[Insert Snappy Title Here]

Week 3 of the new job is comencing and the real work is starting to approach. Pretty soon I will be left on my own to do my job without the training wheels. Not that my co-workers aren't very helpful, I definitely feel like I can ask them questions. I think it is a testament to the training that I have gotten that I don't feel nearly as lost as I did in my other job. There is not a lack of things to get done and I have at least been told what I should be doing. What I miss most, and perhaps this is what kept me in school so long and attracted me to the idea of editing, are deadlines. Due dates. They keep me focused. Sure I've tried imposing due dates on myself, but that doesn't really do anything for me, I just end up ignoring them.

On another note, the XX finally emailed me with pictures from the wedding we went to. He still wants to visit at Christmas, despite the fact that we haven't really talked about what we're trying to accomplish here.

And I move on Friday! Whoo hoo.

I knew it

Well, I was beginning to doubt it really. The whole ignore-him-he'll-come-running strategy was beginning to take it's toll on me, but I can't lie, it did work.

Yesterday I got back to dance class. This weekend had been so much fun and having an old flame tell me how wonderful and irraplaceble I am helped my ego a little bit. I got there, said hello, and sarted talking to the assistant. I was obviously in a good mood we chatted about my weekend (since I had missed her ballet class) and my new job. J was just talking to other class people and told them to warm up. The class attendance worked out perfectly with there being one less guy, so that J danced with a girl in class. He switches the couples up constantly so I knew I'd get to dance with him at some point. And I did. Then he even used me to demonstrate another move. I had seen Pink Sweat Suit Girl in the gym earlier and I was wondering if she was going to show up. But I realized at some point that I didn't really care if she did or not because it wasn't going to change anything. Well she did show up about five minutes before class and at the end of class J said that though class was over he was going to stay and dance if anyone else wanted to. I stayed and danced with some other guy while J danced with PSS Girl for maybe 20 minutes. Then I took my shoes off, J said he was too tired to keep going. I got ready to leave while he chatted to PSSG in thier native tongues. I think it's becuase she's more comfortable in the language and not really to be rude. Not that it matters, I caught some of it, if not every word, he was just asking her about Thanksgiving. Then right before I left he asked me when I was moving into my apartment. I told him the truth, that I don't know but I was going to call and find out when I found my phone, said bye and walked away.

I wasn't angry or bitter or pissed off like I would have been a week or two ago. I went and had coffee with a friend of mine. Left a message for the land lord to find out when I can move in and went home to watch Heroes. Oh, and I tried calling the XX, but no luck. I am beginning to think that maybe he's sorry he said anything after the wedding.

Originally I was going to give J until Monday to call me or get together with me, but I saw him yesterday and I knew that a Monday get-together wasn't going to happen. And deep down even though he took my number, I kind of thought that he wasn't really going to use it. But he called me. About half an hour ago.

I had taken my dinner break before 5 so that I could call the apartment guy again and find out what's going on. They're almost done it turns out. This week everything will be finished, next week I can sign a lease and get keys! About 10 minutes later my phone rings and it turns out to be J. I had deleted him from my phonebook, but felt bad so I found an old bill and put his number back in with a note "do not call" next to it. In case I was ever tempted. He wanted to get togther, but I'm at work so I can't. I think it's a good thing that I'm not always available, lets him know I have a life.

He did let me know about next semester's advanced dance class which I was so hoping was going to be on Mondays and Wednesdays like this semester's beginning class only later. But it's not, it's going to be on Tuesdays which means I won't always be able to go. I think I can finagle it so that I can make every other one with my current work schedule. He was really nice and says that I'm still welcome to come to the beginning class if I want.

I don't even know where to begin

I don't really know why I thought that this time seeing my XX was going to be different. It never is.

I was really excited to be seeing him and didn't really get nervous until I was coming down the escalator in the airport where he was waiting. We just hugged hello, he took my bag and we went to find his car. He had put together a little picnic in the hotel room for me since I got in so late and we just ate and chatted. Apparently right now is this town's peak season and I had to share a room with the XX because there were no vacancies to be found anywhere. That was fine. I hadn't really made up my mind about behaving myself or not, but I didn't see why we couldn't manage to.

Everything was fine until the next morning when he started kissing me. The whole time I couldn't help but compare him to J. Which is totally unfair, but I couldn't help it.

We had a great time at the wedding. Danced alot and the food was good once I managed to get my point across that I didn't want any meat, even fish. There was a ton of champaigne flowing and we sat at a very fun table. I ended up dancing with this one guy's girlfriend almost as much as with the XX. But it was fun and apparently everyone else had a good time watching us!

Maybe it was the fact that it was a wedding, or that we got a little drunk, but back at the hotel room the XX breaks into a litany of "I don't want to leave you tomorrow." He goes so far as to say that he's been wondering for the past three years (the last time I saw him) if he hadn't made a huge mistake in letting me go, but he doesn't want to go ahead and ask me to marry him right now. [Insert picture of me with huge deer-in-headlight eyes.] He says that he can't imagine anyone else that he could even come close to marrying and that for 4 years he's been trying to find another me and it hasn't worked.

He wants to visit at Christmas, but he never really answered my question about what this all means. Is he looking to do a long distance relationship until one of us can move? I just started a brand new job and I'm supposed to sign an apartment lease next month. If this had come up a month ago I would have said, "fuck it, I'll move, I've got nothing better going for me."

Why is the one guy that I want to be interested in me not at all interested in me? And the guys that I resigned to my past are telling me that I'm too wonderful to get over?

First week almost over

Well, I'm still overwhelmed, but it's getting more exciting. I really haven't done anything other than be trained, but I've bounced ideas off of my boss and I've gotten to know some more people that I'll be working with. All in all I think once I get the hang of things I might really like it here.

I've been trying so hard not to think about J, but it's not working so well. I didn't talk to him on Wednesday when I went to work out even though I saw him there. He didn't seem to see me though. And even though I spoke to him last Wednesday and he took my phone number again almost 2 weeks ago, he's yet to call me. I am sort of hoping to see him Sunday, or at least maybe hear from him over the weekend if he's going to the dance on Sunday, but realisticly, I'm not holding my breath.

I'm still not sure why I even want to hear from after talking to that girl last Friday. She has called me since and we'll probably go dancing at somepoint so we don't feel akward going alone. But I found out that she only broke up with her boyfriend a few months ago. I can't image J would have gone out with her while she had a boyfriend, unless she ment the 3 of them were at the club and left out the boyfriend since he's no longer with her. Hard to say. I don't know her well enough to dig for information even subtley.

I dislike this "make him chase you" test I've got going on. I am fairly sure that I can make it to the second class this Monday. It'll either break what's left in my shriveled heart for him when I see Pink Sweat-Suit Girl come in and stay to dance with him. Or I'll get to talk to him and either feel better about waiting or decide to just give up all together. I'm pretty sure it's going to be shriveled and over by Monday night.

I really shouldn't be thinking about him at all in less than 7 hours I am going to be on flight out east to go with the XX to a wedding. I'm excited to see him since it's been so long and we've stayed on good terms. But at the same time, things tend to heat up when we are around each other and I'm in a delemia as to whether I should let them or not. It has been nearly a month since J and I were together. But if I'm hoping to see him on Sunday...it might not be the best plan to go sleeping with somebody else. On the other hand, I am pretty sure that things with J are over. All the signs are there, I'm just being a knucklehead about admitting that and keeping myself going with false hope. So why not be with the XX. Despite him not being a boyfriend anymore here is somebody I know genuinely cares a great deal for me. Unfortunately, when I think about being with XX, seriously fantasize about it, usually it's always J's name that pops into my head. That can't be a good sign.

The wedding should be fun anyway. If the reception has any dancing at all I know I'll have a good time. A little wine at dinner, a bit of champaigne, maybe a rum and coke, lots and lots of dancing and catching up with my good friend. I just hope that I don't have to sit by myself at a table full of strangers. The XX is in the wedding party, but I had a friend who had a "sweet-heart" table for her and the groom at the reception so the wedding party had a table of thier own with thier dates. I can keep my finger's crossed.

First days

Wow. Do I feel overwhelmed. My training is scheduled down to the hour for the next three weeks. But I have at least 3 packets of information, so many loose leafs, I've been shown at least a dozen things online that I have to remember, and met with as many people in just 2 days.

I managed to go for a run last night after work at the gym. I got there before J's second class let out, but only 10 minutes so I couldn't join it or anything. I was doing a great job of not being somewhere to check on when the class let out and when he left. Until I went to strech of course. I didn't mean to be somewhere he could see me. It was 1/2 an hour after his class let out and he was at the drinking fountain and then went back into the studio room. He saw me, smiled and waved. I did a double take like 'oh, are you here still?' and then I waved back. I was pretty pissed off. He must have been dancing with somebody to still be in the room. (So much for that pulled muscle I guess). I just finished all my stretching and abs and left. I didn't wait to see who else came out of that room or go say hi. I just couldn't do it. I don't want to do it!

He does not want me! When am I going to get that into my thick skull? When three months go by? When I move into my apartment and he still isn't giving me a booty call?

On the plus side I have a plane ticket and I am going away for the weekend. Maybe the XX will want to get it on. That would get my mind off J. I hope that hanging out with the XX will keep my mind off of J. I haven't seen him 3 years so I am sure we are going to have a ton of fun. And this is a person who, depsite being an ex, genuinely cares about me. I need to be in that type of male company for a change.

I just hope I can make it through this work week with out having a nervous breakdown.

Old Friends and (possibly) Good Suprises

I went out for drinks with a friend the other night. We've been friends since high school (about 12 years now) though there was a gap when she and I were living abroad (first her, then me) and we weren't in touch.

She's got an anxiety problem and deals with depression too, so it was nice to have someone to comiserate with. She is able to put my job anxiety in relative perspective which is very nice. While were there I get an "Uknown" on my cell phone. For a split second I thought J, since I deleted him from my phone, but his number should still appear. So I was insanely suprised to hear my X-X. The boyfriend I had when I was living abroad. I have not seen him in 3 years and we only email sporadically when we have big news.

Turns out he's going to be on the East Coast for a wedding and wants to fly me out next weekend to go with him!

It's not like he's in the USA often (ever) so I might actually take him up on the offer. I was going to go two social dances to give me something to do (and maybe run into J). But in an effort to get over him I am seriously thinking of taking the XX up on his offer. We'll see how the work schedule ends up, that is what it will depend on.

And the Rollercoaster Comes Down

I am the biggest stupid fucking moron in the world.

I invited a ton of people out last night to celebrate my last day at work and the beginning of my new job. Despite some telling me they were coming, only 4 people showed up. Some were nice enough to email and say good luck but I can't make it. But mostly I got a bunch of people who I thought were my friends giving me the old, who gives a fuck. Nice. I guess I know who really cares about me now.

I had mentioned to somebody in my dance class that I was going to be going out dancing on Friday and he said that he'd come join me so I had someone to dance with. Fine. No big deal. Except I get there and he wants to put his arm around me, buy me a drink and insinuates himself in between me and another guy I was talking to. This dance class guy totally thought it was a date. That wasn't sooo bad, I did manage to dance with other guys. Secretly I was hoping J would show up sicne I mentioned it to him too, but I knew I was hoping in vain.

What really brought the evening crashing down around my feet was this girl who asked him to dance. She came over afterward because she recognized me. She was in the summer advanced class that J taught. The kicker was when she says to me "J and I still dance together sometimes" and then later when I asked her where else she danced at she listed some off and included "Oh, and J and I went to S____a's once." WTF?? In my mind, I'm thinking, that's what I wanted. I wanted to go dancing with him I just never had the guts to ask. What freakin' annoys me though, is that the girl said that she and boyfriend she took the class with in the summer broke up. So when exactly did she go out with J? And they still dance sometimes?

I know that that could mean anything. She could have been making conversation because it's something we have in common and the last time she danced with him could have been a couple of months ago. I guess I still consider myself to still be sleeping with J even though it's been nearly a month.

On the one hand I want to ask for what I want. On the other, I dont' want to be rejected. But if he doesn't know that I want to dance with him or see him more often, what is going to make him bother?

I was so pissed off. I left and I deleted J's number from my phone. It's kind of petty and he'll never know I did it, but it felt good at the time. But now I want to email him. Studio time has opened up because a class got canceled and I so badly want to ask him if he wants to dance there sometimes. Especially since I will be missing his class with the new job. But then I am being pushy and demanding.

I don't know what to believe anymore. Do I believe him that he doesn't have time for anything and he really doesn't want to be around anyone? Or do I think that he's just a player with a ton of girls he keeps with just enough attention.

I want to give him some time to see if he calls me. But I guess I am terrified that he isn't going to. So why do I want somebody if I have to constantly remind them of my existance? Why am I doing my head in for this guy? Why can't I stop when I know it isn't good for me?

Today I thought I would say to him next time, "Hey, if we're going to be 'friends with benefits' I want the friends part too." I don't want to feel like a warm blow-up doll he brings out when he needs to.

I woke up horriblly depressed and anxious. I could feel my heart beating really hard like I was nervous. The only thing that popped into my head was "I don't want to do this." Why, why did I have to take this job and make everything change?

Last Day

Today is my last day at this job. I didn't get a party. I was supposed to get a card, but nobody knows where it is. I didn't get any gifts (except earlier in the week from my mentor). My jerk of a co-worker who left this summer got a send off from the Dean with gifts. I got ice cream.

Oh well. I'm out of here. I don't like these people, but I would have liked one of those insulted lunchbags with our logo on them. I need one of those. They're useful.

My mentor did take me out to lunch for a yummy portebella sandwich. On the way back he said that one day I'd just magically know what my life was all about. I laughed. Maybe someday, I said. And I thought, "magically" really? It'll just hit me? And what if I don't want it to. Why do I want to be figured out and niched and settled? Yeah the obsessive, scared, anxiety ridden me would be gone and I'd 'get it,' but where's the fun in that? What's the point of figuring it out? I want that epiphany to occur when I breathe out on my death bed. I just want to go, "Oh, so that was it" and expire. No time to think, 'shit I did it wrong' or 'good for me,' just a recognition and nothing. Otherwise what would I be striving for?

Am I being too sensitive, or insensitive?

My life is a fucking roller coaster. Wendesday night you would have thought the world was ending by my emotions. And then last night it just lifted. I still feel like a fucking moron for what I did. But there is nothing I can do about it now.

I don't understand why I couldn't just leave well enough alone. He said on Monday that he has no life. He said on Wednesday that there are all of these people that know him and he doesn't want to hang with them. Why couldn't I just take what he said at face value? The boy is stressed and I think I might be making him feel like he's got to do something with me, or he's got make excuses. I don't think that he really wanted to kiss me on Wednesday. I just need to remind myself that there is nothing I can do about his feelings, he has them or he doesn't.

I've decided to leave off obsessing over it. I'm just done.

I'll give him time and space to give me a call if he wants to. But I'm not making any more effort. I've thought of just casually mentioning that I miss the summer time when I got to dance with him and we saw each other more. But I don't want to be pushy, needy, or demanding. Saying anything would of course require me seeing him to talk to him.

When I move into my new place, maybe things will get better. I'll invite him to the house warming and I'll let him know that he's welcome over even if it's not to have sex. But that's all I can do.

On Wednesday I sat in my car sobbing against my steering wheel while Blue October's song "Into the Ocean" played on the radio.

I'm just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I'd rather swim ashore

Without a life that's sadly stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like 'fourteen miles away'

You're floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be
be

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
The jets, I'm sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow (yeah)
Just to prove I knew how (yeah)
It's midnight's late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
So thought no end my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
into the ocean...end it all

[Zayra]
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion (yeah)
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(In to space)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

At the time I was thinking about running away. Of letting yourself just drown because you don't know what else to do. But I heard it again last night (it came up as a most requested song on one particular radio station) and I had a different idea of the song then. I think it's just letting everything you feel washing over you. Just getting lost in it all. I think sometimes that's the only way to get through it. "Let the rain of what I feel come down." Sometimes the only way to move on is to hit the bottom. I've done that now. Now I'm ready to just leave it. There's really nothing more to do.

Magic 8 Ball, should I....?

I couldn't sleep last night. Big surprise. I spent the better part of two hours crying my eyes out. I just know that I've ruined everything.

Faced with my own idiotacy I wish I could run away. I wish my job was out of state. I wish I hadn't settled on an apartment here. I wish I never had to face J again. I know that he may not have even seen me, but I'll always know.

It's weird. I can't imagine us being a couple. I don't know him well enough to know if we'd work out like that. Personally, I think that I am too needy for him. As much as I don't want to be the type of girl who wraps her life around a guy, I want somebody who thinks about me, is considerate and wants to spend time with me. I thought J was like that when we started in the summer. It has become horribly apparent to me that I have become a walking talking blow-up doll to J. He'll fuck me when he wants to, otherwise he's got no use for me. The horror if it is that I did it to myself.

The only remedy that I can think of is to (gasp! shudder!) talk to him about it if we ever get together again. We don't talk about real heavy stuff. Just work and dance and how horny are you. The question becomes how do I do it? What do I say? I went through a number of options last night (no wonder I couldn't sleep). So, here is what I've come up with:

The soft and emotional approach: I don't want to ruin what we've got going on, and even though I don't think you feel the same way I have to admit that:

a) I have a crush on you and have since I met you
b)I have developed "feelings" for you
c)I am really "into" you beyond just the intense physical attraction
OR
d) I like and respect you as a person beyond the intense physical attraction
(this would eliminate the "I don't think you feel the same way" part of the intro)
I'd like to add in there somewhere too, that I don't generally sleep around. I'm not a slut or a whore. I genuinely want to be with him and am not just trying to get my rocks off.


The slightly more blunt, a little less emotional route: I feel the need to be straight forward and honest with you and I hope you'll do the same
a)Do you really want to keep "this," what ever "this" is, going on, because I get the feeling that you're not as into me as you were this summer? or even more bluntly Are you really busy and distracted with work, or are you losing interest in me?
b)If I get an apartment am I going to see you any more than I do now?
(I'm thinking of pairing a and b with:Maybe I should get off the pill if I'm only going to be seeing you once a month. We can stick to just condoms if that's all we're going to be doing.)
c)How many other girls do you sleep with because you don't seem to be wanting to sleep me as often as you used to? (not necessarily qualified with a because...)
OR
d)Do you even like me, because I get the feeling that you really only want me around for convenient sex when you're horny?

I'm wondering if some kind of combination of more than one approach would be the best. Really my brain is spinning with all of these things that I want to get out, but I think that conversation is way to heavy to be having at this stage. I wonder if I should just establish that he likes me as a person beyond sex or that I'll see him more often and then get to some of the other stuff at a later date.

I don't want to freak him out or make him think I want to be his girlfriend that's not what I'm after. I want to still be able to get with him on occasion, I just want it to be more like it was in the summer when I could tell that he wanted to be with me too. I don't want to feel like I'm just a convenience and not a real person that he's attracted to and wants to be intimate with .

I don't know. Maybe it would just be easier if he never spoke to me again. I never went to another of his classes and we came to a silent, but mutual, decision to just ignore each other. I may not get any answers, but it would be a whole lot easier.

Oh, Lord what have I done? I don't recognize the person I've Become

I disgust myself. I have sunk to the lowest of the low. I am mortified beyond imagining. I want nothing more than for the pavement to open up and swallow me whole so that I don't have to walk around knowing to what depths I have decended. I make myself sick. Literally. I want to throw up so badly because I can't stand what I have become.

What was I thinking? Why did I do it? Why am I such a complete moron when it comes to J? Why is that all of my intelligence, rationality and common sense fly from my brain like scared birds?

It started today. I was trying to come to grips with Pink Sweat Suit Girl, not jumping to conclusions and such. I remembered back in the summer when there was this girl in our class who I figured was flirting with J and I thought he might like her back. I have this impression that he likes ethnic girls. I can't say why. Not that I'm "white" exactly, but I don't consider myself exotic or ethnic looking either. Anyway, just like PSS girl I didn't like Summer Flirt either. But after a couple of weeks she stopped coming all together and J said that he was glad. I think it was because we had too many girls to start which makes the class hard for him to teach, and the extra girls have to sit out more. Anyway, I didn't care why, I was just glad that he didn't care if she didn't come back.

Class was good. J and I danced a bit, my favorite songs from one the CDs I burned for him played, and I didn't have to lead. I even had the guts to invite the assistant (my ballet teacher) about a gather I planned to celebrate my new job. I ran into J on my way out of weights class and asked him to stick around I had more CDs for him. He then tells me he thinks he pulled a groin muscle on Monday and that though it was fine through class the second class made it hurt again. This was a new excuse for me. Usually it's always, I'm too tired. That's fine I had low expectations for today. He's been putting me off for so long I am used to it. But I walked out with him and he said he'd give me a ride to my car. Walking to the car we talked, and it was a bit weird when he asked me how I was getting on, implying, I realized later, how I was getting out with out having sex with him. He said he's got to manage alright he's too tired to do otherwise. I was thinking it, but I wish I had said something like, 'good, then I don't have to be jealous.' But I chickened out. I don't know what makes me not show as much affection as I'd like. Oddly, I've been this way with every non-related male in my life.

So he's driving me to my car and a girl crossing the street suddenly starts waving at him and he says he knows her, pulls over and says hi. She says she was going to stop by to see him, but didn't get there in time (no elaboration on wher 'there' was). Then gets out his phone and asks for her number. I take one look at her, since she's at my window and she's Summer Flirt! What the Fuck?!?!?! She says, call me know so I have your number, and J says, "I'll call you back in a few minutes. Will you still be on campus?" Yeah, she'll be at the library. So he pulls away and explains how he knows her, though I had figured it out already, and oddly that her cousin is one of his student-teacher students. But he can't remember her name for a bit. He talks about how weird it is when people know him. He knows lots of people, but he doesn't want to be around them. Huh? Like some teacher that he had who goes dancing at a place he knows.

He drops me at my car, says thanks for the CDs and goes to hug me. I lean in for the kiss. Damn if I'm not going to get one. So we do that for a bit. But obviously, he told me had a pulled groin so I finish it quickly telling him he'd better take care of himself so that heals. And go to my car.

That's when I get it into my head to see if he goes to park his car and meet up with Summer Flirt girl.

Yep. I have become the kind of person I hate. I wish I did't have to admit it. I wish I had never thought of it. I wish I had left well enough alone. I knew he was going to call her. He said as much right in front of me. But I had to be a stupid bitch and prove it to myself. So I get in my car he drives off and I followed him. Not obviously (I've watched Alias before) but I did. I thought he was this particular car in front of me that passed where J normally parks, so I go up a little farther and turn around to go toward my route home. Only to notice parallel parked on the opposite side of the road. J. On his cell phone. And if I noticed him....it isn't a strech to think that he noticed me.

At this point I know that I have hit rock bottom. I have let a little infatuation spiral to the point where I can't control myself any more. If I never have to look him in the eye and think that I had a stalker moment, that I was that invasive, I'll be okay with it. I hate myself more than I ever have in my entire life for stupid actions. So much for 'I only regret what I don't do.'

I am going cold-turkey as of this moment. If he saw me and thought it was strange and never calls me again, fine so be it. If he didn't that's fine too. I still know. But any and all interactions will have to be initiated by him. I can't be killing myself emotionally over somebody who obviously only thinks of me in terms of sex (per the conversation earlier). I deserve better than that. And J doesn't deserve this much from me. If we do end up 'getting together' soon as he suggested when he let me off at my car, I might have to come clean on my feelings. If we can come to some kind of arrangment so that I don't feel jealous anymore I can stop beating myself up for stupids shit. I can stop loosing my mind and doing things that are not like me.

I can't believe that I could have lost myself so completely in this. I think it's fairly obvious that I have lost the plot all together. I think it is also fairly obvious that he is not into me like he used to be. And with that realization...I think it's a good thing I won't be in his class anymore.

I must have done something good.

Yesterday was great. Who would have thought that my funk would have lifted on a Monday. Just the day before I was crying again on my the phone with my brother because of this job.

I went and put my first rent check in with my application for this apartment that I want. It should only be a day or two before I know when I can sign a lease and start moving in. After that I went to dance class. I was nervous. I had decided to tell J about the apartment and the new job. I think that I really believed that me having the new job and not being on campus working and around all of the time would make a difference. I got to follow and we switched partners at every new song. When I finally get to J the first thing he says is, "I'm exhausted, I was up at 5am this morning." Which is code for, "Not tonight honey, I have a headache." I could have been brought down by this - boo hoo he doesn't want me - but I didn't let it. I just told him that I'd had a really good day and part of that was getting this new apartment. He asked where and I told him (this summer he told me about this building because he had lived there). He kind of laughed and said, that's funny. Nothing else. Then we just focused on me trying to get a particular step down. I was a little unsure for most of class. Funny good? or Funny bad?

But then when I was getting my equipment set up for the next class he smiled at me. It was the best smile. Not like a "hey babe, how you doin'" smile, but a genuine smile you give to somebody when you're glad to see them. It was really nice to see. His eyes look amazing when he smiles.

Class just about knocked me out. I thought I was going to pass out because it was so hot in the room. I used that as an excuse to get more water and sit down to wait for J after it was done. I thought I might lose my good day vibes when I saw Pink Sweat Suit girl (not in exercise clothes) come down the hall and go into the room. But I got a swell of courage when I saw her walk right back out again! I don't really care whether she said I'm not coming round to dance today or he told her that he was too tired to dance, I was just glad that I wasn't waiting in vain. When his students left I went into the dance studio to "ask him a question." I wanted to know about next semester's schedule which he doesn't know yet. We got to talking about how busy he is. He's got so much work to do for student teaching on top of the other jobs he does. So I am reassured that his 'inattention' really is due to stress and being overly busy. He says that with all of the work he's got no life. He basically schedules class around his other work and doesn't give it up because he likes to dance. I got to mention that I was asking because I got a new job. He was genuinely pleased for me and we talked some more. He's gotten a new phone and took my phone number again. We talked about the place I'm moving into. He said it was good that I was not on a floor with a laundry because of the noise. It was a nice 20 minute or so chat and it was soooo nice.

I think that it reassured my fears that he would forget all about me in the month that I won't be able (maybe) to be in class. Though, I am realizing that we are getting into more complicated moves and now is the worste time to have to quit. Oh well. I am feeling better today than I have since I said yes to this new job. Stupid how much my anxiety was wrapped up in J and his reaction to me getting a place and a new job. Oh well, at least I know I'm crazy and with any luck I can keep this encounter in mind when I have doubts in the future.

I might even have to re-think my stance on Pink Sweat Suit Girl. The fact that she left gave me the extra boost to talk with him. I don't want to guess at what their "relationship" might be, but maybe I don't need to hate her so much. I was realizing how many guy friend I have when I was sending a mass e-vite to my new job celebrations. I can see how that might be taken the wrong way by some guy who's interested in me. So I need to calm down and stop jumping to conclusions. Easier said than done, but I'm going to try anyway.

Adulthood here I come.

I decided on an apartment today.

I walked in looked around and said, I'll take it. Before I was waffling on it. The manager kept calling it the "tiny" one. "You don't want to see the big one. You want the tiny one." Now I've seen tiny. This is not tiny. It's not perfect either, but neither were the ones in the other building. This one is an end unit so I have more windows and only one neighbor. The previous occupant moved out of the country and is leaving some of the furniture.

The down sides are - the kitchen is attached to the living room with no real divide and has a small patch of linolium in front of it. It's all carpeted except that bit of linolium and the bathroom. I consider the carpet to be a downside because I can't practice my dance on it. But I think I can work around that by possibly buying and finishing some plywood. I just need to practice my ballet barre or footwork really.

The plus...wireless. A pool for the summer. An end unit so more windows and only one neighbor, but that one is empty right now too (it's bigger and more expensive). It's the same price as the hardwood floors I saw on Friday. It is really light colored so it looks open and airy. But they'll let me paint if I want. The bathroom is the perfect size. I can use one of the extra closets for the cat's litter box. It has a decent lay out too. I am very excited.

The other exciting thing I have going on, I am going to start a mini-business editing student papers and theses. A friend of mine does web design and he's willing to give me a discount and make me a website. I'm going to start with my campus see how I do and then expand. If I even do two or three papers a month I could pay for the wireless and webhosting. Not to mention, I really enjoy that kind of work. There is something about red ink marks all over a manuscript that makes me very happy.

No word yet on how things are going to turn out with J. The weather is beautiful outside and is supposed to stay warm this week. With any luck we'll get together this week before the cold weather sets in. Give it a couple weeks because of my new job and the holidays - and then...I'll have an apartment! Of course, I haven't gotten to talk to him in a week...so I have no idea what is going to happen when I tell him my news. Hopefully I stay busy with these plans though so that even if he doesn't get his head out of his ass and start showing more attention to me I'll have stuff to take my mind off it.

I just hope that this good mood is for real and not just a blip on the radar. I am afraid that my high will come crashing down later when I get to class and J's either not as nice as I want him to be or if I see him stay with Pink Sweat Suit Girl again.

Limbo

Last night I was feeling confused. I went to fill up the car and bought a diet coke and jujufruit, then went home, dyed my hair and watched Battlestar Galactica while drinking my diet coke and candy. I was feeling pretty good. At somepoint while dying my hair (back to it's natural shade of brown to get rid of very brassy hightlights) I remembered my feelings about regret.

I regret the things I haven't done. I regret not getting the apartment on campus that I saw in August despite the price. For some reason I thought that having my parents out of the house would be good enough. Now I see I was wrong and I am mad at myself. I think that living here will be a good thing, especially if I make the effort to get out of the house to go dancing and take other dance classes if I can't take them here. If J comes around more often then great, and if he doesn't he doesn't. There isn't anything I can do about that. I can tell him my feelings and hope it spurs something new and better. Or I can tell him my feelings and he'll reject me. From there either we stay friends and everything is cool, or we have nothing more to do with eachother, or things go on as normal if slightly awkwardly.

I admit, I am afraid to change things. I like big change - moving to Europe was a big change; giving up my summer to camping in the wilderness - that was big change. This new job isn't big enough change. It doesn't take me away to new and exciting things. It just screws up the few good things I do have going on right now. I'd still be crying if I had gotten the job that called me right after this one did (that one just wanted a phone interview), but I wouldn't be trying to find loop-holes and trying to hang on to things here. I'd make a clean break and start over. I wonder if that wouldn't have been a better idea. I just never thought I'd get a job so close to home. I thought that I'd have to move out of state for sure. Our economy is one of the worst in the nation right now, everyone is having to take part-time work or move. I suppose I should be counting my lucky stars that I even have a job.

I woke up feeling bad again. I woke up early because daylight savings time now has sunlight streaming through my window so early. But I forced myself up and finished of my candy and diet coke with more Battlestar Galactica and Heroes (I've been taping my shows for 2 weeks because I've been so busy). Which made me feel a little better.

I decided to pull out my Tarot again. I didn't ask it about the apartment, just J and the job.

To the question of is this new job a mistake I got:

The Six of Pentacles Reversed is supposed to mean wealth and greed. But if I had pulled it right side up it would have meant success in business. I am not sure what this means. Yes I've been greedy and this is a mistake? Or is the job going to make me greed? Perhaps it is only a mistake if I went for the job out of greed? Which I didn't do, so No it isn't a mistake? I would have liked this better if I had pulled it normal and not reversed.

And to the question of J, I got:

The Hermit Reversed-means immaturity. Which I am not sure means that I am immature in my dealings with or attitude toward J. Or if J is the one that is immature. I lean toward the latter because I shuffled and pulled the card for myself. If it had been normal the Hermit would have meant withdrawal from the world, meditation. I'm glad that I didn't get that. I think that would have told me that I need time away from him to think. I don't want time away from him. But being told that I'm acting immaturely. That I can handle. I can work on that.

I still feel fairly limbo-ed here not having started my job, waiting to see what it will be like, if I can still make it to my classes, wondering if it will be easier or harder after the new year. I put so many resumes out thinking that a new job would get me out of limbo. But I've made it worse.

I was thinking on my way to see an apartment that I am being immature. I am expecting J to view me almost like a girlfriend. I want to know if he's seeing other girls. I am jealous of them. But the whole time I've known him and even since we've been sleeping together I have been going out with other guys. I've made out with other guys. I've fooled around with one. Who the fuck am I to be so hypocritical? He's never once asked me if I go out with anyone else, but I've been tempted on a number of occasions to ask him. I'm not his girlfriend. We don't even date. I have no claims on him. But he has no claims on me either. I can't have it both ways. I shouldn't be getting jealous because J is dancing with some other girl when I am going out with G tonight. When early in the summer I had to say no to J because I had already made plans with L. That time I was fine with it. I had other things to do and J had fall in where I could fit him. Now, I am trying to fit other things around him. I really, really have to stop doing that. He's just a boy.

The apartment was nice and homey, but way to expensive for the amount of driving I would have to do. I liked one of the ones I saw yesterday, but I am holding out for one of the ones I am seeing tomorrow. The one yesterday had hard floors through out, which I like...I can dance on that, but it was on the first floor. These ones tomorrow are carpet throughout, but has cheap wireless. That's why I want it, and it has a parking lot.

I've just decided to not be mad at myself for not taking this apartment in the summer. Yes, I regret it, but I'm going to forgive myself. I'll consider it saving. I saved some money and now I can afford the apartment with the wireless connection and parking. That's a good way of looking at it.
I think the diet coke and candy is the secret to feeling better about life.

Moments of Clarity

It is weird. Despite being in this horrible funk, this odd depression wich I haven't had this bad in years, there are brief moments where I realize how crazy I am being over this stuff.

It hit me last night during pilates. I got my coveted spot in front of the mirror off to the side and behind the instructor. We were doing leg lifts facing the mirror (usually we're on our front or backs or hands and knees)and I thought, "what the fuck? I am good looking and attractive. Why am I doing my head in thinking I'm not desirable enough?" Really, if someone isn't attracted to me, isn't that their problem, not mine. I can't change the way I am physically put together. (Well, I'm certainly not paying for or undergoing major surgery to it anyway). But the hard part is that I think he is attracted to me.

On the way home I got horribly optomistic. I was imagining him helping me move my bed into my new place. Fantasizing about bribing him with sexual favors, offering to buy him dinner in exchange for the help and having a pseudo-date.

I was doing fine until I got home and my mom mentioned something about the new job and I burst out crying. And damn her husband for not realizing that as I'm sitting on the bed bawling and talking to my mom, that he should probably give us some privacy. But no, he stuck around and just sat their like a lump setting his alarm clock. I'm going to look at 2 apartments today, 1 tomorrow and one Monday.

I woke up and thought. Maybe today. I even got a blanket and put it in my car since the weather is getting chilly. But I've gotten no email from J. I thought since he'd asked to get together last Friday, but I missed his email, that maybe this Friday would work for him too. I wanted to email him pretty badly. But I didn't. I stuck to my guns. I'll talk to him at class on Monday if it kills me. I am wondering if he thinks I'm blowing him off? Do guys even think like that? I missed his email. I wasn't at work. I emailed him back and told him as much. But it's been a week, I've seen him twice since then, and he's not said a single thing about it. That's why I wonder if he's moved to someone else. But then I think about how it turned south when he started student teaching. That is a full time job on top of the jobs he actually gets paid for. Stress can affect these things right? That's the excuse the X gave me when he broke up with me nearly a year ago.

I wish I knew what to do. I wish I had a crystal ball that would tell me what to do.

It sucks that I am so upset all of the time. It takes so little to start me crying. I worry that I'm not going to do well in my new job. I am afraid that the things I like to do will go by the wayside because of the schedule. I worry that if I don't leave my mother's house I'll be miserable for being there even when she's not. I'll have to do a ton of commuting to work, to the gym and home again. But am I wasting money if I decide to move out? Does time equal money? Am I moving out really to be close to things or to be close to J, thinking that he'll be available more often if we have a place to be alone? What if I move and he breaks it off with me? Will I just get more depressed? Supposedly moving and losing a job are among the most stressful things one can go through. I wonder if changing jobs and moving qualify too?

I looked up how to become a ballroom dance instructor today. One of the professionals on Dancing with the Stars said he was an electrition until he answered an add for instructors. He had no experience dancing but they taught him how to dance and how to teach at the same time. He's been doing for 5 years now. I found a "college" in San Fran that does it. It's expensive though. I am going to keep looking around here. That is how desperate I have become to find what the hell I want to do with my life. Sometimes I wonder why I have it. At this point in time, I'd just really like to go to sleep so I can stop feeling all of this anxiety over every small aspect of my life.

Jealousy

I was checking my mother's hotmail (she often doesn't know how to do something on email and asks that I do it for her) and saw a link to an article regarding jealousy.

It talked about the underlying reasons behind feeling jealousy - abandonment issues mainly. And then it talked about feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. Which struck me as particularly relevant in my case. I wonder why J doesn't want to be with me as much or as often as I want to be with him. I wonder what I'm doing wrong, and what must be wrong with me to causing the reaction in him. The article suggested figuring out what you don't like about yourself and then how you can change that image of yourself.

I wish I could pin-point what the problem is really. My life is in no worse a place than it was when I was having fun this summer. It is in fact moving in better directions. So why am I a wreck with jealousy?

Is it really even jealousy? Do I really want to keep J all to myself? I don't even really have him. Or am I envious? Envious of what? the other girls he dances with? The other places he spends his time that I don't know about? Arghhh. I sound horrible.

This. This is what I don't like about myself. I liked myself better when I did everything for me with only a thought for me and not who I was going to possibly run into if I did things.

Training Day

Today I went to some technical training for my new job. During some of the down time (or the time I wasn't really paying attention) I wrote this down:

10:45am (an hour and a half in):

This is so exciting. Being here and learning about what I'm going to be doing. I have so many ideas already.

12:45 pm (3 and a half hours in; just before lunch; after a group exercise):

But already I see people that are going to be difficult to work with. I guess you can't get away from annoying people or coworkers no matter where you work. My only concern is that some of them are very white bread. When "foreign" is a user group and they are joking about the homeless. I'm not sure that I've done the right thing. This might be a bad idea. I haven't started yet though. I'm still hopeful.

Just to explain a little: I currently work on an Urban campus. I have been here for going on 3 years. There are things I don't like about it. I wouldn't call myself an "urban" person. We have our share of homeless people who want money and dig through the trash outside of the buildings and go into the buildings to keep warm until some student complains. We also have our share of international students who may not have the best command of the English language, and we have some who would probably correct my grammar. So now that I have gotten a job out in the suburbs, it is a bit of a culture shock. I tried so hard to get them to call the user group internationals or something other than "foreigners" as if they're aliens or "others." These are our users! I wanted to scream, treat them with more respect. And having seen the homeless up close for even this short time, I think it is nothing to joke about. Ha Ha the homeless...this is an affluent suburb, I get that, but why does that have to make you callous to the financial plight of others?

And the one annoying soon to be co-worker, made that list, because she said that she honestly didn't understand what was going on, when she was told that her computer wouldn't print and she'd have to use a different one. Granted I know slightly older people aren't tech savvy. But what is so hard to understand about "that computer does not print"? And then she started asking me why her computer wasn't hooked up to the printer. How many times was I introduced as the new person who wasn't starting for another couple of weeks? At least 3. I don't know, maybe she's deaf too.

The drive from there to my weights class took just over half an hour. I think my classes will still be shot to hell for the rest of this semester. But I can still use the gym, and I might still run into J on occasion. I wish he weren't so busy with grades this week I need to get this new job thing off my chest and figure out where I stand. I saw that girl from yesterday after my weights class tonight. It ruined an otherwise good day. And I had been very good with my mantra which has expanded to "I'm done. I am just done with you." I don't even know who she is, but I hate her. I look at every woman and wonder why they have nice round little asses, when mine is small, flat and saggy. And why do they have tiny waists with nice round big breasts, but mine are so tiny. Seriously, I lost a bunch of weight and I'm still a pear shape with smaller breasts than hips (and I mean hips not my chunky thighs). I swear about 1/2 the weight I lost came from my boobs. I'm not really sure why J settled for having sex with me in the first place. I'm sure he could get a much better looking girl than me. Like Pink Sweat-suit Girl (though she was in yellow today). If he's not already fucking her, I'm sure it's just a matter of time.