM offered to come back the night before the party and pick me up. What he didn't tell me was that the night before is "guys" night w/ his dad, his dad's friends, and his friends drinking and smoking cigars.

Eventually we came up with the plan that he would ride down on his motorcycle early in the week and then I would drive his truck down to his parents so that he could load it up with stuff. The same day we decide this he talks to his mom who didn't realize MM was planning on coming down so early in the week and had assumed that since he had class Wed nights he wouldn't be down until the Thursday before. That night after we had figured things out and then he talks to his mom, MM tells me that he has decided to take the motorcycle down on Tuesday, come back for class on Wed and then take the truck himself on Thursday. At which point I got severely ticked off.

Now, obviously, whatever I drive there and back I am driving alone, so what's the big deal if it's his truck or my car. It's not the gas 'cuz I'd fill his truck myself anyway. It might be the miles on my car, but I doubt it. MM made this point - I was not upset about the car so what was I so upset about?

I was upset that he invited me in a manner that suggested I was a guest like no other, never told me that I was not going with him (until I commented on his remark to his friend), and then didn't seem to care that we made a plan that I was finally happy with. I'm pissed with him for buying a new climbing harness for a trip to South America with his guy friends over his birthday, but hasn't bothered to get a second helmet for me to ride his motorcycle with him. I told him that I was feeling like an afterthought. Like I was not really at all important to him.

Our talk started off with him apologizing and saying he'd try harder. But he also said that he was intentionally keeping me at arms length. He says he can't make me any promises. I was pretty upset, not because I'm expecting a ring and marriage (or even want that right now), but because the way he said that makes me wonder if he plans on ever getting close to me and allowing me to get close to him. He talked about my "timeline" saying that he understands of if it doesn't match his. Huh? did my boyfriend just say he'd understand if I wanted to break up with him because he wants to move slower?

Nothing got resolved. I cried some. Asked alot of questions. I woke up the next morning feeling like shit. I still can't figure it out. He's asked me to come to this family party, he told me he would try harder to make me not feel like an after thought. He said he was sorry about his thoughtless comment re: you should look for jobs out of state. I have to get better about speaking up - I should have said something right then, but thought his comment was symptomatic of something bigger. And yet he said more than once that he is keeping me at arms length on purpose because of his past and because he gets too close to people too quickly.

I asked him how he feels about me which was "I care about you" and then a whole load of compliments. I also asked him if this was a serious relationship for him and he said yes, but again he couldn't guarantee me anything. He said he's not dating anyone else, but I already knew that and it doesn't really mean anything to me at this point anyway. Just because he's not dating someone else doesn't mean that I'm not just a weigh station before finding someone he does want to make promises too. Although he claims to not be 'broken' when I said that I didn't want to be the girl that fixes him for someone else, despite the fact that he blames this 'arms length' on being burned in the past.

So all that was really accomplished is that my suspicions were confirmed. He has a toe in the water, but isn't ready to get wet.

The only question is how long do I spend waiting him out before finally giving up?

Insomnia

2009-06-18T08:13:00.000-07:00

So, I was unable to sleep last night. I was trying to make a dent organizing my bedroom after coming home from the movies (17 Again = way funnier than I thought it would be) and ended up going to bed at midnight even though I knew I had to be up at 6:45 (7:15 after multiple snoozes). MM had called me at 10:40 to see if I would come over, since he's pretty booked over the weekend. He said that if I come to his families party I'd probably meet his brother. Once again he said, IF I come. When he invited me he said this too. "IF you come you might want to bring support." I'm beginning to wonder if he wants me there at all. I don't want to go if he's going to drop me off at this party and say "see you later, have fun." I know he'll have to play "host" considering his family is throwing the thing, but I would think I'd see him some time during the day/night. I keep thinking that I won't take anyone. I mean the person I bring, won't know anyone but me so then I'd be playing babysitter. And if I have a friend I'll be less likely to try to mingle with his friends and family. So in an effort to force myself to be friendly I think I'm going to brave it alone. In preparation for this I checked out "How to win friends and influence people" from the library. (Yeah, I'm a dork)

Between this and the fact that I was notified that the recent job I applied for would like to telephone interview me, I was trying organize materials for my adjunct teaching job, and I have a Spanish test on Friday I was very agitated. I went to bed at midnight and tossed until 2:30, I fell asleep sometime after that, only to be woken at 5 by birds outside my window. Then I tossed some more until my alarm went off at 6:15, then 6:45, then 7:15. Finally at 7:30 I heard my mother banging around in the kitchen and I knew I'd be late to work.

I am thinking I am going to call in sick at my second job today. I can't see teaching people to dance and trying to be perky during aerobics when all I want to do is lie down and sleep. I know when I don't eat before teaching I have a tendency to get irritated with my students if they don't listen or take too long to grasp something. On the other hand I really want to work out. I have managed to come down a few pounds from the weight I gained this fall, but it's not down where I was last summer. I really want to loose at least 5 more pounds if not 8 or 10. But I can't do that if I don't work out. If I could stop stopping at Dunkin' Donuts for an Egg & cheese sandwich on tuesdays and thursdays I'd lose it too. I manged to go with out last week and this tuesday, but today I left so late and I needed to eat breakfast at least.

I have a stack of clothes from last summer that I can't fit into currently - or at least I don't think that I look good stuffing myself into them. I am terribly concerned about impressing MM's friends and family. Now that he's so aware of how they felt about his X (his father said "I told you so" when it didn't work out), he might listen a little more to them which means, they need to like me.

Weekend Away

2009-06-16T06:42:00.000-07:00

A friend of MM's got married over the weekend. They were college friends - she belonged to a sorority that his fraternity often hung out/partied etc with - contrary to most assumptions they never dated. But they were such good friends that the family considers MM one of their own.

It was a little awkward at first considering everyone he knew was in the wedding party or family. The reception was fairly casual (but still extremely nice) and there were no assigned seats and we literally had no one to sit with. We got lost between our hotel and the reception and got there late. We ended up sitting with some of the bride's co-workers who were from out of town and didn't know anyone else. They were very friendly.

The food was not great for me. Being a vegetarian my choices were salad, over done vegetables, rolls, and dessert. Everyone else got potatoes (w/ bacon), chicken and beef tips. I'm kind of surprised that I didn't get more drunk considering how little I ate at dinner.

MM and I got up to dance the first song after the bridal dances were done - apparently we dance well together :) because the next time I went for a drink both bartenders were talking about what a good dancer I was. After that people really watched us on the dance floor. At one point MM made us sit down because the mother of the bride was telling her daughter to move out of the way so she could watch us (oops!). I even went up to an older family member (I believe on the groom's side) and asked him to dance, because he looked like he knew what he was doing. MM took that opportunity to go back to the bar. The bartender was even more impressed. From then I got totally hooked up on drinks. He totally over poured and added extra shots to my drinks.

While chatting to the bride's father about 1/2 way through the evening, MM invited the family (including bride and groom) to the MM family's big summer party. I was wondering if I'd get invited or if he'd make some excuse for not wanting to bring me because apparently it's his whole family, plus about 400 guests. A little while later he did invite me. Said his parents send an actual invite which he just got. MM said he'd love for me to come, but that I might want to bring a friend because he won't be available the whole time. That reads to me - "I want you to come, but I don't want to babysit you the whole time." He said I could hang out with his friends but that I Still want to bring "support." Apparently this is from prior experience, but I'm guessing the evil x probably gave him hell for not spending every minute with her.

When the reception was winding down we were chatting to the family. The mother of the bride told MM that I was winner and he better hang on to me :)! MM confided that in private they were talking and the mother admitted that she thought his x was a hag.

In between the wedding and reception we went to have a light lunch and check into our hotel. We talked a little about how I don't like hearing about the evil x. I rarely mention my exes to MM. If I do I use the very vague "friend" reference. I told him that I don't like thinking about him with other girls, so why would I want to put that image in his head about me.

What I really want to tell him is that when he talks about her I wonder 3 things...
1) if we end up exes will he speak badly of me to the next girl? What doesn't seem bad now might later on.
2) if he's really over her? Sure he ended the relationship because she was crazy, jealous, and overly materialistic (she didn't think her ring was big enough to impress anyone). But maybe he's not over the fact that this person he loved let him down in someway.
and 3)it just reminds me that he loved someone enough to ask her to marry him (even though he didn't go through with it) and I'm not 100% sure how he feels about me.

We danced at the reception to "More than Words" and another song I can't remember right now, but it also had the words I love you in it. He sang along. Now, I'm not going so far as to think he was saying "I love you," but it'd be as close as either of us have gotten. When he's busy he can go a few days with out calling. But if he has a particularly bad day he'll usually want to see me. He called me "stress free" company during his first set of finals in April.

On Sunday we went to brunch on the river front - which was incredibly pleasant. Funnily we ran into one of his co-workers even though we were out of town. We came home watched High Fidelity. Then he did homework and I went dancing.

All in all it was a fun weekend. I especially liked that I got his friend's family's approval just because I was reasonably friendly and a good dancer.

Kismet

2009-06-09T09:39:00.000-07:00

It’s hard for me to believe in the idea that everything happens for a reason, that certain things/ events are just meant to be. Particularly because I have a hard time believing that there is a omniscient puppet master in the sky. I believe in free will not predestination. But recent occurrences in my life are starting to at least make me at least believe in serendipity.
MM went to live and work in Europe. He was supposed to be there for three years. After three months he decides to come back and propose to his girlfriend. Eventually he decides that he can’t marry her and they break up. His company doesn’t send him back to Europe.

Fast forward to OG’s birthday week: I don’t want to go out with her that Thursday and I know that if it were any other occasion I could probably bail on her, but not her birthday. So I go looking for a quiet night and end up meeting MM. Only the second guy I’ve met in a bar who’s phone calls I actually took, and the very first that I actually went on a date with. If he hadn't of come back for the awful x, or if I had decided to stay home and watch the VP candidate debates, we never would've met.

I recently applied for a job at my alma mater – a very big, very good, very famous university – knowing that I didn’t have a very good chance of getting the job there. But I managed to get my hopes up, forgetting that they would probably have hundreds of applicants. And I was rejected.

Yesterday I come to work and our clerk tells me that another campus of our College is hiring a full time position. They had just had a position open a few months ago, but I hadn’t been working here long enough to feel comfortable going for it. Now it’s been opened externally as well. Again, there will be a lot of applicants, but there is the added bonus of already working for the college.

I hate to get my hopes up again. But the deadline for the application is this Monday. My boss is coming in today (after a long weekend – gone fri and mon) and I need to talk to her about the possibility of me applying for this job. I’ve only been here for 9 months and when I applied I said I wanted a part-time position so that I could balance it with other things and opportunities. I have too, besides my dancing (which sadly has declined) I managed to teach English, aerobics, and dance and learn Spanish. That is going to be one of the down sides to leaving here. The upside being not having to drive around all the time. Another downside is that that my interests are really in line with my duties here and I don’t know if that will be the case at the new campus. But I really want to cut my commute and get my own place. I have been living at my mother’s house since the April 2008 (5 months after I left my previous job). Now, she’s telling me there is the possibility of my aunt selling her house and moving in with us. My mother’s husband already gives the vibe of not approving of my nights away; my aunt is super conservative (my step-dad is not) and won’t keep her mouth shut on that topic.

\I turned 30 this year. I need to get out on my own. I want to live by myself. I want to decorate my own space. :::sigh::: the boss should be here soon and I am suddenly getting very nervous.

Going through the Emotions

2009-06-07T18:18:00.000-07:00

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm not happier outside of a relationship than in one.

Now, I know this wasn't true in college, because I was extremely depressed and had never been in a relationship. But in the past few years, I remember the time between the X and MM, even if you want to count NG (although not really a relationship). I just have this happy when I'm with him, miserable when I'm not mentality. It's almost bi-polar.

Although, I did have a small fight with MM recently. We were in the shower a week ago before going to breakfast and we got to talking about me being a vegetarian and how I'm not down with the dairy industry either. Neither of these things are news to him. But he was teasing me about believing propaganda because I had told him one of the reasons I dislike dairy and wish to give up cheese is because dairy cows are repeatedly artificially inseminated in order to continue milk production. Their bodies are over taxed and what nutrients they do consume goes into their milk and the growing calf. A normal cow's life span would be 20-25 years, but on a dairy farm (the factory farm - not the personal kind) it lives 3-5. He also had bones about the word "inhumane" and what it really means. (He claims that like woman a cow will continue to make milk as long as it is milked, but sadly that's not true)

I eventually got fed up - for one thing he was wrong which is proved by a non-animal rights agricultural article and the dictionary - for another I was tired, still wobbly from morning sex, with very low blood sugar (having not eaten since dinner the night before), and if I'm being totally honest, probably a little hormonal. At any rate, I got fed up, turned my back to him, turned the water off said I'm done and that he needed to get out, stop talking to me and leave me alone. I actually started to cry when he wouldn't leave me alone.

Now, he felt bad. He was teasing - although, I think that stems from deep repressed lack of respect for my vegetarian stance - he says that he does respect me, but that he's still going to push my buttons. And he says he'll still try to get me to eat meat. And he did apologize and tell me that I need to just smack him in the face and tell him to shut it when he goes to far.

The previous day we had been to the video store to get movies, I suggested "Holiday" (with Kate Winslet and Jack Black) and he did pick it up, then said that he thought he already owned it. But I had never seen it. Turns out his x has it - borrowed and never returned - and that he had bought it for the same reason - she wanted to see it. So I put it back. He said not to get worked up that everyone has a past. Again, I wasn't thinking clearly or I would have come up with a quick witted comment (like, and they need to stay there). Instead I just looked like I was being stupidly jealous.

Today he went with me too a bbq - he was the buffer for awkwardness that I really needed - on the way home we passed a ridiculously expensive restaurant. One that costs about $150-200 per person when you're done. He said he'd been there because he'd gotten tasting tickets for $125 that came with wine pairings. I had a feeling that this was going to end up being an x story. I was right. He prefaces with: I know you don't like stories with the x, but this is one you might like. (huh? what part of this am I supposed to like? Just because in it she acts like a jealous bitch (knew that already) and the punch line is that other people tell him that he can do better and the ladies love him. The funny part is he's told me this story before!

I don't know, I'm starting to amass a list of "need to talk about with MM" topics. He makes it seem like it's no big deal to talk about x's. He thinks it's silly to change an X into a "friend" in stories you tell your new SO. I personally think it makes a lot of sense. First of all what is the difference if a character in your story is the friend or the gf? Does it change the information I learn about you? Sure, it doesn't work in the "you can do better" story, but for the most part does it matter if a friend or boyfriend tried to teach to play golf - the point of the story is that I have a set of seldom used clubs and it would be fun to go out and give it another try. This is not what I said at the time.

He hasn't been calling me as much during the week as he used to. Once he asked why I hadn't called him, and I said that as the girl it wasn't my job. He said that it's a two way street. Once again I didn't say what I wanted to - mostly because I can't think of these things at the time.

I don't understand why my brain will not work when I am around him.

I am also getting a little worried about my moods. Generally my PMS doesn't start a whole week before my period. Generally when I've been on the pill I never really got PMS. I never used to notice PMS at all really. Until recently anyway. Now I just feel miserable. Not crampy, bloated miserable - but mood-wise. My freebie state insurance for women (since I don't get any work benefits) will not give me another check up until September. So in the meantime I'm stuck with these mood swings that I don't understand at all.

Ignorance is bliss

2009-05-25T09:07:00.000-07:00

MM and I are going strong. Although, I have yet to have "the talk" with him. I seem to do well and accept our relationship as is for a couple of months and then freak out for a few weeks.

We went on a double date with OG and her boyfriend. We went to a restaurant that has dancing - the same place that J works. But I haven't laid eyes on J or had a conversation longer than "can you do a lesson this weekend? Good I'll mail you a check." About half way there MM and I start talking about jobs.

I work part time at a private college, and I also teach two fitness classes at a gym. If you don't count commuting I work 35 hours a week. Although with the drive I sometimes end up with 12 hour days. I also take a language class for four hours once a week. But my shift at the college is only 6 1/2 hours long (w/ lunch). MM works a 40+ hour week and goes to school twice a week for his MBA. Needless to say he's a bit sarcastic about my "difficult" schedule.

Getting a full time job in my field, however, is not easy. My state has one of the worst unemployment rates in the country, and there are two universities with in 40 miles of each other pumping out graduates in my profession. There is another school one state over and a fourth two states over. Funding is being cut at a ridiculous rate for my field, making it economical to hire part-time workers to save the cost of benefits.

Anyway - in defending my part time work situation to MM a few weeks ago, I mentioned this current hiring environment. To which he says, that if I need to look out of state for a job then I decide where I want to live and start applying for jobs.

Hmmm... did I miss something or did my boyfriend just tell me to leave town?

The evening was pretty much a bust, but I really couldn't bring myself to tell him why. MM accuses me of being passive aggressive, although I think I was the first person to mention it because when he came back from his New Years jaunt, I turned my phone off. But the more I consider it, the more I realize, I'm not passive aggressive, so much as I'm terrified of talking about my emotions. Or at least my "bad" ones. I am more than willing to tell him how happy I am, but the minute I'm unhappy I clam up and wait for the feeling to pass.

I know exactly why I do it too. Pretending that everything is wonderful is exactly what I grew up learning to do. No matter how much my parents fought, or my siblings and I fought, no matter what kind of trouble we got into at home, we were always the happy family with no problems of any kind. I heard on more than one occasion from my mother when we were out together that my siblings and I had "never caused me a day of grief in my life." Now maybe that's just a mother's hyperbole because my mother loved us. But it was an impossible standard to live up to and all it taught is is that everyone must see a perfect family regardless of what else was going on. Happy feelings were the only ones that mattered and all the others were ignored.

Despite the fact that my rational brain is screaming to share to tell him what is wrong so that it can be fixed. I am sure that he didn't literally mean to leave and get a job elsewhere so much as being supportive. He knows my part-time job is a dead end job with no potential for upward mobility. But I can't do it. The fear that there is even a small possibility that MM doesn't consider this relationship a long term one with real commitment possibilities just overwhelms me. If I don't ask, if I don't say, it hurts to me think that you wouldn't mind if I left town, or to say you know, I'm not really sure how you feel about me, then I can't hear the answer I don't want. If I never hear the answer I don't want then I can pretend that everything is okay.
I just know from previous experience with the X and the XX that I am more than likely blissfully waiting around to get my heart broken.

Wants list

2009-03-10T11:37:00.000-07:00

Other than being his girlfriend, I want:

To cook more meals with him

To stay in on a weekend DAY and play games or watch TV

Spend to days or nights in a row together

Go to a wine tasting

Take a cooking class

Play a game of scrabble

Meet his family

Have him meet mine

Go home with him for Fourth of July

Meet more of his friends

Have him come to one of my shows

Tell him I love him

Find out when and why he didn't marry his X

Find out what he's doing for my birthday

Cowardly Lion

2009-03-10T10:54:00.000-07:00

So a month later and I am still in the same boat. I had wanted to have some kind of "talk" with MM about our relationship. I just can't help thinking that I will hear something I don't want.

Our Valentine's great. He got me flowers and tickets to the theater, I got him booze. We cooked together, we ate, played a game, made love your typical V-day date.

The week after that we went to the theater. It was a fun time. I had found vintage looking dress and looked so good we had an impromptu photo shoot at the end of the night. He's going to try to make them look antique-y. I haven't seen them yet, although a few days later he texted me saying that I looked "stunning" in them.

He left for a long weekend over his spring break, came back for one night, and left on a business trip the next day. The night he was home we were supposed to hang and at the last minute he invited me to meet his bosses (the owner of his company and the head of the North American division - it's a small company even tho it's international). We went to a jazz club and had a drink with them. I mostly talked to the owner, and tried to be charming and appropriately flirtatious.

We went out when he got back on Friday to see a late show of The Watchmen and soaked in the hottub with OG afterwards. In the morning we had breakfast at a local diner. He spent the day watching movies and I went home to do laundry etc. I had a show that night and invited him (against my better judgment knowing he'd say no). He called asking how upset I'd be if he didn't come. I basically said that I invited him knowing full well that he wouldn't come. I was supposed to have a show the saturday he went for spring break. I had set it up especially so he could come and asked him well in advanced to put it on his calendar. But on Valentine's Day he asked if he could miss it because he wanted to visit this friend over spring break who had just had colon cancer surgery. The fact that he wouldn't come out this saturday because of the drive was extremely disapointing. I told him I'd eventually stop inviting him, and he replied not to give up on him yet.

The problem is that I am starting to give up. As much as I want to have this be a real relationship I have absolutely no clue how he feels. Since then I have not heard from him (it's tuesday) other than 3 lines of FB chat that I initiated and one text that I also initiated. Isn't he supposed to be calling me if he's thinking about me?

I had hoped to ask him to come out with my brother and sister-in-law this weekend, but if he doesn't call me I don't see how that's going to be possible. I know that I have to stop driving myself crazy trying to figure this guy out. I know that I can't just let go and let it take it's course. I keep trying to figure out ways of having the relationship talk ways of bringing it up and have yet to be able to do it. I've missed at least two good opportunities.

There are things I was looking forward to doing with him which is one of the reasons I keep waiting, but I find myself getting more and more emotional about it. I chicken out sometimes because I am afraid of the answer. I don't want to break up with him. But I can't make myself an emotional wreck either. I keep hoping that with time he'll make it clear to me and I'm afraid that he is with his apathy. I realized last night when I was thinking about our early dates, that he probably already has told me. On our second date I went over to his place and he made dinner we watched some tv and made out. He said that we'd go as far as I wanted but he'd try to get me into bed. At one point I made a joke that I wouldn't want to do anything that wouldn't make me respect him in the morning. And he said, if you don't respect me in the morning or ever call me again that'd be okay (or something to that effect). I didn't sleep with him for a couple of more weeks, but the point is what if that is the reality of the situation? What if even 5 months later, I'm just a fun girl to hang out with and have sex with? What if I ask to be his girlfriend and he says no?

I bought this card off of Etsy.com I don't know exactly what I'm going to say in it yet. Or if I'll even get to use it really. I really want to have the talk with him now. I am supposed to be near his place to study with OG (I'm taking a foreign language class this semester instead of teaching). I am hoping that he calls me today so that I can go over there after studying and over a glass of wine simply ask him "How do you feel about me?" to try to get the ball rolling. I just get really nervous when I think about it.

Freak Out

2009-02-12T06:43:00.000-08:00

MM and I have been going out for four months. OG has twice now called him my boyfriend which has garnered her a couple of odd looks and his facebook page (which he joined 2 months after we started dating) lists his status as "single."

Last night we were talking and it came out that he's been engaged before. He still has the ring. He was living abroad, picked it out (spent quite a while finding it apparently), and cut his stay short to come back for her.

Now, obviously he's not with her. But, I had been wondering why he keeps mentioning his ex. Usually in a this-is-why-it-didn't-work-out kind of a way, although once in a while he'd throw out some strange detail. I have never met anyone who talked about exes or an ex except in passing. The X did some, but I swear every second or 3rd date MM says, "you know how I know that? The ex" or "and the reason it didn't work out with" or once he was mentioning how the ex had known of someone giving away pool table and didn't tell him about it because he would've wanted it.

So I am now freaking out. It's been four months and he's not owning up to being my boyfriend even though in all his actions he IS my boyfriend. I'm just afraid that I'm on my way to getting hurt.

We have plans for Valentine's Day and the next two weekends, but I am thinking that that may be it. I hate the idea of "games" but I have read He's Just Not That Into You (saw the movie too). And I think it's pretty clear.

Unsure not insecure

2009-01-16T08:42:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to get a little depressed about my MM situation. I haven't seen him more than a week. He has been good about calling every couple of days. This is the second weekend in a row that he hasn't asked me what my plans are even though he did call to say hi on Wednesday.

Last weekend I had to go out of town. I was pretty sure I had told him that I was leaving on Friday. He called on Friday and seemed surprised that I was out of town. A) I said I was leaving and B) It was Friday. Either he wanted to go out at the last minute or he was just calling to say hi on a Friday night. We did end up talking for awhile. Then on Saturday as I attempted to drive home through a snowstorm he called again to see if I'd gotten in okay or stopped to wait out the storm. That I did think was pretty nice.

But the weekend is here again and nothing from him.

I see this petering out. If he doesn't get his act together and start making plans with me ahead of time I'm going to have to move on.

I would love to chalk it up to him thinking I've been wooed and he doesn't need to do anything anymore. But he recently joined Facebook and he's listed as Single. If he's still single then I'm still single and he better start re-wooing or he's not going to have somebody to woo at all.

Valentine's Day is in less than a month. I've had multiple invites to go out of town for a dancing event. I was putting it off because I figured that MM and I would be pretty close by now. But it seems like we're farther apart than ever. I'm considering going away for V-Day. Unless he makes some kind of effort between now and then. I don't see this happening.

I feel like I shoulder some blame. The last time I saw him was last week. He texted me while I was at a friend's house not far from him. So I called back and when he knew where I was asked if I wanted to sleep at his place instead of going home. And the time I saw him before NYE he called me early Sunday hoping to see me, but I already had plans so I went over afterward. Other than the after-NYE make up date, we haven't had a real date in awhile. I hate to think I've become a glorified booty-call.

I'm not going to break up with him, but I'm beginning to think he's not going to end up my boyfriend either.

And then I begin to think he might really care

2009-01-07T08:50:00.000-08:00

So, even before I went out with MM last night I had decided against having the "serious" talk with him. Not because I wanted to get him serious but because I wanted to know if he thought we were serious or not. But either way, I thought it might scare him off if he thought this was moving faster than he liked.

He called me after work to double check we could get together, then after he was done at the gym to tell me he was done. I ended up going over there for dinner. He cooked, I made a salad when I got there. In the end it was extremely nice. MM was super touchy and affectionate taking any opportunity when he was near me to give me a kiss, or a hug, or just touch me as he moved from one end of the kitchen to the other.

He chatted about his trip a little bit. At my new years party there was a guy there who had lived in Germany for about half of his life there, another very good friend of mine went there to learn the language, and her ex was born there. But we never really brought up the argument again. It was nice to talk to him about his experiences there since they are important to him.

We both had to work today and be up early so he had said that I could bring clothes over so that I wouldn't have to get up so early and leave. That, and he gave me a toothbrush. When we went to bed he apologized again for being in-communicado.

All in all it was really sweet the little ways he tried to make it up to me, without saying, I'm trying to make this up to you.

In the morning we overslept and left together, only to discover that I had locked my keys in my car the night before. Someone in the same parking garage had a flat tire so we asked the towing guy if he could also open up my car. Which he did about 1/2 an hour later. I was an hour late to work, but MM stayed with me, let me sit in his car w/ the heat on, bought me a coffee and paid the guy for opening my door.

And instead of putting me in a bad mood for the morning it has made me super-duper happy.

gibt es etwas über mich?

2009-01-05T09:52:00.000-08:00

I really want to know what about me tells guys to go ahead and walk all over me? Or perhaps I just put my feelings on the line to much, too quickly, too easily.

Things had been going really well with Martini Man. In early December he even came to my office Holiday Party. We exchanged gifts at X-mas (although that was mostly up to me because at thanksgiving I came across a great gift and had to get it for him). But then he tells me he's going to be out of town for New Years Eve. He had planned with his buddies a trip to New York City. I was understandably bummed. I thought we had made it to the boyfriend/girlfriend stage already. But I'm beginning to re-think that now.

He was out of town for Christmas with his family and came back for one day before going to New York. It was a Sunday, and even though I had a dance to go to, I did see him afterward. Said good bye on Monday when I went to work, with him saying he'd at least call on NYE. I did text him on Tuesday to let him know I was using his X-mas gift (bath salts) to which I got no reply. At one am on NYE I gave up waiting for my phone call. The next morning I did have a Happy New Years text - sent at 3am. Then I never heard from him. He had told me that he'd be back Friday or Saturday, I wasn't really betting on Friday and by Saturday afternoon I turned my telephone off. This is something I never do. I hate the fact that if a call comes in when my phone is off if they don't leave a message I never know they called. But I didn't want to be tempted to constantly check my phone, or pick up just because I missed him. Then at 8 o'clock I went dancing.

At 12:30 I checked and he'd called when he got home: "figured I'd give you a shout and see what you're up to." I was up to ignoring you!!! So I texted back "was out dancing, call me sunday."

Apparently his first clue that I was pissed was my phone going straight to voicemail. He knows I don't like turning my phone off, and apparently my texts come across warmer than the "cold" one I'd sent telling him to call me. I knew he'd have an excuse for why he was unable to call me, but I wasn't expecting the one I got.

He was in Germany.

Yeah, that's right, at the last minute he decided to go to Germany to visit friends there instead of NYC with the buddies he'd originally made the plans with.

I was flabbergasted. He knew he'd screwed up and asked what he could do to make it up to me. But I don't think he got the extent to which I was hurt during his trip.
After we talked on the phone, I still don't think he really got it. I texted him to let him know that I was hurt, that I wanted to feel important to him, and like I could trust him and that he'd basically lied to me and ignored me for a week. The funny thing is, I wouldn't have been as hurt if I'd known he was in Germany, because then I'd have understood why he wasn't calling. I even understand why he'd want to go there. I spent so much time being depressed when I got back from the UK; I would totally would have understood if he'd said, change of plans I'm headed to Germany. I would have said here's my address I want a postcard. He said he was sorry he hurt me and that I shouldn't have to feel that way. I did tell him that I wasn't available to see him that night. I didn't know when he was getting home so I had made weekend plans and I went out dancing Sunday too.

Of course, this opens up a whole new can of worms. It makes me wonder if he even thinks of us as being in a relationship, or if this is just casual dating to him. And if this is something that he does on a normal basis, goes off with out telling people where he's going or calling while he's gone, then maybe deep down he really wants to be single.

So, I'm supposed to see him tomorrow. He starts classes after work tonight for an MBA program. I was so excited about him coming home; I had a back to school surprise him because he hasn't been in classes in at least 5 years. I was even planning on a cute and funny first day of school text, but now I don't want to put my feelings anymore out there until I know what's going on. I know that on Tuesday I'm going to have to have the "relationship" talk with him. I'm petrified that it's going to be a break up talk. I don't want to break up with him, but I don't ever want to go through something like that. Thinking the person you're dating isn't thinking about you? I don't know if boys are just totally clueless or what?

Why is my head on all crooked?

2008-11-15T06:10:00.000-08:00

Big Sigh...

Well, the date I had a month ago with Martini Man went really well. We went out to dinner, and had a couple of drinks afterward. It was pretty simple and for the most part we just talked, but half way through the night my cheeks were hurting from smiling and laughing so much. Thankfully we have the same sense of humor, which is kind of sarcastic and a little on the mean side. We've talked since and gone out a few more times. Our second date he made dinner and tried extremely hard to get into my pants. Our fourth date was a halloween party his friends were throwing. The party was only okay. We spent a lot of the time by ourselves making out before going back to his house at which point I did let him into my pants. I figured I'd go along with the "third date tradition." At the moment he's out of town on business.

The date with Yet Another Dancer went fine, but only fine. He picked me up for dinner, let me pick where we went (I chose Indian, since he said he liked spicy) and then when we were done he took me home. Sadly, our conversation was pretty superficial. The one thing I remember us talking about was pets. I also remember trying not to ogle our waiter who was extremely good looking and in any other circumstance I would have flirted with. YAD even bought me jewelery - a really tacky butterfly pin ('cuz I've somehow turned into the butterfly lady) that I'd never in a million years buy for myself or wear. Flowers on a first date, sure, jewelry ...can we say "trying too hard"? On the way home I told him that while I liked his company I really only liked him as friends at that point. The problem with YAD is that he went from fun and flirty to extremely clingy in a nanosecond. Since he dances he's at 90% of the same places I am. He would not only dance many many songs with me, but he'd look like I'd just kicked his puppy if I told him I was going to go dance with someone else if he asked. Heaven forbid I should go anywhere else, like the bathroom, for more than a few minutes. Inevitably I'd return to the dance floor only to be greeted with, "are you okay? where were you? I was worried when I couldn't find you anywhere." It got so annoying that at one point I answered, "I had to pee. Is that okay with you? I can go pee with out telling you first right?" He texted me once when he couldn't find me. That's when I had to call it quits. He facebook-messaged me after that incident (the texting) because he thought I seemed distant, and didn't we have a good date, a good conversation, blah blah blah. So I messaged him back saying that his actions proved that his feelings for me were way more than mine and I couldn't in good conscience see him anymore. He was confused obviously. On our first date I made it sound like we could go out to see if I developed romantic feelings for him. But I couldn't take the smothering anymore. He still calls on occasion and I haven't mentioned the other guy at all. That was all before Halloween.

The friend of NG overheard me telling someone I'd been on a good date recently (I was asked why I hadn't been to a particular dance venue) and asked me when I was bringing my "boyfriend" out to dance. I noticed that a few days ago NG finally changed his facebook status to "in a relationship" four months after he changed his myspace. Now, maybe I'm just being self centered, but I can't help but think it's more than a coincidence. It's either that, or because NG got past his normal usual 4 month break up point he felt he could change that one too. I got really depressed when I saw that. I was really hoping that he wouldn't make it past the 4 month mark with her. I hate to think that he found someone so quickly after dumping me. Proving how little he cared about me after all.

Even so, I've been thinking about him and the X lately. The X is in a relationship. Their facebook walls are covered with "I miss you" and "I'm so in love with him" messages. Yeah, mostly they're from her, but it's obviously mutual. Of course, my screwed up self has to choose this time to start posting on his wall (w/ my profile pic showing me in my skimpy halloween costume). I did feel kind of bad about it. I don't want him. I made that perfectly clear a year ago. I want him to be happy. So why I am trying to insinuate myself between them? Because that means he's found someone at least as good as me. Even though, I discovered she's in the process of a divorce. As in, not divorced yet. Anyway, I did feel bad so after she posted a particularly cute picture of the two of them - which I can't comment on because I'm not her "friend" but I can see because I'm his, I messaged him saying how good they looked together and that I was happy he was happy.

I did notice that she and I aren't that physically dis-similar - at least the me when I was with him. She's a little curvier (which I was before I lost all the weight after we broke up) she dyed her hair dark since they got together, and she's got the smart girl glasses look going on.

I also find myself really missing MM.It's been a full week and a day since I last talked/texted him. I keep fighting the urge to text him. I've read that book He's Just Not That Into You so many times it's ingrained in my brain "don't call." It's just so hard when I see NG and the X moving on and I want proof that I have too. I want to be able to hold MM up and say, "look, I've got somebody too." Oddly, what I like about us is that we can talk once or twice a week, go out once a week, and then text the rest of the time. He doesn't seem to get jealous with me dancing and I've already disclosed my friendship with DI and that is just a friendship. So I don't know why I should need to cling.

Funny, about DI, before halloween we had a talk about stuff. I got pretty drunk when we were hanging out and one little question ended up in me crying talking about how much I really don't like myself and rejection etc. Apparently, he thought something said indicated that I felt rejected by him. Which wasn't the case, but he brought it up and wanted to make sure that we were on the same page. I appreciated that to no end. He's made a few comments that often have me wondering what his true feelings are. It's not secret that he thinks I'm attractive. I just can't seem to figure out if that means also that he's attracted to me. He thought I was in High School the first time we met and he's 50, so color me confused. But in this conversation he did say that we were really good friends and that we shouldn't mess with something good.

Well that's interesting

2008-10-17T07:54:00.000-07:00

Wednesday I got a text from my Dance Instructor asking if I wanted to see a movie or do something on Thursday night 'cuz his plans fell through. We've done a couple of movie nights on Thursdays and it's a good time; mellow, but good. So I said yeah, and then found out that there was going to be dancing at the casino again that night. The last time I tried to invite him he was reorganizing his home office, but I thought I'd try again. He agreed.

This is the gig that OG and J do together with another couple. I admit that I wanted to bring DI so that I could show off a little bit. I'm sick of feeling like J doesn't respect me as a dancer because he doesn't ask me to perform with him. I figured it'd be a fun night w/ OG and DI and I'd be okay with J.

Then before I start getting ready I get two texts and a voicemail. One text is from B: she's in town and wants to go out. The message was asking me if I was going to the casino to dance because OG told her about it. The other text was from a girl that had been on our team (Yet Another Girl), but quit in the summer obstensibly because of the time commitment, but in reality because she had reached a level where "she was getting anymore out of it." This is the girl who joined the team for the free private lessons, said she had terrible stage fright, and never once smiled during a performance. I made the mistake last weekend when I was out of town and J called desperate for a partner for the saturday (because all of his regulars including OG were out of town) of giving him YAG's number. I was being nice and for once I should have been selfish and said "gee J, I know all the people you do." But I didn't I was nice and I tried to help.

I'm such a moron. Because now he's given her dates for working on the weekends and invited her out to the casino night. When YAG was on the team I got told off by SOG for having an attitude, because I put up a stink about her having a ton of cool moves and being the new girl on the block. So, there was already some jealousy there. I also know now that J is pretty much out to get every girl he can into bed, so I'm sure that has alot to do with his asking her. Which frustrates me even more, because I have advanced a ton in the last few months, and it doesn't mean shit, because I've already slept with him.

I was a little afraid that I'd go out last night and have a miserable time, or end up making DI have a miserable time due to the drama. There was a little drama at one point. YAG forgot to bring shoes and borrowed a pair of mine, which didn't fit and after an hour wanted to get OG's spare pair. J had the keys and instead of giving them to YAG he went with her. They were gone for more than half an hour. And this was when he should have been working. OG was pissed off because he had fucked off and left her there to work alone. OG, B and I made comments about what "picking up a pair of shoes" really meant. So apparently B is catching on about J's proclivities. But for the most part it was a fun night.

Lots of people gave me and DI complements on our dancing. We even did a really slow number where people were lined up at the edge of the dance floor watching us and applauding. It was awesome. I danced one song with J, but we didn't really have the room and for the most part I wanted to be dancing with DI because he's so much better, and yeah then I could show off a little more.

And at the end of the night DI said he had had a great time. I think we are going to make it a monthly night out.

The downside to the whole night, was driving home. Construction made the 20 min trip getting back to my car w/ DI a 45 minute trip. And then as I was driving home I got an agitated call from OG because the ramps to her highway were closed and she was lost. Since I couldn't get straight answer from her about where she was I told her to hang up and call J, he knows the area. I called again in 10 minutes. He had given her directions, but she missed a sign and was in hysterics because she didn't know where she was, she was driving on top streets in an unfamiliar urban area and at one point she had to tell a teenage prostitute that no s/he wasn't getting a ride. At that point, I was pissed, because the conclusion I came to was that obviously J had given her half-assed directions. (It was easy to be mad at him after the YAG drama). I told her to lock her doors, roll up the window and I'd talk to her soon, hung up and called J.

He answered the phone after 4 rings all groggy sounding, but I knew he'd been on the phone with OG a few minutes before. And I said, "do you know that I have OG on the other line, crying her eyes out, w/ homeless people at her window because she's lost in the city. She hasn't slept since yesterday and she's driving on a spare tire," He did say he had just given her directions, but that he'd call her again. I was close to home, but stopped off to fill up my tank, figuring that if I had to I'd go all the way back and find her if I had to. But when I called her again she was on the correct freeway.

Other than that fiasco it was a good night.

When it Rains

2008-10-16T08:20:00.000-07:00

It's odd, but now that I am busier than I have been in a whole year, now when I have no time to introduce new things or people into my life, now is when I have exactly that.

I have two dates this weekend. Two dates, two guys.

OG's birthday was last month and when we went out for a "quiet night" at a martini bar we both ended up getting plastered and dancing at multiple bars. The reason for that--these guys we met at said martini bar. We had noticed one of the guys in the group when he went by us to the bathroom because he was very attractive. Eventually the whole group moved over to a table near OG and I. One was trying to get our attention, but we wanted a quiet night so we ignored him and danced together instead. Mistake, because he was from Puerto Rico and immediately had something in common w/ the latin dancing. Turned out the attractive guy had no personality, but his friend (not the PR) who is not my type in the least (skinny nerdy red head), was so funny and interesting that now I have a date with him.

The second guy is a dancer who I know from about a year and a half ago, but he had a girlfriend and then he stopped dancing for awhile. Well he came back a few months ago, dancing, but with out the girlfriend. Now he's dancing with me non-stop, inviting me out, giving me back rubs, texting me, facebook messaging me and everything else to tell me how much he likes me. Finally over the weekend he came out and asked me to dinner.

So Friday I have a date with the Martini Man, and Sunday with Yet Another Dancer.

Long Time

2008-10-15T13:56:00.000-07:00

I realized that it has been a really long time since I've posted anything. I have a back log of drafts that I started and didn't get to finish before posting. I will try to fill those in sometime soon.

The biggest change is that I'm working again. I had about an 8 month vacation, but I also got to the point where my credit card balance was larger than my bank account. Besides the dance instruction job that I took over from J which is only two hours a week, I took the first job I was offered. An adjunct instructor position at my local community college. I have two master degrees and one is good enough to teach at a community college. I had put my resume in with a different department, but when they became desperate for English instructors my info was forwarded and I got an email.

I started on September 3 teaching two different composition courses. With in a couple of weeks I was also offered a position in my preferred profession, the one I left and was wondering if I'd go back to. I am glad that I took the position. I am glad to be back. I realized it was a mistake to go into the public realm and since returning to academics I'm much happier. It is at a different school than the one I'm currently teaching at. But in someways it's very similar. Instead of a community college it is called a "right to try" college. So they'll take anyone with a high school diploma or the equivalent.

It turns out that the English teaching was a huge mistake also. I don't think that I have gotten a full night's sleep since I started. First it's two different classes so that is twice the preparation time. And since I've never taught these before it takes a long time to prepare. It's Composition I and II. So I have to cover some pretty basic things, grammar, writing well, thesis, intro, conclusion etc. And my Comp I is mostly freshmen. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to comma patients. Honestly, they say they get it, but really they're not listening, not paying attention, not caring and their performance shows it. I've gotten to the point where I'm starting to not care also. Maybe 1/4 of my students are actually trying. They are the same kids that sit up front and try to answer every question. The funny thing is that I don't dislike them as people, just as students.

I've come to realize that I take my intelligence for granted. I don't need to be told three times that a paper needs to be double spaced and still hand it in single spaced. Or take a homework assignment and attempt to do it with out reading the directions. Or just not do an assignment because I don't understand it because I haven't read the directions, or I didn't listen to the instructor explain the directions.

I have a huge stack papers that need to be graded and I just can't make myself get to it. They were turned in last week Wednesday, but I was busy getting ready for a weekend dance trip (3 days and nights of dancing and workshops!) and trying to clean my house for my mother's return home.

I've begun grinding my teeth at night and dreaming about problem students. I am more stressed than I can ever remember being. I was supposed to choose my winter semester classes by today and I just couldn't to it.

My schedule right now is: Mon/Wed 9am to 9:30pm, Tues/Thurs 8:30am to 7:30pm, and Friday 8:30a - 3pm. That doesn't include commuting there and back 1/2 an hour to an hour each way. On top of that I still have dance team practice on thursdays and sundays, my private lessons I do after work on Fridays, group classes on Saturday. I'm drowning in work and my personal goals are suffering.

I was supposed to decide by today what classes I wanted to teach for next semester. I told the chair of my department that none fit my schedule. I just can't take this again in the winter. Instead I'm refocusing on my dancing and I'm going to take two classes instead. It's time to get selfish again for 2009.

I really need something else to do

2008-08-31T13:18:00.000-07:00

I was trolling around facebook today.

I found

1) a photo album of JB's wedding.
2) a friend of J's from the city he visited who is engaged to someone else.

Color me confused

If you're gonna play in the mud

2008-08-30T10:36:00.000-07:00

Went out with OG on Friday. It was either another friday alone at the movies, or going to see her and J dance. So I went with going out with her. I really should have gone to the movies.

I was hanging out at the bar with J's Brother. I think we got on the topic of the labor day weekend and plans. An outdoor festival was my plan, until OG asked me to do the saturday night show with her because J had friends in town and needed the night off. So that became my plan instead. JB then said that yes, this girl that J's dating, his other brother and his girlfriend, and the parents were all coming over to JB's house for the long weekend.

Yep, the girl that J's dating, the one he was picking up from the airport that night, the one that he couldn't bring out on saturday, the one from the same state he visited over the 4th of July weekend, the same one he cheated on two weeks ago by having sex with me.

Now, I remember a good bit of our hot tub conversations, and while I do recall a mention of a girl "I used to date" and a girl "I dated" but I am 100% positive that there was never a mention of a current girlfriend.

OG and I invited JB out for coffee with us when we left. He was going to join us, but half way there calls and says he can't he's got to go pick up J and his "lady friend" at the airport, because J illegally parked and was towed. At which point I responded "wow, what a great impression to make when you're picking up your girlfriend, welcome to The City, oh, I have no car." I was not corrected in the use of the word girlfriend.

Now, the pros of this situation are 1) I can stop thinking J is a kid in a candy store when it comes to sex and women and remind myself that he really is a player, and 2) I will never trust the guy again and 3) will never sleep with the guy again, and 4) can honestly say that my need to perform with him is quickly being engulfed by red hot seething hatred and 5) maybe I'm being cured of my ridiculous obsession.

I try to keep reminding myself, that unlike some people I know (B) I didn't intentionally cheat on anybody. I didn't look at J with a girlfriend and say, I want me some of that. In my mind he wouldn't have slept with me if he was in a relationship, but then I have ethics. I keep forgetting that some people don't. I feel so bad for this girl who flew out for a long weekend with her boyfriend and his family, and has no idea what a douche bag he really is. And the fact that I was put in the situation of having helped hurt her (if she ever finds out) makes me furious.

At the same time, JB continues to pursue me. He was asking OG if he was my type. He asked me if I had dated his brother (hmm...date? not exactly). Of course knowing his brother, he's got to know what "kinda sorta" really means. The sad part is, his brother is extremely nice. I've heard of these stories (like the airport) where he helps out J so many times. But I'm afraid I'd only go out with him to upset J. Three days ago I would have said to make J jealous, but now I know better. J did take JB aside and told him to stop flirting with me and OG. Except, deep down I know I'm a good person and I'd never do that to a nice guy.

Groupie

2008-08-22T15:06:00.000-07:00

There was a dance night at a local casino last night. I went knowing some other dancers were also going to be there. OG, J, and another couple were performing there as well. J got the job and it was for two couples so he invited his other dance partner, and another guy. They were there to dance on the dance floor to get people interested and then to dance with other people to. So it was more interactive and not a straight performance.

The night started pretty fun. There were dancers there. During some of the club music there weren't many people dancing so I got to do a samba with J. But later the band wasn't great. They played some really bad songs right when OG, J and the other two went to take their break and change. Which meant there was almost nobody dancing. Most of the real dancers left at that point. When the band took a break they started playing clubbing music and there were alot more people on the floor - which was fun for all of three songs.

When the band came back I mostly got to stand around. I ended up with two dances, one with J and one with the other performer. Then both me and my ride wanted to go. So we left. We ended up leaving the same time as OG, J and the other couple. We were waiting for an elevator when J invited us to continue partying - apparently the casino gave them hotel rooms to change in and somehow got to keep them for the night. My ride didn't want to, but I ended up staying 'cuz OG said she'd give me a ride home.

The plan was to eat drink, and maybe go back to OG's for the hottub, or just drink in one of the rooms. But J had forgotten a dr. appointment he had at 8am. So we ended up just getting food. The other guy called it a night before the food even, so it was just J and three girls. The other dance partner was quite nice. The two of them are obviously good friends. Turns out they work at a dance studio together.

But at the beginning and the very end of the night talk was on performing. The casino wants to repeat the night once a month, but the night starts before the other dance partner gets off of work at the studio. J just said she's have to be all hooched out and ready to go and just be half an hour late. At the end of the evening he was setting up dates for them to perform with him, and it was very awkward feeling. Here I am dying to do more shows of any kind and he'd rather have this girl show up late than ask me to do it.

So I'm sitting there feeling like a stupid wannabe. It's like the groupies that can't be musicians so they just hang around them all the time. That's me. Since nobody actually wants to perform with me I guess I'll just sit next to the real performers and seethe inwardly with jealousy.

An Interesting evening part 2 What happens in the hot tub stays in the hot tub

2008-08-16T12:13:00.000-07:00

We pinky swore, so I can't reveal what others said, but I can talk about the crazy hours in the hot tub, and the crazy hours after the hot tub.

If I can figure out where to begin.

We got in the hot tub - OG lent me a swim suit, she had another, and J went commando. That in itself would have been a decent end to the night, but it kept getting more and more surreal. OG took her top off, so I did too. Then she got us wine, and after the wine tequila. And we started playing a weird game of truth.

Like I said we pinky swore that what was said that night would stay there, but I think I safely share a couple of tidbits. I was kind of surprised that J's craziest moment was actually a time that we were together. I actually admitted to starving myself when J asked for something no one else knows. It was really illuminating for me to hang out with J like that. To hear from him all of these different sex-capades. I always figured he was a player, but now I realize he's just a slut.

We eventually got way to warm in the hot tub, got out and started dancing on the patio. J, naked, and us topless. Eventually J and I ended up making out and OG left us to it. Needless to say we ended up doing it on her patio. I can't believe how much of I have missed being with him, sexually I mean. The only weird thing was J wanting OG to watch. I think he wanted her to take of care herself while we did it. But she wasn't having any of that and went inside until we were done.

We got back in the hot tub for a bit, but it was getting light out and OG was afraid her parents would get up so, we got out and went to breakfast. We were a little obnoxious and took lots of pictures. The truth continued a little bit more. A second pinky swear made sure that what was said at the diner table stayed between us. B came up at one point, B and her BF, but OG very carefully deflected the conversation. But I think if we ever hang out like this again sometime, I might have to bring it up. J's Brother (JsB)came up in conversation. Apparently he did ask J about me last night, and J's response was that we had gone a couple of times. Probably the most diplomatic of answers, if not the most truthful. I feel a little bad about the JsB situation. He's so nice, and alot more stable than J is, but it makes me wonder how many girls he loses to his brother.

OG and J had to work at 10am, but it was only like 7am, but couldn't go back to her house. We ended up parking the car lowering the back seats (I have a hatchback now) and cuddling - or making a puppy pile as I call it - and sleeping. Well, mostly sleeping. At some point J, started groping me, and he had a huge hard on, so I started groping him, and the next thing I know, we're doing it (ah the memories) and OG has to move up to the front seat to avoid us. I'm smiling thinking about, but at the same time I'm pretty appalled, and will officially have to change my answer to "what's the craziest thing you've ever done?"

After that we drove back, dropped OG off, and left. They went to work, and I got into a car accident (yes, with my new car!) trying to get to a quickstep lesson. That's Karma for you. Apparently my car does not like being used as a sex-mobile and told me so by making me pay out the wazoo for repairs and the ticket.

Oddly, it was a majorly fun night. And I think that it went a long way to putting to rest all my issues about J. Seeing him as he really is not as how I think he is or how I want him to be or how he was when he was getting in my pants. I think was the first step to being comfortable with him as a friend. Who would have thought?

An Interesting evening part 1 - Dance Dance

2008-08-16T09:08:00.001-07:00

Other Girl (OG)decided she wanted to go check out her performing competition at J's club last night and wanted me to go along. The plan was to go shopping - a boutique was having a sale and I need new work clothes - then we'd get ready, eat there, watch them dance and dance a little ourselves.

At first I told her I'd go shopping, but not out after. I figured I needed to stop seeing J all together. I hd been toying with the idea of asking him to practice with me, in the hopes that proximity would get all the feelings out of me. But in the end I figured I'd just steer clear of him all together. I was particularly upset when the last couple of shows that OG bailed on he didn't ask me to fill in. Even tho she suggested he call me. It's like, why doesn't he want to dance with me? On top of that I've been thinking alot about NG lately. So I was expecting to be pretty miserable if I did go.

She ended up calling him and telling him that we were coming even tho she wasn't dancing - I still could have opted out, but I had the brilliant idea of inviting Frenchy. Thinking him paying me alot of attention and then I'd have someone to dance with too since J doesn't really ask me that much.

But Frenchy said he couldn't make it. He said he was "on-call" for 3 or 4 days and couldn't go out. But I'm not sure I believe him. He was really nice on the phone 'cuz I was calling him, until I invited him and then he suddenly had to go. I think I may have spooked him. Until now we've only really hung out at his place and had sex. We played raquettball once.

So I was pretty bummed to start out the evening but cheered up after finding some cute clothes. And decided to go with her and make the most of it.

We got there and started talking to J's brother. He's quite the flirt, but I don't usually think much of it. But then OG says he's asked about me before and at some point in the evening he asked me out. I tried to play it off, hoping he wasn't serious. He just asked me if I was seeing someone, and I said kind of. Because I don't really know what's up with me and Frenchy. I'm kind of seeing him, but we're not really dating.

OG checked out her "competition" that is J's other dance partner. They are on par with each other. OG is younger and cuter where as this girl was more obviously sexy, she wore a very short skirt, a top that kept riding up and she definitely knows how to body roll. I feel a little better after seeing her in knowing why J would call her to fill in for OG and not me. But I'm close, very close. I feel bad sometimes wanting OG to move on to better things so I can have her spot there. But I do wish it.

I bet OG earlier in the night that J wouldn't ask me to dance, I bet her in escelating amounts that he wouldn't ask me for one dance, more than one dance, and a romantic dance. He ended up asking me for the romantic dance. So now I owe OG $20. I even danced with his brother, and he asked me to teach him a few moves. At the end of the night J even asked me to foxtrot with him when sinatra closed down the dance floor.

After that I invited the brothers for coffee. So we went out for another drink instead. The talk turned to dancing and eventually the brother left. I felt really bad because I had wanted him to be included. I tried to sit between him and J so that I could keep him in the conversation, but OG got there first.

We had some good conversation, even though his brother got left out. I mentioned that I have his job now. He thought it was great. I talked about doing lifts and more ballroom stuff. We talked about performing and while OG and J don't think that SOG treats me fair, I got to make my point that I have no other outlet for performing. It's him or nothing. It was a subtle hint for J that I want to perform more.

After that OG invited J back to her place (she drove and my car was at her house) for a soak in the hot tub. We got there around 3am and were in the hot tub until about 6 am.

Paranoia

2008-08-12T11:56:00.000-07:00

I was so upset yesterday by the "I shouldn't have texted him" panic, that I didn't even do my grocery shopping at that store. Since it's only a mile from my home, I immediately turned around and went home.

Last night I spent at Frenchy's and on the way home I decided I ought to stop and pick up the rest of my groceries.

I'm reading "The Great American Detox Diet" by Alex Jamieson. She's the wife of Morgan Spurlock and wrote the book after people kept asking her about the diet she put him on after he finished eating McDonalds 24/7 for Supersize Me. I am currently eliminating sugar from my diet and my system. Most of my staple foods have sugar in them, not to mention all the sweets I like. But salsa, pasta sauce, enchilada sauce, salad dressing, bread, wheat tortillas, gum, mints. They all have sugar in some form or another. Eventually I will put back in honey, and some of the less obvious forms of sugar like evaporated cane juice. But I'm saying goodbye to high fructose corn syrup, and sugar if it's too high on the ingredients list. This also means I'm off of alcohol for the time being, but I'll probably go back to wine and beer eventually too.

Anyway, I'm super paranoid about going anywhere near this shopping center. It was 12:30 by the time I got there and parked. I notice a Pontiac in the row next to me and freak out. Re-park. Go in buy my stuff (found a salsa with no sugar!) and come out. I drive by the pontiac again, but it's not his.

I'm starting to feel like a stalker just by living here.

Power of the Mind

2008-08-11T12:04:00.000-07:00

So, obviously I've been thinking alot about NG since I found out he has a girlfriend now. To top it off he works not that far from where I live since I moved back to my mom's house. I realized it on the way back from a dance lesson, I pass his work every time I go to and from my private lesson. (blech)

I was out and about early this afternoon - One-ish. And I'm thinking of NG, 'cuz monday when we were going out was his evening shift, he didn't go in until 1pm. My grocery store is basically across the street from his work. There are also some restaurants, anyway, it's going through my mind how it's a good thing I'm on a ridiculously strict diet right now, or I could just start trolling the restaurants around lunch time each day until I run into him. But I'm thinking how I don't want to run into him. I've been going over senarios in my head and I usually end up being very mean.

Anyway, I'm driving into my grocery store and who do I drive right by? NG.

I recongized his car and then his licence plate - he has an alumni plate from our mutual alma mater.

I made the mistake of texting him. It's funny because if it were the X, it would have been a total no brainer. We got along so well after some time had passed. That I would email or text him when I thought of stuff he'd like or if I saw him randomly.

But as soon as I sent it, I thought "what am I doing?" NG's not the X, NG didn't stay friends with me. NG was friendly the week after, had one more conversation with me in May, and has never returned an email.

Not to mention - how much more stalker-like can it get than: Hey, were you driving down main st at 2pm today, after leaving the grocery store parking lot? Cuz I totally saw you there!! LOL

Okay - that's not what I said, but close enough.

He did respond - just asking what I was doing in the area, and I've got nothing from my responce.

I'm deleting his number from my phone. I just can't have this happen ever again. If I had done that in the first place then this never would have happened.

Joining the ranks of employed persons

2008-08-09T12:19:00.000-07:00

So after after months of not having a job, and not really looking very hard for one, I am about to become employed again. Yay me!

Two weeks ago wednesday I had an interview and recieved a phone call. The interview is for a part time position in my profession, and the phone call was about a dance instruction job. J's old job, and the class that I first attented two years ago at my gym. I don't know if his availability got so low that they replaced him, or if he got so busy he quit. But either way, the student has become the master!! Mwahahahaha.

I still have not heard back from the interview, however, last wednesday I got an email from a professor at the local community college asking if I wanted to become an adjunct and teach English Composition. I put in an application about a year ago when I found out I was going to get booted out of my job, in a different department. But I do have a masters degree in writing so they must have filed my app in more than one place (or possibly misfiled it, who knows). The email went out to a number of people, but I got mine about 3 hours after it was sent and immediately said yes.

So as of September 3 I will actually be employed at least part time. And I am going to call on the other interview, because I should be the only one being considered as I had inside information and as far as I know the job was never posted. A friend left the position, and her boss doesn't want to interview 100 qualified applicants. So when she left the job, I applied and the job was never posted as being open. I think the boss is a bit of a procastinator so I just need to call and remind her that I'm still waiting.

Why I should stay off the internet

2008-08-05T10:51:00.000-07:00

NG is in a relationship. He changed his myspace status. I haven't thought about him in a long time, I have this French guy who I've seen on a few occasions who is really nice to me, and yet here I am crying.

I feel even more stupid for holding on to the feeling that he'd come to his senses. That after some months had gone by we'd be at a club and he'd ask me out again, that things would go well the second time. I guess all my excuses for why he broke up with me were wrong. He just didn't want me.

Heroes and Villains

2008-07-22T12:21:00.000-07:00

The past few days I've been ill at home w/ a viral infection doing nothing more than watching tv, eating fruit and drinking water and gatorade.

I saw a couple of interesting things on tv in that time. First was the advertisement for the upcoming third season of Heroes. This "volume" is called "villains" and the add shows not only the known villains we've met in seasons one and two, new ones, and a few of our favorite heroes as possible villains. Because in every hero there could be a villain.

Then I caught on the history channel a show about Batman and the "reality" of his gizmos and gadgets, his suit, but also his personality and those of his enemies. Someone made an interesting point. That both Batman and the villains have had a traumatic event and while Bruce Wayne/Batman decides that this injustice must never perpetrated on another, the villains in a similar moment decide that this injustice is an excuse for payback, a license to hurt others as they've been hurt. They compared Batman to his famous villains and showed that if weren't for a small choice he'd be like any one of them.

I'm not saying I'm a hero or a villain. But I do always feel like there's these two opposing people inside of me. There's the one that likes herself the way she is, her body, her interests, her looks, her brain, her talents. This one has good self-esteem and knows what she deserves, can stand up for herself. And there's the girl that hates herself who is never good enough no matter what she does, no matter what she says, how hard she tries. She's never skinny enough, tone enough, fast enough, strong enough. She doesn't look good in her clothes, she's not talented, or funny, or interesting and people aren't interested in her. This one takes what people give her and accepts the crumbs if that's all it is. There's the girl who values honesty, and fairness and wants to treat every one with respect next to the girl who's so good at lying, and hiding what she does or feels. One one hand I'm the shy, quiet girl who doesn't know what to do with attention from people even if she got it, and on the other I'm a girl who wears leopard print dance shoes and short skirts.

I wonder if I put my standards for other people too high. If I expect them to be all of one or the other. I keep coming back to B being a bad person, a bad christian, a bad friend. But undeniably she is fun to be around, fun to go out with. But being fun doesn't mean being good. But not being 100% good doesn't make them bad either. I guess when it comes right down to it I judge it by two things - things that I try to live by also - and that's choice and hypocrisy. With one exception as a child, I can't remember ever choosing to hurt another person. It has been the unfortunate outcome of some decisions, but I can't remember it ever being my intent. And I feel that what ever B says, when she knows that being unfaithful will her hurt her boyfriend, then being unfaithful is a choice to hurt him. I also dislike hypocrisy. I don't eat meat because to me it is hypocritcal to treat a cat humanely and eat the cow that was treated inhumanely. We live by laws that say you must treat your companion animal in such a way, but none that say we have to treat cows, chickens, lambs etc that way. Its the reason I'm becoming vegan too - in the end I saw being only a strict vegetarian as being hypocritical as well - I won't eat the cow, but I'll eat the cheese that was made from a cows milk. And, no, I don't trust government regulations on "free range" and "organic" so I won't be buying those either. What I hate most of all is a religious hypocrit. I know it's from the way I was raised and the strict christian upbringing I had (and then rejected - I choose to be a good person because I respect my fellow man, not because christ is going let me into heaven if I behave). But to those who profess to being religious, to being christian, and following a certain set of guidelines, I hold them to those standards. B to me does not live a christian life. Not by the standards she herself spouts. I'm sure she thinks it's fine, because afterall jesus forgives, confession clears the soul and conscience freeing it up for more sin later. I think people like to forget that little catch about being sorry for what you've done. And how sorry can you be if you keep doing it?

I am considering calling her once she's moved back home - just once - not to get everything off my chest - although that would feel so good - but I'm sure it would hurt her to know what a lousy friend I think she is - and I don't like to hurt people intentionally. I just want to leave her a voicemail. I want to say: have a happy life at home, get some counseling before you get married, figure out why you are pulling this bullshit on someone you're supposed to love or be in love with, and then when you're really and truely ready get married if you still want to. And then I want to say: but don't every tell me again when you cheat, I'm washing my hands of it, I'm not your confessor to lay your problems at my feet to carry so you can go on and feel better releaved of your burden, I'm done. The funny thing is I wouldn't be doing it for her. I really want it for her fiance. Sure he knows what he's getting into, but for him, I want B to be a better person. Someone worthy of all of his forgiveness.

Of course the villainous side of me doesn't want to do that at all. The villainous side of me is so scared that if B were single she'd come back here. She'd start dating J. or that they would meet up for clandestine romantic vacations. My villainous side has a fantasy whereby I become J's girlfriend (the how is not worked out in the fantasy, but I think it has something to do with his brother telling him he'd be an idiot if he didn't take me out on at least one date) and when April rolls around for B's wedding. I say, hey, lets go together. Lets show up and show her that I won because the villainous side of me wants payback, wants to hurt her the way she hurt me, take something that she liked and make it mine.

But it's just a fantasy. I really do plan to keep my villain securely locked inside.

Say What You Need to Say

2008-07-18T23:16:00.000-07:00

B is leaving town earlier than expected. Her going away party is tonight and she's gone the following friday. She found out today that her fiance did get the job on the west coast, so that's that. She's leaving and other than an occasional visit, like for the marathon this fall, she's not coming back.

I went out tonight with OG (other girl) from our dance team, she was performing with J. I was in a bad mood about J from yesterday because OG calls me up asking for directions (usually I drive). He asked her to do a private party with him that day. I was pissed because I specifically talked to him about doing the daytime parties with him and he made it sound like he'd give them to me.

I didn't think B was going to be coming out because we'd gone out the night before (our last thursday night out - I'd avoided them for awhile, but I figured I'd make nice on the last one ever) and she said she was hanging with another friend after work. But low-and-behold she shows up. J gives her a hug and dances 3 songs with her. He never asked me once.

B claims that she has to ask him to dance as well - which frankly, I won't do. I said as much. I called him a jack ass a few times. And then she comes out with "Can I confess something to you?" To which I said "I already know." But it turns out she wasn't talking about J. She made out with a married guy at her work today.

I was shocked and not. The first thing out of my mouth was "What the fuck are you doing?" I told her point blank that eventually she was gonna screw things up with her fiance, that eventually she was gonna do this with someone who wants to do something more than just have an affiar - I pointed out that J just wanted a no strings attached arrangement (I honestly think she may not have considered that before) - and then everyone was going to get hurt. And I did mention that I was telling her as a friend because she needs to hear it.

I so badly wanted to go into a "you may love him, but you don't respect him" rant. Or my what about being a christian, didn't christ say "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" she's be devestated if her fiance did have the shit she does. But then J came up and asked her dance song number 4. I was extremely pissed off the rest of the night. Until Bethany mentioned that her fiance got the job in their home state. Suddenly - while upset - I hate that J doesn't ask me to dance - I was in a much better mood.

I didn't get to say my whole peace, but I got to tell her, and I got to tell her that I knew about J. I wish I could have gone off on that for a bit, but she can't be so stupid as to think that I wasn't hurt by it. But I got say something. Now she can go away and make a mess of her life and her relationship away from me and I can officially not be a part of it.

Good news, Bad news

2008-07-12T11:05:00.000-07:00

The good news is that B is leaving town earlier than expected. She's out the same time I'm going on vacation. So basically I've only got two more weeks of possibly seeing her so maybe 3 times total.

The bad news her fiance may be getting a job in town, which means she'll be back in February or soon after their wedding.

I was hoping he'd get a job in their home state so she'd be gone altogether.

Although, the evil streak in me wouldn't mind seeing the fall out of Married-B trying to keep it cool around J when they are practicing and dancing together. I'm sure he'd still perform with her since he did after the engagement news. I'm still bitter about that - although, maybe it will give me the extra drive to perform even better to improve even more while she's gone. My goal is the splits since so far only one girl on the team can do them.

I wished I believed in the power of prayer so that I could pray her fiance got the out of town job. As it stand I do believe that what you put out into the universe comes back to you, and I don't want to negatively effect myself. I just had to replace my car (it died over 4th of July) and now I really need a job if I want to make the car payments.

Sometimes trying to be a good person really sucks.

Moving on and Getting over are two completely unrelated things

2008-07-11T21:49:00.000-07:00

I was up late (early) enough to catch an episode of Dawson's Creek (at 4:30am) this week. It was the episode where Pacey and Joey are trying to break it to Dawson that they're a couple. Now, Dawson and Joey broke up the year before, but they're still treading lightly because they know he's going to be unreasonably angry. And lo and behold they are correct. He basically makes Joey choose between being his friend or Pacey's girl-friend. And we all know how that turned out.

Besides revelling in the awesome '90's-ness of it all and harkening back to my college days when most of girls on my hall, and some of the guys from below us would watch Dawson's Creek in my neighboring dormmates room, I was also was also drawing a rather unflattering comparison between myself and VanderBeek's overly upset Dawson. I mean if he only wants to be friends with Joey (in his rant he asks her if she's upset for him not wanting to get back together) then why is he upset if his friend wants to go out with her?

I don't know how often I've said I'm Done with J. I tell myself all the time in my head. I even moved on to a better guy. Sure it didn't last, but I can at least I can admit he's better. So why am I unreasonably bitter about the B & J conundrum?

Then I was reading a book that a friend was going to throw out. In it I found the quote "Like love is a habit you couldn't break."

I can't seem to get over J or NG. I feel like I've moved on - through necessity. I've gone out with other guys. But when it comes down to it I'd take one of them first. I haven't even seen or spoken to NG in months. But I still think about him often, and I take a look at his facebook page now and then.

I feel like I've gotten into this habit of wanting them and I can't get out of it. I know that I can, and maybe even will. I got over the X and the XX, I just can't remember when that happened. I remember being broken hearted over them, and I know it healed, I just can't pin point when that happened. I wish I could so that I knew when I'd be over these ones.

Maybe I'm the hypocrit

2008-06-18T10:47:00.000-07:00

I was gleeful, evilly gleeful at the prospect of B screwing things up with her fiance the other night. I had visions of being the tough-love friend who says "I know you're upset about your fiance dumping you, but what kind of an idiot are you to have done this to him?" Nothing of the sort happened. And I never did find out why B didn't show up to the going away party.

I'm not going so far as to say that I'm over it. When I think about it I still get completely appalled by her behavior and incredulous that her fiance still wants her. But, I'm coming to grips with It's not my life. They have to live with all of it not me. I am still up in the air about continuing a friendship with B. Sometimes I think about calling or texting her and stop myself. When I'm around her I'm still friendly, but I keep counting down until she leaves town. And I keep hoping that her fiance gets that job in their home state so that she won't come back in 6 months.

I now feel bad for the evil glee I had. For wanting something bad to happen to her relationship with the fiance. I've never cheated on a guy, and I never plan to, but I do remember back in October 2006 (see "Some answers for you"), when thinking if I would still sleep with J if he were in a relationship, I said I wasn't sure if it would stop me.

And as for B lying to my face about being with J, it also isn't as if I don't lie. I've lied to my mother for a long time about being a virgin. I've lied to everyone, except those that read this blog about how I lost 30 pounds 2 1/2 years ago. I lied to everyone the whole time I was losing the weight too. I lie to guys about why I don't want to date them. I lie to everyone, except those that read this blog, about being over certain guys in my life.

So maybe I'm not all that better than B and that it's just my jealousy I can't really shake off.

I know it's none of my business but...

2008-06-14T03:52:00.000-07:00

B didn't come out to our friend's going away party after her performance with J. I had a feeling she wouldn't. When it was the same friends birthday and B had her performance with J they went out to the casinos together instead of B coming and celebrating. B still can't make the effort when the girl is moving away across the country and probably won't be back until she gets married here in a year. No, J, who isn't going anywhere, apparently is the more important person to spend time with.

I also don't think it's a coincidence that the BF is out of town right now. The same BF who put a down payment on the hall for their wedding while he's interviewing for a job.

God, I can't wait until she moves. I keep praying that the BF loves the job he interviewed for so that they won't move back here after the wedding. I want her gone, out of my life for good.

Of course that's if she didn't do something completely stupid like cheat on the guy AGAIN w/ J and the BF doesn't find out or dump her ass like he really should.

On the other hand - I could give her the benefit of the doubt. It is possible that she didn't get done until later than she expected and then the BF called, the 3 hour time difference makes that a possibility. Maybe they had a lot to discuss because of his job interview. They are from that state and B owns a condo there, she knows she wants to go back there eventually, but the BF can make more money at his job here (probably the only profession that can boast that in such a crappy economy). By the time she got done talking to him, maybe it was too late to drive out to the party.

Why I can't give her the benefit of the doubt - she didn't call anyone to say she wasn't making it, that she was late, that she couldn't find it, or that it was too far for that hour. Nothing. My guess - J had her so distracted she couldn't find her phone. If only she could find that little voice in her head that tells her what's wrong and right. Not that it matters - she'll just ask Jesus for forgiveness at church on Sunday and go on her merry way.

There and Back Again

2008-06-13T11:37:00.001-07:00

After a week of beating myself up, questioning whether I can still be friends with B, wondering if I would get anywhere flirting with J, I broke down and talked to my dance instructor (not SOG) about the drama. He's been around for a while, the quintessential been-there-done-that kind of guy. I had broken out in about 3 places over the weekend, and he asked me what had gone on, so I started the story - or a shorter version. It was kind of hard admitting to him how upset I was and why. Suddenly I felt very juvenile. But he was so great about it. On more than one occasion he's told me that I have to stop thinking of myself as mediocre and really start being the person I want to be. The short of it was that J did not pick B. And he had moved on long before she felt the need to "explain" getting engaged, probably even while they were fooling around.

I was feeling great for days.

And then I made the mistake of meeting up with B to run. I know I get a better workout when I work out with her, so I figured why not.

We were on the treadmill and she asks about a friend's going away party and says she doesn't know when she can show up, because J asked her to perform before she found out about the party. Then later after I was telling her about some of the lifts and things I do with my other dance instructor, she tells me about the move she practiced with J for tonight's show.

I'm back to feeling like a huge idiot. I can't believe that I offered to practice with J. I can't believe that I for one second thought I'd have another chance with him or that he'd ever ask me to perform with him on the weekend nights. I'm just trying to figure out why I end up the last choice, last minute, day time girl. It's just the absolute total proof that he has no desire what-so-ever to spend any kind of time with me at all.

In the meantime this guy I went on a date with wants to take me over there. He wanted to go tonight, but with the going away party I had to say no. So I suggested Saturday. At the time I thought, fantastic, let J see me with somebody else, maybe it'll make him want me more. But now I just don't want to be anywhere near him, especially the night after B. I also don't have any feelings for this guy so I don't think it would be very nice of me to let him continue to take me out.

Sometimes it's really hard having a conscience and it's so irksome to watch a hypocrite, two-faced person like B go through life apparently doing perfectly fine without one.

Obsession, Regression, Depression

2008-06-06T10:17:00.000-07:00

I recently spoke to NG. Well, texted. He took some photos of one of our dates and I wanted the ones of me. So he emailed them to me. For a while before this whole B & J thing, I had backslid on that one too.

I had not seen him for quite awhile and then at the beginning of May his friend asked me out to dinner. I knew it was coming, but that didn't make it any less awkward. He'd been trying for a while, since before I went out with NG. But I picked NG, he's the one I liked, the one I was attracted to. I was hoping that after I went out with NG, that the the friend, TF, would back off too. But no such luck.

Now the dancing community where I live isn't as big as it is in some cities like LA or NY, so it's not completely unusual to see exes and to date the friends of exes. SOG not only stayed friends with one of his ex-girlfriend, but was friends with her next boyfriend, and that boyfriend's next girlfriend. So, it's not too weird that TF asked me and thought it would be okay. The problem is that I still really like NG.

The night TF asked me out, NG also came out to the club for the first time in at least a month. I knew he'd be there, but I pretended I didn't and texted him to find out w/ a lame excuse about why. When he did show up we had a friendly chat and that was it. He spent the evening hanging out with TF. At one point I thought they were talking about me while I was dancing, cuz when ever I looked over they seemed to be looking at me too. That was a bit disconserting. I mean, the one guy I went out with (I wish I was still going out with him) and his friend who wants to go out with me.

The next week NG came out again. This time I arrived late with one of my girls, because I had driven her over to dance with J (probably the reason I'm so jealous, is I've been over there every weekend in May except the first one). I wanted to get J off my mind, so I asked NG to dance. It wasn't until afterward that I realized he had a girl with him. A cute blonde. I haven't seen him at the club since then.

After that night I admit, I got a little obsessive. I was checking out his myspace and facebook every few days to see if he changed his single status (he hasn't). I was looking at the pictures to see if I could see them together. I didn't see any of her, but unfortunately, I did see one of another girl. They were dressed up and she was holding a flower. It looked alot like the picture your mom takes before prom. Only he's too old for that. So I'm figuring it's his old Frat's formal that he was meeting to plan when we were together and that I really thought I was going to get to go to with him.

And I finally texted him about those photos yesterday. I just needed something to stop me from thinking about J and B. About how much I want to do something in retaliation. So instead of thinking about that, I decided to think about a decent guy instead. Sure I think NG lead me on a little too, but at least not in the "I'll fuck you but not date you" kind of way. More in the "I jumped the gun on my feelings for you" kind of way. But at least it's a reminder that there are some decent guys out there, if he doesn't want to be with me.

I'm supposed to have a date tonight with yet another guy I dance with. I am beginning to understand NG's excuse for breaking up with me - although, I don't think it's an appropriate one for 3 weeks later. But I just don't think about this guy alot. He was out of the country for two weeks and I had to write a reminder note to myself to email him, or I wouldn't have. He's a great dancer, I really enjoy dancing with him, and he is an attractive guy, but I'm just not that into him. He talks about himself alot, and manages to turn the conversation around to himself even after I try to get a word in. He's really smart though, has a job and a business. But I just don't get excited about him.

I remember New Years Eve. NG and J were both there. And while I still had a slight flutter for J, I was totally into NG. I would say that NG only upset me at the very end when I knew he was not feeling something for me and then when he broke it off. Otherwise he always made me smile and feel good and we could talk forever. When he sent the pictures his email said I looked sexy in one. I don't know how to take that - I know how I want to take it. But when he broke up with me he did so by naming all my great qualities including my physical ones, and then saying that he still didn't care about me like he should. No wonder I have issues, because it doesn't really matter how great I am, if nobody wants to be with me.

The White Wale

2008-06-05T09:27:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was a little tense.

I had a performance for a party with J and then was going to my normal Wednesday night dance spot I knew that B was coming out. At first it was a little tense around J. I was pretty monosyllabic at first and he just busts out telling me about his moped, and how he wanted it to stop raining so he could ride it 'cuz it had been a couple of weeks. I was trying to be professional without being overly friendly or flirty, but he gave me a couple of looks. Like once, in the middle of dancing after the lesson he mentioned how warm it was, and I said it sure was. He just looked at me and laughed a little. I didn't think it was that funny. I certainly didn't mean it in any other way but that it really was warm.

We practiced, performed, and tried to get people up for a lesson, then we danced a couple of more songs. He asked me if I could do some shows while he was out of time. He's going on vacation in July. It was weird, when I asked him about it he just said he really had to get away. That he worked hard and tried to play hard. Then repeated hat he just had to get away from a while. So I wasn't sure if the vacation was part of the playing hard or if the combination of hard play and work made him need a vacation. Still not having a job my schedule is pretty flexible, so he'll probably continue to dance with me for the daytime parties. I even offered to practice with him - since we don't ever, but for the ten minutes prior to going on.

I don't really know what I'll do if we do end up practicing. I can't say that he'd try anything, but I'm not sure what I'd do if he did. On the one hand I like the idea of denying him. One, it would put him in his place a little, and two, I would feel "better" than B for being able to say no. But I know how little will power I have with J. Especially since I don't have someone else to stay faithful too. Oddly, I kept thinking about NG while I was there with J, NG is so nice. Honestly if they both changed their minds about me today, I'd take NG with out hesitation (well, not hesitating between the two, I'd hesitate before taking him back though). It has the added appeal of being vindictive.

I keep vacillating between hate and apathy with B.
After being out with B that night - we just met up, got in, but for the most part were dancing elsewhere the whole time - I started realizing that my feelings have alot to do with winning. J is like the white wale. He's the untamable male, and the idea that B could possibly have succeeded where I failed is what is rankling.

Yes I'd say I'm upset that she lied, but I'm sure I'd have been upset if she had told me what went on. Perhaps even more so because it would've been out in the open. At least this way I can pretend I don't know and be friendly. It's when she says something stupid, like last night, she said that her engagement ring is a good thing, it gets caught on things and helps remind her she shouldn't do anything. Huh? Why do you need reminding that you're in love with someone else? And if you do, doesn't that say you're maybe not ready for marriage? I just have to shake my head and feel sorry for this girl.

On the other hand, I keep remember things. Like her sending a package of coats overseas for J. The fact that she bought a new dress to perform with him. That she used to practice at his place. A particular picture that was taken of them dancing in December where it looks like they're about to kiss, and her saying that her BF best not see it. And since it was in December, that means this went on for months. Months. Because it wasn't until January that she said she had issues with the BF and April til she stopped performing with J, though she still goes to the club he works at. The fact that I predicted this a year ago, when he walked into a dance and she said that J was so cute she wanted him to be her boyfriend, oh, not really, she already had a boyfriend. I knew then and there, something would happen.

I can't help but feel like she's the Pied Piper of Hamlin. She's got all these men mesmerized following her along and she's just taken them away from us single girls because she can. And it's just spiteful, she doesn't need another guy if she's supposed to be in love with her fiance. Why does she need so much attention that his isn't enough for her?

Just when I thought it was safe

2008-06-01T21:18:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to begin.

I'm an obsessively envious person I am beginning to realize. I know it stems from my own lack of confidence, but there it is. I'm back into my old situation with BMG, only it's a different girl. BMG finally moved away, and she's been replaced by B. Now, I've always been friends with B. Despite the fact that I became envious of her the day I met her, she was so nice I couldn't help but become her friend. I thought we could actually talk about things, I confided in her about J. She told me her situation with cheating on her boyfriend and following him out here to prove she was sorry. I thought we were friends.

I got even more envious when she started performing with J. They got to practice, and it felt like he was choosing her over me. I figured I was over reacting because she loves her boyfriend and having cheated on him once she never would again. I have an amazing instinct it seems, because I wasn't over reacting.

I'd been excluded from some conversations that B had with other girls on the team. But I caught a few things. I'd noticed how J came out to clubs when she did after she'd been absent for awhile. When I expressed concern about her leaving a club early once in April she told me "I've just got issues I need to talk to the BF about."

The first performance I did with J was because B said she couldn't do it. She blamed team practice, but the fact that I could do the performance showed that to be a lie. The next day I was talking to her about it. I was talking about how I thought J was flirting with me a little and I thought maybe he wanted to try to get in my pants again. Then she asked me how he was in bed.

One weekend while out dancing she complained about how he barely said hello to her. And then went on and on about the connection she feels with him on the dance floor. One of the reasons I'm so envious of her is that she captures every man's attention. She could have any man she wanted even though she has a boyfriend that loves her.

Last wednesday we were at a club and B came out, and J came out. I had had a couple of drinks and so I had this conversation with her:

Me: Why am I not surprised that J comes out on a night that your here.
B: What do you mean?
Me: I mean, he happens to be here when you're here. It's pretty obvious that he'd be all over you if your single.
B: (pause - starts to say something - stops)
Me: Unless he already has.
B: No, he's just here because I called and asked him to come. I wanted him to dance with my friend who's knew to dancing.

For days I felt like shit for being a bitch. I thought, how of rude of me. Now I realize it was the other way around.

Last weekend B's BF became a fiance. Last night was her birthday party. Another of our friends was performing with J so a month ago I (in total innocence and ignorance) suggested we have her birthday there. While on the dance floor with B and another of our girls she starts talking to the other. The other asked how J took her engagement. B says she had wanted to call him and tell him in person (the girls on the team got text messages), but hadn't gotten a chance.

Finally, I had enough. When J came over to ask B to dance and then proceeded to dance the entire set of six songs I took the opportunity to talk to the other girl. I'm probably closest to her. I said, "do you promise to tell me the story behind B and J later? She hasn't told me anything, but I know she's told you and S. I think she doesn't want to tell me because she knows my history with him."

That's when I found out that when B performed with J and they practiced, they'd also fool around. It got to the point where B thought she had feelings for J and told the BF. (That would be the issues)

I'm figuring that's why she told J no to performing with him again. And it's obvious she chose the BF over J. A part of me hopes that he's sad, that J took the engagement badly and that he really had his feelings hurt by her because he hurt mine. The problem with that means that once again she gets chosen and I get nothing. It's like being rejected all over again. But if not, leaves J to be the eternal player, the total jackass, and I still can't get over wanting him anyway. Which makes me more of an obsessive wackjob than I already am.

I am so mad, so angry, so sad and upset I spent 4 hours crying last night and I'm crying now. She lied to me last wednesday. She said J didn't try anything with her. I thought this girl was friend.

I want to go up to her and say "You must think I'm blind, deaf and stupid to not see through you."

It's so hard to go out to a regular club, or a restaurant and see her get hit on, flirt with the guys she cares nothing for, and still she talks about the love of her life the BF. I feel sorry for this guy I should really call him PB for Poor Bastard. She's not going to stop. She pulled the exact same act back at there last home. She met a guy dancing, fooled around, had feelings for him, but loves her BF. The BF left her came out here and she followed him because it made her realize just how much she wanted to spend the rest of her life with just him. Then she comes out here and does the exact same thing. Marriage is not going to stop her. I feel bad for this poor guy who would let her do this to him twice.

I feel like a collasal idiot for ever talking to her about my personal life. Maybe she thought she was sparing me. But of all the people she could have talked to about the situation, I'm the one who would have understood what she was going through. I fell for him too after all. Or maybe she knew I'd try to talk her out of it and she didn't want that. I'm angry with J, but I've known what a jackass he is. I don't have to like him to work/perform with him and take his money for it. I thought I wanted to get back in bed with him, I thought I was ready to be his friend, but now I hate him more than ever. A part of me wants to fuck him anyway, just so I can tell B that I did. If she had feelings for him, she's not gonna like that. I even had a malicious fantasy where after she moves home I make moves on the fiance. Just to teach her what it feels like - what she's done to this guy.

At this point I don't know what to do. B's on my dance team, she's my partner for half of it. We used to go out multiple nights a week. We are supposed to train for an October marathon together Now I can't stand to look at her or talk to her. I don't know if I want to clear the air with her and try to save the friendship or just start to distance myself from her. She's moving back to her hometown at the end of August for at least 6 months. The other girl (the one I made talk) is gonna know why I'm doing it. She knew that I wanted to get back in bed w/ J, if not everything else, and she's gonna know I'm mad at B for fooling around with him and not telling me.

I know some of this is jealousy and my issues. But, that doesn't change the fact that she's a cheat and a liar. I don't know if I want her as my friend, but if I don't try to clear the air am I going to lose the other team members as my friends as well? Which makes me contemplate quitting the team. But if I can make it through august, maybe I won't have to.

A year and half later

2008-04-18T18:51:00.000-07:00

I got a call from J on Wednesday. He needed a performance partner for a last minute party the next evening. Funny thing is that B said no because of team practice, but I said yes. With the performance being at 5:15 there was plenty of time to get to practice, but for whatever reason she didn't want to do it. So I said yes.

Everything went well. I messed up a couple times, but he said not to worry. I'm really not used to dancing with him anymore. We chatted a bit afterwards. Turns out the team and SOG are working the same Cinco de Mayo show as him at an out of town casino. Before I left he said that I could call him for anything.

Hmmm...

I'm left wondering again if he's fishing for a "get together." But it wasn't until 5 minutes later that I realized it could mean that.

I'm really proud of myself for being able to keep my cool, my head, my emotions all in tact, be friendly and professional around him. I think I've made major progress.

Birthdays

2008-04-14T14:29:00.001-07:00

I've been sitting on this for a while because it was so weird that I'm having trouble wrapping my head around it.

My birthday was last week. It fell on a good dancing night, and the team did a performance at the club. So all in all it was a really fun night. Dancing, drinking, being with friends. I had told my dance instructor about the performance, but he was supposed to be in Chicago and wasn't going to make it. Turns out that was just a ruse to make me think he wasn't coming, but really he did show up. Not only did he show up for the performance, dance with me, buy me a drink, but he also got me a birthday present. He handed it to me as he was leaving - a jewelry box. It is a very small gold/diamond (very small) necklace. My other cards and gifts I was just shoving into a bag under the coat rack, but I couldn't do that with jewelry. So I went out after him thanked him, and had him put it on me - and that's when he kissed me.

It was on the lips but no tongue and not very long. But I still don't know how to take it. Is it a old man, paternal, fraternal kiss? Or something more?

I'm supposed to go to my normal group classes tonight in an hour and I'm wigging out. We normally get a drink and a bite to eat after class, but I don't know how to be now. My plan is just to ignore that it happened and see if it anything more happens. I don't want to call him out on something he didn't see as a big deal. Then I'd feel like a total idiot. I just can't imagine him being attracted to me. I'm more than 20 years younger than him, and look at least 30 years younger than him.

Too weird.

I'm a moody bitch

2008-04-02T19:24:00.001-07:00

SOG sat me down for a talk yesterday before my private lesson. Apparently he's noticed me having an attitude in front of the other girls. Part of me sees it, but on the other hand with two past exceptions I've not copped more attitude than the other girls. In fact the past two practices I haven't said anything, so I'm at a loss as to why he's bringing it up now.

It made for a crappy lesson. I had no desire to dance with him then and I have no desire to dance with him right now.

Scare of a lifetime

2008-03-28T23:26:00.000-07:00

Last night we had what I hope will be the last snowstorm before spring really starts. Not that you would know it by the total lack of snow on the ground today thanks to the 40 degree day we had.

But last night we had at least 3 inches. Despite the weather I went out. I had dance team practice at 6pm, and at that point none of the snow was sticking to the ground, but when we got ready to leave at 8pm it had started to stick. SOG, the other girls and myself went to a different Thursday night club, because the owner had invited us there to dance for a tourism commercial that was being filmed there. Pretty cool. When we left the place at 10:30 it was really coming down, but that didn't stop us from driving over to our regular spot (all in one car of course). By the time we got back to SOG after midnight my car was covered with snow and his car was slipping on the way back. SOG was so nice he cleared off all of cars while they warmed up.

So with a clear windshield I left his place and proceeded slowly home. I'm traveling down a two lane road on my way to the highway when I see in front of me a dude. A random guy just walking on the side of the road. I freak out hit my breaks and then slip and slide right into him.

Yep, I hit a guy with my car.

It was the scariest moment ever. The moment that I heard the thud will forever be emblazoned on my memory. (As will the sight of the car behind me driving past us and not stopping to help.) I immediatly pulled over freaking out that I had possibly killed somebody. The guy was totally fine though. I had clipped him behind one leg, so really he's lucky that he didn't break anything (so I am really, 'cuz I suppose he could decide to sue me if he wanted to - though he said he wouldn't - not that he'd get much out of an unemployed girl living with her retired parents). I called the police right away and then waited half an hour for one to show up. During that time I was on the phone with SOG and B crying my eyes out. Sometime during the phone call with the police the shock it me and I started bawling. I think it started when they asked my name and I could only think, oh my god I hit a guy with my car.

After waiting again after the police arrived I eventually got a ticket for "improper lane usage." I'm contemplating fighting it because with the weather nobody was using a proper lane, but I'm not sure it's worth it.

The weird thing is the night before I had watched on-line an episode of "New Amsterdam" (not a great show, but I find it interesting) where a lady killed a kid in a hit and run.

And again

2008-03-23T17:04:00.000-07:00

Having seen NG at the party last night for all of two minutes and basically only saying hi and bye, I thought surely NG would text me. Send me some kind of nice-to-see-you-sorry-we-didn't-get-to-dance-or-talk message. In my wildest dreams I hoped for a can-we-talk-how-about-coffee message.

During team practice I got two text messages from him. Two identical messages. Happy Easter, fun with family, Jesus resurrection forgive our sins bla bla bla.

I was so disapointed I nearly texted him back a snarky comment about how it's not the resurrection that forgives our sins, it's Jesus' death. But in the end I thought it would be rude. So I just ignored it.

Another case of I got what I wanted, just not how I wanted it.

Getting what you want isn't always what you want.

2008-03-23T00:22:00.000-07:00

Ever since November of '06 when J got his gig performing and teaching I wanted to perform there. Well a year and a half later I got what I wanted.

Yesterday J was calling me alot too. First he left a message and then he just kept calling. Finally I listened to the message - I took his number out of my phone a few months ago - so I didn't know it was him. He was offering me a chance to perform at his club, because he was going out of town and asked my friend B to fill in and she suggested dancing with me.

We did do it. And we rocked. I did a great lesson even if I do say so myself.

After that we went to a party. I was up in the air about going, it was being held by a really good friend of NG. I was 90% sure that NG would be there. But since he hadn't been at the thursday club in a few weeks and it's the night before easter I thought there was also a chance he wouldn't show up. But he was there. His car was the first in the drive way and I could see him through the window before we even went in.

I had wanted to see him, but as soon as I got in there I couldn't look up at him - I froze. Eventually I was able to say hi, and give him a hug. He also said good-bye, but it was about 10 minutes later. I had all these ideas and fantasies about what would happen if he were there, but it was totally anti-climactic.

A very good friday indeed

2008-03-21T20:16:00.000-07:00

After weeks of avoiding the situation I finally talked to R. After weeks of avoiding his calls and text messages and being worried that at anytime I could walk out of my building to find him or a present there waiting for me, I picked up the phone and called him back.

Part of it was annoyance. I had been really ill with Bronchitis and then Pink-eye. Being that conjunctavitis is so contagious I was basically stuck in my apartment until I was almost done with the anti-biotics. I told him this three times. I talked to him once to tell him "look I'm still sick, why are you calling so much?" again when he called to see if I was going out "no you moron I've got a contagious bacterial whatsit." and then in text message when he again asked me if I was going out. I was beginning to wonder if he knew what the hell "contagious" means.

Then I got a voicemail - I think I might have pink-eye because my eyelid is itchy. And then a card outside my apartment saying the same thing "my eyelid is swollen and getting color. I think you gave me the pink-eye, but it was worth it." I was pretty pissed. I got pink-eye from the bronchitis infection after I saw him when he came over unannouced the first time. Not to mention none of those are symptoms of conjunctavitis. So I texted him back - "if you think you have it, go to the Dr. right away. but I didn't have it when I saw you last, you didn't get it from me."

He finally called today and I was still pissed enough that I thought, this is it. Give him the boot. So I called him. Told him I was getting better and when he asked when he could see me I said we'd be better off friends seeing each other out sometimes than actually dating. I gave some other rigamarol about him being sweet (ack!) and I appreciated his concern while I was sick (Blech!) but that it made me realize that he cared much more about me than I do about him. I told him round-aboutly that I still had feelings for someone else. Althogh, not seeing NG in a month is definitely helping.

Then he came out with the truth. He thought I was lying about having conjunctavitis. And said he had gotten it so that I would let him see me. Huh? So I tried again to explain how I got it, when I had it, and how freaking contagious it is. It makes me so very glad that I gave him the boot. What an idiot. and I wash my hands of him completely. And I am so very happy that I did.

This is ridiculous

2008-03-10T01:29:00.000-07:00

I can't stop thinking about NG.

I keep going over and over different senarios in my brain about how he might approach getting back together with me, the different excuses he could use for breaking up with me to begin with.

I remember doing this with the XX. But we had been together for over a year. This was a month. A Month!! Granted I had been wanting him to ask me out for two weeks prior to him doing so. And I knew with in the first conversation that he and I had that I wanted to go out with him.

I just don't know how to deal with the fact that it's been a month and we went out a month, and I'm still not over him.

It's ridiculous and I can't make my self stop.

I'm afraid to leave my building

2008-03-08T00:47:00.000-08:00

So, it's a been a week since my ill-advised car sex with R. I never really thought he'd keep up the "we should go out pretense" and in truth he only half has. But still I'm getting at least one, sometimes three calls and texts a day. His texts are mostly "Hi, where are you." As if I'm going to text back "AT home, alone, and naked big boy." At least J put in a few pleasantries before asking if I was at home and could he come over.

I tried to put R off with the whole "I'm busy" thing. I went out with SOG on the Saturday after and with girl friends on the Sunday after. Monday He texted me just as I was walking into my apartment building. It seriously creeped me out that he might be around. Thankfully right after the "Hi" text I got a "where are you." I lied and said the library working on a job application. Hoping he would take the hint and not bother me, but no such luck he asked what I was doing on Tuesday. I said I was going to dance lessons. The weather didn't allow me to go, and I just didn't bother picking up when he called at 9 that night. On Wednesday I finally picked up the phone and told him I wasn't feeling well and was gonna stay home, that yes, my roommate was in. That was the truth (not the staying in part - although turned out to be true) the university we live near and my roomy works at was closed with the snow so she couldn't go anywhere and I wasn't gonna dig my car out. I should never have told him that I was sick - apparently I was ill when we had our first of three phone conversations back in November. So an hour and half after I hang up with him he calls again. I don't pick up, five minutes later he calls again, and three minutes after that. My roommate says, in 11 minutes he's called three times which means he's outside trying to get ahold of you. I didn't believe her until phone call four comes and he leaves a message.

"I thought you were at home, your car is in front of your building. I brought something for you. I left it outside your door." Now he doesn't know which apartment is mine and you have to get through a locked door, but he does know my building because he watched me walk in. So I waited another ten minutes hoping he'd left and call him. Tell him sorry I was taking a hot shower hoping to feel better and I'd go look for the bag now. Only I couldn't find it and went all the way outside looking for it. Bad move - it was inside the first un-locked door, but blended with the bagged newspapers that I hadn't seen it - and he was still driving around waiting for me to call so he comes around the corner as I'm looking outside.

I said hi, thanked him for the package (hat, mittens, herbal tea) and told him that I had to get back before my roommate got worried - I didn't lock the door behind me and said I'd be two minutes. He asked me which apartment was mine, I told him - I don't want him knocking on someone elses door thinking it's mine - but said that our buzzer didn't work and the only way to know if someone was here was phone call. And I explained the locked door to the apartments and that it was just a hallway there so that's why nobody heard him knocking. Then I left.

Turns out I did get sick that night. A really bad sore throat, aches, pains, and lots of mucus. Karma I'm sure. So Thursday I turned my phone off and got two messages and two texts both of which said "where are you." Thursday is my normal night out, I had been too sick when I got back from chicago to go, then I was avoiding NG for a week. I was actually looking forward to going back this week. For the dancing and for a strange jones to see NG. I know he's not gonna sponaneously want to date me again (as much as I wish that would happen, and fantasize about that happening) but I really miss him.

Today I texted R saying I got his messages and voicemails, but was sick and sleeping all day (not a lie) and that I was gonna be in all weekend. I left it with "talk to you when I'm better." I didn't hear from him all day. I thought, cool he got the hint this time! I had my phone on because my roomy was gonna call me to bring me food after work, but she never did. Which means I had my phone on when R did call at 7pm. He hadn't gotten the hint after all. I don't even remember what he said and then deleted it.

I'm sure he's not heartbroken and is gonna mack on some other girl this weekend - which is fine with me. I just wish I could get him off my back. I wish I could go back in time and leave that club when I meant to last week so I never would have danced with him in the first place, or said "what the fuck you followed me home after I told you not too? hell no I'm not getting in your car" and then gone in my house.

I'm gonna have to get rid of him soon. I'm moving in three weeks and I don't want him to offer to help. A week after that is my birthday day and I don't want him at the parties. I don't want to go on a date with him. Although, I am tempted to suck it up and go out with him once. I figure either we'll go on a real date and I can say "look it was fun, but I don't think we connected sorry I don't want date number 2." Or, he'll just want to have sex and I can say "hey, I thought we were really gonna date, I don't want casual sex I don't want to see you again." Because really I don't want to be another fuck buddy, and I don't like this guy for more than that.

Then there's always the white lie. So sorry, I ended up talking to my ex while I was laid up sick and it reminded me that I still have feelings for him. I just can't see you when I know I'd be thinking about him. If I have any chance of working it out with him I have to try. Except that is more of an out and out lie than a white lie. Because sure I have feelings for NG but he doesn't want to get back with me, and we haven't talked in about 3 weeks.

I wish girls could do the "fade away" that guys do so well.

What is it about me

2008-03-01T00:57:00.000-08:00

that screams "sure, I'll have sex with you in the back of your car even though we've never dated and you just kissed me for the first time on the dance floor tonight."

Cuz I've got another one. I kind of thought that J had the market cornered on this particular sleazy behavior, but it turns out I was wrong.

I went to a new club tonight. SOG and his girlfriend were going, I had it on his authority that other people ("everyone I've talked to") were going to be there. It turned out that there were a good number of people I knew, but the music was only so-so and the dancefloor so tiny that I didn't get much dancing in. After 2 hours I was ready to give up. I was getting ready to go when I was asked to dance by R. He had asked for my phone number back in the fall and then took 2 months to call me. He called me on thanksgiving and christmas. I was supposed to go out for coffee with him one day and forgot about it, making plans to practice with SOG instead. He was also at the NYE party that I went to. He stood right next to me as we counted down midnight and didn't even kiss me. At that point I gave up on him. I figured he just wasn't interested. And with the enterance of NG I was okay with that.

I was really hoping that NG would be at this place tonight. It's close enough to where he lives and near where he first took me out, I thought he'd go. It's stupid, since I've been avoiding the other club I know he goes to, but I just felt like something would happen with us if he was there.

I was wrong. He didn't show up and instead, R asks me to dance right as I'm thinking of leaving. It was a total booty-shaking, bump-and-grind kind of song, but I danced with him anyway. He bought me flowers from some lading selling them on the floor (I'm pretty sure he's the only one who did, since I didn't see any other girls with them). I figured he was probably drunk. He ended up kissing me on the dance floor, and then buying me a drink. We just sat on a couch periodically kissing for the next 1/2 hour until the place closed.

He walked me to my car, and then asked if he should follow me home. I said, no that was okay. I scraped my car, changed my shoes, and left the parking lot. It wasn't until I was two lights from home that I realized that somebody was following me. It totally creeped me out - even when he stepped out of the car and it was R. I told him that he shouldn't have come, and that he couldn't come in because I have a roommate. So he suggests that we say goodbye in his car where it's warm.

That's when the sex commenced. It was the weirdest thing it went from making out to oral sex so fast, I couldn't believe it. My suspisions that he was drunk were pretty much confirmed when he was really soft and couldn't do finish the deed.

I dated NG for a month and we never got that far. Probably because I actually like/ care about him and wanted us to be in a relationship. Sadly I think R is going to end up just like J (with the exception of me having feelings for him and making an ass out of myself because of it). I'll probably sleep with him a bit, but I still wish I was with NG.

I didn't realize it had been so long!

2008-02-22T14:22:00.000-08:00

What a couple of months it has been.

I finally met someone who got me over J once and for all. Now if I can just get over this guy.

We met in December right before Christmas. He'd been going to the club I go to on Thursday, but never talked to me, but we met properly at a mutual friend's X-mas party. We talked quite a bit and I thought he was pretty cute. But the next thursday I saw him with a girl and put him out of my mind.

Then came New Years. My one dance instructor (not SOG) had bought me a beautiful little-black-dress and black pumps for christmas (Spending more on an outfit that I would spend on clothes in a year) with the instructions to wear them at New Years, and to be the change I want to see for myself.
I wasn't expecting great things out of NYs as I was tagging along w/ SOG, his girlfriend, and a few other dancing friends to a party of a complete stranger. I knew a guy that was going to be there we had talked on the phone a few times, and despite standing right next to me at midnight he didn't give me a kiss, so I was kind of bummed. It didn't help that J had shown up to this party as well. Things were salvaged when new guy from the christmas party showed up and started dancing and flirting with me. He took my number and called me to have a safe drive home and over the week we were texting a bit too.

We had our first date on Jan 4th. He picked me up for coffee at 8 and we ended up talking until 12:30am. Then we played pool for a couple of hours. All in all it was a great casual first date. For the next month it was mostly flirting on the dance floor, making out at his place after watching movies on his couch and the occasional actual date out - a movie, or bowling. The whole time he would talk about things to do when it got warm out, what we would do when we had our first argument, things like that. Things that made it sound like he thought this was heading for a relationship.

The February hit and I got silence. We made plans on a monday to have a movie night at his place on Friday, and I didn't hear again from him until thursday - he couldn't make it to the club like normal. He picked me up on Friday an hour late w/ no call or anything. He stopped the movie with 1/2 hour left to help his mom w/ some airline problems. Then I had to initiate the usual make-out session. Eventually he took me home with out asking what I was doing for the rest of weekend. I let it slide until the following tuesday when I cracked. I called him up and left a message along the lines "You should be calling the girl you're supposed to be dating. How did you go from calling and texting me everyday, stopping by my apartment at 4am just so we'd get a chance to see eachother on a saturday, to absolutely nothing for days? It seems to me that if you're not contacting me then you're not thinking of me which means that we've got to talk about weather you're losing interest or what."

He called back a few hours later with "oh no, I don't want you to feel that way, what are your plans tomorrow, the next day?"

We had lunch two days after. I thought it was hunky-dory, he was making things up to me, I just had to tell him what I wanted and he'd make adjustments (he is a couple years younger than me after all). Then the bill came. He didn't pick it up, didn't pick it up and then looks at me and says "So..." which is his lead in to all questions, "what feelings are you getting from me?" The cold shoulder. And he proceeds to tell me that despite all my wonderful qualities (90% of them physical) he didn't feel for me what he should and didn't want to take me along for the ride.

I have never been so totally fleeced in all my life. This guy totally made me believe that we had something good starting and then pulled the rug out from under me in less than five seconds.

To make matters worse - I had planned a weekend to chicago for dancing with some people for Valentine's weekend. Back when New Guy and I were together I tried to get him to come along, but he had some other responsibility he couldn't get out of. As I was finalizing my ride out to Chicago the monday before I'm supposed to leave, I find out that New Guy and our mutual friend are coming after all and they're getting a ride with my ride.

Looking back on it I should have bailed on my weekend. I ended up having a miserable time and getting really sick as well. The drive to Chicago was miserable. The night before I had gone out with girlfriends and had all of 2 hours of sleep before being picked up. Then I got to ride in the back between New Guy and his friend and proceeded to not sleep at all. That night when out dancing I got to watch New Guy flirt with and pick up some girl, and listen to his friend congratulate him. Then NG and his new girl sat outside his hotel room (right next to my hotel room) for an hour talking, before leaving - presumably to her room.

Thankfully after mentioning to my ride how aweful it was having NG around, and that I was deathly ill on sunday when we left, I got to ride up front going home. But I know NG and his friend wanted to talk about the girl, but made it pretty obvious that they couldn't when I was in the car. Pointed looks in my direction and "oh, well...." trailing into silence before changing the subject.

There are a huge number of reasons why NG and I wouldn't have worked out in the long run, but I'm insensed at being rejected by him. I'm crazed over the fact that he built up my expectations only to bring them crashing down on me. I'm pissed that my weekend away, that I was looking forward to because I wasn't going to have to look at his stupid face or act like I was totally fine around him was ruined.

And now I'm stuck in the same stupid boat that I was over J. Only J at least had the decenecy to never claim that he liked me in the first place.

Enjoy the 20%

2007-12-18T21:35:00.000-08:00

My regular dance instructor is back from vacation. I have been missing him for two weeks. He has an amazing attitude about life. He will always answer "fantastic" to the question of how he is. Because he's always fantastic it's the rest of the world that changes from day to day. He also says that life is 80% miserable stuff that happens to you and 20% great stuff and you can spend your life complaining about the bad or you can enjoy the 20%.

He gave me a tough lesson today. I won't lie that I was feeling good today. I had an impromptu session with SOG. We are really starting to perfect the tricks in my solo routine, and he says once I'm down solid I'll be ready to do regular shows with him (take that J and B!). Obviously I've got serious work to do to improve my dancing, but I thought I'd made good progress. And I did make good progress with my regular instructor too, but he has the knack for saying the right thing that makes me want to break down in tears with 'but I though ...". Part of it is that I have always been an intellectual person. So now I am trying to learn to make my body do things it has never done and that I have never thought about making it do. I am also trying to make it do things that in ordinary every day life we just don't do. The moves in ballroom/latin dancing are more sensual and romantic than any booty dancing bump & grind in a club could ever be. I have to break the mental barrier, stop analyzing the how of it and just go by feel. Yeah it feels like I'm moving too much, but in dance reality it's barely enough. But at the end he says he wants to take me to do a showcase in the summer in another town about two hours away from here.

So all the shit with J might be what I consider to be the 80%, but I'm choosing to revel in the fact that two dancers who are leagues ahead of J in ability want me to dance with them. It may only be 20% but it's a good 20%.

The hits keep on comin'

2007-12-17T00:04:00.000-08:00

I went to a birthday party for another girl I dance with on Saturday. We had a big snow storm, but I missed the bulk of it by staying in doors eating, drinking and dancing with my friends.

The best part of saturday day night was getting to know the Birthday Girl. We've danced together on the team for a couple of months, but I've never gotten to hang out with her much. The next part was dancing - she and I totally tore up the floor alternating between booty dancing and leading each other, and then dancing with SOG. He came with his new almost girlfriend, but this time it didn't stop him from dancing with us. This wasn't one of our regular dancing places with a crowd of dancers who aren't that impressed with good dancers because the place is 75% good dancers, or at least dance lovers. This was a martini bar that had a dance floor. So many people were asking where we learned to dance, and what studio we danced at. He was dipping us, dropping us, everything short of full on tricks and lifts. Then I drove the B-day Girl home and we talked some more while she sobered up. It was a really fun time.

Earlier in the night I called B to find out if she was coming. I had a feeling she was dancing with J, but she hadn't said as much, and another of our girlfriends thought she was coming, so I called. No, I was right she was dancing with J and then she was going to go home to her boyfriend.

Last night I find out that no, she didn't go home to her boyfriend's she went out dancing with J.

How did I find out? B-day Girl and I were raving about how much fun we had with SOG, his new girl, and the others at the bar, we talked about how he danced with us. And B chimes in with "oh yeah, that's what J and I did." And went on about how the crowd loved it etc.

I seriously wonder about her sometimes. She dances with all of these guys and hardly any of them know she has a serious boyfriend. She admits to being over-the-top flirtatious when she dances - she's been kissed twice by guys on the dance floor - and in the past it has gotten her into trouble with her boyfriend. It makes me seriously doubt her feelings for this guy or at least wonder if he's not just some comfort zone from which she can tease all these guys.

And even as I type this I am wondering why do I care? because I'm jealous. 'cuz the guys do want her, 'cuz J wants her and one of these days I'm expecting her to come back with a story about J kissing her on the dance floor like he did me. Or worse finding out that she's ruined things with her boyfriend for J - chosen J over the bf over our friendship.

The World as I know it

2007-12-14T22:24:00.000-08:00

Wow. I didn't realize how long it had been since I last posted. Stuff has been going on, but I've been in a funk lately. Which I suppose is the natural outcome of being pushed out of one's job and not getting the one hoped for. I'm sitting in an apartment I can't afford with a hobby I can't afford and no job prospects on the horizon.

To make matters worse my dancing world is also going topsy turvy. A few weeks ago I was in the middle of my private lesson when who do I see walk into the dance studio? BMG. At first I thought I was imagining things, but that was not the case. She was there, and she was there to stay. For two weeks she was there every day I was. The second week she was helping out behind the reception desk and the owner was talking like she already had a job lined up there doing sales. I managed to admit to my instructor that I had a jealousy issue with her, and that seems to have helped. I don't think that we can be friends but, at least I don't really hate her. The fact that he did say that she was a better dancer than me probably helped - odd I know. But he's my dance guru so there is not more hiding from the truth there - that and the fact that he said he was also positive that I am smarter. That just makes me smile.

I did a performance two weeks ago and it went horribly. For one most of the other girls ditched so there were only two of us. But to make matters worse. I discovered that my good friend B, was not skipping because of work like she originally said. She was skipping because she is now one of J's dance partners and she had a performance for that. Two actually.

I handled the news well for a few days. I saw B on Tuesday for a lesson with SOG and we made plans to work out together Wednesday morning. I was even nice enough to ask how the performances went even though she hadn't told me about them a another girl had. She jabbered away about being nervous etc. We talked about J as a dancer. The thing is that I've given B the short version of what happened with J and I. How I admitted to feelings for him and he just "wanted to have fun" and now ignores me. But she can be friends with who ever she wants, but I'm having a hard time not feeling betrayed.

I did fine until that night. We went out dancing and I don't know what she said as we were leaving, but I got home and sobbed my eyes out. I don't know if is the fact that she was going to be dancing with him again today, or that she got kissed on the dance floor by some other guy that made me realize she's infinitely more wanted than me. It just broke my heart the idea of them dancing together. I just sobbed and sobbed for knowing that no matter how good of a dancer I might become, I will never be good enough for J to ask me to be his partner.

And then Thursday came. I was puffy eyed and exhausted from crying myself to sleep, but felt a little better. It isn't as if I ever had to see them together. She knows I don't like going out to that club. Except that I was wrong.

I had a hair appointment right before another joint private with B and SOG. I had been wanting a change for a while - depression does that to me. Usually it's a guy, but not having a job and being turned down for the job I wanted counts. So she gave me what I wanted - something totally different. It was actually to the point where people didn't recognize me. At rehearsal after our lesson one girl thought I was a new member. At the club later I had my regular partners not asking me to dance and guys that don't generally ask me asking me.

I felt fantastic like I was the belle of the ball - cinderella but with out the curfew. Unfortunately I was wrong about the whole not seeing J and B together. Because around 10:30 I sit down after a dance and feel a touch on my elbow. I turn only to see J holding his hand out asking me to dance. I don't think it's a coincidence that B hasn't been out dancing in a couple months because of her work schedule but the one night she does come out with us J also shows up, I also don't think it's a coincidence that he asked me dance on the one night that my friends who see me 5 times a week didn't recognize me. Obviously he danced mostly with B and only asked me the one time.

I still had a great time though. I even went out and danced with B trying to lead her through what few moves I know. Granted I was just fooling around, but I saw J watching us, and the mean spirited part of me just wanted to show him that she and I are friends. So that if he tries anything I will know about it. And I wouldn't put it past him to try something on her. Despite the fact that she has a boyfriend, she knows she over the top flirtatious. I asked her after the kissing incident if she said "hey, I've got a boyfriend, this is just dancing" and she said "oh, I probably should have." This is the boyfriend she moved across the country to be with.

A part of me is still hurt by the whole thing. But I also had the thought that he must see what a good dancer I am. I know that I am at least as good as B if not better. And it is more to do with personality than anything else. I'm confused by his inability to be nice or friendly despite my efforts. I can't see how he would think that I'm still hung up on him (sure maybe I am a little - but not in a stalker, I'm gonna wait forever for you, or a if I can't have noone can). I have never gone off on him or come on to him again. I can only imagine that it is imaturity on his part - but that is the part that is hard to get my head around. Sure you may not want to go out with me, but I am a likable person, and I don't see why he doesn't like me.

Stupid ass pride - but Thursday was such a good night. I am seriously hoping I can stop feeling bad about this. I will probably never go see them perform, but B is still my friend and J can go fuck himself for all I care.

Zero Prospects

2007-11-16T13:38:00.000-08:00

Well, I didn't get the job I wanted. After two weeks of waiting I got the official No. Even though I was at the top of their list, I got rejected for not having direct experience. So what was the point? Two and a half months of effort and waiting and hoping for this to come through. When the whole time they knew I didn't have direct experience.

And I'm pissed off about my current job. I wish I had listened to my gut a year ago and not taken this job. Because now I'm left with nothing.

Stalker boy

2007-11-13T06:54:00.001-08:00

I was afraid that he would, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, unfortunately he didn't deserve it. M showed up to one of my dance classes last night. I knew he had taken the class before but hadn't been there in months because that was the night he has his daughter over.

I had a sneaking suspicion and I was gonna skip class, but I really needed to practice my team routine. Knowing I haven't been motivated to practice at home, I was going to make use of the time before and after class to work on it. I should have just done it at home - I didn't get as much practice as I wanted in, because he showed up early and started talking to me. Asking when he could see me again, reminding me that he promised me a better time next time, and mentioning that he was going to come to our team's dress rehersal this week. Apparently SOG has been inviting him to them so that we have an audience but that he hasn't taken him up on the offer. So why is he doing it now? He didn't say, but I can guess.

I told him repeatedly that it would weird me out / psych me out if he was there and that I wish he wouldn't come. That is of course SOG's point in getting us used to an audience. But it's not the same when the guy who is the audience wants you and you're not wanting him.

To top it off, I didn't get to practice after class either. Usually while my dance instructor is giving a private lesson I use the other side of the studio to practice. There is usually nobody else there. Last night though everyone was hanging around talking, practicing for a show etc. I ended up talking to this other guy. I've had my eye on him for awhile he reminds me a bit of J in looks - but is actually nice. We talked for maybe half an hour. He definitely has a girlfriend, which made me back off for a bit, but lately I've seen him watching me even when he's with her. Not that I'm going to go trying to break him up or anything, but there's no harm in being very friendly just in case.

As for M - I think that I'm turning into the J of this scenario. My only plan at this point is to use him for sex for a few months while letting it naturally kind of fade away. Of course, I think I should actually tell him that I am not interested in a romantic relationship. That way when it doesn't last or develope into something more he can't say he wasn't warned.

That was a bad idea.

2007-11-12T06:17:00.000-08:00

Why is it that even as I'm thinking "this is such a bad idea" I continuing to do what ever it is that I think I shouldn't be doing?

One of the guys I dance with at the different clubs and who is frequently in classes and workshops that I take invited me over about a month ago to work on some dance moves. He also works with SOG and I have helped him out in his lessons there. On Friday he invited me out for the weekend. I figured we'd have dinner and go somewhere to dance.

Instead he made dinner for me (it wasn't very good) and said he wasn't really interested in going out dancing as he'd been in workshops all day (not ones that I attended). So instead he went through a few dance moves and then kissed me. Well, talked about my lips alot and then kissed me.

This guy is too old for me. Not in the age number sense, but in the divorced with a teenage daughter sense. And while I knew he liked me I never really expected him to try anything so I figured I was safe in being nice to him. And I figured if got anywhere near official dating territory that I'd give the whole I'm really flattered but I feel too young for you or some other equally phony excuse.

Well so much for that plan. Because then we're making out on the couch. All is fine. He's not a great kisser, but passable and then he starts going for the nipples. I do not understand what it is about me that when I'm making out with a guy for the first time that he thinks okay, it's time to go for it. Seriously - shouldn't that be second or third date territory? The whole time I'm thinking "why me?" and "I really shouldn't be doing this." The next thing I know shirts are off and he's carrying me to his bedroom.

I wish I could blame the two glasses of wine and the shot of tequila for my very bad judgement. But the truth is I've been through a dry spell since the X left town and J seems to be done with me and I let my body take over.

I have this problem with saying what I feel and mean when I mean and feel it. I did that to K. As soon as I was sure I wasn't interested in dating him. That was bad enough and he still gives me the "I miss you" treatment and sad puppy dog eyes when I run into him. Now here is this guy (M) I am not interested in a relationship with him but I ended up sleeping with him on the second pseudo date. It wasn't even that great. But to be fair I can't imagine any first time being as good as the first time with J. And maybe that has a lot to do with it too.

I had a bad dance team practice and I have gotten a left over dress to wear after all the other girls (some of the ones that joined after I did) chose theirs. It is not what I would have picked, and it is not as flattering as the one I had been wearing, but the Alpha Girl (friend of BMG and she's been on the team longest) decided she wanted that one. I find the whole thing completely unfair. I work on the nights that they have practice and because I wasn't there last week I get stuck with the dress no one else wants. I can't even tell why my dress was given to AG. She already had a smokin' hot dress to wear. The one I'm stuck with shows off the top of my thighs which I hate and gives me no waist because it's a box. It has an ugly neckline and I'll have to wear my hair up to give me some semblince of a neck at all.

Coming from that practice and feeling like crap about it, and comparing M to J while we're making out. I think led to very bad decision making. And now I'm stuck back peddling (yet again) to figure out how to not end up this guy's girlfriend.

Wow - that's low

2007-11-02T09:40:00.000-07:00

My department head is on the phone setting up an interview for my job right now.

I haven't even handed her a letter yet. WTF?

People suck.

I'm glad I'm leaving. But I wish I had never told them I was going to. I wish I could have left them scrambling for awhile first.

Wow, and I thought she was the good one

2007-11-02T07:19:00.001-07:00

I was told to write my letter of resignation today.

I had met with my department head before and I let her know that I was interviewing for jobs. I knew that my end of probation review was coming up around Thanksgiving, I just couldn't test out whether I'd be fired or not. In meeting with her then I was basically told that her review of me would be lukewarm - not good enough for me to keep my job.

Today she comes up asks me how the job hunt is going and to get a letter ready. She even pulled out a schedule to find out when would be the best time for me to say is my last day.

I really hate people soemtimes

Externalize the Stress

2007-10-23T10:43:00.000-07:00

My skin is looking amazingly better this week. I've gone about three days with no new breakouts and only have three blemishes that are healing pretty quickly and some left over scars from the past 10 months. A few newer ones are already starting to fade. My instructor says that in 6-7 months I'll be all clear.

He tells me that part of the process is to externalize my stress. I can't keep hanging on to it and letting it pressure cook inside of me.

That's how sucky life can be

2007-10-22T14:43:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I'm hurt or surprised.

I was finishing my dinner break and one of my old co-workers (from my old department) and the girl they replaced me with came in. They were leaving together - going to yoga.

I know it's stupid. This girl is struggling in that job now too. Why do I begrudge her an office friend? Because she was my friend.

I was sat down by my supervisor on Friday and basically told that if I don't resign before Thanksgiving that she would be put in the awkward position of giving me a so-so review on my probationary review which could in all likely-hood result in me being fired.

I am still counting on the other job coming though (I have an interview on the First) and I've interviewed for a back up job too. So I knew I'd be leaving before then anyway. But having that said to you sucks.

Two Weeks

2007-10-18T14:49:00.000-07:00

Well, two weeks after I texted J I officially give up.

I deleted his phone number out of my cell's phone book and I am not answering any text messages should they happen to come my way.

Since we don't seem to talk to each other when we are out either, it should be no problem to ignore his existence completely.

Surreal

2007-10-10T08:12:00.000-07:00

I am finding it hard to believe that a month ago I was giving SOG and his girls death glares, but now I am hanging out with them and on the route to being friends.

I ended up doing two shows this weekend the regularly scheduled October 6 show, and filling in at the last minute on Friday as well. Then we had regular practice on Sunday. We all went out on Saturday night after the show to until like 5am. So it was alot of bonding time with people I used to think were too cool to be around.

I'm having trouble with my instructor's instructions to start forgiving people. I have reawakened my loathing for J. Last Wednesday he blanked me at a club. Didn't say hi and didn't ask me to dance. He said good-bye to SOG, but I don't even think J looked in my direction even though there were times that he was dancing right next to me. Then on Thursday I made the mistake of text messaging him. I wasn't trying to get together with him. I was out at my usual Thursday night club, I was thinking of B and J, and wondering why he never came out to this club, but the one time a few months ago. So I texted him and asked that. Today is Wednesday and he never responded. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that he was out of town for the weekend. There was a huge dance congress out of town (the one that BMG quit the dance team in order to attend) and it's not impossible to believe that he would go. This didn't cheer me up when I thought of the possibility of J and BMG going together.

On Saturday as I was hanging out with B after our show J came up in conversation. I was pissed with him, I wanted her to know that he was just trying to get into her pants so I ended up saying something to that effect - that J was only calling and texting her to get into pants and that he'd stop if she would tell him that she has a boyfriend. I also called him a jerk because he never responded to my texts and only contacted me when he wanted to have sex. She rightly inferred that we had slept together, but promised she wouldn't say anything. The other girl on the team S (who is good friends with BMG) has the hots for L (we changed the subject when she came in to who on the dance scene would you sleep with given the chance). S also has a boyfriend, but things aren't going well. I wish I could have said don't bother, L is alot sexier out of bed than in it. S also mentioned J, but just to say that he had asked her to dance with him at his club a few times but was never able to.

I am still in the "I hate him but I want to win" mode. I want to dance really well with SOG sometime when J is watching. I want him to know that I'm not taking lessons with SOG, but that I'm on his dance team, just like all the other girls he's asked to help him out. I want him to know that I am good enough and then I want to squash him and his puny little ice-cold heart.

This attitude is a far way from forgiveness. I think even though I don't like her - I never got to know her - I have forgiven BMG. That was easier because the rational side of my brain always knew she wasn't an instigator and that she never really "stole" J away from me because he wasn't mine. But forgiving J is proving to be a much harder task. For five or six days now all I can think about is that he's a jackass, a bastard, a jerk and many other explicatives. I know I shouldn't want to be with someone like this. I deserve so much better. And I'm never going to change his mind or open his eyes he's never going "come to his senses." But giving up on him and forgiving him for his jerky behavior are not the same thing at all. I have yet to manage the first one even though every rational part of my being is trying to get me to do it.

The best laid plans

2007-09-30T21:29:00.001-07:00

Well, I did it. I convinced B to come out to J's club with her boyfriend. I was super excited. I was looking forward to seeing J and seeing what happened when he met B's boyfriend. I wore the best outfit. Short flirty skirt and a shiny tank top. I looked so good!

I was the first to get there before SOG, before B and anyone else that was showing up. I get there and there are three cop cars parked out front, a bunch of people standing outside on the street, and a huge man in black with a walkie-talkie standing at the front door. They weren't letting anyone in, but some customers were walking out who said that the police were coming and going, but that they were letting everyone in there finish their dinner. We stood outside for a while, but every time we asked we were given a later time for when we'd be allowed in. Finally when everyone showed up we went somewhere else. I tried texting J to find out if he was inside and if he had any info - but he was not/did not.

It ended up being a rather lame night. I was also way over dressed for the place we went to next. And my food wasn't even that good for all the bragging that SOG and some other person in our group did about the place. They played some good music even though we only had one guy (SOG) to five ladies.

I am disapointed that I didn't get to see J interact with B and her boyfriend. But I did manage to ask her how she knew J. Because she had never been to J's club before. I thought that was how she knew him. But no - apparently she danced with him once at a different club, thought he was hot, and then another time when she was talking to him and someone else she made the mistake of saying something about how cute he was or how much she thought of him. But you think she would have backtracked herself and mentioned - "oh but I have a boyfriend."

Oh well whatever. I keep trying to tell myself not to worry about it. J is a player and he's gonna go after other girls. I also have to remind myself that last saturday was an odd occurance and to stop getting my hopes up that he's gonna call again. He was probably hoping to get with B and settled for me instead. As much as I don't really don't have time for a boyfriend right now, I really wish I could meet someone who could take my mind off of J. It's been a year now - why can't get over this jackass?

Forgiving

2007-09-27T17:12:00.000-07:00

My dance teacher is getting in the habit of making me cry.

Yesterday it was posture. He tells me I'm not the slump shouldered, rounded back, "don't look at me" postured girl. I thought I was getting better, but I tend to carry all of my stress in my shoulders so I tighten them up alot.

He tells me the next step for skin is to start forgiving. Me, the people in my past what ever is making me try to hide. Unfortunately he used the "g" word as in if you need to ask for help in the forgiving process. I should have just said that I'm agnostic and thus God and I aren't really on speaking terms. He also said that if I wanted to talk or anything, get a drink whatever that he'd be there.

But that would involve admitting all the horrible catty-ness that I fall prey to. And I'm not ready to show that side of me yet. I care too much what he thinks of me.

Extra time is Bonding time

2007-09-26T12:34:00.001-07:00

Managed to meet up with SOG last night. B was there too. I headed over after work and they wanted to eat when I got there. So we pile into SOG's car head to a fast food place and take it back to SOG's house.

The weirdest thing, is when I walk in, I am greeted to the sight of a shirtless dance instructor from my studio. The same one I've saw BMG having a lesson with a couple of weeks ago.

It was probably 7 by the time we actually started dancing. Turns out, the reason I need extra time - I'm not dancing the same dance as the other girls. It's kind of like initiation. The first performance for a new girl is always this one. So we practiced and I only half sucked. There is one particular move that I have never been comfortable with. It's a front dip where the guy rotates the girl's upper body in an arc. You've got to rdie the guy's knee in order to get the right bend in your back. I can not loosen up enough to do it. I had better get over that though I guess.

We also tried on dresses. Apparently SOG doesn't have enough for all the girls (he thought he did, but he's one short). I was not allowed to even think about trying on the one that BMG wears. B says she's very territorial about it. I'm not suprised, it's short and has a huge diamond cut out from sternum to below the navel, revealing BMG's favorite body party. I wouldn't want it anyway it's a weird lemony green color. Instead I got to try on the dress originally reserved for B. It is now mine. She's so much tinier than I am that it fits a little better on me. You'd think that was a mean thing to do, but now she gets a brand new dress. She gets to go for a fitting and everything. Mine is pink,low in the front and bare in the back (which is my favorite body part to expose) and shorter in the front than the back with a weird side slit, ruffles, and thirty thousand rhinestones (not really, I just made that number up).

There's the Rub

2007-09-25T07:07:00.001-07:00

This is the problem, and why I so often tried to go cold turkey from J.

Withdrawl.

It was bad before when I was just horny or wanting to make out with somebody. Now that I've been with him again it's gotten worse. I keep thinking about this coming Friday. Either it will go well, or I'll be sad and disapointed. I'm sure it will be sad and dissapointed. That is the general track record with J. It'll be another three months before he wants to "keep me company" again.

I'm so bad I need extra tutoring

2007-09-24T07:09:00.000-07:00

My favorite social dancing night was yesterday. The place was packed and hot! ButI had a great time. I barely sat out at all and a couple of guys asked me to dance multiple times. Unfortunately I think one might have a crush on me, and the other danced like he was trying to get into my pants.

I thought B was going to come out because she missed saturday to be with her boyfriend. The other girls and SOG were there. SOG danced with me twice and everytime I'd walk by him and he wasn't dancing he'd poke me. I don't know if he was being friendly or reminding me to stand up straight. I missed B because she's the only one of the girls who's actually friendly toward me. It doesn't help that they've all known each other longer and that I am still trying to work on my animosity toward BMG who seems to be the queen bee.

As I was leaving SOG tells me that we need to meet during the week before the 2 hours I've arranged with him on Friday morning. I'm thinking - crap. I knew I didn't dance really well with him, but I must have sucked if he thinks I need extra, extra work. I keep wondering when he'd gonna figure out that I'm not cut out for his team and give me the pink slip.

Will Power, Psychic Powers, and the Power of Morning Breath

2007-09-23T10:16:00.000-07:00

I am weak willed, I know this. Unfortunately I do nothing to change it.

I went out last night. It's a new place - or an old place that they are trying to make new really. But the turn out was good. I got there 10ish and the place was empty an hour later it was jam packed. I left about 1am. I had invited B, she lives near me and I thought we could go together. But she needed to spend time with the boyfriend and at first considered bringing him with, but in the end they went elsewhere.

Secretly I hope she does bring the BF out with her, the "team" is supposed to go to J's club this Friday. I'm wondering if I can subtely suggest that she bring the BF with her. It's a good atmosphere for dancers and non-dancers alike.

On the way home I was in full fantasy mode thinking of what that Friday would be like. I ended up with the fantasy of a conversation with J (I also imagined that I'd have to be kind of tipsy - and he would have to had thawed his heart enough to give a shit about my feelings). It was pretty simple where he asks if I hate him now and I go off on the reasons that I hate what went down between us. I had quite a list at 1:15am last night.

At 1:16 my phone goes off with a text message from J asking if I went dancing. IT was pretty freaky considering I had just been having an imaginary conversation with him. Through a series of texts he asks if I'm at home alone and if I want company. So yeah, I gave in and around 2am he came over.

The high point was he stayed over and left around 8am. The low point, when he fell asleep around 3am in the middle of me going down on him. That has never happened to me before. The X was always very complimentary about my abilities in that area. But I let it go and lay down next to him and fell asleep too. It was a nice little breather of about 20 minutes before he started up again and neither one of us mentioned that he fell asleep.

I didn't think he was going to stay. When he got up to use the bathroom I thought for sure the "thank you" was coming and that he'd get dressed and go. But instead he got in under the covers put his arm around me and we fell asleep. He must dream in Spanish or plan his lessons (yep, he does have a teaching job) in his sleep. Because at one point when I shifted I must have woke him up just long enough for him to say "Cuantos anos tienes?" I know what it means, and I can't think he's asking me. So when I said what? He just said, "anos, anos" (sorry, can't make a tilde for the N) and went right back to sleep.

In the morning he got up I asked him what he was up to for the day, I had to work, he said he had to grade 130 spanish papers. When he left he said that he would kiss me but he had serious morning breath. I said I did too, but I didn't force the issue. It rang more towards the "I would kiss you, but I don't want you to make more of this than it is" type excuse.

What's really bad is that most of the time - even as I lay next to him when he fell asleep half way through - I kept thinking "I win! I win!" but in the back of my mind I wondered if he wasn't wishing I was B.

I am interested to see what will happen on Friday when I go with the Team to his club.

Why not me?

2007-09-22T06:01:00.000-07:00

B has the hots for J. She said as much on Thursday nights. Now she has a boyfriend that she moved across the country to be with, so I don't think she's going to go after him. But on thursday she talked about feeling bad about how a couple of weeks ago he called her 3 times and finally she texted him where she'd be on Sunday but then left early before he got there. That was the Sunday I saw him and that he didn't stay long.

I'm seriously pissed off. I know that B doesn't know my history with J, or that I am seriously trying to get my head on straight about him. The last think I need to hear is that he's calling her left and right. Why is he going after the girl with a boyfriend, but he couldn't keep in touch with the girl he slept with for months. Even before I came out and told him I liked him he didn't contact me except for sex.

What is it about B that he treats her like a friend, and I got used and thrown away?

I could have been working with him

2007-09-20T12:49:00.000-07:00

Turns out that J is now teaching and teacher training at a local Arthur-Murray dance studio. One of his former students (the one who busted out with "J and I still dance sometimes" back last October) goes there. She showed up on a testing day and there he was.

The funny thing is I remember reading the announcement looking for A-M teachers in early August. It was right when I got the news that managment here isn't satisfied with my performance. I thought that maybe I would give it a shot. A-M teaches people to be dance teachers. That way they groom you into being the dancer/teacher they want.

The reason I decided against it was that their training is the same time as classes at my dance studio. There was also the fact that my mother would totally disaprove, but if I decide to do it in the future (and I'm thinking seriously about it) I would just wouldn't tell her until I got a job somewhere. It would be a better deal than the Ballroom Dance Teacher College in San Fran. Although, that is still a possibility. A friend of mine is in grad school right now, just broke up with her boyfriend and moved out of their apartment. She would move to San Fran with me after she graduates.

There's the science

2007-09-19T06:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my instructor told me stop using my medicated washes on my skin. To get topical vitamin E and aloe, to mix them together and put it on my skin after I wash my face. He did infact talk about the actual causes of acne this time and didn't discuss the universe and my terminal. He also talked about psychology. And that some of it might be psychosomatic. That I am some how attached to my acne for psychological reasons.

I was trying to figure out when my skin really started getting bad. It was fine last summer. I don't see anything in my holiday pictures either. So I'm thinking it had to be spring time - round about when I went off and back on the pill because I was confused about what I was doing with J, and then the whole BMG jealousy spike.

Now, It could have been going back on the pill. Even though it was a pill that is meant to help my skin. I even switched brands and it made barely a marginal difference. I am hoping this holistic approach my instructor is trying will work (I just looked up holistic to make sure I was using it right - and it turns out that I am the connection between mind, body, spirit. And there is even a mention of kinesiology here.) and I won't have to go off the pill I'm on. I like the lack of period I get with it.

So the vitamin E and Aloe is supposed to "nurish" my skin. The mind part is the psychological attachment part. I made myself write down all of the ways I might be psychologically attached to this in the hopes that if I recognize the reasons it will be easier to let go of them. To see that I don't really want to hang on to those reasons. I don't really want to be held back.

The spirit part - well I consider myself an agnostic. I have no faith for religion or atheism. But I believe in something - it some kind of cosmic butterfly effect. In that what I do affects the universe, other people, and myself. I generally use Karma as a catch all for this idea, even though I don't know that I truely believe in re-incarnation, so the term isn't accurate in the way that I use it.

I'm not saying that the universe is getting back at me for harboring hatred toward BMG. But maybe my poisonous thoughts and feelings are having negative consequences for me.

Why do I feel Undeserving?

2007-09-18T06:39:00.000-07:00

I went to dance class last night. All went well, I had fun. I let my dance teacher know about the performance group I joined. Although I have not been able to get ahold of SOG to book a time to start learning this stuff. I hope my work schedule doesn't allow me to fall through the cracks.

My instructor was pretty proud of me. He says that he knows that there was a time I would have said no to an opportunity like that. The thing is that I want to be the type of person who thrives on peforming, on being seen by other people, but a part of me is also terrified of that. I'm working on getting rid of the terror and sticking with the positive.

Then he asks me about my skin. I've been using the Proactive for nearly 3 months now and my skin is only marginally better. I still break out nearly every day. They just seem to be smaller and come and go faster than they did before. It is highly frurstrating. I think that alot has to do with the pill. It has gotten a little bit better since I switched perscriptions. He tells me he can help.

I don't really get it to be honest. And I don't know how to explain it so that it doesn't sound completely crazy. He says he works with Kinesology. I thought that was sports medicine. But the way he describes it, it goes to what I would call a spiritual level. He talked about the universe being like the internet, and people are the terminals. But you don't have access to another terminal with out that person's permission. So he basically was asking me permission to "access my terminal." I know how it sounds - If it had been anyone else I would have thought he was propositioning me. But he just wants to help me - he wants me to acheive my goals. He doesn't want me continuing to feel self conscious about my skin.

It was so amazingly nice. On the process itself I remain slightly skeptical. But he told me to keep visualizing how I'll look and feel with clear skin and I can do that. I ended up crying. First because it does make me self consious and also because I can't get over that he wants to help me like this. I don't really get it - even though he says he does it because he can. My dance instructor isn't the only one, my old boss, SOG I don't know what they see in me that gives them confidence in me. I lack it so much of the time.

If you can't beat 'em, Join 'em.

2007-09-17T10:58:00.000-07:00

Well, it is official I am joining the performance troupe that SOG runs and BMG is on. At first it was hard. I showed up about 5 minutes early on Sunday and BMG was finishing a private lesson with an instructor from my dance studio. (No wonder I never saw her at the classes, because she can bring them to her.) He recognized me - but I kind of let them finish up talking and didn't really talk to her. SOG asked her to lead me in stretching and obviously she can do the splits and stuff that I can't. But never once did he insinuate that I wouldn't be able to do what she does. I watched the routine. I like parts of it, but others are a little weird. Maybe when there are 6 girls in a row doing it together it'll look better.

B showed up (the girl I like and have hung out with) I think she and I are on the same page with being frustrated with how good the other girls are. I'm amazed at the fact that even in a dance class BMG insinsts on the bare midrift. Literally she tied her t-shirt up in the back so that her tummy was out. I don't get it.

In the end though, I think this is a good oportunity to get over my irrational dislike of her. She was friendly. And having seen the end of her lesson, and hearing her express frustration about steps and not getting certain body movements. I realized that she's learning too. According to B she spends every waking minute doing this, so no wonder she's alot better faster - I thought I was just crazy in thinking she wasn't that great back in February. I was little uncomfortable when she asked me if I knew J. But then it was my fault for wearing my university t-shirt. I'm just waiting for somebody to let me know that they are going out. She was impressed that I learn other dances at my studio and wants to learn others too. She took my phone number. Again - I am trying to get over my irrational hatred, so I am trying to tell myself that it will be okay if she comes to the studio.

Being with the performance team I will get extra dance time, extra lessons with SOG at a reasonable price that pays for the dance space. I knew that my mom would be the hardest to convince that doing this was a good idea of if the price was too high, monthly dues for rehersal space, and a pair of performance quality dance shoes. The costumes are provided, private lessons are provided in exchange for performaning at smaller events. My mom thought it was wonderful. She was so excited.

The first performance is on the 6th. So I don't have a lot of time to get ready. I am both extremely excited and extreamely nervous at the same time.

Okay, where's Allen Funt?

2007-09-14T06:24:00.000-07:00

Seriously. First the note on the car and now this.

I get to the club last night and as I'm walking I get greeted to BMG. She's back to jazz pants and mid-drift baring tops instead of short skirts. I guess that means it's officially fall. I was hoping she had some other committments (school maybe) come up because she hasn't been there for two weeks.

No such luck.

The advanced lesson was still going on so I was just milling with people when Show Off Guy comes up and takes me by the hand. Now, he rarely dances with me. I always figured I wasn't good enough. Even though I've gotten better in the past couple months due to my private lessons with my jedi master (he really is). I had seen him going over a step with someone when I first came in, I figured maybe he just wanted to practice, though I was dumfounded as to why he would ask me. But that was not it. Instead he just took me aside, away from people, and asked me if I'd ever considered performing on a dance team because he's got one and would I like to look into it.

Who me?

He gave me his card and asked me to call him. That I could come by when the girls rehearse and see what it's all about.

It's weird, because I did dance with him on Sunday. I even wanted to ask him, since he does teach etc, if he could give me one or two things to work on. But I never worked up the courage, especially since he stopped dancing with me after more people arrived that night.

I'm a little afraid he'll expect me to take lessons with him, because I think the other girls do. But I am highly invested in my dance studio. I'm highly, highly invested in my jedi master (aka dance instructor). I just plunked down $75 per private lesson to the tune of more than $900 with the expectation that I'll plunk down another $900 in a month. For a total of 6 months of private lessons. Sounds like a lot, but that's with a discount from $90 per lesson to $75.

I shall this weekend, though. Because I am going to go check it out.

Oddly enough, B came up to me when she was leaving and said she was very excited that I was "joining the team." That she had asked him tonight about asking me.

Twelve hours later I'm still majorly suprised.

The world and everyone in it is out to get me

2007-09-13T09:42:00.000-07:00

The good:
On Monday I found out that my resume was passed on to the hiring manager for the job I really, really want.
Yesterday I emailed a woman over there that I had met with once before. Just to let her know that I had applied and to remind her of me. It worked and she is in fact on the interview committee.

The BAD:
On Tuesday when stopping for cleaning supplies I reached for some bleach only to have it spill all down a very pretty green hoodie that I own. I ended up getting a gift card from the store manager to replace it, but even so there is a huge white streak down the right side.

On the drive home I took a wrong turn and was pulled over by a police officer. I now have a $115 speeding ticket.

The just plain Weird:
I went out last night (like always) danced up a storm and when I get back to my car there is a note on it. I'm thinking "shit, just what I need, somebody hit my car. But at least they left a note." And I start looking for damage. There isn't any so I grab the note and it says "Saw you dancing and wanted to say hi. You've got a great ass, if you want to get to know me better call me XXX-XXX-XXXX, First & Last name."

Um, what? I'm picturing a bunch of cars peppered with similar notes, because how in the world does this guy (I didn't recognize his name) know who I am and which car is mine?

Now I'm Suspicious

2007-09-09T21:33:00.001-07:00

I didn't want to admit before, but last week's text messages from J, about how nice I was, and XOXO struck me as being from a girl. Now, I know he lives with his phone. I saw him tonight, his phone was in his back pocket and he checked it in between every song.

But before then I was hanging out with Show Off Guy and one of his "girls" aka member of his dance team - B. She's nice, a little older than the other ones, and apparently very new to dancing. How in the world SOG decided to put her on the team I have no idea. But whatever. So, SOG is off dancing and B leans toward me asks me if I know J. I say yeah, and she says that he's probably coming. She dances one or two more, and then decides to leave. I dance one or two more, go to the bathroom and J is there at the bar when I get back. We danced two songs and he didn't stay very long.

But I'm now really interested to know a) why she would think that I know J and b) why it's worth mentioning that he'd be coming out.

Confusion

2007-09-03T14:55:00.000-07:00

My new dance teacher crush has a girlfriend. On saturday I went to a dinner performance that ended with open dancing and he was there with her. Things looked a little icy between them. At one point he asked her to dance and she gave him the cold shoulder. She left pretty soon after that. I saw them again the next day. They looked a little happier to be together. I actually saw them dance and it seemed like they were having a good time. Then I saw them come in on Thursday separately and they didn't dance together, I don't even remember seeing them talk.

With the long weekend there was lots of dancing to be done. On Saturday I thought I was going to get to see J at his club. I was supposed to meet people for dinner there, but that ended up not happing, then we were going to finish the night there, but got turned around and ended up driving by a different club and dancing there instead. There were quite a few guys there that looked like him though, getting my hopes up.

I was with L, and a girl he knows who is on a dance team with BMG. Blech. But I was nice to this girl. Little did I know that I was going to meet the other girls on Sunday. I wasn't able to be as nice to them - just too young.

On Sunday I met people to see a live band, and then to the after party. At one point I thought I saw J while I was dancing with K. But it turned out not to be him. Eventually I did see him there, he walked in looking all chic with a blazer over a t-shirt and a white hat. I then went to dance with L. L is a huge flirt - so dancing with him ends up becoming a little sexy. I was just hoping that J was watching. When I danced with K again he leaned in and said how much he misses kissing me. I feel a little bad for him, because I am so not interested.

J didn't stay terribly long. The dance floor was so small it was very crowded. On the way home I texted J. Telling him he looked good in the jacket and hat and asking if he had had a good time. He eventually texted back that he did have a good night and asked if I did. I said yes even though the dance floor was small. J then texts me back "good, u know u r so nice. Love u." HUH? I think I said hi to him 3 weeks ago. So I said "LOL! That's sweet. I guess I just can't help it. :)" to which he texted "XOXO" I left it there. I didn't know what else to say other than to bring it down by asking if he was drunk and that's why he was being so nice to me. I'm just guessing that he's surprised that I don't hold a grudge for the stuff that happened between us. I mean, I wasn't nice to him before. I gave him a hard time for wanting to have sex with me after ignoring me for so long. I gave him a hard time about canceling on me at the fourth of july. But in the end - stupid me I know - I still like him. I still care about him - how he' doing, what he's up to.

I hate that he did this - even though it gives me a happy warm feeling - precicely because it gives me that happy warm feeling. My brain immediately launched into fantasy mode of him coming to his senses and actually asking me out.

Lucky Day

2007-08-25T09:27:00.001-07:00

I'm so proud that I put my moritorium on clothes buying. Because I just won a $100 shopping spree!

The Illustrated guide to my low self-esteem

2007-08-21T15:40:00.000-07:00

The sources of my discontent:

1) I have a baby face. I have what I call "chipmunk cheeks" which lend me a more youthful appearance. My skin too is a huge influence. My acne has really hit the all time worst. It's hard to feel attractive when you think you still look like a kid.

2) I have no chest. I don't fill out an A-cup. I have gotten the Nearly A and even that has some room in the cup. And since I lost weight (30 lbs, I was still only a B) the seem to be a little saggy.

3) My butt and thighs. The but is wide, flat and droopy. My thighs = saddlebags.

4) I have a sneaky suspicion that my calves are fat, or too largely muscular. I don't have a picture of it. Calves are tricky though and hard to compare to others.

And in comparison: This is what I compare myself to every week:

Then there's this:

Compared to me.

And the infamous booty shorts:

I mean really - she's hit the genetic jackpot on her lower body. The only thing I can really pick out on her is the noticable "man abs." When she wears low rise it's even more obvious that she's got no waist and handles on her abs like men have. But other than those two things - I can't put a picture of her and the fact that she's tanner and has better skin. bleh.

This is what I compare myself to on a nearly daily basis. No wonder I hate these elements of my body.

Weekend Ups and Downs

2007-08-20T09:26:00.000-07:00

Saturday was another day of special workshops with famous instructors. On Wednesday when I went out they were handing out flyers so I thought that there was a chance that J would show up. He went to the one in October, and the one in March when he was with BMG.

So I looked pretty cute that day - pink shorts w/ a white yoga top, and my ballet sippers instead of the dance heels. There is a fine line between hot and skanky when wearing shorts w/ heels. I probably wouldn't have been too close to the skanky. Unlike some people I could mention, coughBMGcough, who did show up. In crop top, shorts, tada! dance heels and rockin' some seriously old (fuzzy) . No J though. Lots of pictures of me taken though.

I had a pretty good time though. Particularly because BMG was having a hard time with some of the ladies foot/arm work. Yeah, it was hard, I got the turns with the arms, but not all of the rest. At one point, I thought she was going to cry. It made me happy in a very mean spirited way. I couldn't tell if it was a frustration born of being too hard on herself, or of thinking she should be good enough to do it.

Afterwards, YICG invited me and a few others over to his place (his and his girlfriend's) for a bbq. Last time - June - I turned down the invite. I was still a little shy at that point. But this time I went and I had a really great time.

The next day was pretty good. At first I thought that BMG wasn't going to show, but sadly, I caught sight of her eventually. Still I was having a good time. Toward the end of the night J's dance partner that I like showed up and said hi. I made the mistake of telling her I had been the one night but hadn't gotten to say hi. She misunderstood me and thought I had been there this previous friday and said she wasn't there. She tells me there are two other girls that he also dances with, BMG being one of them, and someone else who's name I didn't recognize.

That's when my night went down hill. It pisses me off. I guess I thought that at some point J would actually want me to help him. I've had fantasies about it, I offered twice (once for class, and once for this gig). I get it that he wants really good dancers. I don't know about the one girl, but BMG is really good, and girl I like is a good dancer, though I think BMG looks better dancing. But judging by the video online, they don't make J look any better.

Then as I was leaving at the end of the night I see BMG talking to one of the instructors from my dance studio who had come for the dance. BMG was asking her how long she was in town for and taking her number into her phone. Argh. This is the third instructor from my studio that I've seen her chatting too. It's bad enough I have to see her at these things and on thursday nights, but if she starts going to my dance studio... I don't like her. I don't want her around. My instructor the other night was so impressed with this one lady who was taking a particular class for the first time that he immediately asked her to be in a performance in March. Granted he's already asked me, but I'm imagining that happening w/ BMG. Is it too much to ask that I have one bastion of dancing where I am BMG free?

It is so hard not to compare myself to her already. How am I going to cope when I start seeing her more than I already do? I'll either start pushing myself too hard in an attempt to catch up, or just giving up and getting fat again.

Why does this bother me?

2007-08-16T09:11:00.000-07:00

I wish I could extinguish the torch I carry for J. I really do. Months later little things still turn me on or make me mad.

Last night I finally went back to my wednesday night dance spot. I hadn't been in a few weeks because I was just too tired, or knew that the people I dance with wouldn't be there. But this time I went, most of my usual partners weren't there, but I still had a good time. Of course out of no where comes J. I finish a dance and someone taps me on the shoulder - turn around and there he is asking me to dance. So we do - it was a pretty good dance, but I was so turned on just being near him. After that who do I run into but the new dance teacher who I have the beginnings of a crush on. We danced a couple, it was okay. I'm beginning to think he's an alcoholic though. He was a little tipsy when we were dancing - but he was still good. I lose all ability to dance properly after I've had a second drink.

I left feeling pretty awesome, I danced with a few other people, then J again and another guy who always asks me to dance when I'm there. Today I went online to see if there were any pictures up - sometimes they're quick at this place, sometimes not. I see pictures for an event on Monday. I'm clicking through them and I see this girl - I'm not sure because of the angle (she's in the middle of a turn) but I think it's J's dance partner. I recognized the dress more than anything, I remember seeing her wear in back a few months ago and thinking how does she not fall out of that dress when dancing (she's got an amble bosom and shows it off)? I click a little more, sure enough there she is with a group of guys, three more photos later there is her and J arms around each other smiling.

I never got the impression that they were together before. There were little things - like the one time at his club I told him I'd be around if he wanted to come over as he was leaving, and this was right after she said good-bye with an "I love you" and he responded "love you too." I figured it was a friends thing and the fact that she was drunk. After he left she was sitting with his brother. And two months ago J was booty calling me. So color me confused. And angry. I guess if they are just friends it's safe for him to go out with her. Unlike me who couldn't get him to go out because he wasn't interested in anything other than the sex, but wouldn't say as much because then I might end it.

I kind of hope that he and K are there and that they play a sexy slow song - K always picks me out for those dances. I'd love to dance that with someone else in front of J.

On the work front - It turns out that the administration did, does in fact have someone to start in my position as soon as I vacate. That is conveniently two weeks and a few days after I was notified and about 3 weeks after they were interviewing for a different position. I don't understand why the managent of this place had to be so middle school cloak and dagger about this situation. Just fucking tell me that you want to put someone else in my job - unless that is illegal somehow. Hmm...that would be interesting.

On an upside the ideal job was posted this week for the university that I want to work at. Keeping my fingers crossed that I actually stand a chance and it's not an internal hire, because they are only posting the job for 2 weeks.

And the reality

2007-08-15T12:54:00.001-07:00

I've been really good with caffeine. I've not had any in days. Sugar - not so much.

I'm having serious body issues again. I just spent $70 on an exercise machine and two DVDs that is supposed to help tone my lower body.

I bought my second skirt in the kids department - a very cute blue skirt - I like that the kids ones have attached shorts underneath. It's a large - girls size 10/12. Shouldn't that make me feel like I've got a small lower body? I'm sure I should have looked for a 14/16, but it was on clearance and it was 7/8 or 10/12. It's not painted on and there is no muffin top, so why am I concerned if I fit into a kid's size skirt?

I tried going on a juice fast for 4 days Monday through tomorrow. I went out and got all kinds of yummy fruit and vegetable juices (leave it to trader joe's to make a good green vegetable juice). But it didn't work. I don't know why I try. Maybe if I had just tried a single day. I ended up eating on monday trail mix, and vegetables (not bad) and some candy. I think I am addicted to Twizzler's cherry bites. I can only ever find them in big bags too - never in something small and manageble. Yesterday I had two danishes, almonds, cashews and a bagel. But after I got home I went for a run, did some leg lifts, some tricep dips, push-ups, squats, bicep curls and crunches.

That's when I bought the machine - online from a dance catalog. I should throw those things away when I get them. I also bought a deodorizer for my shoes/shoe bag, and that was a real necessity.

Today I'm planning on buying some more candy and some Firming Lotion. It's stupid how I still see jiggly cottage cheesy dimply fat on my thighs - even when I can wear a woman's size 2 or a freakin' kids' size.

I am just so disappointed with my eating habits. Yeah, I've done good on the fruits and vegetables these past three days, but I also remember last year how rigid I was with my eating habits. I'm not 100% sure how I did it. I'm not super sure that I really want to go back to being like that, but I don't know how else to get rid of the fat on my thighs. I think there is alot there.

The last blood drive we had my co-workers all thought I'd be underweight to give blood. Today somebody made a comment about me being "all of 98lbs soaking wet." I am no where near 98% I usually way about 115 in the morning. Somebody else said to me last weekend because I was eating a granola bar (at a dance) joking that "If that's your dinner, I'd think you were anorexic." It was midnight I'd been dancing for 2 hours straight. After saturday dance classes a bunch of us go out for lunch - usually and Indian buffet. They joke about how I'll go up for seconds and how at dances all they ever see me do is stand at the snack table and not actually dance. I know they just don't get how a tiny girl can actually eat (and to be fair last spring/summer I wasn't eating more than 800 calories a day, because I read somewhere that anything less would mess up your metabolism), but it gives me a complex. Because as I'm eating I'm thinking - should I go home and throw this up? or can I count on the 2 hours of dance class and the 3 hours of dancing at night to burn the calories? I'm thinking - how much butter was in this(bad fat) or was it olive oil (okay fat), knowing I shouldn't be eating so much, but doing it anyway. This last saturday I didn't have seconds. The next two saturdays I can't go. I know I shouldn't let a buffet a couple of times a month bother me, I know I shouldn't let other people's comments bother me either. I wish I could not let other people's comments bother me - since I can't make everyone happy. Some people will look at me and say too skinny, and others will just say she's small. Some will say her metabolism is high and she works out good for her for eating, and other's are going to tease.

I wish I could get to the point where I am comfortable and happy with me.

Why do they call it?

2007-08-13T13:47:00.000-07:00

Why do they call it "loosing" one's virginity?

I for one know exactly where I left mine.

This is how it's going to be

2007-08-13T07:44:00.001-07:00

1) There is a moretorium on all clothes purchases until Christmas clearance sales. I must wear all my dance gear that I have already bought before then. My mother says she'll take me shopping when she comes back to town as part of a girls day out since she's been gone longer than she wanted, and I've been taking care of her mail and plants. At that time, I will only get work clothes. I am returning 3 items I've bought and am not going to wear to a savings of $20 (they were all on clearance). The only exception to the purchasing rule will be at Halloween when I will get a pattern and fabric.

2) I will wake up on time and do 15 minutes of exercise each morning until my gym access opens. At which time I will start jogging in the mornings. I will work on my abs with more frequency.

3) I will add more fruits and vegetables to my diet in the form of fresh produce and stop buying candy.

4) I will give up caffeine for one month and determine the benefits at that time.

5) I will consume more water and less soda daily.

6) I will apply for the open positions I see and think I would like to work at. I will keep an open mind about relocating away from my dance studio. I will put my application in for community college adjunct in the next two weeks.

Damn those stupid crushes

2007-08-10T23:28:00.000-07:00

I have a new crush - another dance instructor (as if I meet anyone else these days).

A guy I have danced with and hung out with some kept talking about this great instructor C. I have my lessons with B, I like him. We clicked right away. He's much older, and he's focused on the fundamentals. He's constructive when he criques and he wants me to ask questions and ask for explination if I don't get it. He picks up on little things very well - in body language, in talking, in dancing. It's amazing. I'm not about to change, but this guy raved about C telling me I'd like him and I should think about having a private lesson with him. I know some dancers take a private lessons with different teachers at different times - but I liken mine to having a coach of sorts. I just want to have my one-on-one with B. So, I'm at a social dance and I get introduced to C. He asks me to dance and it was aweful. His lead was too light, he danced in a weird lose style I didn't recognize. Not great. And if I didn't already know he was an instructor I'd have guessed that he at least thought he was by his "dance floor" teaching.

So I was very disapointed when I went to group lessons this week, B wasn't there, but C was. He was subbing. I stuck around, because I was excited for the lessons - there were two new dances for me. I quickly wished I'd left. C was so condecending. He's used to privates, so he would spend 10 minutes at a time with a single person while the rest of us waited. I got that treatment once and I wished he hadn't. I think he eventually got frustrated with me - he just gave me this look and moved on to someone else. But, he kept asking me - "feel this? that's where you..." I wanted to say, and I should have "no, I don't feel it! You have a weak lead. and I DON'T feel it!" Then later on when I partnered with him on another dance - he kept telling me "no, go foward." and I'm thinking - what direction am I going in if this isn't foward? He never once said - you're swinging out, which is all I can really figure was going on, just "no, do this." I'm sorry, but if you want me to correct something, then I need to know first what I did wrong. I was not pleased when I finished the last class. I was pretty much set to ardently dislike him from then on.

Some of us decided to grab food afterward - and one of them invited C. C shows up and now I have to mingle with him over a late dinner. He spend a good amount of time flirting with the other girl at the table. But I'm sitting there thinking, yeah, I didn't click with him as at eacher, but man he's cute.

Then, I'm out at my normal place on Thursday and there he is. He spent like 3 songs talking to me, but he bought me a drink. We danced and he said that I was very good - I think he ended up getting drunk. But he was fun none-the-less. I saw him sit down and start talking to BMG at one point, she looked bored out of her mind and like she wanted nothing more than for him to leave. I laughed.

Her regular partner, show off guy - asked me to dance twice. He did some pretty fancy moves with me too, ones I've only ever seen him do with his regular partners.

But still - he's dead cute.

Tonight I got a random invite to J's club, from this guy I met back in November. He's leaving town and wanted to say good-bye. I've wanted to go back there for a while, so after furiously texting a few people for back up, I went. Only the guys showed up. L came, K, and CF. L didn't have a good time, but K and CF and the guy I met there were good sports. They have an even newer dj who played slightly better music. A little too heavy on the hip hop, but I ended up having a good time. Part of it was that J was not around. He was there but he was working valet. I said hi on the way in and out, I saw him briefly twice otherwise. And oddly I'm okay. I think I'm getting closer to friendly and away from nervousness.