Well my gianormous project is about 1/2 an hour away from completion. I'm giving myself a breather before I do my final edits. I actually got into it this morning when my mentor told me to email the Dean after I submit it and make sure that he knows I did all the work at M's request. That way I get the credit for having done it if it goes well, and M takes the heat for passing it off if it doesn't.
I love that man. In all the years that I've been a young working person or in school I have had someone take an interest in helping build my career. The great thing is that it's not just me, though I know that he likes me as a person, but he's been on the job 41 years and feels like he's in a good position to help people who are just starting thier careers.
I am off to look at an apartment tomorrow. It's the fourth one in two weeks. It's not a one bedroom, but it's bigger than a studio. It's right next to a girl I work with and get along with and a good neighborhood, by a museum, a park, and a farmers market. My co-worker is doing a month-to-month so if she'll do the same for me I don't have to feel guilty if I find a job far far away. I can even bring my kitty cat. If it's not horrible inside I'll be able to move in soon. She's just going to put in new carpet. If I time it just right, I can get the bed out and my old bed back into my room before my mother gets back from vacation. I can't imagine that it'll be worse than some of the one's I've seen for more expensive. I've seen my co-worker's place, which is a studio. It was small, it wasn't real modern either, but it had lots of windows so it was light. I've seen some that were small, dark and dingy. I just hope that I'm not hugely disapointed. The kind of place I would like to live in I can't afford so I've got to go with good-enough-to-get-by for now. I've gotten my hopes up about a couple of places that the people made sound fantastic, but they were dingy and aweful. One was so musty it affected my allergies.
That is still 2 days away. I wish I made the appointment for tomorrow!
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Mayor of Moody Town
So, after last Thursday I calmed down a bit. I don't have to like this person, but I have to work here for awhile. I've decided to help the interns as much as I'm needed to. If it becomes ridiculous where I'm their acting supervisor then I will go higher than me and ask for a clarification of duties in the politist, most non-accusitory way possible.
I've been doing alot of job searching mostly yesterday as a procrastination technique because I don't want to finish a project that must be done before coming in on Monday morning. Notice how I'm still not doing it? I'll get it done. I might stay up all night Wednesday, but it'll be done. There is something about finding job postings that I think I might be qualified for, or that I might enjoy doing, that lightens my spirit. I can't explain it really. I must go into day-dream mode and just the idea of being out of this job makes me happy.
On the other hand, my dance classes start up in 2 weeks. If I get a job elsewhere I have to say good-bye to those. I'm hoping to stick it out until the New Year. There are some cool things coming up in the fall.
The X sent me an email yesterday. He said this girl had shown him her high school yearbooks and he'd seen me in them did I know her. I knew the name, but not who she was. I think he must have gone out with her. Either that or he's got a close friend that knows her. How else would he have seen her yearbooks? That's something you keep at your house. Apparently he wanted me to know he's dating again. Nice. I keep reminding myself that I don't hate him, I want him to be happy. But, really, I didn't keep him posted on my love life in a round about manner. *sigh* Immaturity, another good reason to not be with him any more.
I've been doing alot of job searching mostly yesterday as a procrastination technique because I don't want to finish a project that must be done before coming in on Monday morning. Notice how I'm still not doing it? I'll get it done. I might stay up all night Wednesday, but it'll be done. There is something about finding job postings that I think I might be qualified for, or that I might enjoy doing, that lightens my spirit. I can't explain it really. I must go into day-dream mode and just the idea of being out of this job makes me happy.
On the other hand, my dance classes start up in 2 weeks. If I get a job elsewhere I have to say good-bye to those. I'm hoping to stick it out until the New Year. There are some cool things coming up in the fall.
The X sent me an email yesterday. He said this girl had shown him her high school yearbooks and he'd seen me in them did I know her. I knew the name, but not who she was. I think he must have gone out with her. Either that or he's got a close friend that knows her. How else would he have seen her yearbooks? That's something you keep at your house. Apparently he wanted me to know he's dating again. Nice. I keep reminding myself that I don't hate him, I want him to be happy. But, really, I didn't keep him posted on my love life in a round about manner. *sigh* Immaturity, another good reason to not be with him any more.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
No one said there'd be days like this
For two years while finishing my graduate degree I was in intern. It paid ok for part time and included tuition, I even got good health benefits. The position was dependant on my being in school and in my particular program, so when I graduated I had to vacate. I was lucky to have a mentor where I work and he got me another job, and from there a promotion--the postion I've got now.
Since then I've had one of my other co-workers (she used to be my direct supervisor as an intern) treat me like I'm still a lowly intern and dump me with her work under the guise of "giving me more experience." When I was hired I was trained well I had a good supervisor and a month after I got here, she retired. All the interns that came after me were trained under this other woman, D. Well, you can't really call it training. D doesn't do our job, she doesn't know what it is we do and yet she hovered over them as they "shadowed" her and made them go to a "Service Acadamy" that was meant for undergraduate student assistant positions. It taught them nothing about their job which as soon as it got busy she left them with no idea of how to function in their new position.
So this time around now that I'm a superior to the interns I volunteered to help train them. I figured I could save them the confusion and frustration I've seen others go through when they got D's version of (non)training. I was told by D that by all means take the lead in their training. At this point the resumes of potentials had not been read. But I put together some materials, made an agenda, ordered lunch for the day. Finally resumes are read, the field narrowed and interviews begun none of which I was invited to paricipate in. In respect of her position of their supervisor I let D proof my training materials to make sure that these are the procedures she wants followed (knowing full well she doesn't know procedure for their job, but whatever). She gives them back to me (drafts of course) covered in food smears and not a single constructive word. The very points that I asked her to consider were ignored. Again, because she doesn't have a clue what the interns do.
So, I am told that I am training the newbies. I am even told that we'll have a conference room with laptops because she didn't want to use an instruction lab in case it was booked (we have a scheduling program and I knew our lab was open and wanted to use it). I start thier training on Wednesday with a comprehensive tour and go up to the conference room only to find D waiting there. She proceeded to sit next to me and interupt the entire time. She would spend 20 minutes or more at a time prattling on about things that are not thier responsibility. If they want to find out about these things in the future fine, but don't waste their training time, my time on it. And to top it off, there were no laptops. I ask where they are and she asks me, in front of the newbies, "didn't you call tech to request them?" Umm no. You told me you reserved the room and laptops, someone else told me we already had the laptops arranged, why would I have called about them? So we went into the lab, which, lo-and-behold! was open.
At that point she actually left after giving an inane little powerpoint presentation. And I actually was able to give them real information that they are going to need when they do their jobs.
I volunteered to do the scheduling for the interns. Normal one intern would be chosen to do it, but the job would fall to a new person and that seemed kind of harsh when it needs to be done with in a few days of thier starting. It would have been fine, but one of the new people kept changing their other commitments forcing me to change the schedule. I finally went to D and said that perhaps this person needed to be set straight now about the kind of commitment this internship requires. To which she responded, "No, you're their team leader." Huh? What? When did this happen? Let me go back over my contract and see if I see this anywhere. Since when does taking the lead in their training automatically translate to you are now leading them all the time? And if I'm part of this "team" and supposedly a leader why was I not included on the selection process? Did I help narrow the resume pool? No. Did I get to sit in on the interviews? No. So what the fuck! I understood that I was being given the opportunity to train the new guys because D didn't want to. This was confirmed by my other coleague and mentor, M. Who point blank told me that I was only given that duty because D is lazy. But now, she's asking me to be their supervisor, but I get neither the title not the authority that comes with it. She tells me to have them fill out the right forms, but in the "supervisor" section of the form it's her name, not mine. She even came to me today and says, "I have this on my desk, just so you know it exists." It being a manual for supervisors of student workers. Great, thanks for offering to let me look at it, since you obviously want me to do your job for you. Thanks for shoving it under my nose reminding me that I'm not really thier supervisor, I just get to do all the crap work for it.
This is my first experience with a "real world" job. I understand that some people encounter this behavior and probably expect it to be done to new hires and the inexperienced. But it grinds me. I realize she's a colleague and was my superior at one point. But I hate her with a passion. She thinks she's being sweet and nice giving me more "experience" as if I'm stupid when she's really just a transparent bitch who thinks that everyone around her is an idiot and that she's the only one who knows what's going on. Everytime she feels like regaling us with some pointless story noone cares nor knows about she takes on this conspiratorial affectation in her voice and dimeaner as if we are great buddies. But when it's something that actually pertains to our areas of expertice she becomes haughty and snobbish and talks as if she's the only person in the room with any kind of knowledge, experience, or common sense.
The phones went out for half a day on Monday. All she could comment on was how it's just like Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dummer. "You got Tweedle Dee up in here, and who knows what Tweedle Dum is up to." What the fuck does that have to do with broken phones? Are you calling the phone company stupid? Are you telling me that you've seen the repair guy and he's not doing his job? Were there two of them? I wanted to scream "What the fuck are you saying? You make no sense?" Seriously, I'd like her to try to fix a phone. And then she complains because they fixed the phone without ever coming out to see it. Hmmm...maybe the line was messed up, maybe it was glitch, but what ever the problem it was fixed. The inernet isn't working do you need the webmaster to sit at your computer to figure it out? No. He can do that at his own end.
Arggg...every time she opens her mouth I want to punch her in the teeth. Oh and then there was the lunch after training when, right in front of me as I'm looking around for a second sandwich, she took the last veggie sub. She's not veggie. "Well you can take the meat off another one." Ummm...no actually I can't and no I shouldn't have to. Get your cheeseburger scarfing, snotty nosed, chapped lipped face out of my site. And then to have the nerve to talk in a quiet voice about how I'm being difficult because I don't want to touch a peice of ham which is wrapped around some salami and cheese in order to eat a peice of bread with some slimy lettuce on it.
Quitting and running away seems like such a good idea everytime I hear her voice.
But all I keep thinking about is my stupid ass step-father thinking I couldn't hear him the last time I complained about her at home. "She's got to learn to deal with people. There are going to be people she doesn't get along with whereever she goes. It's a convoluted reason for looking for another job." Yeah, because I'm moronic and I haven't been working for more than a decade and I don't realize how to deal with people. I've only ever been in customer service/instruction related work. Trust me I'm the poster child for a calm demeaner. Even when my co-worker went crazy behind the desk and tried to shave a girl's head, I remained calm and delt with it. So don't tell me I need to learn. I'm not 15 at my very first job at McD's.
Arrgghhhhh...I wish it were time to go home. I'm so tired. But instead I'm going to go look at an apartment, then go eat with L. He better be civil about my food and/or body or I'm gonna rip him a new one. I swear he's going to see the uber-bitch from hell come out. Maybe I shouldn't have agreed to go?
Since then I've had one of my other co-workers (she used to be my direct supervisor as an intern) treat me like I'm still a lowly intern and dump me with her work under the guise of "giving me more experience." When I was hired I was trained well I had a good supervisor and a month after I got here, she retired. All the interns that came after me were trained under this other woman, D. Well, you can't really call it training. D doesn't do our job, she doesn't know what it is we do and yet she hovered over them as they "shadowed" her and made them go to a "Service Acadamy" that was meant for undergraduate student assistant positions. It taught them nothing about their job which as soon as it got busy she left them with no idea of how to function in their new position.
So this time around now that I'm a superior to the interns I volunteered to help train them. I figured I could save them the confusion and frustration I've seen others go through when they got D's version of (non)training. I was told by D that by all means take the lead in their training. At this point the resumes of potentials had not been read. But I put together some materials, made an agenda, ordered lunch for the day. Finally resumes are read, the field narrowed and interviews begun none of which I was invited to paricipate in. In respect of her position of their supervisor I let D proof my training materials to make sure that these are the procedures she wants followed (knowing full well she doesn't know procedure for their job, but whatever). She gives them back to me (drafts of course) covered in food smears and not a single constructive word. The very points that I asked her to consider were ignored. Again, because she doesn't have a clue what the interns do.
So, I am told that I am training the newbies. I am even told that we'll have a conference room with laptops because she didn't want to use an instruction lab in case it was booked (we have a scheduling program and I knew our lab was open and wanted to use it). I start thier training on Wednesday with a comprehensive tour and go up to the conference room only to find D waiting there. She proceeded to sit next to me and interupt the entire time. She would spend 20 minutes or more at a time prattling on about things that are not thier responsibility. If they want to find out about these things in the future fine, but don't waste their training time, my time on it. And to top it off, there were no laptops. I ask where they are and she asks me, in front of the newbies, "didn't you call tech to request them?" Umm no. You told me you reserved the room and laptops, someone else told me we already had the laptops arranged, why would I have called about them? So we went into the lab, which, lo-and-behold! was open.
At that point she actually left after giving an inane little powerpoint presentation. And I actually was able to give them real information that they are going to need when they do their jobs.
I volunteered to do the scheduling for the interns. Normal one intern would be chosen to do it, but the job would fall to a new person and that seemed kind of harsh when it needs to be done with in a few days of thier starting. It would have been fine, but one of the new people kept changing their other commitments forcing me to change the schedule. I finally went to D and said that perhaps this person needed to be set straight now about the kind of commitment this internship requires. To which she responded, "No, you're their team leader." Huh? What? When did this happen? Let me go back over my contract and see if I see this anywhere. Since when does taking the lead in their training automatically translate to you are now leading them all the time? And if I'm part of this "team" and supposedly a leader why was I not included on the selection process? Did I help narrow the resume pool? No. Did I get to sit in on the interviews? No. So what the fuck! I understood that I was being given the opportunity to train the new guys because D didn't want to. This was confirmed by my other coleague and mentor, M. Who point blank told me that I was only given that duty because D is lazy. But now, she's asking me to be their supervisor, but I get neither the title not the authority that comes with it. She tells me to have them fill out the right forms, but in the "supervisor" section of the form it's her name, not mine. She even came to me today and says, "I have this on my desk, just so you know it exists." It being a manual for supervisors of student workers. Great, thanks for offering to let me look at it, since you obviously want me to do your job for you. Thanks for shoving it under my nose reminding me that I'm not really thier supervisor, I just get to do all the crap work for it.
This is my first experience with a "real world" job. I understand that some people encounter this behavior and probably expect it to be done to new hires and the inexperienced. But it grinds me. I realize she's a colleague and was my superior at one point. But I hate her with a passion. She thinks she's being sweet and nice giving me more "experience" as if I'm stupid when she's really just a transparent bitch who thinks that everyone around her is an idiot and that she's the only one who knows what's going on. Everytime she feels like regaling us with some pointless story noone cares nor knows about she takes on this conspiratorial affectation in her voice and dimeaner as if we are great buddies. But when it's something that actually pertains to our areas of expertice she becomes haughty and snobbish and talks as if she's the only person in the room with any kind of knowledge, experience, or common sense.
The phones went out for half a day on Monday. All she could comment on was how it's just like Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dummer. "You got Tweedle Dee up in here, and who knows what Tweedle Dum is up to." What the fuck does that have to do with broken phones? Are you calling the phone company stupid? Are you telling me that you've seen the repair guy and he's not doing his job? Were there two of them? I wanted to scream "What the fuck are you saying? You make no sense?" Seriously, I'd like her to try to fix a phone. And then she complains because they fixed the phone without ever coming out to see it. Hmmm...maybe the line was messed up, maybe it was glitch, but what ever the problem it was fixed. The inernet isn't working do you need the webmaster to sit at your computer to figure it out? No. He can do that at his own end.
Arggg...every time she opens her mouth I want to punch her in the teeth. Oh and then there was the lunch after training when, right in front of me as I'm looking around for a second sandwich, she took the last veggie sub. She's not veggie. "Well you can take the meat off another one." Ummm...no actually I can't and no I shouldn't have to. Get your cheeseburger scarfing, snotty nosed, chapped lipped face out of my site. And then to have the nerve to talk in a quiet voice about how I'm being difficult because I don't want to touch a peice of ham which is wrapped around some salami and cheese in order to eat a peice of bread with some slimy lettuce on it.
Quitting and running away seems like such a good idea everytime I hear her voice.
But all I keep thinking about is my stupid ass step-father thinking I couldn't hear him the last time I complained about her at home. "She's got to learn to deal with people. There are going to be people she doesn't get along with whereever she goes. It's a convoluted reason for looking for another job." Yeah, because I'm moronic and I haven't been working for more than a decade and I don't realize how to deal with people. I've only ever been in customer service/instruction related work. Trust me I'm the poster child for a calm demeaner. Even when my co-worker went crazy behind the desk and tried to shave a girl's head, I remained calm and delt with it. So don't tell me I need to learn. I'm not 15 at my very first job at McD's.
Arrgghhhhh...I wish it were time to go home. I'm so tired. But instead I'm going to go look at an apartment, then go eat with L. He better be civil about my food and/or body or I'm gonna rip him a new one. I swear he's going to see the uber-bitch from hell come out. Maybe I shouldn't have agreed to go?
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Or Not?
So hypothetically:
You meet a friend at a bar (or wherever) to see a band play. You mention that you're kind of tired and might leave before they finish. Your friend says "yeah, I got lots of work to do at home, I'll leave when you do." So about 2/3 through you both get in your seperate cars and leave.
A few days later you're talking to your friend and s/he says "oh yeah, I forgot to get their manager's number to see if I can pass it on to this other bar I know and went back. I really like the song they were playing so I sat with these other friends ad stayed for the rest of the show. I'm going to do my work tommorow."
How upset would you be? Personally I'd be hurt. I can actually see a few of my friends doing something like this. Infact I have a friend who organized a whole road-trip to see a band (my favorite and one that I introduced her to) with a car full of other people and didn't invite me. But in this particular instance, I can kind of understand a friend not calling you up and saying oh by the way I came back if you want to too.
Well, I was lounging with J (he did in fact come over last night afterwork...it was sooooo nice not to be in a car!!) and I asked how his long ass drive was after the dance on Sunday. Turns out he didn't go. He called his parents and said he'd see them on the weekend, after he remembered he forgot to get an instructor's contact info from inside the dance, went back and stayed the rest of the time (about another hour). I was a little hurt. At first I was very hurt mostly because I was dissapointed that he didn't dance more with me. But his class starts up again in a couple of weeks, and I'll get to dance with him there. Also, he's looking into yet another job, another dance instructor position, and he asked if I'd go help him at the interview. It would have been cool to do, but I have other plans, and thinking on it later, I thought, if he doesn't get the job for whatever reason I'd feel really bad. I don't need that kind of pressure. It was nice to be asked though.
You meet a friend at a bar (or wherever) to see a band play. You mention that you're kind of tired and might leave before they finish. Your friend says "yeah, I got lots of work to do at home, I'll leave when you do." So about 2/3 through you both get in your seperate cars and leave.
A few days later you're talking to your friend and s/he says "oh yeah, I forgot to get their manager's number to see if I can pass it on to this other bar I know and went back. I really like the song they were playing so I sat with these other friends ad stayed for the rest of the show. I'm going to do my work tommorow."
How upset would you be? Personally I'd be hurt. I can actually see a few of my friends doing something like this. Infact I have a friend who organized a whole road-trip to see a band (my favorite and one that I introduced her to) with a car full of other people and didn't invite me. But in this particular instance, I can kind of understand a friend not calling you up and saying oh by the way I came back if you want to too.
Well, I was lounging with J (he did in fact come over last night afterwork...it was sooooo nice not to be in a car!!) and I asked how his long ass drive was after the dance on Sunday. Turns out he didn't go. He called his parents and said he'd see them on the weekend, after he remembered he forgot to get an instructor's contact info from inside the dance, went back and stayed the rest of the time (about another hour). I was a little hurt. At first I was very hurt mostly because I was dissapointed that he didn't dance more with me. But his class starts up again in a couple of weeks, and I'll get to dance with him there. Also, he's looking into yet another job, another dance instructor position, and he asked if I'd go help him at the interview. It would have been cool to do, but I have other plans, and thinking on it later, I thought, if he doesn't get the job for whatever reason I'd feel really bad. I don't need that kind of pressure. It was nice to be asked though.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
I have to just trust him
At least when yesterday when J said "maybe tomorrow?" he meant it. And he really is coming over. So...so much for thinking it was weirding him out.
It helps that I had a back-up plan for what I was going to do after work today instead of counting on him. I've got to keep reminding myself of that.
I am still keeping part of it. I told him I'd meet him after I work out. I'm not going to sacrifice that.
It helps that I had a back-up plan for what I was going to do after work today instead of counting on him. I've got to keep reminding myself of that.
I am still keeping part of it. I told him I'd meet him after I work out. I'm not going to sacrifice that.
Over reaction, over analyzation and trust issues
So I went home and got alot of sleep after battling with carpenter ants when I got home (perhaps it was a good thing that J didn't come over.)
Before I ever started doing anything with J more than one person told me that he was going to end up a "womanizer" based solely on his heritage. I'm sorry, but his heritage is pretty damn close to mine. None of my brothers cheat on their wives/girlfriends neither do my other male relatives. That's one of the reasons I stopped talking to my friends or anyone about what I'm up to. Or I lie and say we went for coffee or something. But none-the-less it's poisoned my thinking. It's not even as if these people know J personally.
It's not like he hasn't cancelled plans before. I can remember once and I think I was fine with it. I don't remember what I did instead (I remember there was a torential down pour, because I was standing under an awning when I called him in an attempt not to get washed away) I probably just went home and watched tv. But a month later when he goes and cancels on me or I see him talking to another girl, my jealous side comes out. Well, not out, I'd never actually act jealous, I just seethe on the inside. I've never been this way before so I don't really understand it. All I can figure is that the lack of "commitment" or definition, because I've never not trusted a boyfriend even when girls were making idiots of themselves right in front of me and the boyfriend. Like I said before, last month when we met at the dance, the fact that we talked little and he seemed to know some people there and danced with a bunch of other girls, some more than once, didn't bother. I was having a great time myself which may have had something to do with it. That and I knew we'd be going off together afterward.
When I first met J, I had a crush on him. I wanted so badly for him to ask for my number, I wanted to go out with him. But then that never materialized and I accepted the fact that since I was so very attracted to him, and I was single, that I might as well just enjoy myself. Maybe, deep down I thought it would develop into something else. We have the dancing thing in common. How hard would it be to go out to a club have a couple of drinks and dance. I'd even understand if we didn't solely dance with each other the whole night. The closest we've come are these social dances he's come to twice (but there was not much socializing between us) and once when we worked out before the BSS.
My fevered brain wonders if he didn't notice how L was monopolizing me. I actually tried to get out of a conversation with L by saying, oh I see a friend of mine (J) sitting by himself, I should go say hi. But L comes back with,dance with me I'm leaving in a minute. He did leave right after, and J got up and asked somone else to dance too. But even so. I thought it was a bit rude (of L). I keep hoping it's that he feels akward coming to my parent's housse just so we can have sex. But, on sunday before the dance he called (I missed it and wasn't able to get ahold him) and asked if he could change at my place.
I am so tempted to just ask him out. I tried once it ended with him coming to the one social dance. I just get stuck with the whole idea of if he wanted to go out he'd ask me.
It sucks because right now my other choice is L. Who as far as I can see is very much like a boyfriend I had 5 years ago. Uber-confident, out going, likes to talk alot and tell stories, but only marginally interested in mine, likes to correct people, takes an undo interest in my "health" (the last one was exersize, with L it's my food/size). It's really kind of weird and scary.
I think right now I have too much time on my hands. I work 9-5, but w/o the exercize classes going I don't have alot to occupy myself except going home and watching tv or playing video games (I'm about 1/2 way through Prince of Persia: Sands of Time, and it's only taken me 2 weeks! - I like games, but I'm terrible at them). I need to get off my butt and work on some other projects at home. I am going to look at apts. this week so with any luck starting next week I'll be spending my time packing! I'd like to get back to the place that I was at this spring, when I was happy with myself iwith going out when the opportunity presented itself and not worrying so damn much.
It also just occured to me that every significant male (not family) in my life boyfriends, lovers etc, have been teachers or studying to be. I wonder if that says something about me.
Before I ever started doing anything with J more than one person told me that he was going to end up a "womanizer" based solely on his heritage. I'm sorry, but his heritage is pretty damn close to mine. None of my brothers cheat on their wives/girlfriends neither do my other male relatives. That's one of the reasons I stopped talking to my friends or anyone about what I'm up to. Or I lie and say we went for coffee or something. But none-the-less it's poisoned my thinking. It's not even as if these people know J personally.
It's not like he hasn't cancelled plans before. I can remember once and I think I was fine with it. I don't remember what I did instead (I remember there was a torential down pour, because I was standing under an awning when I called him in an attempt not to get washed away) I probably just went home and watched tv. But a month later when he goes and cancels on me or I see him talking to another girl, my jealous side comes out. Well, not out, I'd never actually act jealous, I just seethe on the inside. I've never been this way before so I don't really understand it. All I can figure is that the lack of "commitment" or definition, because I've never not trusted a boyfriend even when girls were making idiots of themselves right in front of me and the boyfriend. Like I said before, last month when we met at the dance, the fact that we talked little and he seemed to know some people there and danced with a bunch of other girls, some more than once, didn't bother. I was having a great time myself which may have had something to do with it. That and I knew we'd be going off together afterward.
When I first met J, I had a crush on him. I wanted so badly for him to ask for my number, I wanted to go out with him. But then that never materialized and I accepted the fact that since I was so very attracted to him, and I was single, that I might as well just enjoy myself. Maybe, deep down I thought it would develop into something else. We have the dancing thing in common. How hard would it be to go out to a club have a couple of drinks and dance. I'd even understand if we didn't solely dance with each other the whole night. The closest we've come are these social dances he's come to twice (but there was not much socializing between us) and once when we worked out before the BSS.
My fevered brain wonders if he didn't notice how L was monopolizing me. I actually tried to get out of a conversation with L by saying, oh I see a friend of mine (J) sitting by himself, I should go say hi. But L comes back with,dance with me I'm leaving in a minute. He did leave right after, and J got up and asked somone else to dance too. But even so. I thought it was a bit rude (of L). I keep hoping it's that he feels akward coming to my parent's housse just so we can have sex. But, on sunday before the dance he called (I missed it and wasn't able to get ahold him) and asked if he could change at my place.
I am so tempted to just ask him out. I tried once it ended with him coming to the one social dance. I just get stuck with the whole idea of if he wanted to go out he'd ask me.
It sucks because right now my other choice is L. Who as far as I can see is very much like a boyfriend I had 5 years ago. Uber-confident, out going, likes to talk alot and tell stories, but only marginally interested in mine, likes to correct people, takes an undo interest in my "health" (the last one was exersize, with L it's my food/size). It's really kind of weird and scary.
I think right now I have too much time on my hands. I work 9-5, but w/o the exercize classes going I don't have alot to occupy myself except going home and watching tv or playing video games (I'm about 1/2 way through Prince of Persia: Sands of Time, and it's only taken me 2 weeks! - I like games, but I'm terrible at them). I need to get off my butt and work on some other projects at home. I am going to look at apts. this week so with any luck starting next week I'll be spending my time packing! I'd like to get back to the place that I was at this spring, when I was happy with myself iwith going out when the opportunity presented itself and not worrying so damn much.
It also just occured to me that every significant male (not family) in my life boyfriends, lovers etc, have been teachers or studying to be. I wonder if that says something about me.
Monday, August 21, 2006
So mad I'm about to cry
(oh wait, make that did cry)
Last week J said that we'd get together after work tonight. I didn't see him all week, and called him yesterday about a social dance. He was there. He danced with me once and said a few "how's it going" type words. L talked to me alot, but my mind was on J who danced with a bunch of girls, some more than once. Last time I wasn't at all jealous. Mostly because I knew that when we were done dancing we'd leave together. This time we just left at the same time, but not really together, though he walked me out. He said he had a long drive to pick something up for his parents. And he said he'd call me when he was done with work today.
I knew, in my heart of hearts of that he was going to cancel. Maybe I shouldn't have felt that way, because the universe listened and he did just that. I got a call less than 15 minutes ago. He says his other job called him in, maybe tomorrow. This is so frustrating. I have no reason not to trust him (other than the fact that he's boning me without dating me) and no reason to trust him.
I'm beginning to wonder if I should break it off. I don't want to for a number of reasons. A) good sex doesn't come around all that often. It might be sporadic with J, but at least it's there, B) I would feel weird then going to his dance classes C) I'd feel compelled to be honest and tell him that I like him too much which would just embarrass me. It's one of those things where i'd rather have a little than nothing. Part of me tells me that I should not be so emotionally involved with him. That it would all be okay if I could stop having real feelings for J. But do I want to be the kind of person who can turn off thier feelings. I'm annoyed with myself, because when I started this a few months ago I was fine w/ just having sex with him. I didn't feel like I was being used because I was doing what I want. If I saw him fine, if I didn't I was okay with that too. Now, I don't feel that free ness about it. I want him all the time and I feel crappy when he does stuff like this.
To make things worse I sucked last night. My dancing was so off. I couldn't find/keep the beat. I was getting confused with lead signals and doing the wrong things. I felt horrible and awkward. I was surrounded by these gorgeous women who knew what they were doing, dancing so beautifully and making it seem so effortless. I just felt like a gianormous uncoordinated clod who had no business being on the dance floor much less thinking she could dance.
I don't know, maybe I should just buy a vibrator and chalk up the dough for dance lessons at a real dance studio and abandon the gym and J all together.
I feel like such an idiot. I moved a bigger bed into my room, I bought a new bedframe, I even cleaned the house thinking he'd really come over, I called him to invite him to dance and I might as well not have been there and now I'm crying at work about it.
I am so all over the place with this situation. I don't know that we really have enough in common to even be able to go out and depend on more than just sex to keep us together. But then I wonder if I'm being snobbish. I'm older and (I think) I've done more. In my brain I'm thinking, I've got multiple degrees, I went to a great college for my undergrad and I lived abroad.
But really, that's just evidence of me not knowing what the hell to do with my life and always running away from places I don't like. And I have to remind myself that J lived in another country, he's working on his second degree, and he knows what he's doing with his life. He's working 2-3 jobs to put himself through school which makes me feel akward, because for 4 years of undergrad my parents paid my way, 1 year of grad school, and one year of "finding myself" at a community college I paid for, and the other 2 years I had a full scholarship. I've only worked to have spending money, because I also don't live on my own and pay for real expenses. That and the fact that I did the whole of my undergrad at a university and J started out at a community college and transfered over to save money are the only real "differences" if you're measuring our worth in those types of things. And why am I comparing all this stuff anyway? I worry that he'll like me less if he sees the big house I live in with my parents.
I'm actually beginning to think that he doesn't want to come to my house. He would have made an effort if he did. I always come back to that theory. If a guy is really that interested he'll make the effort. Some times it seems like J only has interest in having sex with me and then he'll do something really sweet.
Maybe my head is in the sand, but I keep hoping that with the beginning of the fall term right around the corner he's getting much busier. My work certainly has picked up, but at least mine is 9-5, and no weekends.
I hate complicated things. I was driving home feeling miserable for myself last night, and I thought, how nice it would be to quit my job, move somewhere else and get a job in a bookstore or a library just shelving books and telling people where the fiction section is. It sounds so nice and simple. The pay would be crap, and I'd have to live in a box, but it would be easy.
L and I had a couple of interesting conversations lately. 1) he gave me his timeline for when he can move out of the state. 2) We had a "there's someone for everyone" conversation. It was interesting because I had recently told him that I was looking to move away eventually and because I don't belive that there is that one special person for everyone. I wasn't able to explain why to him very well. But I wonder if while he wants to be friends now that he might be looking into the future and wondering if I'm girlfriend material. I wish J would do that.
Edited to add:
I feel stupid for wearing my pretty underwear and pushup bra! Such a waste.
Last week J said that we'd get together after work tonight. I didn't see him all week, and called him yesterday about a social dance. He was there. He danced with me once and said a few "how's it going" type words. L talked to me alot, but my mind was on J who danced with a bunch of girls, some more than once. Last time I wasn't at all jealous. Mostly because I knew that when we were done dancing we'd leave together. This time we just left at the same time, but not really together, though he walked me out. He said he had a long drive to pick something up for his parents. And he said he'd call me when he was done with work today.
I knew, in my heart of hearts of that he was going to cancel. Maybe I shouldn't have felt that way, because the universe listened and he did just that. I got a call less than 15 minutes ago. He says his other job called him in, maybe tomorrow. This is so frustrating. I have no reason not to trust him (other than the fact that he's boning me without dating me) and no reason to trust him.
I'm beginning to wonder if I should break it off. I don't want to for a number of reasons. A) good sex doesn't come around all that often. It might be sporadic with J, but at least it's there, B) I would feel weird then going to his dance classes C) I'd feel compelled to be honest and tell him that I like him too much which would just embarrass me. It's one of those things where i'd rather have a little than nothing. Part of me tells me that I should not be so emotionally involved with him. That it would all be okay if I could stop having real feelings for J. But do I want to be the kind of person who can turn off thier feelings. I'm annoyed with myself, because when I started this a few months ago I was fine w/ just having sex with him. I didn't feel like I was being used because I was doing what I want. If I saw him fine, if I didn't I was okay with that too. Now, I don't feel that free ness about it. I want him all the time and I feel crappy when he does stuff like this.
To make things worse I sucked last night. My dancing was so off. I couldn't find/keep the beat. I was getting confused with lead signals and doing the wrong things. I felt horrible and awkward. I was surrounded by these gorgeous women who knew what they were doing, dancing so beautifully and making it seem so effortless. I just felt like a gianormous uncoordinated clod who had no business being on the dance floor much less thinking she could dance.
I don't know, maybe I should just buy a vibrator and chalk up the dough for dance lessons at a real dance studio and abandon the gym and J all together.
I feel like such an idiot. I moved a bigger bed into my room, I bought a new bedframe, I even cleaned the house thinking he'd really come over, I called him to invite him to dance and I might as well not have been there and now I'm crying at work about it.
I am so all over the place with this situation. I don't know that we really have enough in common to even be able to go out and depend on more than just sex to keep us together. But then I wonder if I'm being snobbish. I'm older and (I think) I've done more. In my brain I'm thinking, I've got multiple degrees, I went to a great college for my undergrad and I lived abroad.
But really, that's just evidence of me not knowing what the hell to do with my life and always running away from places I don't like. And I have to remind myself that J lived in another country, he's working on his second degree, and he knows what he's doing with his life. He's working 2-3 jobs to put himself through school which makes me feel akward, because for 4 years of undergrad my parents paid my way, 1 year of grad school, and one year of "finding myself" at a community college I paid for, and the other 2 years I had a full scholarship. I've only worked to have spending money, because I also don't live on my own and pay for real expenses. That and the fact that I did the whole of my undergrad at a university and J started out at a community college and transfered over to save money are the only real "differences" if you're measuring our worth in those types of things. And why am I comparing all this stuff anyway? I worry that he'll like me less if he sees the big house I live in with my parents.
I'm actually beginning to think that he doesn't want to come to my house. He would have made an effort if he did. I always come back to that theory. If a guy is really that interested he'll make the effort. Some times it seems like J only has interest in having sex with me and then he'll do something really sweet.
Maybe my head is in the sand, but I keep hoping that with the beginning of the fall term right around the corner he's getting much busier. My work certainly has picked up, but at least mine is 9-5, and no weekends.
I hate complicated things. I was driving home feeling miserable for myself last night, and I thought, how nice it would be to quit my job, move somewhere else and get a job in a bookstore or a library just shelving books and telling people where the fiction section is. It sounds so nice and simple. The pay would be crap, and I'd have to live in a box, but it would be easy.
L and I had a couple of interesting conversations lately. 1) he gave me his timeline for when he can move out of the state. 2) We had a "there's someone for everyone" conversation. It was interesting because I had recently told him that I was looking to move away eventually and because I don't belive that there is that one special person for everyone. I wasn't able to explain why to him very well. But I wonder if while he wants to be friends now that he might be looking into the future and wondering if I'm girlfriend material. I wish J would do that.
Edited to add:
I feel stupid for wearing my pretty underwear and pushup bra! Such a waste.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
I amuse myself too easily
So, I'm at work and I start cracking up over the stupidest thing I did today, but I can't help laughing it's so silly.
Having gotten only 3 hours of sleep I was trying get up this morning and final decided to launch myself off the bed to get going. So I swing my feet in the air giving myself momentum only remember when come down, that my bed is about 1/2 as tall now. Needless to say I about fell over myself and almost knocked into my dresser. It was similar to that moment when you're walking down stairs in the dark and you think that there is one more step, but really you're at the bottom already so you pick up your foot only to have it smash down on the floor alot earlier than you were expecting.
Jarring, but funny as hell to my sleep deprived brain 8 hours later.
Having gotten only 3 hours of sleep I was trying get up this morning and final decided to launch myself off the bed to get going. So I swing my feet in the air giving myself momentum only remember when come down, that my bed is about 1/2 as tall now. Needless to say I about fell over myself and almost knocked into my dresser. It was similar to that moment when you're walking down stairs in the dark and you think that there is one more step, but really you're at the bottom already so you pick up your foot only to have it smash down on the floor alot earlier than you were expecting.
Jarring, but funny as hell to my sleep deprived brain 8 hours later.
Akward Much?
Huge staff meet where the X was at. We did the smile-nod "hi" that you give people in another department who you know you're supposed to know, but don't know well enough to talk to for any length of time and you're not even sure you know their name.
Wow...we've come from going out and being fabulously happy, to being in a miserable relationship, to being miserably broken-up, to him wanting me back, to him not speaking to me.
I always knew he was on the immature side, but this is kind of ridiculous.
The staff meeting was insanely hard to get through, I had this insane idea to stay up all night last night in an effort to get my sleep schedule on track. That lasted til about 3 am. And I woke up at 6:30 to be at work. Like I say...insane idea. I did manage to swap out my single four poster bed from my room with the double in the "guest room" (really it's storage). That took a good 3 hours. I have never had to take apart a bed before or put one together, I had to do both twice. Take apart the four poster, take apart the double, move them into other rooms, and reassemble. Okay, I didn't actual reassemble the double frame. The thing is at least 30 years old and is missing a few bolts making the bed tip to one side (which is why it's not the guest bed anymore). So I just put the four poster back together and left the double w/ the box spring on the floor. I was actually really proud of myself. Once I figured out which way the nuts turned to loosen I was all good. Moving the mattresses and box springs were the hardest parts.
I had told my mother when I move out I would be taking that bed anyway so I don't feel too weird moving it early (although, she may not be so keen on not having a bed in my room when I leave--at least I know I can move it back!). But she mentioned I'd have to buy a new bedframe if I wanted one. I do. The bed is too low with out it. She actually told me to go to Art Van furniture and it would be about $20. Yeah, maybe in the 60's when she last bought a bed. I haven't been over to an actual store yet, but the sale price on thier's is $80. At Value City it's still $40 and that's with out a middle bar, that itself costs $15.
Why do I care really? Well...I was at the gym and J came by while I was on the eliptical machine. I haven't seen or heard from him in a week. The saturday he thought he could come over came and went without a word. I did see him as I was coming up the stairs. He was talking to some girl who was belaying for someone on the rockwall (it was guy I noticed later). I ignored him. I almost didn't notice him, really, 'cuz I was trying to get my music to the right song and my head phones untangled. I proceded to ignore him while I warmed up. I know I shouldn't be so petty. I don't think it's going to turn him off I act like I like him.
Anyway about 10 minutes in he comes over and asks how I am. He came up behind me and scared me so I was a little startled and had no answer. He said he had to run (huh? but you had time chat up the rock climber?), but "Monday, after work, your place" he says as he walks away. And I'm left kind of dazed with a what-just-happened-look plastered on my face, still trying to get my heart back under my rib cage from where it lept out only moments before.
At first I was a little pissed. But then I figured what the hell. He's coming over that's all I really wanted anyway. My plan was to work out and go home and go to sleep since I'd had an early morning. I had actually told L that I couldn't go running with him that afternoon because I wanted a short workout and sleep. Instead I went grocery shopping vegged on Law & Order and a couple of popsicles (yummy, fruity, sweet and puts my mind in really bad places) when I decided I'm going to move the double bed into my room so we've got a nice place to be on monday and then I'll finish a sewing project I've been putting off (stupid zippers) which should have taken me to when I needed to get ready for work in the morning. Hence the bright idea to just not sleep. Yeah, the sewing project didn't get worked on, instead I tried out the nice double bed.
It's a little on the soft side, but after a back seat it's going to be like the Ritz on monday.
Wow...we've come from going out and being fabulously happy, to being in a miserable relationship, to being miserably broken-up, to him wanting me back, to him not speaking to me.
I always knew he was on the immature side, but this is kind of ridiculous.
The staff meeting was insanely hard to get through, I had this insane idea to stay up all night last night in an effort to get my sleep schedule on track. That lasted til about 3 am. And I woke up at 6:30 to be at work. Like I say...insane idea. I did manage to swap out my single four poster bed from my room with the double in the "guest room" (really it's storage). That took a good 3 hours. I have never had to take apart a bed before or put one together, I had to do both twice. Take apart the four poster, take apart the double, move them into other rooms, and reassemble. Okay, I didn't actual reassemble the double frame. The thing is at least 30 years old and is missing a few bolts making the bed tip to one side (which is why it's not the guest bed anymore). So I just put the four poster back together and left the double w/ the box spring on the floor. I was actually really proud of myself. Once I figured out which way the nuts turned to loosen I was all good. Moving the mattresses and box springs were the hardest parts.
I had told my mother when I move out I would be taking that bed anyway so I don't feel too weird moving it early (although, she may not be so keen on not having a bed in my room when I leave--at least I know I can move it back!). But she mentioned I'd have to buy a new bedframe if I wanted one. I do. The bed is too low with out it. She actually told me to go to Art Van furniture and it would be about $20. Yeah, maybe in the 60's when she last bought a bed. I haven't been over to an actual store yet, but the sale price on thier's is $80. At Value City it's still $40 and that's with out a middle bar, that itself costs $15.
Why do I care really? Well...I was at the gym and J came by while I was on the eliptical machine. I haven't seen or heard from him in a week. The saturday he thought he could come over came and went without a word. I did see him as I was coming up the stairs. He was talking to some girl who was belaying for someone on the rockwall (it was guy I noticed later). I ignored him. I almost didn't notice him, really, 'cuz I was trying to get my music to the right song and my head phones untangled. I proceded to ignore him while I warmed up. I know I shouldn't be so petty. I don't think it's going to turn him off I act like I like him.
Anyway about 10 minutes in he comes over and asks how I am. He came up behind me and scared me so I was a little startled and had no answer. He said he had to run (huh? but you had time chat up the rock climber?), but "Monday, after work, your place" he says as he walks away. And I'm left kind of dazed with a what-just-happened-look plastered on my face, still trying to get my heart back under my rib cage from where it lept out only moments before.
At first I was a little pissed. But then I figured what the hell. He's coming over that's all I really wanted anyway. My plan was to work out and go home and go to sleep since I'd had an early morning. I had actually told L that I couldn't go running with him that afternoon because I wanted a short workout and sleep. Instead I went grocery shopping vegged on Law & Order and a couple of popsicles (yummy, fruity, sweet and puts my mind in really bad places) when I decided I'm going to move the double bed into my room so we've got a nice place to be on monday and then I'll finish a sewing project I've been putting off (stupid zippers) which should have taken me to when I needed to get ready for work in the morning. Hence the bright idea to just not sleep. Yeah, the sewing project didn't get worked on, instead I tried out the nice double bed.
It's a little on the soft side, but after a back seat it's going to be like the Ritz on monday.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Out to Lunch
Was supposed to go have coffee with L today, it turned into an hour and a half lunch. I only took $5 because I thought it was coffee, and ended up only eating fries and a diet soda. I could have said that was all I had and he probably would have picked up the rest, he did take care of my tip, but then he probably would have wanted a massage to even it out.
L has a habit of telling me that I'm too small. I'm too small. I'm a tiny person. I'm short and I exercize, and, yeah I'm a little obsessive about my weight, but not on the under-weight scale. I've been holding a normal weight for my height for 4 months now (as opposed to years of being overweight). Having been overweight, and with it being a struggle to maintain (since what I really want to do is binge on way more un-healthy foods than just fries) it's really annoying to hear him say that I could stand to be bigger or have "more junk in my trunk" (his words). Because my ass is fine. Genetically speaking my ass is always going to be wider and not rounder, if he's looking for that kind of ass he needs to find someone of different ethnicity.
Being a vegetarian I should be used to people being unduly conserned over my nutrition. But I think that his consern isn't stemming from the fact that it was just french fries, so much as it wasn't much food. I'm sorry, but I got full. Stop telling me I need to get fatter. I don't. The spiteful part of me wants to work extra hard to drop another 5 pounds and see what he says then. It just goes to show that you'll never be perfect for everyone. Just yourself.
He also brought up the fact that I don't call him. Which is true. I don't initiate hanging out with him. I let him ask me to hang out. In my world if a guy likes you and wants to go out with you he does the work and calls. L himself said that if he had a daughter he would tell the girl not to persue boys, to let them do it. Which means he subscribes to the same policy. This should make me feel better. It means he's not pursuing me. Its not a big deal to call a guy friend and say hey lets get dinner. So he says the next time we hang out it has to be because I called him. Hmm...controlling much? Really, I get where he's coming from. I would resent a friendship where I put in all the effort too.
I don't know. I'm beginning to wonder if I really like him enough to bother. He's a little on the arrogant side, he doesn't let me finish what I was saying in a conversation, and it makes me feel uncomfortable when he flirts with me one second and critisizes my weight/shape/size the next. I feel like I shouldn't turn my nose up at the prospect of having one more friend to hang out with, but on the other hand, shouldn't I value quality over quantity?
L has a habit of telling me that I'm too small. I'm too small. I'm a tiny person. I'm short and I exercize, and, yeah I'm a little obsessive about my weight, but not on the under-weight scale. I've been holding a normal weight for my height for 4 months now (as opposed to years of being overweight). Having been overweight, and with it being a struggle to maintain (since what I really want to do is binge on way more un-healthy foods than just fries) it's really annoying to hear him say that I could stand to be bigger or have "more junk in my trunk" (his words). Because my ass is fine. Genetically speaking my ass is always going to be wider and not rounder, if he's looking for that kind of ass he needs to find someone of different ethnicity.
Being a vegetarian I should be used to people being unduly conserned over my nutrition. But I think that his consern isn't stemming from the fact that it was just french fries, so much as it wasn't much food. I'm sorry, but I got full. Stop telling me I need to get fatter. I don't. The spiteful part of me wants to work extra hard to drop another 5 pounds and see what he says then. It just goes to show that you'll never be perfect for everyone. Just yourself.
He also brought up the fact that I don't call him. Which is true. I don't initiate hanging out with him. I let him ask me to hang out. In my world if a guy likes you and wants to go out with you he does the work and calls. L himself said that if he had a daughter he would tell the girl not to persue boys, to let them do it. Which means he subscribes to the same policy. This should make me feel better. It means he's not pursuing me. Its not a big deal to call a guy friend and say hey lets get dinner. So he says the next time we hang out it has to be because I called him. Hmm...controlling much? Really, I get where he's coming from. I would resent a friendship where I put in all the effort too.
I don't know. I'm beginning to wonder if I really like him enough to bother. He's a little on the arrogant side, he doesn't let me finish what I was saying in a conversation, and it makes me feel uncomfortable when he flirts with me one second and critisizes my weight/shape/size the next. I feel like I shouldn't turn my nose up at the prospect of having one more friend to hang out with, but on the other hand, shouldn't I value quality over quantity?
Regarding L...
(I figured I 'd put this here for everyone instead of buried in the comments section, but there are some responces by me if you left one.)
I know that "he's obviously gay" is a bit of an over reach. And is just an overreaction to the fact that he's not trying to jump my bones. The baser parts of my brain (and the vain ones) just keep saying "but how do you know he likes you if he doesn't show it physically?" On the otherhand I remember the first time we went out I had this weird feeling just by his actions, certain comments he's made about homophobia, and the now cuddle fixation.
So rather than just react with the childish foot stamp and tantrum I'm going to try to disect what bothers me about L.
He says he's not religious so I don't think that's his reason for abstaining. He's had bad relationships in the past and as recently as 6 months ago. So I can imagine that's why we're in the just friends realm. I am fine with that. I'm not even so attracted to him that I want him to try to jump me. I'd end up saying no anyway. One sexual partner is enough for me. Besides which I like J and if I don't want him sleeping with someone else why would I do it? (It's the whole golden rule thing: do unto others as you would have them do unto you.)
What bugs me about L is the mixed messages. On the one hand he'll freak me and dry hump on a dance floor; he'll tell me that I turn him on so much, he'll tell me that I'm beautiful, that I'm hot, that I'm attractive and he's attracted to me; he wants back massages and he wants to cuddle on his couch. But he doesn't hold my hand in public. He's never even kissed me on the cheek, much less the lips. If he doesn't want to sleep with me, but he's attracted to me why not even kissing? And if he's really so deep into this "I'm not dating right now" thing of his, why tell me he's attracted to me and be even this physical? That's just mean and sending me the wrong signals. I am still under the assumption that we are not dating. I can date and not have sex with someone, but still be intimate with hugs, kissing, and cuddling. But I don't cuddle with guy friends of mine. Maybe we're just on different wave lengths when it comes to appropriate touching.
Thinking back on the party we were at where all the super-flirtation happened I am wondering if it wasn't more of "marking his territory" action than a display of true feelings. A) he'd been drinking a little, but not so much that he was drunk; B) the friend L brought is a real player and I saw him go off with two different girls that nigt; C) he commented on how all his lesbian friends would try to get into my pants if I wasn't careful; D) he used the word "mine" in reference to me on more than one occasion. All of this leads me to believe that even though he may not be ready to date me he didn't want anyone else hooking up with me either.
It's weird because I know that if I did bother telling my real life friends this shit they'd think L was wonderful and J a dick head. At least J is upfront about what he wants; L is so schitzophrenic about it that I actually think the truth is closer to being the other way around.
I know that "he's obviously gay" is a bit of an over reach. And is just an overreaction to the fact that he's not trying to jump my bones. The baser parts of my brain (and the vain ones) just keep saying "but how do you know he likes you if he doesn't show it physically?" On the otherhand I remember the first time we went out I had this weird feeling just by his actions, certain comments he's made about homophobia, and the now cuddle fixation.
So rather than just react with the childish foot stamp and tantrum I'm going to try to disect what bothers me about L.
He says he's not religious so I don't think that's his reason for abstaining. He's had bad relationships in the past and as recently as 6 months ago. So I can imagine that's why we're in the just friends realm. I am fine with that. I'm not even so attracted to him that I want him to try to jump me. I'd end up saying no anyway. One sexual partner is enough for me. Besides which I like J and if I don't want him sleeping with someone else why would I do it? (It's the whole golden rule thing: do unto others as you would have them do unto you.)
What bugs me about L is the mixed messages. On the one hand he'll freak me and dry hump on a dance floor; he'll tell me that I turn him on so much, he'll tell me that I'm beautiful, that I'm hot, that I'm attractive and he's attracted to me; he wants back massages and he wants to cuddle on his couch. But he doesn't hold my hand in public. He's never even kissed me on the cheek, much less the lips. If he doesn't want to sleep with me, but he's attracted to me why not even kissing? And if he's really so deep into this "I'm not dating right now" thing of his, why tell me he's attracted to me and be even this physical? That's just mean and sending me the wrong signals. I am still under the assumption that we are not dating. I can date and not have sex with someone, but still be intimate with hugs, kissing, and cuddling. But I don't cuddle with guy friends of mine. Maybe we're just on different wave lengths when it comes to appropriate touching.
Thinking back on the party we were at where all the super-flirtation happened I am wondering if it wasn't more of "marking his territory" action than a display of true feelings. A) he'd been drinking a little, but not so much that he was drunk; B) the friend L brought is a real player and I saw him go off with two different girls that nigt; C) he commented on how all his lesbian friends would try to get into my pants if I wasn't careful; D) he used the word "mine" in reference to me on more than one occasion. All of this leads me to believe that even though he may not be ready to date me he didn't want anyone else hooking up with me either.
It's weird because I know that if I did bother telling my real life friends this shit they'd think L was wonderful and J a dick head. At least J is upfront about what he wants; L is so schitzophrenic about it that I actually think the truth is closer to being the other way around.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
See a Secret; Share a Secret
I love this blog.
It updates every Sunday and doesn't archive (so check regularly) but there are books you can buy too.
It updates every Sunday and doesn't archive (so check regularly) but there are books you can buy too.
Monday, August 14, 2006
The problem is this
What if I'm starting to have real feelings for J?
I was always crushing on him. I never would have gone to his dance class by myself (being as I'm shy in social situations) but I met him the week before and he had seen me around at my job. He made me so nervous those first few weeks. He'd dance with me and I'd immediately mess up. I didn't expect the attraction to take hold quite as fiercely as it did. But now I find myself not happy when he hasn't called me or when I haven't run into him, and there is the whole raging jealousy of last week.
I saw some program a long time ago about how thee chemical released in a woman's brain during an orgasm make her start having warm, fuzzy, romantic thoughts about the guy she's just slept with. Which makes it harder for women to have just sexual encounters and is why many women have that whole "wake up in love" moment the next morning (maybe not literally the next morning). I so wanted to be able to "just have fun" with J and not get hung up on the fact that he seems to just want the sex and no strings, no dates.
I was always crushing on him. I never would have gone to his dance class by myself (being as I'm shy in social situations) but I met him the week before and he had seen me around at my job. He made me so nervous those first few weeks. He'd dance with me and I'd immediately mess up. I didn't expect the attraction to take hold quite as fiercely as it did. But now I find myself not happy when he hasn't called me or when I haven't run into him, and there is the whole raging jealousy of last week.
I saw some program a long time ago about how thee chemical released in a woman's brain during an orgasm make her start having warm, fuzzy, romantic thoughts about the guy she's just slept with. Which makes it harder for women to have just sexual encounters and is why many women have that whole "wake up in love" moment the next morning (maybe not literally the next morning). I so wanted to be able to "just have fun" with J and not get hung up on the fact that he seems to just want the sex and no strings, no dates.
Abandon all Hope
So J never did call or get back to me even though last week he said he'd have Saturday free.
I honestly thought that he'd be coming over for a romp in a completely empty house. But I have this sinking sensation that that is never going to happen. I'm trying to figure out just what the guy can have against having sex in the normal person way of inside a freakin' house and not out in public.
I went out with L on Friday. I'm beginning to wonder if he's gay. He certainly has alot of lesbian friends. I think his public display of attraction a few weeks ago at the party was an attempt to keep his lesbian friends away from me. Kind of like marking his territory. We got pizza and movies and sat on his couch on Friday. He fell asleep at the end of V for Vendetta (personally the end was the only good part). But the whole time he wanted to "snuggle" (his own word) and we ended up lying on the couch with my head on his chest. Still all I got was a hug good night. I have never in my life met a guy who comes out and says "you turn me on, I am so attracted to you" but doesn't make any move beyond the "snuggle." He's obviously gay.
I honestly thought that he'd be coming over for a romp in a completely empty house. But I have this sinking sensation that that is never going to happen. I'm trying to figure out just what the guy can have against having sex in the normal person way of inside a freakin' house and not out in public.
I went out with L on Friday. I'm beginning to wonder if he's gay. He certainly has alot of lesbian friends. I think his public display of attraction a few weeks ago at the party was an attempt to keep his lesbian friends away from me. Kind of like marking his territory. We got pizza and movies and sat on his couch on Friday. He fell asleep at the end of V for Vendetta (personally the end was the only good part). But the whole time he wanted to "snuggle" (his own word) and we ended up lying on the couch with my head on his chest. Still all I got was a hug good night. I have never in my life met a guy who comes out and says "you turn me on, I am so attracted to you" but doesn't make any move beyond the "snuggle." He's obviously gay.
Friday, August 11, 2006
How weird life gets
So I saw J the other day and he's supposed to get back to me about possibly getting together tomorrow. With any luck, if he doesn't call me I will still see him at the gym today.
I'm supposed to go out with L tonight. "Supposed to" I am going out with L tonight. After the party we were at where he got a little physical (but didn't kiss me) he didn't call me for a week. Then called me twice. I told him I had to work late to make up time, which is not a lie, but I totally forgot that we close at 6 on fridays in the summer so I'm not working late after all. Instead I'm going to go to the gym. I didn't go yesterday because I was so sore from Wednesdsay's workout. With out so many dance classes as I had this spring and the weight class which is over for now, I can feel my legs slowly losing the muscle I had built and and re-gaining fat. So I went whole hog with lower body weights and resistance. Which meant that yesterday it was especially hard to walk.
But I'm alrigh with that. I want my dancer's legs back. In 3 weeks I should be getting into a few more lessons.
I am supposed to hear from my phone interview people today. Last week exactly they said they would tell me by today if I had made the 2nd round. It's half way across the country from here, but it pays more and has benefits. I also sent in the second half of another application on wednesday, but have not heard from them either. I had a good feeling about the phone interview and really expect to hear from them. It's early in the day yet though, so maybe after lunch I'll know.
On top of that, one of my supiors sits me down today and says, I had a conversation with the Highest Boss (she's boss of everybody here) about you. He goes on to say, I didn't have to but I really built you up. Basically, my job right now is temporary and "part-time." I am replacing two people in our office, one who got promoted (she's our immediate boss now) and one on maternity leave so I do get to work full time hours with no benefits. I had heard that the one who was promoted was not going to be replaced. I have the semi-equivalent of her job for a year and after that either I move on and they replace me with some other poor sucker who just needs a paycheck and isn't too picky, or they extend my lame ass contract and continue to pay me slave wages. At least I thought that was the plan. But my superior says that he can't promise anything, but if they decide to replace the employee who got a promotion he's going to push for me to get the job. So I'd have the same job, but I'd get a salary and benefits! There is no telling when a decision like this will be made, and more than likely it is going to be one of those things where I have to apply for the job and everything (and some poor sap just like me from out-of-state is going to apply and think they actually have a chance, but instead me, the internal candidate will be rewarded with the position).
If either of the two jobs I just applied/interviewed for make me an offer I am going to have a hard decision to make. I don't "enjoy" living here. My goal is to get to a different part of the country. But at the same time I've made plans for the rest of the year. I've got J and L around here, I might get the courage to try the actual dance clubs this winter, there are dance classes I've already signed up for, and my gym membership paid for.
If I got the job here, I could move out for real and not worry about taking the first place that gives me a short term lease. I could take the nice place right next to work. I wouldn't have to get aquainted with a new town, meet new people, find new things to do. Though, a part of me is also really itching to try new things again. My wanderlust is starting to grow. I've been in this spot for 2 years now that's the longest I've stayed anywhere except for 3 years of college. Obviously moving around so much isn't conducive to having a career or a long term relationship though.
Well, all of it is a big IF anyway. The other jobs haven't contacted me and who knows when I'll know about this job becoming permanent. Limbo sucks.
I'm supposed to go out with L tonight. "Supposed to" I am going out with L tonight. After the party we were at where he got a little physical (but didn't kiss me) he didn't call me for a week. Then called me twice. I told him I had to work late to make up time, which is not a lie, but I totally forgot that we close at 6 on fridays in the summer so I'm not working late after all. Instead I'm going to go to the gym. I didn't go yesterday because I was so sore from Wednesdsay's workout. With out so many dance classes as I had this spring and the weight class which is over for now, I can feel my legs slowly losing the muscle I had built and and re-gaining fat. So I went whole hog with lower body weights and resistance. Which meant that yesterday it was especially hard to walk.
But I'm alrigh with that. I want my dancer's legs back. In 3 weeks I should be getting into a few more lessons.
I am supposed to hear from my phone interview people today. Last week exactly they said they would tell me by today if I had made the 2nd round. It's half way across the country from here, but it pays more and has benefits. I also sent in the second half of another application on wednesday, but have not heard from them either. I had a good feeling about the phone interview and really expect to hear from them. It's early in the day yet though, so maybe after lunch I'll know.
On top of that, one of my supiors sits me down today and says, I had a conversation with the Highest Boss (she's boss of everybody here) about you. He goes on to say, I didn't have to but I really built you up. Basically, my job right now is temporary and "part-time." I am replacing two people in our office, one who got promoted (she's our immediate boss now) and one on maternity leave so I do get to work full time hours with no benefits. I had heard that the one who was promoted was not going to be replaced. I have the semi-equivalent of her job for a year and after that either I move on and they replace me with some other poor sucker who just needs a paycheck and isn't too picky, or they extend my lame ass contract and continue to pay me slave wages. At least I thought that was the plan. But my superior says that he can't promise anything, but if they decide to replace the employee who got a promotion he's going to push for me to get the job. So I'd have the same job, but I'd get a salary and benefits! There is no telling when a decision like this will be made, and more than likely it is going to be one of those things where I have to apply for the job and everything (and some poor sap just like me from out-of-state is going to apply and think they actually have a chance, but instead me, the internal candidate will be rewarded with the position).
If either of the two jobs I just applied/interviewed for make me an offer I am going to have a hard decision to make. I don't "enjoy" living here. My goal is to get to a different part of the country. But at the same time I've made plans for the rest of the year. I've got J and L around here, I might get the courage to try the actual dance clubs this winter, there are dance classes I've already signed up for, and my gym membership paid for.
If I got the job here, I could move out for real and not worry about taking the first place that gives me a short term lease. I could take the nice place right next to work. I wouldn't have to get aquainted with a new town, meet new people, find new things to do. Though, a part of me is also really itching to try new things again. My wanderlust is starting to grow. I've been in this spot for 2 years now that's the longest I've stayed anywhere except for 3 years of college. Obviously moving around so much isn't conducive to having a career or a long term relationship though.
Well, all of it is a big IF anyway. The other jobs haven't contacted me and who knows when I'll know about this job becoming permanent. Limbo sucks.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Brand New Day
I decided not to allow my jealousy over J to make decisions for me and I went to workout after work yesterday. I figured I still didn't want to see him there so I went to the excersize equipment on the top floor. I was there for probably 5 minutes when I realized that my machine had an alright view to the next floor down where you could see the dance studio and the light was on. I suddenly thought that I might appear rather stalker-ish camped at a machine where I could see if J came or went from the studio. So I decided to go back down to the machines on the first floor where I could at least stare at a tv screen if I needed to ignore him. On my way down the stairs who walks by? J. I'm not sure if he saw me or not, he walked by the stairs that I was coming down, but about 5 or 10 mintues later he gets on the treadmill next to my elliptical machine. We worked out for a while and then left. I got the cds of dance music I had made for him and we sat in his car to listen to them. They won't all work for class this fall, but I think he'll be able to use a few, so that's fine, considering they were free on-line.
And then we had sex in his car again and he said he'd see if he could make it to my place on saturday.
And then we had sex in his car again and he said he'd see if he could make it to my place on saturday.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
When will I learn?
When I started this blog it was because I knew that my friends would not like to hear what would go in it. Somethings just shouldn't be shared with others. Maybe that makes me a bad friend, or maybe that makes them bad friends I don't know.
Friends are supposed to make you feel better, better about life, better about yourself. Sure the truth can be a good thing and sometimes it hurts, but when is it a good idea to use hurtful words when telling someone you disagree with their actions?
I made the mistake of telling a friend that I was mad about a guy not calling me back. She doesn't know the particulars and immeiately launches into what a dirt bag he must be etc etc. The more I get to know this person, the more I want to un-know her.
I've seen her high at work, I've seen her high before and after driving. She's always negative and has the worst attitude about work and the customers. Sure I can't stand them sometimes too, but I don't talk about them or make faces when they are right there walking away and other customers can see you!
Why oh why did I think it was a good idea to mention my life to her? All she did was make me feel worse. That isn't what friends do. I'm supposed to have plans with her and some others later in the month. I'm wondering how I can get out of it.
Friends are supposed to make you feel better, better about life, better about yourself. Sure the truth can be a good thing and sometimes it hurts, but when is it a good idea to use hurtful words when telling someone you disagree with their actions?
I made the mistake of telling a friend that I was mad about a guy not calling me back. She doesn't know the particulars and immeiately launches into what a dirt bag he must be etc etc. The more I get to know this person, the more I want to un-know her.
I've seen her high at work, I've seen her high before and after driving. She's always negative and has the worst attitude about work and the customers. Sure I can't stand them sometimes too, but I don't talk about them or make faces when they are right there walking away and other customers can see you!
Why oh why did I think it was a good idea to mention my life to her? All she did was make me feel worse. That isn't what friends do. I'm supposed to have plans with her and some others later in the month. I'm wondering how I can get out of it.
Being Busy
I meant to mention something about how guys always want you when you're doing something else. That happens to me alot, as soon as I start doing something else or make other plans, the guy I was trying to get off my mind comes calling.
I was going to do that today and tomorrow (since I already have plans for Friday) and the weekend.
But I'm so sad right now. I think I came down off my caffeine buzz.
I'm trying to finish a job application and I can't for the life of me think about it enough to form a complete sentence. "Describe a personnel problem and how you dealt with it." I'm not in fucking personnel. I'm in customer service. That's what I'd like to write, but obviously then I wouldn't get hired, I probably wouldn't get an interview. So instead I've got to BS something about something else. I don't even know.
More J related bull shit: I wonder if I shouldn't have mentioned my job interview on Friday (yeah, an interview, but that doesn't mean I stop applying for other stuff I've been turned down too often to fall into that trap). It was just a phone interview and I didn't tell J that it was out of state so he can't be feeling bad about that.
What the Fuck is his problem? Why doesn't he want me when I want him? I am hating him so much right now.
I was going to do that today and tomorrow (since I already have plans for Friday) and the weekend.
But I'm so sad right now. I think I came down off my caffeine buzz.
I'm trying to finish a job application and I can't for the life of me think about it enough to form a complete sentence. "Describe a personnel problem and how you dealt with it." I'm not in fucking personnel. I'm in customer service. That's what I'd like to write, but obviously then I wouldn't get hired, I probably wouldn't get an interview. So instead I've got to BS something about something else. I don't even know.
More J related bull shit: I wonder if I shouldn't have mentioned my job interview on Friday (yeah, an interview, but that doesn't mean I stop applying for other stuff I've been turned down too often to fall into that trap). It was just a phone interview and I didn't tell J that it was out of state so he can't be feeling bad about that.
What the Fuck is his problem? Why doesn't he want me when I want him? I am hating him so much right now.
The Green-Eyed Monster
I heard from J on Friday before I went away for the weekend. I was not going be around monday either, so he said he'd "check his schedule" and call me. WHich never happened. I don't understand how someone can be sweet enough to call for no reason but to say "hi, how's it going" and still not manage to call when he says he will. Granted I was out of my service area for 3 days, but I got the voicemail that L left me, so their is no reason to think that I wouldn't have gotten one if J had called (unless he didn't leave a message. But then, what would be the point of him checking his schedule and getting back to me if he wasn't going to leave a message...and he actually said, "if you don't pick up, I'll leave a message.")
So anyway, my thought was to call him and let him know that I was back, but I thought no...I've been through this before. I don't call! He said he would call me, and gosh darn it he's gonna call, or he doesn't hear from me. And if for some reason J's voicemail did mysteriously disapear, you'd think after a couple days, if he really wanted some action he'd call back. L did after I didn't back to him, J could too. So, no I didn't call J and I went to the gym to work out yesterday where I ran into him. I always know this is a possibility, I think it's one of the things that keeps me going to the gym as much as I do. I even was hoping that, like a couple of weeks ago, if I did run into him that maybe he'd want to dance, so I even packed my dance shoes in my gym bag. (How much of a moron can I be?) Well, he was there. He said hi, asked how my weekend was, then said "well, have a good workout" and then as I'm getting myself situated on a treadmill he meets up with some other girl and goes upstairs with her.
Now if he were a personal trainer, I wouldn't think it was weird. But, I totally recognized this girl from one of the dance classes. Which means...he was dancing with her! Maybe it seems like I'm jumping to conclusions, but I saw him come back down stairs get keys and go up again. Keys for the dance studio Oh, my gosh, I was livid. It's so stupid too. I know it's just dumb jealousy. He told me last week that he might not be available on tuesday and earlier that week he told me he was doing some out of session classes for people who couldn't make it in september, but still I was angry. So much so that I ran alot faster than I should have on the treadmill, got a bad cramp and had to stop my workout earlier than I wanted. But, at the same time I was glad to leave before I saw J again. The last thing I wanted to do was try to be nice when I was so angry. Or worse actually be nice to him when I saw him.
What makes me angry really is myself. J is not my boyfriend. Even if he were I'd still have no say in who he sees. As it stands I have no hold on J what-so-ever. Part of me doesn't want to be the booty-call. Just waiting for him to want some and then being available. But then I don't also want to be the one calling him for it either. And I don't want to stop seeing him.
So it leaves with a whole lot of nowhere.
I was really hoping that, like last week, when J saw me at the gym and he called me, that he would yesterday too. But he didn't. A part of me really hates him right now. I hate that I'm so upset about too. I had planned on going and working out today after work, since yesterday's was cut short, but I don't want to run into J right now and I don't want my feelings about seeing him dictate whether I go to the GD gym or not. (I hate myself right now) I've been wondering if maybe he is weirded out because I invited him over to my house. I don't see why it should though. I just wanted to give us an option that isn't the back seat of his car. And that part of the conversation went:
Me: Yay I'm so happy! My parents are out of town.
J: How long for?
Me: A long ass time.Weeks and weeks.
J: Well, maybe we can get together outside of the car then.
Me: Yeah, you can come over maybe.
At which point he said he would, but he didn't know when because he's pretty "booked." Booked? with what? other girls? other booty? Fine, what do I care? Except I do.
L called me as I was leaving the gym yesterday. I felt like shit so the conversation was little weird. Basically we have plans for Friday. I'm a little peeved that he called me a week after the party we went to where was all "you turn me on me on so much" "you're so hot" "you're so beautiful." But he called back, he actually wanted to see me. Which is more than I can say for some people (J).
So anyway, my thought was to call him and let him know that I was back, but I thought no...I've been through this before. I don't call! He said he would call me, and gosh darn it he's gonna call, or he doesn't hear from me. And if for some reason J's voicemail did mysteriously disapear, you'd think after a couple days, if he really wanted some action he'd call back. L did after I didn't back to him, J could too. So, no I didn't call J and I went to the gym to work out yesterday where I ran into him. I always know this is a possibility, I think it's one of the things that keeps me going to the gym as much as I do. I even was hoping that, like a couple of weeks ago, if I did run into him that maybe he'd want to dance, so I even packed my dance shoes in my gym bag. (How much of a moron can I be?) Well, he was there. He said hi, asked how my weekend was, then said "well, have a good workout" and then as I'm getting myself situated on a treadmill he meets up with some other girl and goes upstairs with her.
Now if he were a personal trainer, I wouldn't think it was weird. But, I totally recognized this girl from one of the dance classes. Which means...he was dancing with her! Maybe it seems like I'm jumping to conclusions, but I saw him come back down stairs get keys and go up again. Keys for the dance studio Oh, my gosh, I was livid. It's so stupid too. I know it's just dumb jealousy. He told me last week that he might not be available on tuesday and earlier that week he told me he was doing some out of session classes for people who couldn't make it in september, but still I was angry. So much so that I ran alot faster than I should have on the treadmill, got a bad cramp and had to stop my workout earlier than I wanted. But, at the same time I was glad to leave before I saw J again. The last thing I wanted to do was try to be nice when I was so angry. Or worse actually be nice to him when I saw him.
What makes me angry really is myself. J is not my boyfriend. Even if he were I'd still have no say in who he sees. As it stands I have no hold on J what-so-ever. Part of me doesn't want to be the booty-call. Just waiting for him to want some and then being available. But then I don't also want to be the one calling him for it either. And I don't want to stop seeing him.
So it leaves with a whole lot of nowhere.
I was really hoping that, like last week, when J saw me at the gym and he called me, that he would yesterday too. But he didn't. A part of me really hates him right now. I hate that I'm so upset about too. I had planned on going and working out today after work, since yesterday's was cut short, but I don't want to run into J right now and I don't want my feelings about seeing him dictate whether I go to the GD gym or not. (I hate myself right now) I've been wondering if maybe he is weirded out because I invited him over to my house. I don't see why it should though. I just wanted to give us an option that isn't the back seat of his car. And that part of the conversation went:
Me: Yay I'm so happy! My parents are out of town.
J: How long for?
Me: A long ass time.Weeks and weeks.
J: Well, maybe we can get together outside of the car then.
Me: Yeah, you can come over maybe.
At which point he said he would, but he didn't know when because he's pretty "booked." Booked? with what? other girls? other booty? Fine, what do I care? Except I do.
L called me as I was leaving the gym yesterday. I felt like shit so the conversation was little weird. Basically we have plans for Friday. I'm a little peeved that he called me a week after the party we went to where was all "you turn me on me on so much" "you're so hot" "you're so beautiful." But he called back, he actually wanted to see me. Which is more than I can say for some people (J).
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Turned out to be
71 hours almost exactly. Just barely shy of 3 days later.
And I'm fairly sure J only called me because he saw me at the gym. It pissed me off to no end. I was getting seriously worried when I didn't see him there. I was imagining all sorts of horendous things that ment he couldn't be at work on a tuesday when I saw him walk by while I was on the treadmill. He didn' stop to say hi or anything. But I get out to my car and I've got a message. Turns out he was only calling to tell me that he can't have me assist him in the dance classes after all, because the place won't pay an outsider for the class. There are all these rules about it or something. Personally, I wasn't going to do it to get paid. I just wanted to get into the classes for free. But, if the gym can't find him an assistant, I might just suggest to J that I come to the classes as if I were a student and if he needs me to help I will. That way nobody gets into trouble.
I mentioned again that I had CDs for him. He started to say that he'd gotten my my message, but...and I cut him continuing about the CDs. Frankly I don't want an excuse as to why he didn't feel the need to call me.
And I'm fairly sure J only called me because he saw me at the gym. It pissed me off to no end. I was getting seriously worried when I didn't see him there. I was imagining all sorts of horendous things that ment he couldn't be at work on a tuesday when I saw him walk by while I was on the treadmill. He didn' stop to say hi or anything. But I get out to my car and I've got a message. Turns out he was only calling to tell me that he can't have me assist him in the dance classes after all, because the place won't pay an outsider for the class. There are all these rules about it or something. Personally, I wasn't going to do it to get paid. I just wanted to get into the classes for free. But, if the gym can't find him an assistant, I might just suggest to J that I come to the classes as if I were a student and if he needs me to help I will. That way nobody gets into trouble.
I mentioned again that I had CDs for him. He started to say that he'd gotten my my message, but...and I cut him continuing about the CDs. Frankly I don't want an excuse as to why he didn't feel the need to call me.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
A little consideration would be nice
70 hours and counting. (I wish I had internet at home, I'd give exact 12/24 hour counts)
My frustration is this: J asked me to find dance music. So when I called him over the weekend I said I had found some and had it burned on CDs. Now if you asked someone for something and they said they had it for you wouldn't you call them back?
I want to go to the gym and work out since I haven't in days, but I don't want to see him. I don't want to run into him and hear about why he hasn't called.
I just don't want to deal.
On the other hand. L hasn't called either since the dirty dancing party and I don't even care.
My frustration is this: J asked me to find dance music. So when I called him over the weekend I said I had found some and had it burned on CDs. Now if you asked someone for something and they said they had it for you wouldn't you call them back?
I want to go to the gym and work out since I haven't in days, but I don't want to see him. I don't want to run into him and hear about why he hasn't called.
I just don't want to deal.
On the other hand. L hasn't called either since the dirty dancing party and I don't even care.
Karmic retribution
63.5 hours and counting.
I'm not sure if I should be livid with anger or worried. I haven't seen J out and about yesterday or today like I normally do. With the heat advisory I should't take that as a bad sign, but still.
I'm wondering what excuse I'll get when I do see/hear from J. I've already heard the broken phone, and family obligation (twice) excuses.
Regardless of whether he's dead in a ditch somewhere, been fired, insanely busy, doing it with another girl or blowing me off I realized last night that this is Karma. I blew off the X for a weekend, which I think translates to me not getting what I want for 6 days. It's not the first time I guess, from the dance to last week J and I went 2 weeks with out seeing each other. So I don't know why I'm freaking now.
I'm not sure if I should be livid with anger or worried. I haven't seen J out and about yesterday or today like I normally do. With the heat advisory I should't take that as a bad sign, but still.
I'm wondering what excuse I'll get when I do see/hear from J. I've already heard the broken phone, and family obligation (twice) excuses.
Regardless of whether he's dead in a ditch somewhere, been fired, insanely busy, doing it with another girl or blowing me off I realized last night that this is Karma. I blew off the X for a weekend, which I think translates to me not getting what I want for 6 days. It's not the first time I guess, from the dance to last week J and I went 2 weeks with out seeing each other. So I don't know why I'm freaking now.
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