Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Heroes and Villains

The past few days I've been ill at home w/ a viral infection doing nothing more than watching tv, eating fruit and drinking water and gatorade.

I saw a couple of interesting things on tv in that time. First was the advertisement for the upcoming third season of Heroes. This "volume" is called "villains" and the add shows not only the known villains we've met in seasons one and two, new ones, and a few of our favorite heroes as possible villains. Because in every hero there could be a villain.

Then I caught on the history channel a show about Batman and the "reality" of his gizmos and gadgets, his suit, but also his personality and those of his enemies. Someone made an interesting point. That both Batman and the villains have had a traumatic event and while Bruce Wayne/Batman decides that this injustice must never perpetrated on another, the villains in a similar moment decide that this injustice is an excuse for payback, a license to hurt others as they've been hurt. They compared Batman to his famous villains and showed that if weren't for a small choice he'd be like any one of them.

I'm not saying I'm a hero or a villain. But I do always feel like there's these two opposing people inside of me. There's the one that likes herself the way she is, her body, her interests, her looks, her brain, her talents. This one has good self-esteem and knows what she deserves, can stand up for herself. And there's the girl that hates herself who is never good enough no matter what she does, no matter what she says, how hard she tries. She's never skinny enough, tone enough, fast enough, strong enough. She doesn't look good in her clothes, she's not talented, or funny, or interesting and people aren't interested in her. This one takes what people give her and accepts the crumbs if that's all it is. There's the girl who values honesty, and fairness and wants to treat every one with respect next to the girl who's so good at lying, and hiding what she does or feels. One one hand I'm the shy, quiet girl who doesn't know what to do with attention from people even if she got it, and on the other I'm a girl who wears leopard print dance shoes and short skirts.

I wonder if I put my standards for other people too high. If I expect them to be all of one or the other. I keep coming back to B being a bad person, a bad christian, a bad friend. But undeniably she is fun to be around, fun to go out with. But being fun doesn't mean being good. But not being 100% good doesn't make them bad either. I guess when it comes right down to it I judge it by two things - things that I try to live by also - and that's choice and hypocrisy. With one exception as a child, I can't remember ever choosing to hurt another person. It has been the unfortunate outcome of some decisions, but I can't remember it ever being my intent. And I feel that what ever B says, when she knows that being unfaithful will her hurt her boyfriend, then being unfaithful is a choice to hurt him. I also dislike hypocrisy. I don't eat meat because to me it is hypocritcal to treat a cat humanely and eat the cow that was treated inhumanely. We live by laws that say you must treat your companion animal in such a way, but none that say we have to treat cows, chickens, lambs etc that way. Its the reason I'm becoming vegan too - in the end I saw being only a strict vegetarian as being hypocritical as well - I won't eat the cow, but I'll eat the cheese that was made from a cows milk. And, no, I don't trust government regulations on "free range" and "organic" so I won't be buying those either. What I hate most of all is a religious hypocrit. I know it's from the way I was raised and the strict christian upbringing I had (and then rejected - I choose to be a good person because I respect my fellow man, not because christ is going let me into heaven if I behave). But to those who profess to being religious, to being christian, and following a certain set of guidelines, I hold them to those standards. B to me does not live a christian life. Not by the standards she herself spouts. I'm sure she thinks it's fine, because afterall jesus forgives, confession clears the soul and conscience freeing it up for more sin later. I think people like to forget that little catch about being sorry for what you've done. And how sorry can you be if you keep doing it?

I am considering calling her once she's moved back home - just once - not to get everything off my chest - although that would feel so good - but I'm sure it would hurt her to know what a lousy friend I think she is - and I don't like to hurt people intentionally. I just want to leave her a voicemail. I want to say: have a happy life at home, get some counseling before you get married, figure out why you are pulling this bullshit on someone you're supposed to love or be in love with, and then when you're really and truely ready get married if you still want to. And then I want to say: but don't every tell me again when you cheat, I'm washing my hands of it, I'm not your confessor to lay your problems at my feet to carry so you can go on and feel better releaved of your burden, I'm done. The funny thing is I wouldn't be doing it for her. I really want it for her fiance. Sure he knows what he's getting into, but for him, I want B to be a better person. Someone worthy of all of his forgiveness.

Of course the villainous side of me doesn't want to do that at all. The villainous side of me is so scared that if B were single she'd come back here. She'd start dating J. or that they would meet up for clandestine romantic vacations. My villainous side has a fantasy whereby I become J's girlfriend (the how is not worked out in the fantasy, but I think it has something to do with his brother telling him he'd be an idiot if he didn't take me out on at least one date) and when April rolls around for B's wedding. I say, hey, lets go together. Lets show up and show her that I won because the villainous side of me wants payback, wants to hurt her the way she hurt me, take something that she liked and make it mine.

But it's just a fantasy. I really do plan to keep my villain securely locked inside.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Say What You Need to Say

B is leaving town earlier than expected. Her going away party is tonight and she's gone the following friday. She found out today that her fiance did get the job on the west coast, so that's that. She's leaving and other than an occasional visit, like for the marathon this fall, she's not coming back.

I went out tonight with OG (other girl) from our dance team, she was performing with J. I was in a bad mood about J from yesterday because OG calls me up asking for directions (usually I drive). He asked her to do a private party with him that day. I was pissed because I specifically talked to him about doing the daytime parties with him and he made it sound like he'd give them to me.

I didn't think B was going to be coming out because we'd gone out the night before (our last thursday night out - I'd avoided them for awhile, but I figured I'd make nice on the last one ever) and she said she was hanging with another friend after work. But low-and-behold she shows up. J gives her a hug and dances 3 songs with her. He never asked me once.

B claims that she has to ask him to dance as well - which frankly, I won't do. I said as much. I called him a jack ass a few times. And then she comes out with "Can I confess something to you?" To which I said "I already know." But it turns out she wasn't talking about J. She made out with a married guy at her work today.

I was shocked and not. The first thing out of my mouth was "What the fuck are you doing?" I told her point blank that eventually she was gonna screw things up with her fiance, that eventually she was gonna do this with someone who wants to do something more than just have an affiar - I pointed out that J just wanted a no strings attached arrangement (I honestly think she may not have considered that before) - and then everyone was going to get hurt. And I did mention that I was telling her as a friend because she needs to hear it.

I so badly wanted to go into a "you may love him, but you don't respect him" rant. Or my what about being a christian, didn't christ say "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" she's be devestated if her fiance did have the shit she does. But then J came up and asked her dance song number 4. I was extremely pissed off the rest of the night. Until Bethany mentioned that her fiance got the job in their home state. Suddenly - while upset - I hate that J doesn't ask me to dance - I was in a much better mood.

I didn't get to say my whole peace, but I got to tell her, and I got to tell her that I knew about J. I wish I could have gone off on that for a bit, but she can't be so stupid as to think that I wasn't hurt by it. But I got say something. Now she can go away and make a mess of her life and her relationship away from me and I can officially not be a part of it.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Good news, Bad news

The good news is that B is leaving town earlier than expected. She's out the same time I'm going on vacation. So basically I've only got two more weeks of possibly seeing her so maybe 3 times total.

The bad news her fiance may be getting a job in town, which means she'll be back in February or soon after their wedding.

I was hoping he'd get a job in their home state so she'd be gone altogether.

Although, the evil streak in me wouldn't mind seeing the fall out of Married-B trying to keep it cool around J when they are practicing and dancing together. I'm sure he'd still perform with her since he did after the engagement news. I'm still bitter about that - although, maybe it will give me the extra drive to perform even better to improve even more while she's gone. My goal is the splits since so far only one girl on the team can do them.

I wished I believed in the power of prayer so that I could pray her fiance got the out of town job. As it stand I do believe that what you put out into the universe comes back to you, and I don't want to negatively effect myself. I just had to replace my car (it died over 4th of July) and now I really need a job if I want to make the car payments.

Sometimes trying to be a good person really sucks.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Moving on and Getting over are two completely unrelated things

I was up late (early) enough to catch an episode of Dawson's Creek (at 4:30am) this week. It was the episode where Pacey and Joey are trying to break it to Dawson that they're a couple. Now, Dawson and Joey broke up the year before, but they're still treading lightly because they know he's going to be unreasonably angry. And lo and behold they are correct. He basically makes Joey choose between being his friend or Pacey's girl-friend. And we all know how that turned out.

Besides revelling in the awesome '90's-ness of it all and harkening back to my college days when most of girls on my hall, and some of the guys from below us would watch Dawson's Creek in my neighboring dormmates room, I was also was also drawing a rather unflattering comparison between myself and VanderBeek's overly upset Dawson. I mean if he only wants to be friends with Joey (in his rant he asks her if she's upset for him not wanting to get back together) then why is he upset if his friend wants to go out with her?

I don't know how often I've said I'm Done with J. I tell myself all the time in my head. I even moved on to a better guy. Sure it didn't last, but I can at least I can admit he's better. So why am I unreasonably bitter about the B & J conundrum?

Then I was reading a book that a friend was going to throw out. In it I found the quote "Like love is a habit you couldn't break."

I can't seem to get over J or NG. I feel like I've moved on - through necessity. I've gone out with other guys. But when it comes down to it I'd take one of them first. I haven't even seen or spoken to NG in months. But I still think about him often, and I take a look at his facebook page now and then.

I feel like I've gotten into this habit of wanting them and I can't get out of it. I know that I can, and maybe even will. I got over the X and the XX, I just can't remember when that happened. I remember being broken hearted over them, and I know it healed, I just can't pin point when that happened. I wish I could so that I knew when I'd be over these ones.
 
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