Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Kindness of strangers

I was driving home from work. It has been a hectic day and I didn't get out of work on time. Of course I've been thinking about J. I was once again imagining things to say to him when I see. I keep imgaining it at the club he works at. I do that alot. I start it differently every time, but I usually get around to mentioning how he doesn't give me a second thought.

The next thing I know tears are welling up in my eyes and the tears start to flow. It was a quiet cry.

I start to notice this car on my left who is not passing me. I look over and this guy is looking at me. He makes a motion like "why are you crying?" I just waved him off trying to say "I'm fine go away." But he doesn't. He keeps looking at me. Motioning me to smile etc. I eventually start laughing. Then he gave me a thumbs up sign, blew me a kiss and drove away.

There I was crying about a guy who doesn't give a shit about me when a complete stranger takes the time to notice and cheer me up. J continues to look worse and worse.

I look like I got punched in the face

Cold Turkey - Start of Day 3

God I cried for like two hours last night. I look horrible this morning. It's just hard to come to terms with the fact that J really doesn't give a shit about me. Not at all.

When I finally got to bed I continued to think about what I could say to him. God, I really want to get my frustration, my disillusionment, my disapointment, my contempt for him off my chest.

I imagined going to his club a few fridays from now and saying:

This past summer, I met a great a guy. He was so nice, smiling, laughing, flirting with me. He called me when he said he would and he actually had full conversations that didn't involve setting up a date for sex. I was attracted to him more than anyone else I've ever met. I guess I made the mistake of acting on it and sleeping with him. Because that great, nice guy I knew is gone. Now I'm left with this player who thinks its okay to flirt with other girls right in front me, pick up other girls right next me, ignore me for weeks, and still expect me to spread my legs when he's horny. I liked the old J I knew this summer. I don't know who you are, but if he ever comes back, let me know, because I don't like this new J who lacks so much respect and consideration for someone who tried to be their friend. I am not attracted to this J who acts like such a player, and I certainly am not going to sleep with him again.


Got it felt so good to come up with that. It's not yelling and it's not angry it's just a statement of how I feel.

I was able to get to sleep after that. Who knows if I'll get a chance to use it or not.

I've come up with a few additions, addendums, edits of that general idea since then as well, but the gist is all the same. In one version I say that I deserve better than him, kiss him on the lips (in full public view) and say goodbye before turning around and walking out. Another version, I make the consession that I realize I'm not his girlfriend, but even friends with benefits have to act like friends and I don't get that much consideration from him.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

The disillusionment continues - Cold Turkey- Day 2

Wow. I stuck to my guns. I can't believe it!!!

All day I was miserable and mopey and on the verge of tears. I left work early and continued the debate with myself on whether to go to J's class or not. I woke thinking I'm going to go. If nothing else than to make him feel bad. And so that I wouldn't be that girl "playing the game." I tried to convince myself that I would say something snearing like "I notice you made a new friend on Sunday." And if he mentions something about me being jealous I'd respond with "Should I be? Did you fuck her in the back of your car too?"

But I'm a coward. A chicken. I'm too scared to upset him. I learned from the best example in the world (my mother) on how how to be passive agressive. (I'm having it reinforced through my working environment now too!)

I was really going to go.

But I just kept remembering J and that girl on Sunday. How much he danced with her, how he was walking off with her, the fact that she asked him as they stood behind me "do you want my email too?" - if you're trolling for students, you give them your card, not the other way around. I think about the way that he danced with her - I looked over at one point before I really gave in the ghost that night and they were forehead to forehead and his hand was on her neck. That's the move you make before kissing someone. I just keep that image before my eyes and it's easy to walk away from J.

So instead I went home did my dishes, got my yoga mat, and went to a different class that started after his. I was almost afraid that I would run into him in my parking lot, but didn't. As luck would have it though, I was waiting outside for my class to open up and who comes out of his room next door on the phone. I just caught a glimpse of him before I turned my head. He must have seen me there with my yoga mat in hand waiting to go to not-his-class. When I loooked back again his back was to me and then my classroom was open so I went in.

It actually felt pretty wonderful. I feel bad because I'm friends with his assistant and I know she'll wonder where I was. What do I tell her? Sorry, I'm avoiding J for all it's worth because he fucks me but doesn't really give a fuck about me.

He also hasn't emailed back from the one I sent 2 weeks ago or the one I sent yesterday morning. At somepoint I will have to call him and ask him to confirm or cancel with me on that. This is my job after all, that he's jerking around with.

I have slightly more sympathy for the XX now. The whole you should stay and hang out with me even though I don't want you sinario pretty much sucks. Which is why I'm not going to do it.

I'm wondering how long before J calls me for a get together. I'm going to guess 3 weeks, maybe even four. If it's more than that I will know that it's all over.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Make it stop

I got all sad and cry-y at work as I was leaving. I knew I was going to have to see him since he walks in at the end of my yoga class.

But yoga was moved! I didn't have to lay a single eyeball on him, give him the cold shoulder or pretend I didn't see him.

But yoga gives me all sorts of positive, optimistic feelings. Like if I can contort my body this way, or balance on foot while stretching like that, then all must surely come out right in the world.

What a load of bull shit.

Maybe J was just networking. Maybe he needs a back-up partner for his performance at the club in case this partner leaves, gets injured, I intentianally break her ankle - mean gets ill.

Yeah, networking...networking with a skinny, mid-drift baring, long haired, casually beautiful chick who he couldn't stop dancing with!

After yoga I was prepared to suck it up and go to his lesson tomorrow. Fuck that shit. I don't need to dance with those mediocre-should-be-in-beginner-class guys. I'm done with trying to get a minute of J's time. When it's obvious that he wants to give it elsewhere.

Fuck him.

Cold Turkey Day 1 - Why am I so Pathetic all the time?

Half the day gone and I'm already getting wish washy. I haven't even seen him yet!

But he'll know I'm mad at him.

But I don't want to be mean.

But what if she was just interested in lessons. (yeah right!)

But, But, But.

But he's a jack ass jerking me around. He's the guy who will introduce me to his girlfriend one day at a dance a week after boning me, I'm sure.

I get all flushed and angry when I remember seeing him last night. That is what I need to keep in my mind. And remember that he's a clueless boy who doesn't see what is right in front of him. So he's not going to think I'm mad at him. It probably won't even occur to him.

It just hurts so much. The humiliation. That he wouldn't think anything of it - picking up that girl right in front of me.

I wish I could be one of those "show him you don't need him" kind of girls. That's how I felt when the XX was showing interest again. I felt like I could go to J's class and be uninterested in him. But I don't feel that way now. I wish I could show up to his class or the club strong and be all -"oh-what?-really?-I-hadn't-noticed-I-was-so-busy-dancing-with-other-guys." But in reality. I'm all - "why-don't-you-just-stab-me-in-the-heart-then-rip-it-out-and-laugh-and dance-on-top-of-it-with-her-while-I-bleed-to-death?" about it. Last time I got mad I caved in. I called I left messages. I texted. What did it get me? This. This horrible aweful feeling of uselessness and degredation.

How many times do I have to go through this? The girl in the summer class, pink-sweat-suit girl, girl from his beginning class, now this. When will I get the hint and re-grow my self-respect?

When will I stop being this hovery, blubbery, mass of self-loathing? I really would rather loath him. I wish I didn't think so much of him. Haven't I had enough evidence to the contrary. He's not as nice a guy as I think he is. He's a player, a jerk, an asshole, a jackass, a flirt, a slut.

The sad thing about going Cold Turkey is that I don't know if I'll get the chance to tell him any of this. I'm afraid that his presence will hit me like a ton of rocks when I do end up seeing him. Or maybe I'll have cooled off enough that I can be honest and normal around him. Yes that's it. Cool off. Cold Turkey is giving me time so I can cool off, to feel better about myself and less hung up on him.

Cold Turkey - Day zero

I went to one of my regular monthly social dances last night. J had mentioned on Thursday when I saw him that he might go, but I didn't have my hopes up. He hasn't been to it in months. I was pretty pleased when I got there and I saw him.

My pleasure disintrigated a couple of hours later.

There is nothing like watching somebody you have feelings for pick up another girl right in front of you. I watched them dance song after song together. I watched him do sexy moves with her that he used to do with me (back when he actually danced with me). I watched them exchange info. Heck, they did that standing right behind me. I felt him practically ignore me for the second half of the dance. I saw them get ready to leave together.

And that's when I had enough.

It's bad enough to know deep down that I don't mean anything to him. It's another thing to have it shoved under nose, to have to watch it. I feel so humaliated. Like I'm the biggest idiot in the world for being blind and letting myself be hurt like this.

So I went and asked him to dance with the excuse that I was leaving soon. It sucked, he wasn't interested and kept messing up. I like to think he was feeling guilty, but probably only because I reminded him of my existance. He'd probably forgotten all about me being there. And then I danced a couple more with other people. And then I when I really was leaving I walked up to another instructor and booked her for the program that J was supposed to be helping me with. She's even going to charge less!

J wants to scew me and then pick up other girls right where I can watch? Fine. But fuck him if he thinks I'm going to turn around and throw him a bone (professionally speaking). He doesn't think he's going to be in town anyway and I was going to try to bend over backwards and get the date changed, but fuck that. That's too inconvient for the people coming. So no. He's out.

That night I realized. I am doing my self a dis-service just being around him. It is just feeding my addiction. So now I'm going cold turkey. I'm not going to his class on Tuesday, I'm not going back to his club, I even erased his number from my phone. Not that I think he'll notice that I'm not around.

In alot of ways though, I feel like I'm shooting myself in the foot too. But that's the addiction speaking. Operation Going Cold Turkey starts now.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Hunger

I'm reading a book for work. How I Live Now by Meg Rosoff. It's a little disturbing in that the narrator falls in love with her cousin (her first cousin) and this isn't medieval times either.

But in her explination of it she talks about slipping away with him where ever they could find to be away from others

"where we would try and try to get enough of each other but it was like some witch's curse where the more we tried to stop being hungry the more starving we got."

That's how I feel. The more I have of J the more I want him.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Satisfaction

Finally. J made it over yesterday. I woke up yesterday feeling fine even though he never called back on Wednesday. And I just figured I'd see him on Tuesday in class and we'd have another week of trying to get together.

I was suprised when he called me yesterday evening. I was working and left a message but he called twice! and managed to catch me on break. He said he might be around when I got home and to call him anyway. I rushed out of work the moment I could clock out and sped home. I actually saw him parked down the road a bit sitting in his car! So I called and he came over.

It was weird only because when he got in, met my cat who I just moved from my parents house a couple of weeks ago, and small talked for all of one minute, we fell on each other like we were ravenous. Granted it had been a couple of weeks, but we went from, "Sorry my place is messy" to sucking face like it was sustinance and we were in the desert.

He didn't stay long, but we did lie there and chat for a bit. There was no good kissing when he left this time, I missed that. But I think he really wanted to leave and when he said that he had to go while we were lying there, I just said okay, and cuddled for another few minutes. Oh well.

The thing about being with J, is that I get this emotional euphoria from being with him, but it does nothing to sasiate my physical yearning for him. I am as horny today for him specifically as I was yesterday and wednesday, probably more so...it's weird.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Frustration!

I could not get any work done today. I just kept thinking about J all day. I would make up different fantasy sinarios. I was so glad when my coworkers would leave the office so I could close my eyes and just imagine being with J. It got me so horny. I knew it was improbable that he'd come over today after all he hadn't been feeling well, but I was thinking about it anyway.

When I got to my 5:30 circuits class I saw the canceled sign for his class today. I figured he must be really sick and resigned myself to going home. I managed some walking/jogging and stretching after my class and then headed home. I do have a ton of work to get done for tomorrow and like normal haven't finished much (any) of it.

Imagine my surpise then when I checked my phone at home and see a text message. J is one of the few people who does text me. And he had. Wanting to know if I'd be home at 7. It was 7:15. I quickly called him back hoping to catch him. No such luck, I left a message.

It's 8 now. I'm going crazy!! I wanted him all day. I was dreaming about him all freakin' day and I missed my chance.

There was little voice that said, don't run after class today, just go home. I wish I had listened. I would have gotten his message only a 1/2 hour after he sent it instead of an hour +. I don't know if it would have made a difference. But here I am totally frusturated and I need to blame it on something.

I want to call him again, just in case. But I don't want to hound him. I'm going to get started on my work. Surest way of getting someone to call is when you're busy and don't need the interuption.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Hope springs eternal

I gave it one last try yesterday. At least then I could say I tried.
I didn't say anything to J after yoga. He came in went straight to the stereo to start the music for his class, I put my shoes on, rolled up my mat and left. I had originally hoped to have a couple of CDs for him as a peace offering I was going to put a note with them. But I forgot them at home and didn't have enough time before class to get them. And really there is no time between our classes to talk.

Instead I went home and started doing my dishes. I was greeted to the most putrid smell when I walked in the door and was suddenly glad that J hadn't been over. It was seriously gross.

At 7:45 I called him. I knew he wouldn't answer since he was still teaching his class. I left a message letting him know I knew he might be busy, but told him what time I'd be back from my dance class, that I wouldn't be in his class the next day due to work, but that I hoped he had a good day.

I waited. And when I got to class I put my phone in my coat pocket and hung it in the lobby.

I had a great class I really enjoyed it. But still nothing when I was done. I had a super scary incident of some guy following me on the express way home. I didn't cut him off or anything, he just kept driving up next to me looking and looking at me then getting behind me. It was freaky. Finally the third time he got next to me and looked. I pulled into the empty lane and hit my brakes. I drove really slow for quite a while letting him get ahead of me. I just wish I had gotten his licence plate just in case. Luckily that did the trick and I didn't see him again.

I gave J 45 minutes after I told him before I went to sleep. I tried not to cry, but a couple of tears escaped.

I got up this morning determined to be done with him. I kept thinking in my mind how inconsiderate he is. Selfish Inconsiderate Jackass. At least call or text me an "I can't." I figured I'd just avoid him from now on.

At the end of my work out I got my endorphin rush. It made me think that maybe everything would work out. I thought I could still go to his class, and his club, but didn't have to continue sleeping with him. I thought, maybe I'll skip this class and since I can't go to the club this friday maybe he'd be calling me after awhile and I imagines myself giving it to him about how insensitive he is and that I'm not just a convenient place to stick his dick when it's hard, bla bla bla.

I was feeling, down but resigned when I got to work. One of the ladies who has been so great about getting me acclimated and answering all my questions I think can tell that I've been down lately. But bless her she hasn't asked me about it.

Before my dinner break I wrote J an email from my work email about the program he's supposed to be helping me on, but doesn't think he'll make now. I had emailed him a week ago to no response (inconsiderate right), but I also know he's got a new email address so I plan on sending it there if I don't get a chance to talk to him first.

On my dinner break, my phone tells me I have a missed call and a message. I'm thinking it must be my mom.

Nope, J. J called and he left a message. Wow. I was stunned. Happy and stunned, and giddy and stunned. I clocked out went to the staff lounge and listened to him (three times). He was getting back to me from my call the other night. He wanted to sooner, but he's got a stomach virus (blech!) and is feeling sick. He actually sounded it on the phone too.

I texted him when I got home "get well soon!!" and figure I'll see him in class on Tuesday.

What will happen now I don't know. But somehow what happened on Friday must have made him think. I was afraid he'd realize my feelings and run away. But maybe for awhile at least he'll be a little more considerate. At least long enough for me to get the guts and fess up.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

To sleep, perchance to dream

I'm thinking of taking my sexy lingerie back. I just don't think that J and are "there" yet.

And I'm thinking I should have said something about Valentines. Even if I had just texted him a happy v-day. I did for New Years complete with XXX for kisses. Of course I had been drinking.

I've had two dreams about him recently:

1) We were making out and I suggest he come over. He looks at me and says, why do I always have to come over just for sex? Why can't we ever just hang out? I've got feelings you know. I'm not just a sex object. Tell you what, why don't I just leave you alone to think about that for awhile and I'll be back in a few weeks when you decide whether or not you have feelings for me.

2) We were at a dance studio and slipped off to be together. Skip to later when I'm putting my dance shoes away and there are these old guys talking about me, but in that young guy way of "yeah, I'd tap that." And one of these old guys says, "I already have." At which point I realize it's J. Because I think to myself, no way have I ever slept with this elderly guy who is so obviously rude and horrible. It hits me that J has multiple personalities and the old guy is his Mr. Hyde sort to speak.

The first one is obviously my own wishful thinking and a role reserval. It's exactly what I wish I had the guts to say to J. If I had the courage to walk away. I'm just so scared of not having anything of him. There is also a healthy dose of embarrasment involved with having to avoid him if he rejects me. First of all I don't want to have nothing. But I was telling myself I don't have to feel bad about my feelings for him. What is so wrong with liking him more than just as sex object? Nothing. There is nothing wrong with it. So why do I feel embarrassed? Why do I feel like I need to apologize for it?

Why do I get the feeling that he has some idea of my feelings and behaves this way (ala dream #2) in order to keep me at bay?

I gave my number to some guy I met at a dance on Saturday. I don't know why I do this. Is "oh that's nice, but why don't we jsut see each other at these socials" such a hard thing to say? I know that I was having a better time when I was going out with other guys. But I don't really want to. I want J or I want to stay single.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Friday Night Lights

The Day

I went shopping yesterday to use a gift card. It's post valentines day so lots of pretty lingerie was on sale. I made the mistake of buying some.

While I was out my friend called. He canceled on me. But said he'd try it with me some time soon. (Hmm....that sounds familiar. Where I have I heard that vague promise before?)

The good part of the night
But I went on my own anyway. Oddly enough I ran into somebody else that I know. Another person from the gym who's class I've got to one or two times and has been trying to flirt with me. J came over to talk to us and at one point leans in to me and asks if I'm on a date. A part of me was thinking, "yes, I brought a date to where I know you work. Do you think I'm stupid?" I explained that no, he just showed up after I had. But afterward this guy (K) kept acting like we were together, telling me he would try to get "us" into another place later. He doesn't really dance that much - just booty shaking kind. But he kept wanting to dance with me. He'd take my hands and just shimmy. We ended up dancing by J and some other girl (who I noted later was with a guy - but more on my ease of mind with that insecurity). He openly told J after J and I danced that while J had some smooth moves he was really checking me out. J did save me once, when a Cha-Cha was playing. K was just shimmying, I was actually doing the Cha-Cha basic step. So J just swooped in and said "you want to Cha At some point K was trying to "get on my list of people I hang out with" (his words). At which point I himmed and hawwed a bit and then excused myself to go to the bathroom. On my way out J caught my attention, motioned me over and we danced. After one he said, "I'll let you get back to your date." Jokingly. At which point I said, "No, you're supposed to save me. I don't know what to do, I'm too nice for my own good." J laughed and said I just have to say No. But he grabbed me for a second dance anyway and by the time I got back to the bar K was gone apparently to the other venue he was talking about.

So as I was sitting alone again, in walks another guy I know from J's class actually. We chatted a bit and danced a couple of songs. This is where I realized I need to stop being so sensitive about how/when J dances with other girls. I got really into dancing with this guy (how bad is it that I don't remember his name?) closed my eyes and just went with it. This guy came in with a girl and I saw him dancing with her later. He danced the same with her as he did with me. It's the nature of latin dancing, and partner dancing that you've got to put your hands on your partner. It's the only way to know where they are and (for the leader) to tell them where to go. I wish I could always keep this in mind (and I wish I could come up with an explanation for hands-y booty dancing).

The bad part of the night
I went to talk to J after that. He said he had to go soon we talked a bit, then he got up to go talk to his boss. Then I see him on the dance floor with another girl. She looked uber-drunk and he was trying to dance with her, but it didn't look to be going well. I didn't really notice that until later and was a little miffed. J comes up after and says he's going to get going. I just looked him in the eye for a second and the following exchange occured:

J: I know what you're thinking.
Me: Really what?
J: No, maybe I don't (laughing, going to walk away)
Me: No, tell me. You can't not tell me.
J: You're thinking, "Is he going to come over?"
Me:Well are you. (Honestly, I wasn't thinking that. I was thinking how kissable he is. And wondering what he'd do if I did kiss him. I should have said that, it would have saved the night.)
J: (pausing, thinking) Well, maybe, I shouldn't. (Look away, thinking) How about the car?
Me: (pause thinking, I kind of thought it would end up that way so) Yeah okay.
J: I'll pick you up on the corner.

So I take my time getting my stuff together. Finish my water. Talk to the guy at the door for a while before going outside. Wait a minute. Decide to move my car over to where he's going to pick me up. Go to cross the street and see J in the window of the club. He's on his cell phone. WTF? I look at him. and he runs out to me. He's sorry, got to stay he says, his boss wants to talk to him. He put his arms around me says soon, how about monday. I can't. I say Wednesday. He says okay. He promises wednesday. I just looked at him. I think he wanted to kiss me, or was going to pacify me. But I didn't. And when he turns to leave he says again promises wednesday at which point I say, At some point Jorge I'm going to stop believing you. He says, I can tell.

I proceed to go to my car at which point the heel on my shoes (my vintage 60's 3-tiered wedge platforms) comes off in the snowy street. I yelled "Shit" at the top of my lungs and turn to pick it up. When this guy on the street starts saying "hey" to me. I say "what?" he says "Hey, hey" and I'm just furiously "what?" "Aren't you the girl who works.{where I work}." Great a customer (a repeat customer, I realize when I look up at him) just heard me yell shit at the top of my lungs in the middle of the city street outside of a salsa club. Just great. I can't even remember what I told him. I think it was more of an "excuse me?" or "huh?" And he walked away. He must have been able to tell that I was pissed off. And I was. I slammed my car door. I squealed out of the space and past the club. I was angry so very angry.

When I got home. I had missed a call on my cell phone. It must not have been on vibrate or wold have felt it. It was J 20 minutes earlier. He hadn't left a message. So I called him back told him I missed the call. He said he was sorry that it wasn't fair to tell me we'd get together and then not and that he'd stop giving me false promises. I was still a little miffed. I was hoping he was reconsidering. I just said, yeah. thanks. and then he said bye.

I ended up curled in a ball thinking...oh god he just ended it. He just gave me the brush off. False promises were all I had to keep me going. That and wishful thinking. I called him back with the intent of asking him if it was really our difficult schedules or was he giving me the brush off. But I chickened out and instead when I got his voice mail I apologized too. I said I was sorry if it sounded like I was mad at him. I wasn't mad I was just disappointed because I had left the club to go with him when I could have stayed to dance, broke my shoe and been aggravated by someone who recognized me from work. And again said that I was sorry and hoped he knew I wasn't mad at him.

I'm hoping that does it. I was so close to texting or calling him again today. I wish I had kissed him. If only I had ended it like that. I wouldn't be scared right now that I've blown my chance. Especially because now I see his phone call as a real apology. I do believe that. I don't think he means to lead me on. He might be a bit of a player, but I don't think he's trying to be cruel or insensitive. It's just ending up that way.

I'm going to give it until tomorrow or Monday and then either call him again or bump into him
at yoga. I know that I've explained myself. It's just that I hope he doesn't jump to the conclusion that I did (although, he's a guy, their brains don't work the same way as my crazy girl brain) and that I don't want to be with him any more. I want him to see the sexy, sexy lingerie I bought. It's pretty hot. But I think this little outburst paves the way for me to say something about my feelings for him. I think it's kind of obvious that I feel more for him. Then I'll carefully stay away from him and let him decide what to do. Who knows when that will be though.

shit...I just realized that this "I will..." and then he doesn't from J has been going on almost since the beginning. What if it was was a brush off? Shit. I'm scared again.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Suspisious minds

J didn't have class tonight.

hmmm....the only other time I've known him to cancel class was when he was student teaching and had to be there for parent teacher conferences. He's not doing that now.
There were no signs announcing an unplanned cancelation either. Which they normally do. He even made it to class last night even though the weather was blizzard-like. (It was a big class too, lots of people figuring they'd wait to go home I think.)

God, even if I do admit my feelings to him at some point. What hope is there? I am afraid to trust him becuase of shit like this.

I don't know if I would really think much of it normally, but it's Valentine's Day. I remember 2 V-Days ago, when the X took off half a day off of work so we would have more time together. So it isn't a stretch of my imagination to think that maybe he'd cancel his class for somebody really special.

Somebody, not me. I don't get called, or texted unless he wants sex.

I know I've got to say something even if he shoots me down, or confirms for me that I'm nothing to him but a piece of ass, at least then I can hate him.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Call off the stalker in me and old posts

I can't believe I did what I just did. So...I want to go back to the club where J works on Fridays. We went for class last friday and I want to go back. A) it was fun. B) it's relaxed and not like a pickup joint C) I'm dying to know if those girls from his other class that were major flirts last week show up again. I want to be that girl. The one who says, look I'm interested in you, I'm so interested I came back to do this again.

So I've been trying to get someone to come with me. Because, those girls have each other it's easy to pick up and go out together. I'm embarassed to go alone. I'm afraid I'll seem desperate/stalker-like.

Nobody I know can/wants to come, they don't dance. Unless I dip into my stash of other guys that want to get in my pants and might take my invite the wrong way (Like L, and . I sent out a funny email yesterday and got a responce from an old college friend of mine I normally only see on birthdays, holiday parties, or weddings for our old college friends. He even drove me to a couple of those weddings. We've never done anything remotely romantic together although he's always made it a point to come out to my b-day (even just in passing to say hi), or meet me for lunch. I on the other hand haven't been out to see his band even once. In a hasty email I ask him if he does Salsa or wanted to learn because I was looking to go to this club but not by myself. It wasn't until later that I realized at those weddings he never danced. He'd sit with the guys and watch the girls dance. But he wrote back and said he'd give it a try! I'm both suprised and not. Because he's a great guy, but I wonder why he'd say yes, when he's not really the dancing type. I'm going to email him back to tell him when I'll meet him there, I'll tell him to invite anyone he wants. Mainly so he's got company.
It's horrible. I can't believe I asked him. The point is for me to get to dance which implies ditching him at the bar. But the idea of him leaving early because he's not having fun and leaving me alone fills me with terror.

What didn't want to resort to was lying that I had a friend coming and then claim that she ditched me. Although I'm almost hoping that my friend does ditch me maybe even before. I just feel so bad. I'm using him. I should have been honest, but I don't have enough guy friends to know if I can tell him I want to go see this guy, I just don't want to go alone. Although, he still might have come with me, that's what stand-up guy he is.

On a different note: I was reading old blog posts of mine from the summer. Because I keep thinking, if only things were like the summer when J called me and we danced. Oh, how our memory will play tricks on us. We met up to dance once after we started sleeping together. And he only called me when he said he would the first week. And with in a week or two of this starting I was thinking - I want more than just sex with him. I can't believe I've let it go more than 6 months. I must have a serious problem.

So why I am going there to see J on Friday? Maybe the place will be closed for a private party. Becuase after that I am playing the avoidance game. If J says one more time that we are going to get together soon, I am going to respond with "I've been hearing that one from you alot lately." And then I want to say something along the lines of "I'm not just here at your convience you know. If you're not careful I might not wait around as long as I have before." Or something like, "I've been hearing that from you alot lately, you know with no follow through, I might begin to think you're not interested anymore." Or "I think you might be taking it for granted that I'll always be waiting here for you." I like the last two better for a casual conversation - maybe the second one, it sounds more flirty, but at the same time kind of pointed.

::sigh:: so much for perspective.

But I did hear about the shooting on the radio. They even said the name of the mall. Which I have shopped in before when I visited my brother. I was glad that I didn't have to freak out and call him because he'd already said he was alright.

Perspective

And then I find out that a shooting took place at my brother's work. At least 4 people died, one was a 15 year old girl.

My brother is fine.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

The Question is...

What do I want ?

Self Loathing Pity Party being over now, I've really got to think this through.

What do I want?

It is fairly clear based on my reaction Friday night that my jealousy is not going away. It's understandable. I have no real commitment from him to make me feel secure and I do tend to think that he'd not be interested in me on a dating level.

It is pretty clear that I need to say something. I just don't know how to put it. I know that this isn't entirely his fault. I should have spoken up long ago and I basically behaved like it's okay to treat me this way.

By "this way" I mean so casually where he can ignore me for days and then just up and say hey lets get it on. He's so hot and cold. On Friday night he was being really nice then Saturday text. Now, nothing.

I was mantra-ing during yoga. Please don't let me see him. Please don't let me see him. But no such luck. He came into the classroom about 5 minutes before we ended. I was on the end right next to the door, and we were in the process of changing positions. I just quick glanced and gave a tiny wave. I don't think he smiled, but I can't be sure. I was trying my best to not look. And after putting my stuff away, he was busy showing off and his back was turned when I left. He parked his car right in front of mine in my apt. lot. I was so tempted to bump it, or kick it's tires when I left.

So what do I want?

Monday, February 12, 2007

This has got to stop

I have spent the whole weekend in tears or on the verge of tears (while at work - doesn't look real great to co-workers or customers if you're sobbing at the desk).

I guess I shouldn't have felt too embarrassed by my actions on Friday night. J was pretty drunk himself. But I really didn't like watching him booty dance with those other girls. But he said that when I was going to tell him that we'd go back to my place together. That made me feel better until later. It was a relatively loud place and he'd have to lean in to say anything to anyone, which made group conversations impossible. When talking with one girl in particular, the who was trying to get his attention, he'd put his hand on her head to get her ear closer to his mouth when he'd talk. I couldn't take it and told him I was leaving. It was too late and he said we get together later in the week. J claimed (when talking to his brother) that he couldn't leave while his students were still there. Sure. I didn't buy it anymore than his brother did.

I did get a text on Saturday from him asking if I was at home, but got no response when I texted back when I'd be at home and that I was going out to dance again that night if he wanted to come with. I also sent a business email. He brought up a SNAFU with the program he's supposed to help me with this spring. It's Monday. I've not heard a single word from him.

Now that he might not be helping me at work in the spring I'm more determined than ever to tell him how I feel. I have about a 1% hope that he'll step up and be willing to give me more than just a booty call. That 1% only comes from remember how he used to be when we first hooked up in the summer. I regret not asking him out then. I regret not saying something to the effect that I wasn't normally like this - casual sex and all that.

I'm also very tempted to run and hide. Just avoid him at all costs. He offered no excuse on Friday as to why he didn't call me when he said he would. Just asked if I was behaving myself and said that we'd get together soon. So I'm not really expecting to get much of an excuse for being ignored for 3 days. His basic class is in the same room right after my yoga class tonight. And I'm supposed to go to his class tomorrow. I just don't want to see him. I don't want to pretend like I'm not totally disappointed, like I'm not feeling completely wretched about myself.

It's dumb. Because I don't even know why he would want to be with me. I don't think that much of myself. Not really. I don't understand why guys would want to dance with me, buy me a drink, ask me out, flirt with me. It shocks me every time it happens. I fully expect him to say, well, you're really only good for this one thing. I don't like you on any other level.

I have these weird contradictions inside of me. On the one hand, I want to disappear, curl up under my covers turn the light out, never speak to anyone, never be seen until I just fade away. On the other hand, a part of me is screaming for attention, yelling at top volume why don't you see me? why don't you value me? I'm worthy, I'm beautiful inside and out. Except that I don't believe that.

J doesn't want me because I'm not worth wanting. Not beyond my ability to be available for him and lie there.

So, I've got to decide. Do I just stop being around him (which is hard beyond belief) and expect that he'll either contact me to get together or forget I exist entirely? or do I pretend to be fine, continue to smile and wave when I see him at the gym and go to his class when I'm not working, show up at the next class dance outing, until I have time with him. The problem is that right now I am so depressed that I don't even want to be with him. I just can't muster the passion that I had for him before thinking this way - that he doesn't give a shit about me. But I don't see when else I'd be able to talk to him. To tell him that I can't do this any more. I don't like feeling this way anymore. I don't like counting on him wanting to come over and then being ignored.

I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. Before I get anymore depressed I have to be done.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Hungover and Feeling like an Idiot

I went out last night.

I had two drinks with no food in my stomach.

I heard girls talking about getting with J.

I felt the need to mark my territory.

I got a little "touchy-feely" on the dance floor.

I feel like shit today.

I feel like hiding until I'm old and withered and no-one recognizes me.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Imaginary conversations

I thought that Superbowl Sunday was going to give me the reason, make it clear why I chose to come here. I got a text from J asking if I wanted to get together. It was what I wanted and what I was complaining about earlier in the week. How I'm so close, yet he doesn't take advantage. And here he was on a random sunday asking to come over. I said yes.

Then, I get another text. Really sorry. His parents dropped by earlier than expected. He'd call me during the week. Right.

He didn't call me when he said he would.

I ran into him at the gym monday and wednesday. I will be seeing him at one of his jobs tonight.

I'm expecting some kind of excuse as to why he didn't. I'm dying to retort with "That's okay really, I gave up that expectaction months ago." But I'm afraid it sounds to bitter. So I'm thinking something more like, "That's okay, I don't really expect you to." Or "I've stopped expecting that you will." I want it to convey the fact that a)it's rude to say that you'll call on a specific day and then not do it and that b)there was a point in time when he did indeed call when he said he would.

I don't understand what has happened. He used to call me. He used to dance with me, talk with me, he kissed me in public once. Now I get nothing. I get "R U home" text messages. Messages that cost me $0.25 to recieve.

My new years resolution was to tell J how I felt. I know it's kind of lame, but I need to do it. Last night while being simultaneously angry that he hadn't called again, glad that he didn't call becuase I was mad at him, and feeling sorry for myself becuase I've let this happen to me I came up with this little speech:

I tricked myself into thinking that I could sleep with you casually and be okay with it. But the truth is that I like you. I have liked you for..., well, since I first met you really and I thought that you maybe liked me at one point. But if I'm really just a convience fuck to you, then I have to call it quits because I don't want to get hurt. Besides, I deserve better than that.


But then I want to mention these things that he used to do. The reason it was so nice being with him over the summer. I hate that he doesn't dance with me anymore. I get maybe half a song, less in class, even though he'll give me an extra little squeeze on my waist or hip. I just don't get it. In the summer we would dance for an hour or more. I don't see how he could suddenly have dance partners coming out of the woodwork. I made the stupid offer to him to help with his basic class. He said thanks. Which was just a nice way of saying no. I think he's got someone else to help. She was in his basic class last semester. She's in the intermediate class now I see her there when I am able to make it. But I also see her coming in for this semester's basic class. Granted I can't be too jealous, she's married. But even so. Over the summer he asked if I would help for the fall. But it didn't work out. Now he doesn't want me.

I don't know. Maybe I'm too accomodating. Maybe it's no fun now that I'm not a challenge. I don't see how he could miss how much I like him.

My little speech...I don't think it would really go over well. I mean. How do you just drop "I have feelings for you" onto somebody who has just been a fuck buddy. And I would love to do it now coming off of the disapointment of him not calling. I mean, if a girl is upset that you didn't call, don't you take that as a sign of something? But then, I am still supposed to work with him in May. At the very least, I want to get him to sign the contract before I tell him I'm done. Then I'd only have to deal with him the one time in May. I could stop going to his class and start going to pilates instead. (yeah, it turns out my gym card not working was a fluke. It's fine and I've been getting in all week.)

Maybe I'm just feeling lonely. The X was IMing me the other day. Asking how I was etc. And I never did write to the XX like I told him I would. It seems dumb to say that maybe I feel lonely, when I couldn't wait to get the XX out of my house. Maybe it's easy to like J because he's not around so much. He has a life of his own. Maybe what makes me so tempting to people like the XX, the X when he wanted me back, and L is what makes J tempting to me.

When I saw him on Monday he was wearing my favorite shirt and glasses. He looked so cute. Smart boy cute. ::sigh::

It would also be hard giving him the speech tomorrow when I see him, because he'd be at work. It seems a little rude to drop that on him at work. Though if he pulls more, I'll only dance with you for 30 seconds of a song, crap. I will say something. Like:

You don't like dancing with me anymore do you? Why do you even bother to ask me then?

Of course he'll say something like, what do you mean. And I'll come back with all kinds of examples. Maybe launch into the stuff about how great the summer was.

I try to imagine him being glad that I brought up my feelings. I try to imagine him asking me out or telling me that he liked me all along too, but thought that I didn't like him. But I know it's just wishful thinking. That boat has sunk.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Day from hell pt 2

Maintenence showed up. But he can't do it now. He'll have to come back at 9. Not good. Finally got a hold of someone at work. 10am is the absolute latest I can be at work ready to go - as in, not punching in, but actually working at 10am, because I'm supposed to be teaching.

Yep. Teaching. Which I technically knew about, but had completely forgotten about. I haven't gone over the content. I haven't made copies of the handouts. I am basically screwed. One of my co-workers said not to stress about it, that she'd take the class if I wasn't here.

Considering I don't know what I'm supposed to teach I'm almost hoping that she will take it, but I know that I'll get in trouble. I've already lost 2 hours of work at this rate. I'm going to have to take half hour lunches all week to make up for it. And quite possibly have to go in early. Of course I could just do something crazy like skip my exercize classes and stay later...but I'm not that self sacrificing. Odd, how they won't pay us overtime, but we HAVE to work 40 hours or it comes out of our personal/vacation time. You think they'd be happy with us getting work done in a shorter amount of time. It means they have to pay us less. But no. All the goodwill I had leaving last week - yep, I ended the week feeling pretty good about myjob - has all gone out my drafty window.

Yeah, I'm convinced now that I've got drafts in more than one. Why did I think a corner apartment was good again? It means more walls exposed to the elements instead of feeding off of the neighbor's heat. Of course I've decided to think about my outragous bill problem like this: This apartment is $110 dollars cheaper in rent than the place that was in the running, but that place had seperate utilities. So as I see it I've got a $110 buffer a month and I'm still right around what I would have been spending there.

Day from hell

God this day is only 2 hours in and it couldn't get worse.

I felt guilty for leaving the heat off...it's pretty freakin' cold here...with the cat at home. I don't want to abandon her back at my parents. Though they keep their house pretty chilly too. So I moved my car and came back to turn it on. Fuck the cost I thought. I'll live with out airconditioning this summer to make up for it.

I wish I hadn't. Because then I was like, oh I've got time. So I scoop out the litter box wash my hands and notice that I forgot to put mascara on. So I go to do that quick and then I'm going to leave. Right? Wrong. As I lean over, my apt keys fall out of my pocket and down the drain. They're sitting there towards the top, but no far enough for my fingers to grab them. I put on some rubber gloves and manage to get my middle finger down there and onto my key chain, but can't get any pressure on it to drag it up. Instead they fall farther.

So I'm thinking, call the maintainance guy. Only my phone is in my car. Run out (with apt unlocked) to get phone. Yeah, I've got my phone, but no key card to get into the building. So I wait ten minutes meanwhile getting frost bite until someone lets me in. Come up, and call. Only after hours maintenance is only for no heat type emergencies. And it's been 20 minutes so no-one has called me back. Nice.

I'm going to get stuck taking a day off work for this shit so I can sit and wait for them. This blows so hard.

Now I'm stuck at home (with the heat going...it's at 72 and I'm still freezing. I hate these units!) waiting for

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Fifth Off:

The gym tried to not let me in today. WTF? I am freaking out that they've finally figured out that I don't work for the college anymore. But my parking worked fine and so did my gym access yesterday. In fact the office they told me to call to work it out (yeah, right, and give them cause to find out I don't work for them anymore?) didn't grant me the access, the gym did when I paid my membership. So it makes no sense to me.

Of course, if they deny me access #1 I can't afford alumni membership. It's way to expensive. #2 It's the whole reason I moved down here to begin with. I will have to hurt someone and badly.

On the other hand it takes care of the "avoiding J" question. If I can't go to class I don't see him. End of story.
 
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