So, I was unable to sleep last night. I was trying to make a dent organizing my bedroom after coming home from the movies (17 Again = way funnier than I thought it would be) and ended up going to bed at midnight even though I knew I had to be up at 6:45 (7:15 after multiple snoozes). MM had called me at 10:40 to see if I would come over, since he's pretty booked over the weekend. He said that if I come to his families party I'd probably meet his brother. Once again he said, IF I come. When he invited me he said this too. "IF you come you might want to bring support." I'm beginning to wonder if he wants me there at all. I don't want to go if he's going to drop me off at this party and say "see you later, have fun." I know he'll have to play "host" considering his family is throwing the thing, but I would think I'd see him some time during the day/night. I keep thinking that I won't take anyone. I mean the person I bring, won't know anyone but me so then I'd be playing babysitter. And if I have a friend I'll be less likely to try to mingle with his friends and family. So in an effort to force myself to be friendly I think I'm going to brave it alone. In preparation for this I checked out "How to win friends and influence people" from the library. (Yeah, I'm a dork)
Between this and the fact that I was notified that the recent job I applied for would like to telephone interview me, I was trying organize materials for my adjunct teaching job, and I have a Spanish test on Friday I was very agitated. I went to bed at midnight and tossed until 2:30, I fell asleep sometime after that, only to be woken at 5 by birds outside my window. Then I tossed some more until my alarm went off at 6:15, then 6:45, then 7:15. Finally at 7:30 I heard my mother banging around in the kitchen and I knew I'd be late to work.
I am thinking I am going to call in sick at my second job today. I can't see teaching people to dance and trying to be perky during aerobics when all I want to do is lie down and sleep. I know when I don't eat before teaching I have a tendency to get irritated with my students if they don't listen or take too long to grasp something. On the other hand I really want to work out. I have managed to come down a few pounds from the weight I gained this fall, but it's not down where I was last summer. I really want to loose at least 5 more pounds if not 8 or 10. But I can't do that if I don't work out. If I could stop stopping at Dunkin' Donuts for an Egg & cheese sandwich on tuesdays and thursdays I'd lose it too. I manged to go with out last week and this tuesday, but today I left so late and I needed to eat breakfast at least.
I have a stack of clothes from last summer that I can't fit into currently - or at least I don't think that I look good stuffing myself into them. I am terribly concerned about impressing MM's friends and family. Now that he's so aware of how they felt about his X (his father said "I told you so" when it didn't work out), he might listen a little more to them which means, they need to like me.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Weekend Away
A friend of MM's got married over the weekend. They were college friends - she belonged to a sorority that his fraternity often hung out/partied etc with - contrary to most assumptions they never dated. But they were such good friends that the family considers MM one of their own.
It was a little awkward at first considering everyone he knew was in the wedding party or family. The reception was fairly casual (but still extremely nice) and there were no assigned seats and we literally had no one to sit with. We got lost between our hotel and the reception and got there late. We ended up sitting with some of the bride's co-workers who were from out of town and didn't know anyone else. They were very friendly.
The food was not great for me. Being a vegetarian my choices were salad, over done vegetables, rolls, and dessert. Everyone else got potatoes (w/ bacon), chicken and beef tips. I'm kind of surprised that I didn't get more drunk considering how little I ate at dinner.
MM and I got up to dance the first song after the bridal dances were done - apparently we dance well together :) because the next time I went for a drink both bartenders were talking about what a good dancer I was. After that people really watched us on the dance floor. At one point MM made us sit down because the mother of the bride was telling her daughter to move out of the way so she could watch us (oops!). I even went up to an older family member (I believe on the groom's side) and asked him to dance, because he looked like he knew what he was doing. MM took that opportunity to go back to the bar. The bartender was even more impressed. From then I got totally hooked up on drinks. He totally over poured and added extra shots to my drinks.
While chatting to the bride's father about 1/2 way through the evening, MM invited the family (including bride and groom) to the MM family's big summer party. I was wondering if I'd get invited or if he'd make some excuse for not wanting to bring me because apparently it's his whole family, plus about 400 guests. A little while later he did invite me. Said his parents send an actual invite which he just got. MM said he'd love for me to come, but that I might want to bring a friend because he won't be available the whole time. That reads to me - "I want you to come, but I don't want to babysit you the whole time." He said I could hang out with his friends but that I Still want to bring "support." Apparently this is from prior experience, but I'm guessing the evil x probably gave him hell for not spending every minute with her.
When the reception was winding down we were chatting to the family. The mother of the bride told MM that I was winner and he better hang on to me :)! MM confided that in private they were talking and the mother admitted that she thought his x was a hag.
In between the wedding and reception we went to have a light lunch and check into our hotel. We talked a little about how I don't like hearing about the evil x. I rarely mention my exes to MM. If I do I use the very vague "friend" reference. I told him that I don't like thinking about him with other girls, so why would I want to put that image in his head about me.
What I really want to tell him is that when he talks about her I wonder 3 things...
1) if we end up exes will he speak badly of me to the next girl? What doesn't seem bad now might later on.
2) if he's really over her? Sure he ended the relationship because she was crazy, jealous, and overly materialistic (she didn't think her ring was big enough to impress anyone). But maybe he's not over the fact that this person he loved let him down in someway.
and 3)it just reminds me that he loved someone enough to ask her to marry him (even though he didn't go through with it) and I'm not 100% sure how he feels about me.
We danced at the reception to "More than Words" and another song I can't remember right now, but it also had the words I love you in it. He sang along. Now, I'm not going so far as to think he was saying "I love you," but it'd be as close as either of us have gotten. When he's busy he can go a few days with out calling. But if he has a particularly bad day he'll usually want to see me. He called me "stress free" company during his first set of finals in April.
On Sunday we went to brunch on the river front - which was incredibly pleasant. Funnily we ran into one of his co-workers even though we were out of town. We came home watched High Fidelity. Then he did homework and I went dancing.
All in all it was a fun weekend. I especially liked that I got his friend's family's approval just because I was reasonably friendly and a good dancer.
It was a little awkward at first considering everyone he knew was in the wedding party or family. The reception was fairly casual (but still extremely nice) and there were no assigned seats and we literally had no one to sit with. We got lost between our hotel and the reception and got there late. We ended up sitting with some of the bride's co-workers who were from out of town and didn't know anyone else. They were very friendly.
The food was not great for me. Being a vegetarian my choices were salad, over done vegetables, rolls, and dessert. Everyone else got potatoes (w/ bacon), chicken and beef tips. I'm kind of surprised that I didn't get more drunk considering how little I ate at dinner.
MM and I got up to dance the first song after the bridal dances were done - apparently we dance well together :) because the next time I went for a drink both bartenders were talking about what a good dancer I was. After that people really watched us on the dance floor. At one point MM made us sit down because the mother of the bride was telling her daughter to move out of the way so she could watch us (oops!). I even went up to an older family member (I believe on the groom's side) and asked him to dance, because he looked like he knew what he was doing. MM took that opportunity to go back to the bar. The bartender was even more impressed. From then I got totally hooked up on drinks. He totally over poured and added extra shots to my drinks.
While chatting to the bride's father about 1/2 way through the evening, MM invited the family (including bride and groom) to the MM family's big summer party. I was wondering if I'd get invited or if he'd make some excuse for not wanting to bring me because apparently it's his whole family, plus about 400 guests. A little while later he did invite me. Said his parents send an actual invite which he just got. MM said he'd love for me to come, but that I might want to bring a friend because he won't be available the whole time. That reads to me - "I want you to come, but I don't want to babysit you the whole time." He said I could hang out with his friends but that I Still want to bring "support." Apparently this is from prior experience, but I'm guessing the evil x probably gave him hell for not spending every minute with her.
When the reception was winding down we were chatting to the family. The mother of the bride told MM that I was winner and he better hang on to me :)! MM confided that in private they were talking and the mother admitted that she thought his x was a hag.
In between the wedding and reception we went to have a light lunch and check into our hotel. We talked a little about how I don't like hearing about the evil x. I rarely mention my exes to MM. If I do I use the very vague "friend" reference. I told him that I don't like thinking about him with other girls, so why would I want to put that image in his head about me.
What I really want to tell him is that when he talks about her I wonder 3 things...
1) if we end up exes will he speak badly of me to the next girl? What doesn't seem bad now might later on.
2) if he's really over her? Sure he ended the relationship because she was crazy, jealous, and overly materialistic (she didn't think her ring was big enough to impress anyone). But maybe he's not over the fact that this person he loved let him down in someway.
and 3)it just reminds me that he loved someone enough to ask her to marry him (even though he didn't go through with it) and I'm not 100% sure how he feels about me.
We danced at the reception to "More than Words" and another song I can't remember right now, but it also had the words I love you in it. He sang along. Now, I'm not going so far as to think he was saying "I love you," but it'd be as close as either of us have gotten. When he's busy he can go a few days with out calling. But if he has a particularly bad day he'll usually want to see me. He called me "stress free" company during his first set of finals in April.
On Sunday we went to brunch on the river front - which was incredibly pleasant. Funnily we ran into one of his co-workers even though we were out of town. We came home watched High Fidelity. Then he did homework and I went dancing.
All in all it was a fun weekend. I especially liked that I got his friend's family's approval just because I was reasonably friendly and a good dancer.
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Kismet
It’s hard for me to believe in the idea that everything happens for a reason, that certain things/ events are just meant to be. Particularly because I have a hard time believing that there is a omniscient puppet master in the sky. I believe in free will not predestination. But recent occurrences in my life are starting to at least make me at least believe in serendipity.
MM went to live and work in Europe. He was supposed to be there for three years. After three months he decides to come back and propose to his girlfriend. Eventually he decides that he can’t marry her and they break up. His company doesn’t send him back to Europe.
Fast forward to OG’s birthday week: I don’t want to go out with her that Thursday and I know that if it were any other occasion I could probably bail on her, but not her birthday. So I go looking for a quiet night and end up meeting MM. Only the second guy I’ve met in a bar who’s phone calls I actually took, and the very first that I actually went on a date with. If he hadn't of come back for the awful x, or if I had decided to stay home and watch the VP candidate debates, we never would've met.
I recently applied for a job at my alma mater – a very big, very good, very famous university – knowing that I didn’t have a very good chance of getting the job there. But I managed to get my hopes up, forgetting that they would probably have hundreds of applicants. And I was rejected.
Yesterday I come to work and our clerk tells me that another campus of our College is hiring a full time position. They had just had a position open a few months ago, but I hadn’t been working here long enough to feel comfortable going for it. Now it’s been opened externally as well. Again, there will be a lot of applicants, but there is the added bonus of already working for the college.
I hate to get my hopes up again. But the deadline for the application is this Monday. My boss is coming in today (after a long weekend – gone fri and mon) and I need to talk to her about the possibility of me applying for this job. I’ve only been here for 9 months and when I applied I said I wanted a part-time position so that I could balance it with other things and opportunities. I have too, besides my dancing (which sadly has declined) I managed to teach English, aerobics, and dance and learn Spanish. That is going to be one of the down sides to leaving here. The upside being not having to drive around all the time. Another downside is that that my interests are really in line with my duties here and I don’t know if that will be the case at the new campus. But I really want to cut my commute and get my own place. I have been living at my mother’s house since the April 2008 (5 months after I left my previous job). Now, she’s telling me there is the possibility of my aunt selling her house and moving in with us. My mother’s husband already gives the vibe of not approving of my nights away; my aunt is super conservative (my step-dad is not) and won’t keep her mouth shut on that topic.
\I turned 30 this year. I need to get out on my own. I want to live by myself. I want to decorate my own space. :::sigh::: the boss should be here soon and I am suddenly getting very nervous.
MM went to live and work in Europe. He was supposed to be there for three years. After three months he decides to come back and propose to his girlfriend. Eventually he decides that he can’t marry her and they break up. His company doesn’t send him back to Europe.
Fast forward to OG’s birthday week: I don’t want to go out with her that Thursday and I know that if it were any other occasion I could probably bail on her, but not her birthday. So I go looking for a quiet night and end up meeting MM. Only the second guy I’ve met in a bar who’s phone calls I actually took, and the very first that I actually went on a date with. If he hadn't of come back for the awful x, or if I had decided to stay home and watch the VP candidate debates, we never would've met.
I recently applied for a job at my alma mater – a very big, very good, very famous university – knowing that I didn’t have a very good chance of getting the job there. But I managed to get my hopes up, forgetting that they would probably have hundreds of applicants. And I was rejected.
Yesterday I come to work and our clerk tells me that another campus of our College is hiring a full time position. They had just had a position open a few months ago, but I hadn’t been working here long enough to feel comfortable going for it. Now it’s been opened externally as well. Again, there will be a lot of applicants, but there is the added bonus of already working for the college.
I hate to get my hopes up again. But the deadline for the application is this Monday. My boss is coming in today (after a long weekend – gone fri and mon) and I need to talk to her about the possibility of me applying for this job. I’ve only been here for 9 months and when I applied I said I wanted a part-time position so that I could balance it with other things and opportunities. I have too, besides my dancing (which sadly has declined) I managed to teach English, aerobics, and dance and learn Spanish. That is going to be one of the down sides to leaving here. The upside being not having to drive around all the time. Another downside is that that my interests are really in line with my duties here and I don’t know if that will be the case at the new campus. But I really want to cut my commute and get my own place. I have been living at my mother’s house since the April 2008 (5 months after I left my previous job). Now, she’s telling me there is the possibility of my aunt selling her house and moving in with us. My mother’s husband already gives the vibe of not approving of my nights away; my aunt is super conservative (my step-dad is not) and won’t keep her mouth shut on that topic.
\I turned 30 this year. I need to get out on my own. I want to live by myself. I want to decorate my own space. :::sigh::: the boss should be here soon and I am suddenly getting very nervous.
Sunday, June 07, 2009
Going through the Emotions
I'm beginning to wonder if I'm not happier outside of a relationship than in one.
Now, I know this wasn't true in college, because I was extremely depressed and had never been in a relationship. But in the past few years, I remember the time between the X and MM, even if you want to count NG (although not really a relationship). I just have this happy when I'm with him, miserable when I'm not mentality. It's almost bi-polar.
Although, I did have a small fight with MM recently. We were in the shower a week ago before going to breakfast and we got to talking about me being a vegetarian and how I'm not down with the dairy industry either. Neither of these things are news to him. But he was teasing me about believing propaganda because I had told him one of the reasons I dislike dairy and wish to give up cheese is because dairy cows are repeatedly artificially inseminated in order to continue milk production. Their bodies are over taxed and what nutrients they do consume goes into their milk and the growing calf. A normal cow's life span would be 20-25 years, but on a dairy farm (the factory farm - not the personal kind) it lives 3-5. He also had bones about the word "inhumane" and what it really means. (He claims that like woman a cow will continue to make milk as long as it is milked, but sadly that's not true)
I eventually got fed up - for one thing he was wrong which is proved by a non-animal rights agricultural article and the dictionary - for another I was tired, still wobbly from morning sex, with very low blood sugar (having not eaten since dinner the night before), and if I'm being totally honest, probably a little hormonal. At any rate, I got fed up, turned my back to him, turned the water off said I'm done and that he needed to get out, stop talking to me and leave me alone. I actually started to cry when he wouldn't leave me alone.
Now, he felt bad. He was teasing - although, I think that stems from deep repressed lack of respect for my vegetarian stance - he says that he does respect me, but that he's still going to push my buttons. And he says he'll still try to get me to eat meat. And he did apologize and tell me that I need to just smack him in the face and tell him to shut it when he goes to far.
The previous day we had been to the video store to get movies, I suggested "Holiday" (with Kate Winslet and Jack Black) and he did pick it up, then said that he thought he already owned it. But I had never seen it. Turns out his x has it - borrowed and never returned - and that he had bought it for the same reason - she wanted to see it. So I put it back. He said not to get worked up that everyone has a past. Again, I wasn't thinking clearly or I would have come up with a quick witted comment (like, and they need to stay there). Instead I just looked like I was being stupidly jealous.
Today he went with me too a bbq - he was the buffer for awkwardness that I really needed - on the way home we passed a ridiculously expensive restaurant. One that costs about $150-200 per person when you're done. He said he'd been there because he'd gotten tasting tickets for $125 that came with wine pairings. I had a feeling that this was going to end up being an x story. I was right. He prefaces with: I know you don't like stories with the x, but this is one you might like. (huh? what part of this am I supposed to like? Just because in it she acts like a jealous bitch (knew that already) and the punch line is that other people tell him that he can do better and the ladies love him. The funny part is he's told me this story before!
I don't know, I'm starting to amass a list of "need to talk about with MM" topics. He makes it seem like it's no big deal to talk about x's. He thinks it's silly to change an X into a "friend" in stories you tell your new SO. I personally think it makes a lot of sense. First of all what is the difference if a character in your story is the friend or the gf? Does it change the information I learn about you? Sure, it doesn't work in the "you can do better" story, but for the most part does it matter if a friend or boyfriend tried to teach to play golf - the point of the story is that I have a set of seldom used clubs and it would be fun to go out and give it another try. This is not what I said at the time.
He hasn't been calling me as much during the week as he used to. Once he asked why I hadn't called him, and I said that as the girl it wasn't my job. He said that it's a two way street. Once again I didn't say what I wanted to - mostly because I can't think of these things at the time.
I don't understand why my brain will not work when I am around him.
I am also getting a little worried about my moods. Generally my PMS doesn't start a whole week before my period. Generally when I've been on the pill I never really got PMS. I never used to notice PMS at all really. Until recently anyway. Now I just feel miserable. Not crampy, bloated miserable - but mood-wise. My freebie state insurance for women (since I don't get any work benefits) will not give me another check up until September. So in the meantime I'm stuck with these mood swings that I don't understand at all.
Now, I know this wasn't true in college, because I was extremely depressed and had never been in a relationship. But in the past few years, I remember the time between the X and MM, even if you want to count NG (although not really a relationship). I just have this happy when I'm with him, miserable when I'm not mentality. It's almost bi-polar.
Although, I did have a small fight with MM recently. We were in the shower a week ago before going to breakfast and we got to talking about me being a vegetarian and how I'm not down with the dairy industry either. Neither of these things are news to him. But he was teasing me about believing propaganda because I had told him one of the reasons I dislike dairy and wish to give up cheese is because dairy cows are repeatedly artificially inseminated in order to continue milk production. Their bodies are over taxed and what nutrients they do consume goes into their milk and the growing calf. A normal cow's life span would be 20-25 years, but on a dairy farm (the factory farm - not the personal kind) it lives 3-5. He also had bones about the word "inhumane" and what it really means. (He claims that like woman a cow will continue to make milk as long as it is milked, but sadly that's not true)
I eventually got fed up - for one thing he was wrong which is proved by a non-animal rights agricultural article and the dictionary - for another I was tired, still wobbly from morning sex, with very low blood sugar (having not eaten since dinner the night before), and if I'm being totally honest, probably a little hormonal. At any rate, I got fed up, turned my back to him, turned the water off said I'm done and that he needed to get out, stop talking to me and leave me alone. I actually started to cry when he wouldn't leave me alone.
Now, he felt bad. He was teasing - although, I think that stems from deep repressed lack of respect for my vegetarian stance - he says that he does respect me, but that he's still going to push my buttons. And he says he'll still try to get me to eat meat. And he did apologize and tell me that I need to just smack him in the face and tell him to shut it when he goes to far.
The previous day we had been to the video store to get movies, I suggested "Holiday" (with Kate Winslet and Jack Black) and he did pick it up, then said that he thought he already owned it. But I had never seen it. Turns out his x has it - borrowed and never returned - and that he had bought it for the same reason - she wanted to see it. So I put it back. He said not to get worked up that everyone has a past. Again, I wasn't thinking clearly or I would have come up with a quick witted comment (like, and they need to stay there). Instead I just looked like I was being stupidly jealous.
Today he went with me too a bbq - he was the buffer for awkwardness that I really needed - on the way home we passed a ridiculously expensive restaurant. One that costs about $150-200 per person when you're done. He said he'd been there because he'd gotten tasting tickets for $125 that came with wine pairings. I had a feeling that this was going to end up being an x story. I was right. He prefaces with: I know you don't like stories with the x, but this is one you might like. (huh? what part of this am I supposed to like? Just because in it she acts like a jealous bitch (knew that already) and the punch line is that other people tell him that he can do better and the ladies love him. The funny part is he's told me this story before!
I don't know, I'm starting to amass a list of "need to talk about with MM" topics. He makes it seem like it's no big deal to talk about x's. He thinks it's silly to change an X into a "friend" in stories you tell your new SO. I personally think it makes a lot of sense. First of all what is the difference if a character in your story is the friend or the gf? Does it change the information I learn about you? Sure, it doesn't work in the "you can do better" story, but for the most part does it matter if a friend or boyfriend tried to teach to play golf - the point of the story is that I have a set of seldom used clubs and it would be fun to go out and give it another try. This is not what I said at the time.
He hasn't been calling me as much during the week as he used to. Once he asked why I hadn't called him, and I said that as the girl it wasn't my job. He said that it's a two way street. Once again I didn't say what I wanted to - mostly because I can't think of these things at the time.
I don't understand why my brain will not work when I am around him.
I am also getting a little worried about my moods. Generally my PMS doesn't start a whole week before my period. Generally when I've been on the pill I never really got PMS. I never used to notice PMS at all really. Until recently anyway. Now I just feel miserable. Not crampy, bloated miserable - but mood-wise. My freebie state insurance for women (since I don't get any work benefits) will not give me another check up until September. So in the meantime I'm stuck with these mood swings that I don't understand at all.
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