Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Deathly Hallows

Yes - there will be spoilers here -

I finally finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I got through the lull while they were hiding out and finished the last 1/4 in one night - stupid I know since I've got to work - but there you go.


1) I'm glad I was warned about the tissues - I think I used 4 or 5 in the last few chapters.

2) I totally called the Snape connection, both that he was good and that the reason he turned against Voldemort and helped Dumbeldore was that he was in love with Lily Evans. As soon as she was part of his worst memory ever back in Order of the Pheonix I've been saying it. The whole reason he hated Harry was because of James Potter.

3) I couldn't stand Dobby. He really annoyed the crap out of me and I was glad that he wasn't in the books so much after Chamber of Secrets. But still I cried when he died.

4) Fred was my favorite twin.

5) I did like Kreacher oddly enough - always have.

6) Loved all the back story - Snape, Dumbledore, the Grey Lady and Bloody Baron. Didn't like the epilogue. I think a family tree would have been cooler with some nod to the fact that the muggle-born wizards are on it. And we find out that Neville went back to Hogwarts to teach - but what is everyone else doing?

7) I can't believe that even w/ Dumbledore being dead J.K. still had the "Dumbledore Explains it all" chapter towards the end of this book.

8) I cried when Severus Snape died. And I like that Harry got over his hatered of him and named his kid after him - but who named their kid after Fred huh? Rose? Hugo? Ron must have let Hermione pick those out they're too normal.

9) I'm a big Harry Potter fan, even though I've got some criticism of the writing, pacing etc (see comment number 7) and I'm just so sad that it's over. The Boy Who Lived grew up.

10) And what about Luna? What happened to her 19 years later?

It is 2am, I have to go to work in 5 hours. Maybe I'll get to more comments later.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Way down deep, I'm not this Shallow

I was out dancing with my friend - the one who invited me out to BBQ on 4th of July (can't remember the initials I gave him anymore) and he asked me about CF, if I had "figured him out yet."

I'm thinking - what is there to figure? When he says, "Because we've figured you out."

Okay, now I'm intrigued. I've been figured out. Really? So then I ask, what he's figured out exactly. I don't think he wanted to tell me, he asked if I really wanted to know.

He started out by telling me that when I first came on the "scene" that he didn't pay much attention to me. "Why do you think that was?" he asked me. I said because I'm shy, unassuming, and I don't draw attention to myself. He said, no. Huh? or at least that's not all of it.

Apparently he thought I was about 19. It didn't help that one of the first times I ever hung out with him was at J's club and I got hugely drunk in an attempt to drown the realization that J didn't give a rat's ass about me. Also, CF at that point was interested in me, and CF usually likes younger girls. So the other guy naturally assumed that I was pretty young.

Then, he says that I don't share stuff about myself and that makes me come off as superficial.

Superficial - because I'm not telling people I dance with my deep seated dreams, fears, desires etc? That's just plain silly. I tell people where I'm from, what I do for a living, how my week was when they ask. There is only so much that people really need to know. Am I supposed to spend the time between dances talking about my stances on politics, religion, reproductive rights, animal rights, civil rights, the environment, literature, education, health care, the economy, outsourcing and anything else that is deep and weighty? Because I am a smart girl, I am a highly (perhaps too much so) educated person, I have opinions on all of those things, most of which are backed up by research and reading that I've done. I'm a published author and poet for crap's sake.

But when someone asks you as they lead you onto the dance floor or while you're getting water, "what's new?" All they are looking to hear is "oh my boss gave me a new project to work on" or "my kid got an A in math, I'm so proud" shit like that. They don't want me to pontificate on the world's world's issues.

I'm private. My life is my life, and people I see only rarely, they don't get the deeper stuff. It's not their right or privlage to know what makes me tick or to have me "figured out." If anything, this guy should be glad that I'm comfortable enough with him to be superficial. I don't generally care to let people know that I can be as petty as the next small or narrow minded person.

I'm a little pissed off with him.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Make that 9 to 5

There is a picture of my legs I didn't notice before. It's two couples dancing but only their legs. Very funny.

And there is a group shot I missed and another of me dancing that I also missed - so probably we're looking at 10! Twice as many.

I'm gonna have to wear a skirt and flirt with YIC guy more often!

Ha Ha! I win 7 to 5 take that.

Okay, so maybe I'm being childish, but I love it.

I checked online today and from dancing last night I have 7, count them 7 pictures up. 3 of them are with guys, 2 of them dancing, 1 standing around, 1 with a girl, and only 2 do I look kinda stupid (making a face).

Compared to 5 of BMG - mostly her dancing - so her back alot, and a couple of her with girls - HA!

To be honest though, I was a major flirt last night. Young Inner Circle guy was taking photos so I just went up to him, took the camera, put my arm around him and snapped a photo of us. That pretty much started the night off and it's how I got so many taken. I also danced with him 3 times. Sure, he's got a girlfriend, but still, get friendly with the inner circle and I'm on my way. Whoo hoo. I was in such a good mood (I didn't even drink!) that I looked at BMG in her micro mini and super tight tank and though, cute. At least this time it didn't look like she was coming from the gym, and there was no ass cheek showing.

I can't walk into a club in yoga shorts and feel good about myself, or a low rise terry cloth mini skirt with my underwear showing at the top. Here's what I don't get - when I wear a skirt that I know flares up I put shorts on underneath, not briefs. If I was wearing booty-shorts/hot-pants I'd wear a thong underneath so as to avoid the VPL. Not BMG though, she has the bikini brief VPL every time I see her. If I had a nice body like she does, why in the world would you not own a few thongs. And there are actually some very comfortable ones out there now-a-days.

But I'm really determined to let it go - what she wears etc. I looked pretty nice last night. I try to look nice when I go out. With any luck, this Proactive will start working soon. My chin and cheeks look like they've exploded.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

It doesn't get better

I ordered a phone upgrade 2 weeks ago. Still haven't gotten the phone tho. I also couldn't get the tracking thing to work to see if it had even shipped yet. Finally it worked (needed some dashes in the number) and it says that the thing was delivered last Monday. A week ago! I never got a package slip on mailbox so I'm thinking it's been delivered to the wrong place, but the address isn't listed on the tracking page.

So I call up my apartment manager and ask. Oh yeah, he's got it. It's sitting right there. huh? wtf? really. I get stuff delivered all time. I'm a dance catalog junkie and I've recently started using Proactive for my acne (still waiting for it to work). So I know the protocol. I'm supposed to get a slip and that's how I know if I've got a delivery.

So this whole time I could have been using my beautiful new magenta RZR, but no somebody had to be a dumbass. What is it with managers?

Work Day Rant

Lord save me from inconsiderate managers.

My supervisor has an "appointment" and needs me to cover part of her desk duty for her. Her response to me saying that that is during my lunch hour: "well, don't you want to eat earlier?" Um, let's see. It's 9:30am, I'm just getting my breakfast while I sit in cube. No, I don't want to eat lunch in an hour and a half. Her response then basically, is too bad. She'll replace me later in the day - say 4ish. Great, so eat early or don't eat.

I'm sure her "appointment" is another pedicure. A few weeks ago - on a friday when we are always short handed, because 4 to 6 people in our department always have the day off on Friday (it's a rotational thing, gives us a 3 day weekend in exchange for working a weekend). She leaves the desk and the building for an "appointment" which she revealed to someone was a pedicure in the neighboring town 20minutes away. She left on her lunch hour with the thought that she'd be back to cover our lunches. Except, that she was late to the salon, so they took someone else ahead of her. Instead of saying to her self, "oh well, that's what I get for being late, I best get going so I my employees can eat their lunch" she waited.

So my co-worker and I are waiting and waiting thinking she's going to be back so that one of us can go to lunch. But we wait in vain. Finally I tell my co-worker to go that I'll stay by myself (which we are not supposed to do). She took a short lunch and then I did the same.

Finally 3 hours after she left our supervisor calls to tell us she's late )Oh really? I hadn't noticed) and to go ahead with our lunches anyway. Three hours later! She finally showed up about half an hour after that.

God only knows how she made up that time. I wonder how the people reading time sheets don't notice this shit. She's constantly coming in late, asking to switch her desk time, forgetting things at home and leaving for half a day to go get them, taking personal calls at work, leaving interns alone at the desk to take personal calls (it's one thing to leave a professional alone even tho it's a faux pax, but an intern - way to show you care about mentoring).

We had booksellers in the building the other day. They were using our desk area selling to the public and we relocated for a bit. They brought a bunch of stuff (candy calendars etc) and had things set out on the desk near their "registers." The idea being that they'd buy a book get up to pay for it and buy something else. Well, it was sitting out so some people were looking at it even tho they weren't in line to buy a book. My supervisor had a fit. She came over and started demanding that we keep the area clear. And I'm thinking - the stuff is there for browsing. If you want the area clear tell the booksellers to get their shit off the table because that is what is enticing people to mill about in this area. What am I supposed to tell people, "I'm sorry, I know we brought in booksellers for you today, but please don't browse their items." and am I supposed to tell the booksellers "I'm sorry, but it's my sworn duty to keep people from looking at these items so you can make less money and therefor not come back since it isn't worth your while."

In short. I can't stand my supervisor. I don't know how she got this job. She's scatterbrained, with no attention to detail, and runs roughshod over her employees.

Today's task - finish my cover letters, squeeze my resume onto two pages (it's got one line hanging off) and apply to two jobs before 5pm.

I just found out too, that one of my co-workers who I like very much, got a job elsewhere and starts early September. Another co-worker that I also like very much is looking elsewhere too. So, I have very little impetus to stay.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Friday Date Night

I had my date with K on Friday. We emailed through the week to set it up. I said I had to work the next morning so it couldn't be late. He emailed me that he had an idea but it would go too late and that he'd save it for another time. He wouldn't tell me what it was though. That creeps me out just a little bit. So he suggested a movie instead.

I didn't think that for someone who wants to get to know me so badly a movie was the greatest suggestion. Unless he was looking to feel me up in the dark or something. So I said dinner instead.

K wanted to meet downtown, I said lets meet in the middle and suggested a place and time. I just didn't want him picking me up at my place, or wanting to come in to my apartment.

I've pretty much decided that I'm not attracted to him. I was attracted to him being attracted to me. Particularly after the whole teasing texts from J.

K got to the restaurant early, I showed up and he was finishing his appetizer and drink. I thought that was rather rude. I understand that he had been working all day, but not to wait for me to order? He should have suggested 6 or 6:30 as a time to meet.

We talked. He kept hinting at his "story" and a "bad time" in his life a few years ago and his current boss being a savior. But he didn't or wouldn't elaborate. I wanted to sceam - "I know you've been in jail! just tell me yourself already." What if somebody having been in prison, or having committed some kind of crime is a deal breaker for me where my relationships are concerned? I've never been in the situation before, so I don't know if it is or not. I don't appreciate that important information being kept from me - when will he decide to tell me? Third date? When we're boyfriend and girlfriend? Never?

Frankly I don't plan on letting it get that far.

I realize that full disclosure on a first date is asking for alot. K keeps talking to me about how he sees some kind of change in me since the spring. He's mentioned it a ton, just going on and on about how great I look lately and how something is different. Frankly, I think it's only half me and the other half is him being broken up with his girlfriend looking for someone else's pants to get into.

I wish I could be less cynical, but even before being given the insider info about him, I wasn't feeling great about this.

I had always figured that we'd split the dinner check, or if he paid for it I'd offer to get us dessert (and then actually get us dessert). I didn't even get a chance to offer. He grabbed the bill and said, I'll get this and you can pay for dessert. Now, just because I'm looking back on it, I wish I had responded that I don't eat dessert, and that I'd prefer to pay for my meal. At least it would have ended the evening sooner.

We went for icecream - I wanted to stop at a family place we passed, but made the mistake of mentioning a particular chain that is good. So we drove more and we went to the chain. We got our icecream and walked around. I was itching to leave. Not only did I have to work in the morning, but I had errands to run for work before I could even punch in, and I had to pick up a video (for work) from the X.

K had other ideas. He wanted to sit and talk, then he wanted to 'hold' me. It makes me seriously uncomfortable his touchy-feely-ness. It's uber awkward sitting on a bench with some guy wrapped around you. I wasn't even doing anything back. He rubbed my back and was talking. I sort of just was limp. He didn't really get the message.

I wasn't particularly comfortable with his driving. He went through some major yellows I though the should have stopped for and he put his hand out the window to give some guy the finger. Both real turn offs. I remember my first "date" with The Jackass years ago and thinking he must be a good guy because he heard ambulence sirens and pulled over before I even registered them. When K dropped me off he tried to kiss me. I gave him a hug before I got out and as I pulled away he went in for the kiss. Literally, I went "oh!" and gave him my cheek. Then said thanks and got out.

I feel bad on the one hand because I totally made out with him two weeks ago. But I didn't really like it, and the whole back rubs "holding" me thing - I'm just not into it.

I expected him to be a little upset. I judged this by the lack of a middle-of-the-night text message which he usually sends me after seeing me.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Please rephrase that in the form of a question

Cruel Virgin gave me 5 interview questions (okay, I asked for them). I don't really think anyone else reads my blog - but on the off chance - anyone else can be interviewed by me, if they ask me in my comment section.

I must say that I was pleasantly suprised by the questions asked. I didn't really know what to expect, but these questions definetly made me think.

1. What to you is an ideal job, assuming that yes, you do have to work in order to survive? Elaborate at will.

The ideal job to me is a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I understand that people don't pay their bills by earning a paycheck for going to "fun" every day. It's work, it's a job. But you shouldn't dread it. You shouldn't want to avoid doing it or going there. We spend 1/3 of our day there, and good portion of our lives and we should get some satisfaction from doing it.

I wish I knew what my specific ideal job is. I mostly know what I don't like and yet it's everywhere I go.

I don't like micromanagers, I don't like being left to flounder with out training either. I like helping people, but I don't like the cranky public, I only like the appreciative ones. I don't mind young people (I work with them now) but only in small quantities, and not when they're giving me attitude or trying to be "cool" for their peers. I like learning new things, but I don't like being given things out side of my job duties or description.

In short - I'm way too picky.


2. What is the problem with all the men in the world, or am I just being stereotypically female?


It's the game. And unfortunately I think it's what's wrong with all of us male and female alike. It's the utter hypocrasy of the 'getting-you-into-bed' game. Maybe I'm being sterotypical too, but I've seen it over and over again, even with supposedly "nice" guys, "good" guys, guys who are boyfriend material, guys that are looking for a relationship. This game isn't restricted to players, I think it's just hardwired into their brains.

They do and say whatever it takes to get a woman's pants off, but once they get what they want they lose respect for the girl. Even guys who claim to not do this it's still there. Boyfriend or husband is still keeping score of how soon she got into bed with them, how dirty she talked, what she suggested, etc. and it will come up later. It might be subtle, but it's there with each and every male I have ever encountered - ever.

3. You live in what you refer to as an unpleasant area of the Midwest. What makes it so bad in your eyes? You don't need to name the state or city.

The city I live in currently has been dying for 40 years and unfortunately our politicians don't seem to be able to do anything about it. Our mayor in particular seems more interested in living the high life and spending money to do a decent job and get anything done. Why in the world the majority re-elected him I don't know.

My issue with the Midwest is that it was built on the manufacturing industry and that too is dying out in America. I feel for all of the workers and their families when yet another plant closes, here and in our surrounding states, but at the same time, hanging on to the manufacturing industry and hanging our livelihood on it is not going to help revive our state or the rest of the midwest. I disagree with the idea that if I drive a foreign car I am somehow contributing to the downward spiral of my community. The people here need to look forward. The politicians need to find new ways of revitalizing the state and this city instead of holding on to the past.

I also don't think the midwest is very interesting. We have no mountains, no rivers, no big city night life, no coast, no ocean. It's plain, and it's boring as hell.
Then there is the weather. Winter lasts 6 months - it starts in November and leaves in May. Spring lasts all of 2 seconds in between the last sleet-ice-snow storm of winter and the blistering hot 90+ degree days of summer (but I like those best), fall lasts for all of October, and while beautiful in some parts of the state only proclaims that negative tempatures with worse wind chills and mornings scraping ice and snow off my car are soon to arrive.

4. What two books should everyone read in order to become better human beings and why?

Hmm... that is a hard question because everyone reacts to books differently. Look at "The Secret" which Oprah had on her show - everyone and their mother wants to read that book, because supposedly it will change your life. Frankly, I want nothing to do with it and I refuse to even pick it up. But then I'm a book snob.

Also, I think becoming a better human being depends on action it requires the person to not only learn something from the book and then act on it.

The first book that came to mind tho was The Tao of Pooh. I think if everyone in this world could learn to be less materialistic the planet would be better off. If there is one truth that I beleive in it is the idea that suffering comes from want. I don't know if it's actually possible to eliminate want, and I know that I do a very bad job of even trying, but I think it's a great lesson to learn.

The only other one that comes to mind is Animal Farm. I think that hypocrisy is another important lesson in life (gosh I must be in a cynical mood today). In that people will always say one thing and do another. But I don't see how that is going to make anyone a better person - unless it's to strive to eliminate it from our behaviour.



5. Why do you blog?


Blogging started as an extention of my journaling. I've been journaling for about 10 years now. I have all of my old ones - I decorated each one differnetly depending on my age and mood at the time. I started writing in a journal when I realized I didn't want to turn 80 and wonder how I had spent my life.

It is for me also a way to talk about those things I do, feel, and think that I may not be so proud to admit to those around me. I don't trust people to not be judgemental - I get so much of it already and they see only the superficial me. I shudder to think what would happen if they saw the real.

I first started blogging after the X broke up with me. I was pretty fed up with myself and how I had allowed my existance and identity to wrap itself around him so completely. I was disgusted with myself and I took it out on myself physically. I started an extreme diet and began exercizing alot. I knew that I was on the verge of, if not already, developing an eating disorder and I needed a place to talk about it. Even then though, if you read my archives, I kind of skirted the topic and I talked about the way I thought I was supposed to. I gave up on blogging for a bit and then I started the fling with J. Again, it was behavior that was the antithesis of "me" and I knew the people around me wouldn't approve. So rather than confide in friends that I knew would be judgemental and encourage me to stop I kept quite and talked about it here.

I also think on some level I was also looking for feedback from my posts since I couldn't talk to those around me because I didn't/don't think they are supportive.

I guess, it's a way for me to safely show another side of my personality with out fear of reprisal. Whether my fears are founded or not, I've never really wished to find out.

Per the interview rules:
1. Leave me a comment saying “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with a post containing your the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Lost: Work Ethic. Reward if Found

I can not seem to motivate myself. I have done Zero work all week. Heck, on Tuesday I called in sick, then I exercized, went grocery shopping, baked cupcakes and a cake, and went to a going away party for the X. I was obviously not sick.

I just hate this place so much. I can't stand being here. The only thing that makes it bareable are a few of my coworkers.

I used to be a great employee. Managers loved me they always offered me manager positions, or manager training. It isn't that I would really go above and beyond I just did my work, I did it well, and I took pride in that. Even when I worked at a movie theater. Little things like offering gift certificates to people who wanted to pay with a credit card at the consession stand (which you couldn't do, but you can buy GCs at the box office with one), or even cleaning the popcorn machine - totally gross, but I didn't want to eat popcorn from a dirty machine.

Now that I'm a professional I've lost it. I don't care. I actually am looking forward to a meeting one day where they say, "you don't seem to be happy here" and I get to respond with "you're right, I'm not, I think I'll leave."

I wrote up a cover letter for a new position at my old job. I just need to fix up my resume.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

The Mother Load of Red Flags

So, on Friday I got a call from CFF, one of my dancing buddies. He wanted to know if I would join him in a dance lesson, which he needed a partner for. That ended up not working out, but we chatted for awhile - basically 1/2 an hour, my whole drive home.

He finshed up with "one other thing. I noticed..." He had noticed K being uber friendly to me on Thursday and wanted to know if I was okay with it. He came out and said that I am too nice and that if I didn't like attention, but was too nice to say anything to K, then to let him and CF know. I thought that was super sweet of him. He also said that he was concerned because he'd heard some things about K having offended a number of women. CFF didn't have the details, but told me to talk to CF if I wanted to know.

Of course I wanted to know! I have agreed to go out with K. I've made out with him. He's practically groping me on the dance floor and makes no bones about wanting to get it on with me. So yeah, a) I can see him offending others with his over the top behavior and b) if he's doing something (or has done) something inapropriate with other girls, then I want to be forewarned.

So after class on Monday I went up to CF asked if he had a minute and said, "I'm told that you know K pretty well. He's been calling me and asking me out and I've been told that I should talk to you about him." CF's response, "I'll tell you since you asked, do you have time to go get something to eat?" We went to a diner and were there for 2 1/2 hours.

I was not expecting to learn what I learned.

First of all, I was right when I thought K was dating another dancer. I am a little put off by the fact that he down played a couple of weeks ago. I said "I thought you had a girlfriend." and his response was "oh, well, I was talking to somebody for about a minute, and that was a mistake."

Um, from what I learned it was K that made the mistake. Back in late March, early April, he left his email logged inot on the girlfriend's computer. So when she gets on the next day it's K's account that is open. Apparently she found evidence not only of him cheating on her, but of him also sharing his exploits, complete with pictures to convicts in prison - people he knows personally, from his previous jail time.

{Insert picture of shocked me here}

It's funny, because in the few conversations I've had with K and he mentioned "law" I thought he studied the law either preparing for, or in Law School, not "The Law" as in "I fought the law and the law won."

CF even forwarded me the emails that K's X sent out to all the dancers she knows (I was not one of them). I haven't read them yet. I won't until Saturday (or more likely Friday night) because I had already made plans to go out with K on Friday. I was already feeling like his behavior wasn't all kosher, but I don't want to totally prejudice myself against him.

Friday, July 06, 2007

I may be gross, but I still look like Jessica Alba




I'm siked that I got Jessica Alba as a celeb look-a-like. Someone mentioned that to me a few years ago and I've been obsessed with her ever since - I even sit through horrid movies like Fantastic Four and Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer.

I'm also a huge fan of Allison Hannigan. I spent the better part of my Senior year in High School and college years trying to look like her. I'd take her picture to stylists when getting my hair cut. I spent alot on red hair dye too.

I'm not so pleased with the Alice Cooper though - I think sometimes if the angle of your picture matches they say you're a look-a-like.

I was planning on spending the sunny weekend outside - turns out UV rays are a big cause of cold sore outbreaks. Great! It's entirely possible that my 4th of July outing helped contribute to my sorry state of near leprosy.

Gross, Grosser, Grossest

The hot pants made a reappearance last night. This time I knew I recognized them from somewhere. They are the pink and orange version of these from Victoria Secret. This time paired with the old midrift baring top. BMG was the only one in the whole place dressed that way and I wasn't the only one to notice the fashion faux pax. K decided to show up - he said he really wanted to see me and didn't want to wait. We danced like maybe 3 times. He must have talked a couple of other people from the dance studio we go to to come with him because it was also their first time there. At one point when BMG was up dancing, K turns to his friend and says "you should get some of those" she looked at him like he was crazy and said "um...no." I had to laugh.

The week before Young Inner Circle guy said that he hadn't gotten a chance to dance with me because I was never available, there were too many guys in line and he swore he got an elbow to the face when he tried. This was attributed to my outfit - which was a short black skort and a red tank top. Of course he danced with BMG a few times and that was the 1st appearance of the hotshorts. Seeing the one picture of me from that week - I still managed to look more covered than her. Anyway - he still didn't dance with me this week and expressed disapointment at my outfit. However he raved about the booty shorts.

I purposely covered up. I do have a pair of short shorts I plan on wearing at some point in the summer - but with a shirt that covers me - and not until I feel like a I can wear them and not be hanging out from underneath. I ended up having a conversation with somebody about what is appropriate to wear in public and what is actually sexy vs. trashy. We came down to covered is sexy and half naked is trashy - unless it's your pajamas in your own home.

That's the gross and grosser - because at least last week she wasn't baring midrift. This time it was like a crop top and booty shorts.

Unfortunately, the grossest is me.

On Wednesday night I tried to wax my own mustache even though it's really only peach fuzz. I woke up with what I thought was a reaction to the wax on the right corner of my upper lip - pimple like - it's happened to me when I had my eyebrows waxed once. I didn't think much of it. I put some pimple stuff on it and since I was going out that night I figured I'd put some on my other pimples. I have broken out really bad in the past few weeks. Only to discover later when I got home - it wasn't an allergic reaction to the wax - it was the beginning of a cold sore and instead of putting something for cold sores on it I used benzoyl peroxide and because I used the blemish stick in mutiple areas now I had not just one spot of ickky blister Herpes Simplex 1 on my face, I've got it in three spots.

K emailed me today about how much he liked seeing me the other night and wanted to meet up for dinner tomorrow before going to a dance. Obviously I can't not looking like a disgusting freak. I made plans with a girlfriend instead and then emailed him that I already had plans. I'll probably still see him if I decide to go to the dance - we'll see how my face is by then.

I was on the phone with another friend of mine who I dance with alot and he said that he had seen me with K, and that K was being overly friendly. He asked me if he and CF needed to talk to him for me. I thought that was pretty nice. He said that K makes some girls uncomfortable. He only mentioned one girl to me and I can see how something I might think is totally fine she would be offended by, but my friend claims that CF knows even more.

CF will be at the dance tomorrow so hopefully I'll get a chance to see what he knows. I think maybe it was a good idea that I said no to dinner before hearing what my friend had to say. I wouldn't want to go on a date with him with this rumor in my head. I'm hoping it's nothing and just this ultra-conservative girl that didn't like him putting a hand on her hip or something.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Hidden posititves

I still haven't done anything with J other than text alot and say hi, and dance once. I still have time to come to my senses and tell him to fuck off.

My apartment is semi clean (as I was straightening up and puttng my sheets in the washing machine - I thought to myself "why are you doing all this? you know he's going to cancel at the last minute.")

His ass-hat behavior is quickly souring my feelings toward him. In fact I'm trying hard to find something positive to like about him right now.

I think that I am an inch away from really honestly being able to say that I'm done with him.

I'm not angry anymore like I was last night - J is consistant, I can give him that. That is how I knew deep down that he would cancel. This is what he always does. Now it's just resignation. That he is just not worth my time and efforts.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

But I do care when I'm made a fool of...

Sixth sense -

I knew he was going to be at the club I mentioned in my text and I knew he'd cancel our "get together."

The night was going fine. At first I had a hard time. Seeing him, watching him dance with 5 or 6 other girls before saying hi and asking me to dance - then counting out the timing for me during a dance!

Somewhere in the pit of my stomach I knew tho that he wasn't coming over. A part of me didn't want him to anyway.

I left partway through with L when they started playing hip hop with intention of coming back and dancing some more after one drink. I told J and he said he was leaving to a birthday party instead of staying to let him know when I was home.

I was a few miles from my door getting ready to pull over and text when I get one from him "really drunk, not going to drive. going to stay at my friend's. I'm feeling really sick."

Great. so in the scheme of things having a second or third beer is higher on the priority list than meeting me. Getting drunk was higher on his to do list than getting laid - well, fine. But I don't have to put up with it.

I was pretty close to replying "Stop texting me, I'm done with all of this bullshit." But I didn't. I cried for about half an hour and then replied "I don't want you to drink and drive, but don't tell me to pick a night if you can't or won't follow through. I don't need that bullshit for a random get together"

I wish I could have been stronger. At this point I am so angry with myself that I want to scream at him to leave me alone from now on that I am through wasting my time on someone who doesn't give the smallest shit about me. I wanted to tell him not to text me, not to call, not to even bother saying hello if he sees me, that's how done I am.

We'll see if the humilation grows or dies down, whether or not I end up doing that.

I know I'm weak, I just don't care

There was a whole lot 'o text messaging going on this weekend.

J did text me back Saturday night. I was sitting with the X waiting for the previews before Fantastic Four (can I just say those were the most interesting 10 minutes of the movie) when the text came. All he had to say was that he wasn't "trying" to ignore me. Oh no, not trying - it just happens all on it's own. That's how little he thinks of me. So when I left the X's I basically texted that back to him. That and that I must be his last resort when feeling horny. I got a responce around 3am, "you're not, I really have fun with you. Do you want to get together?" I couldn't believe it. After all the messages he's still wanting to get it on.

I didn't respond until Sunday. At that point I'd finally decided to give in. I'm unhappy either way - either he's not with me and I'm thinking about him feeling aweful that he doesn't care, or I'm sleeping with him on occasion thinking why doesn't he want to be with more. At the very least in one of the senario's I can be getting some hot sex.

So I told him I wasn't around for the weekend but that we should get together soon. He responded with tell him when. He didn't even fall for my "anytime that's good for you" text. So I told him we can get together tonight after I'm done dancing.

I know things with J aren't going to be any different this time. In fact they might even be worse. He's totally aknowledged the fact that he is booty calling me. And despite me saying that I don't want to get hurt again, I've gone and given in. My hopes are that I can keep in mind that he's never going to be a boyfriend, or even a date and if I can keep myself busy enough with other non-sex relationships and going out with friends then I think I might be able to keep perspective this time around.

I am also sort of hoping - seeing as J and BMG weren't hanging out together when I saw him at the one club - that I can stop obsessing about BMG now that he's back to sleeping with me. I remember the feeling of security that I had a year ago when we were at a dance. I had a hugely fun time even though he was dancing with and talking to so many other girls because I knew we were going to leave together. Sure it was just to have sex and then go our separate ways.

Speaking of BMG - I have to get my weekly cattiness out of the way. I thought the white mini skirt with side slit up to her panties was bad. But I get to the club on Thursday and she's wearing lime green booty shorts that showed bottom cheek when she danced, a tank top and pig tails with her high heel dance shoes. The really funny thing was that the temperature dropped that day by like 10 degrees. If it had been really hot outside I could understand coming in something you were comfortable in, but it was cold for summer. Ugh, I've seriously got to stop comparing myself to her - I don't want to look like that. Yeah, it'd be nice to not have the cellulite making it possible for me to wear that stuff - but not if it comes at the price of the rest of my womanly figure (I'm small, but I've still got hips). I just don't know why guys go ga ga at the sight of so much skin and fail to see the total lack of hips, waist or boobs, on the girl. Oh and taste. I thought it was bad with the white shirt and black bra, but this is horrible. It makes me wish for those days back. I might have to change her alias from Bare Midrift Girl to Nearly Naked Girl.

I've come up with a name for her guy friend that she argues with on the dance floor. Cool Guy is going to be his name - because that's how he acts. I actually overheard them on the dance floor on Thursday. She was mad, and I heard him say "how am I supposed to learn if I don't try it out." It sounds to me like she doesn't like to try out moves she doesn't know or is comfortable with. Understandable if your just dancing to look good or aren't a good follower. Ha!

Okay - cattiness done.

K was away for the weekend. He sent me a text on Sunday saying that he was headed back and an email yesterday morning. In the email he said he'd call, but didn't until this morning at 8:30am. I should have been at work so I didn't pick up. I did email him back though. He claims to want to go to dinner, but he signed off his email "hope to see you soon...and hold you." Blech - can I have a little less cheese please. And wanting to hold somebody has much more romantic/sexual connotations than I am prepared to have with him right now.
 
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