Maybe I'm the hypocrit

I was gleeful, evilly gleeful at the prospect of B screwing things up with her fiance the other night. I had visions of being the tough-love friend who says "I know you're upset about your fiance dumping you, but what kind of an idiot are you to have done this to him?" Nothing of the sort happened. And I never did find out why B didn't show up to the going away party.

I'm not going so far as to say that I'm over it. When I think about it I still get completely appalled by her behavior and incredulous that her fiance still wants her. But, I'm coming to grips with It's not my life. They have to live with all of it not me. I am still up in the air about continuing a friendship with B. Sometimes I think about calling or texting her and stop myself. When I'm around her I'm still friendly, but I keep counting down until she leaves town. And I keep hoping that her fiance gets that job in their home state so that she won't come back in 6 months.

I now feel bad for the evil glee I had. For wanting something bad to happen to her relationship with the fiance. I've never cheated on a guy, and I never plan to, but I do remember back in October 2006 (see "Some answers for you"), when thinking if I would still sleep with J if he were in a relationship, I said I wasn't sure if it would stop me.

And as for B lying to my face about being with J, it also isn't as if I don't lie. I've lied to my mother for a long time about being a virgin. I've lied to everyone, except those that read this blog about how I lost 30 pounds 2 1/2 years ago. I lied to everyone the whole time I was losing the weight too. I lie to guys about why I don't want to date them. I lie to everyone, except those that read this blog, about being over certain guys in my life.

So maybe I'm not all that better than B and that it's just my jealousy I can't really shake off.

I know it's none of my business but...

B didn't come out to our friend's going away party after her performance with J. I had a feeling she wouldn't. When it was the same friends birthday and B had her performance with J they went out to the casinos together instead of B coming and celebrating. B still can't make the effort when the girl is moving away across the country and probably won't be back until she gets married here in a year. No, J, who isn't going anywhere, apparently is the more important person to spend time with.

I also don't think it's a coincidence that the BF is out of town right now. The same BF who put a down payment on the hall for their wedding while he's interviewing for a job.

God, I can't wait until she moves. I keep praying that the BF loves the job he interviewed for so that they won't move back here after the wedding. I want her gone, out of my life for good.

Of course that's if she didn't do something completely stupid like cheat on the guy AGAIN w/ J and the BF doesn't find out or dump her ass like he really should.

On the other hand - I could give her the benefit of the doubt. It is possible that she didn't get done until later than she expected and then the BF called, the 3 hour time difference makes that a possibility. Maybe they had a lot to discuss because of his job interview. They are from that state and B owns a condo there, she knows she wants to go back there eventually, but the BF can make more money at his job here (probably the only profession that can boast that in such a crappy economy). By the time she got done talking to him, maybe it was too late to drive out to the party.

Why I can't give her the benefit of the doubt - she didn't call anyone to say she wasn't making it, that she was late, that she couldn't find it, or that it was too far for that hour. Nothing. My guess - J had her so distracted she couldn't find her phone. If only she could find that little voice in her head that tells her what's wrong and right. Not that it matters - she'll just ask Jesus for forgiveness at church on Sunday and go on her merry way.

There and Back Again

After a week of beating myself up, questioning whether I can still be friends with B, wondering if I would get anywhere flirting with J, I broke down and talked to my dance instructor (not SOG) about the drama. He's been around for a while, the quintessential been-there-done-that kind of guy. I had broken out in about 3 places over the weekend, and he asked me what had gone on, so I started the story - or a shorter version. It was kind of hard admitting to him how upset I was and why. Suddenly I felt very juvenile. But he was so great about it. On more than one occasion he's told me that I have to stop thinking of myself as mediocre and really start being the person I want to be. The short of it was that J did not pick B. And he had moved on long before she felt the need to "explain" getting engaged, probably even while they were fooling around.

I was feeling great for days.

And then I made the mistake of meeting up with B to run. I know I get a better workout when I work out with her, so I figured why not.

We were on the treadmill and she asks about a friend's going away party and says she doesn't know when she can show up, because J asked her to perform before she found out about the party. Then later after I was telling her about some of the lifts and things I do with my other dance instructor, she tells me about the move she practiced with J for tonight's show.

I'm back to feeling like a huge idiot. I can't believe that I offered to practice with J. I can't believe that I for one second thought I'd have another chance with him or that he'd ever ask me to perform with him on the weekend nights. I'm just trying to figure out why I end up the last choice, last minute, day time girl. It's just the absolute total proof that he has no desire what-so-ever to spend any kind of time with me at all.

In the meantime this guy I went on a date with wants to take me over there. He wanted to go tonight, but with the going away party I had to say no. So I suggested Saturday. At the time I thought, fantastic, let J see me with somebody else, maybe it'll make him want me more. But now I just don't want to be anywhere near him, especially the night after B. I also don't have any feelings for this guy so I don't think it would be very nice of me to let him continue to take me out.

Sometimes it's really hard having a conscience and it's so irksome to watch a hypocrite, two-faced person like B go through life apparently doing perfectly fine without one.

Obsession, Regression, Depression

I recently spoke to NG. Well, texted. He took some photos of one of our dates and I wanted the ones of me. So he emailed them to me. For a while before this whole B & J thing, I had backslid on that one too.

I had not seen him for quite awhile and then at the beginning of May his friend asked me out to dinner. I knew it was coming, but that didn't make it any less awkward. He'd been trying for a while, since before I went out with NG. But I picked NG, he's the one I liked, the one I was attracted to. I was hoping that after I went out with NG, that the the friend, TF, would back off too. But no such luck.

Now the dancing community where I live isn't as big as it is in some cities like LA or NY, so it's not completely unusual to see exes and to date the friends of exes. SOG not only stayed friends with one of his ex-girlfriend, but was friends with her next boyfriend, and that boyfriend's next girlfriend. So, it's not too weird that TF asked me and thought it would be okay. The problem is that I still really like NG.

The night TF asked me out, NG also came out to the club for the first time in at least a month. I knew he'd be there, but I pretended I didn't and texted him to find out w/ a lame excuse about why. When he did show up we had a friendly chat and that was it. He spent the evening hanging out with TF. At one point I thought they were talking about me while I was dancing, cuz when ever I looked over they seemed to be looking at me too. That was a bit disconserting. I mean, the one guy I went out with (I wish I was still going out with him) and his friend who wants to go out with me.

The next week NG came out again. This time I arrived late with one of my girls, because I had driven her over to dance with J (probably the reason I'm so jealous, is I've been over there every weekend in May except the first one). I wanted to get J off my mind, so I asked NG to dance. It wasn't until afterward that I realized he had a girl with him. A cute blonde. I haven't seen him at the club since then.

After that night I admit, I got a little obsessive. I was checking out his myspace and facebook every few days to see if he changed his single status (he hasn't). I was looking at the pictures to see if I could see them together. I didn't see any of her, but unfortunately, I did see one of another girl. They were dressed up and she was holding a flower. It looked alot like the picture your mom takes before prom. Only he's too old for that. So I'm figuring it's his old Frat's formal that he was meeting to plan when we were together and that I really thought I was going to get to go to with him.

And I finally texted him about those photos yesterday. I just needed something to stop me from thinking about J and B. About how much I want to do something in retaliation. So instead of thinking about that, I decided to think about a decent guy instead. Sure I think NG lead me on a little too, but at least not in the "I'll fuck you but not date you" kind of way. More in the "I jumped the gun on my feelings for you" kind of way. But at least it's a reminder that there are some decent guys out there, if he doesn't want to be with me.

I'm supposed to have a date tonight with yet another guy I dance with. I am beginning to understand NG's excuse for breaking up with me - although, I don't think it's an appropriate one for 3 weeks later. But I just don't think about this guy alot. He was out of the country for two weeks and I had to write a reminder note to myself to email him, or I wouldn't have. He's a great dancer, I really enjoy dancing with him, and he is an attractive guy, but I'm just not that into him. He talks about himself alot, and manages to turn the conversation around to himself even after I try to get a word in. He's really smart though, has a job and a business. But I just don't get excited about him.

I remember New Years Eve. NG and J were both there. And while I still had a slight flutter for J, I was totally into NG. I would say that NG only upset me at the very end when I knew he was not feeling something for me and then when he broke it off. Otherwise he always made me smile and feel good and we could talk forever. When he sent the pictures his email said I looked sexy in one. I don't know how to take that - I know how I want to take it. But when he broke up with me he did so by naming all my great qualities including my physical ones, and then saying that he still didn't care about me like he should. No wonder I have issues, because it doesn't really matter how great I am, if nobody wants to be with me.

The White Wale

So yesterday was a little tense.

I had a performance for a party with J and then was going to my normal Wednesday night dance spot I knew that B was coming out. At first it was a little tense around J. I was pretty monosyllabic at first and he just busts out telling me about his moped, and how he wanted it to stop raining so he could ride it 'cuz it had been a couple of weeks. I was trying to be professional without being overly friendly or flirty, but he gave me a couple of looks. Like once, in the middle of dancing after the lesson he mentioned how warm it was, and I said it sure was. He just looked at me and laughed a little. I didn't think it was that funny. I certainly didn't mean it in any other way but that it really was warm.

We practiced, performed, and tried to get people up for a lesson, then we danced a couple of more songs. He asked me if I could do some shows while he was out of time. He's going on vacation in July. It was weird, when I asked him about it he just said he really had to get away. That he worked hard and tried to play hard. Then repeated hat he just had to get away from a while. So I wasn't sure if the vacation was part of the playing hard or if the combination of hard play and work made him need a vacation. Still not having a job my schedule is pretty flexible, so he'll probably continue to dance with me for the daytime parties. I even offered to practice with him - since we don't ever, but for the ten minutes prior to going on.

I don't really know what I'll do if we do end up practicing. I can't say that he'd try anything, but I'm not sure what I'd do if he did. On the one hand I like the idea of denying him. One, it would put him in his place a little, and two, I would feel "better" than B for being able to say no. But I know how little will power I have with J. Especially since I don't have someone else to stay faithful too. Oddly, I kept thinking about NG while I was there with J, NG is so nice. Honestly if they both changed their minds about me today, I'd take NG with out hesitation (well, not hesitating between the two, I'd hesitate before taking him back though). It has the added appeal of being vindictive.

I keep vacillating between hate and apathy with B.
After being out with B that night - we just met up, got in, but for the most part were dancing elsewhere the whole time - I started realizing that my feelings have alot to do with winning. J is like the white wale. He's the untamable male, and the idea that B could possibly have succeeded where I failed is what is rankling.

Yes I'd say I'm upset that she lied, but I'm sure I'd have been upset if she had told me what went on. Perhaps even more so because it would've been out in the open. At least this way I can pretend I don't know and be friendly. It's when she says something stupid, like last night, she said that her engagement ring is a good thing, it gets caught on things and helps remind her she shouldn't do anything. Huh? Why do you need reminding that you're in love with someone else? And if you do, doesn't that say you're maybe not ready for marriage? I just have to shake my head and feel sorry for this girl.

On the other hand, I keep remember things. Like her sending a package of coats overseas for J. The fact that she bought a new dress to perform with him. That she used to practice at his place. A particular picture that was taken of them dancing in December where it looks like they're about to kiss, and her saying that her BF best not see it. And since it was in December, that means this went on for months. Months. Because it wasn't until January that she said she had issues with the BF and April til she stopped performing with J, though she still goes to the club he works at. The fact that I predicted this a year ago, when he walked into a dance and she said that J was so cute she wanted him to be her boyfriend, oh, not really, she already had a boyfriend. I knew then and there, something would happen.

I can't help but feel like she's the Pied Piper of Hamlin. She's got all these men mesmerized following her along and she's just taken them away from us single girls because she can. And it's just spiteful, she doesn't need another guy if she's supposed to be in love with her fiance. Why does she need so much attention that his isn't enough for her?

Just when I thought it was safe

I don't even know where to begin.

I'm an obsessively envious person I am beginning to realize. I know it stems from my own lack of confidence, but there it is. I'm back into my old situation with BMG, only it's a different girl. BMG finally moved away, and she's been replaced by B. Now, I've always been friends with B. Despite the fact that I became envious of her the day I met her, she was so nice I couldn't help but become her friend. I thought we could actually talk about things, I confided in her about J. She told me her situation with cheating on her boyfriend and following him out here to prove she was sorry. I thought we were friends.

I got even more envious when she started performing with J. They got to practice, and it felt like he was choosing her over me. I figured I was over reacting because she loves her boyfriend and having cheated on him once she never would again. I have an amazing instinct it seems, because I wasn't over reacting.

I'd been excluded from some conversations that B had with other girls on the team. But I caught a few things. I'd noticed how J came out to clubs when she did after she'd been absent for awhile. When I expressed concern about her leaving a club early once in April she told me "I've just got issues I need to talk to the BF about."

The first performance I did with J was because B said she couldn't do it. She blamed team practice, but the fact that I could do the performance showed that to be a lie. The next day I was talking to her about it. I was talking about how I thought J was flirting with me a little and I thought maybe he wanted to try to get in my pants again. Then she asked me how he was in bed.

One weekend while out dancing she complained about how he barely said hello to her. And then went on and on about the connection she feels with him on the dance floor. One of the reasons I'm so envious of her is that she captures every man's attention. She could have any man she wanted even though she has a boyfriend that loves her.


Last wednesday we were at a club and B came out, and J came out. I had had a couple of drinks and so I had this conversation with her:

Me: Why am I not surprised that J comes out on a night that your here.
B: What do you mean?
Me: I mean, he happens to be here when you're here. It's pretty obvious that he'd be all over you if your single.
B: (pause - starts to say something - stops)
Me: Unless he already has.
B: No, he's just here because I called and asked him to come. I wanted him to dance with my friend who's knew to dancing.

For days I felt like shit for being a bitch. I thought, how of rude of me. Now I realize it was the other way around.

Last weekend B's BF became a fiance. Last night was her birthday party. Another of our friends was performing with J so a month ago I (in total innocence and ignorance) suggested we have her birthday there. While on the dance floor with B and another of our girls she starts talking to the other. The other asked how J took her engagement. B says she had wanted to call him and tell him in person (the girls on the team got text messages), but hadn't gotten a chance.

Finally, I had enough. When J came over to ask B to dance and then proceeded to dance the entire set of six songs I took the opportunity to talk to the other girl. I'm probably closest to her. I said, "do you promise to tell me the story behind B and J later? She hasn't told me anything, but I know she's told you and S. I think she doesn't want to tell me because she knows my history with him."

That's when I found out that when B performed with J and they practiced, they'd also fool around. It got to the point where B thought she had feelings for J and told the BF. (That would be the issues)

I'm figuring that's why she told J no to performing with him again. And it's obvious she chose the BF over J. A part of me hopes that he's sad, that J took the engagement badly and that he really had his feelings hurt by her because he hurt mine. The problem with that means that once again she gets chosen and I get nothing. It's like being rejected all over again. But if not, leaves J to be the eternal player, the total jackass, and I still can't get over wanting him anyway. Which makes me more of an obsessive wackjob than I already am.

I am so mad, so angry, so sad and upset I spent 4 hours crying last night and I'm crying now. She lied to me last wednesday. She said J didn't try anything with her. I thought this girl was friend.

I want to go up to her and say "You must think I'm blind, deaf and stupid to not see through you."

It's so hard to go out to a regular club, or a restaurant and see her get hit on, flirt with the guys she cares nothing for, and still she talks about the love of her life the BF. I feel sorry for this guy I should really call him PB for Poor Bastard. She's not going to stop. She pulled the exact same act back at there last home. She met a guy dancing, fooled around, had feelings for him, but loves her BF. The BF left her came out here and she followed him because it made her realize just how much she wanted to spend the rest of her life with just him. Then she comes out here and does the exact same thing. Marriage is not going to stop her. I feel bad for this poor guy who would let her do this to him twice.

I feel like a collasal idiot for ever talking to her about my personal life. Maybe she thought she was sparing me. But of all the people she could have talked to about the situation, I'm the one who would have understood what she was going through. I fell for him too after all. Or maybe she knew I'd try to talk her out of it and she didn't want that. I'm angry with J, but I've known what a jackass he is. I don't have to like him to work/perform with him and take his money for it. I thought I wanted to get back in bed with him, I thought I was ready to be his friend, but now I hate him more than ever. A part of me wants to fuck him anyway, just so I can tell B that I did. If she had feelings for him, she's not gonna like that. I even had a malicious fantasy where after she moves home I make moves on the fiance. Just to teach her what it feels like - what she's done to this guy.

At this point I don't know what to do. B's on my dance team, she's my partner for half of it. We used to go out multiple nights a week. We are supposed to train for an October marathon together Now I can't stand to look at her or talk to her. I don't know if I want to clear the air with her and try to save the friendship or just start to distance myself from her. She's moving back to her hometown at the end of August for at least 6 months. The other girl (the one I made talk) is gonna know why I'm doing it. She knew that I wanted to get back in bed w/ J, if not everything else, and she's gonna know I'm mad at B for fooling around with him and not telling me.

I know some of this is jealousy and my issues. But, that doesn't change the fact that she's a cheat and a liar. I don't know if I want her as my friend, but if I don't try to clear the air am I going to lose the other team members as my friends as well? Which makes me contemplate quitting the team. But if I can make it through august, maybe I won't have to.