Friday, April 28, 2006

All caught up

So that was all that was in the Live Journal...now for a bit of an update...

I feel like a whore and I hate myself.

I mistakenly thought that the X asked me out to dinner for the pleasure of my company or for a conversation about what the fuck we've been doing for the past month. yeah, we had fun. Dinner was okay and then we killed time in a bookstore, but it was all a clever ploy to get in my pants.

I didn't want to do it. I wanted to just go home. I was tired and I wanted to get up early to go to the gym. I finally got to my goal weight and in the past couple of weeks it has crept up +4. Normally that wouldn't bother me, but I can feel my skinny jeans getting tighter in the thighs and it freaks me out. With finals I haven't exercised as much as I'd like and I was binge-ing. I'm not mia so purging wasn't really an option, though I tried a couple of times, I just couldn't get everything up.

But back to the topic at hand...I gave in. I didn't want to, but it seemed so much easier to just let him fuck me and go home than try to explain to him why I didn't want to have sex with him anymore and probably have him beg. Yes, earlier in the week on the phone he begged me to come over. When I put my foot down and said no, he said the least I could do was take some photos with my phone and send them to him. *gross*

I closed my eyes, I felt like a dead fish, I tried to think of other guys that I find really attractive and I tried not to cry afterwards. He wanted me to spend the night and he kept telling me what a great time he had at dinner. He was coming up with all these other things we should do together.

I don't think he got the X-girlfriend memo. The one that says You broke up with me, you fucking prick. Okay, so I never sent that memo....but I'm going to. But first I'm going to ignore him for a week and see if that makes things better or worse.

As for the Man. I think that in his world I no longer exist. I'm beginning to wonder if the X has talked about our get togethers to mutual friends of his and the Man's. It would explain the fact that he no longer comes around to the desk. But...he still hangs out with that girl with a boyfriend, buys her stuff, and takes her out...she's totally boning somebody else. Which means, the Man just doesn't like me.

April 21, 2006

The X wants a booty-call. He flippin' told me as much.

And the man I want has spent the whole week ignoring me. I think he's with, or at least still chasing, some girl who has a boyfriend. A boyfriend she has made clear in the past year that she is not going to dump.

I dreamt about him this morning. I was drifting off after resetting my alarm and I had this crazy sex dream about the Man. We were at a staff meeting and we proceeded to get it on with me sitting on his lap. It was kind of surreal. I wish all staff meetings were like that. :)

I wish life was like that in general. Rather than being ignored. Not being asked out for a second "date" (if that was what dinner was three weeks ago).

I am hoping beyond hope that I am PMSing otherwise I'm just pathetic for wanting to cry right now.

April 20, 2006

What the Hell is Wrong with ME?

That guy I want...nay...the man that I want. I fantasize about him constantly. After the initial "apology" flip out that I had, I calmed down. We talk now and then when he's passing by at work, we've traded a couple of myspace messages and he took me out to dinner once. Still and all we're just friends. I can't help wanting him though. I try to imagine all the senarios in which I might possibly get him to kiss me. But I've yet to be in any such situation. I mean if he didn't try to make a move after taking me out he's never going to right?

So in order to get out my physical urges I have been answering the booty-calls of the X. Two weeks in a row now. It starts out friendly just hanging or saying hi, but we both know why we we're hanging out and inevitably we end up f*cking. I've stayed the night too and we did it the next morning.

Which leads me to feeling aweful. Certainly I should have more self respect than to sleep with a guy who broke up with me. And while it seems like a good idea the night of, the next morning generally I only do it because I didn't wake up in time to sneak out. Then there is the fact that the whole time I'm thinking about the other guy. It's hard... they are nothing a like physically, but still I do my best.

I totally get that I'm selling myself short, but at the same time, if man #1 doesn't want me and the ex is willing to get it on should I really be second guessing this?

February 23, 2006

Big Fat Pig:

Oh my goodness! I totally binged today and now I feel totally gross and bloated. I went through Doritos, Chex Mix, Coke, Tostitos, Bean dip, cheese dip, salsa and I feel like I'm gonna explode any minute.

My goal for tomorrow...work out like a maniac. If only I didn't have the late shift tonight and the early shift tomorrow. It might have to be nap and then work out like a maniac. I just hope I don't slip into a food coma on the drive home.

February 6th, 2006

-9

I'm still 14 pounds away from my goal and really want to be -5 in two weeks. I know that one is do-able. I just need to work out a little harder than I have been.

The problem is that the past few days I have been really down. Sobbed my eyes out last night, the first time in weeks, because of the X. Today he walked in and out of my work without even a glance in my direction, smiling & talking with his friends. A guy came in and got pissed because I wouldn't give him my pen. Then called me "baby." My pet peeve. He's not my father, I'm probably older than him! I know guys use it when I'm at work to make themselves feel better for coming up to my desk and asking a question or because I look young, but it pisses me off to no end. I was already in a bad mood...now I want to rip off the head of the next guy that walks in here.

January 28, 2006

That was really unfair of me:

So, I realize that my rant of earlier in the week was totally unfair to this man.

I have no way of knowing whether or not he's a "slut." And I feel really bad now for thinking that he is. I think he's just really hung up on this girl who won't leave her boyfriend, even though this guy that I like treats her way better.

He's still been really friendly to me and I think that I can manage to not be akward or anything.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

January 23, 3006

Hissing, spitting mad:

How could I have possibly have been dissed by the biggest man-whore I know? Seriously.As if I wasn't bad off already, dieting in the extreme, exercizing every day, sometimes two or three times a day. As if I didn't already feel huge and fat and ugly.

A little background for you:
On Friday I went out with a co-worker to see a third collegue's new music group play. The last band to play sucked so my friend and I went to the back of the bar to play pool...as far from the speakers as possible. When the guy I was there to see came by to mingle and we flirted a bit. Nothing major I sat on his lap while my friend played pool with someone else and we just chatted. It was just kind of nice seeing as I've been without male attention for 6 weeks.

Today he comes up to me and apologizes for being "innapropriate." Inappropriate!! And he said sorry. That pisses me off. Sorry means, "I wish I hadn'd done it." I didn't think he was a jerk for flirting with me. It's not like he has a girlfriend (yeah, he's got a girl he bones sometimes, but everyone knows she's a whore and doesn't constitute a real relationship). And it isn't as if I was expecting a date, or sex, or a marriage proposal. It was nice friendly flirting and I knew I was having a good time because the whole time we were chatting I didn't obsess about whether I was crushing his legs with my weight.

So now he says sorry...and I'm thinking...oh my god I really am horrible and disgusting and he must be appalled with himself.

Great...I've gone from angry to depressed in the time it took me to write this.

January 12, 2006

Feeling Somewhat Better:

It makes no sense. I couldn't sleep at all last night, but I took something for the past two nights and didn't want to be groggy yet again. So I toughed it out. I can't seem to stop myself from crying at the drop of a hat. I can't even claim that I am crying myself to sleep, because I'm not sleeping. I think around 3am I finally got the cat to come sleep on the bed. Around 4 I think I dozed. Up at 7:30 for work, and that was coming in late.

Well some of my work load got put off. Turns out that the grant proposal I was writing would never be approved in time to make the deadline. So I get to shelve it for a bit.
That's the only reason I'm making it through the day.

1/2 hour left of work and then 3 hours of class.

I want so badly to head to the gym instad, but I know I can't. I worked out tuesday, and yesterday, I should feel okay taking the day off, but I feel the need to run. I don't even do it that well.I blame the X. Every time a guy dumps me, or chooses another girl over me I need to run. I swear, the only time I exercise is when I'm miserable.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

January 11th, 2006

Just Getting Through It:

A month ago my boyfriend of over a year broke-up with me...over the phone.

While he said alot of stuff, what it all boiled down to was the classic "It's not you. It's me." It's a lie. It's both of us.

I try to convince myself that the reasons are numerous and complex, really they aren't. We just got tired of each other. We'd gotten to the point where we wouldn't talk to each other for days. He didn't mind being in the same house different rooms, doing the exact same things. If we did go out the silences were long and awkward. A year ago we would only get a few hours of sleep because we'd stay up talking. We'd be on the phone for more than an hour and still have a ton left to talk about.

A year ago we'd go to bed at the same time and the sex was great. Toward the end it got to the point where one of us would make excused for not being ready for bed so that the other would be asleep and we wouldn't have to go through the motions of monotonous love making.

I'd like to blame it all on him. He grew away from me. He didn't want to be around me. He didn't find me interesting or attractive anymore. But I never tried to fight it. My apathy killed our relationship just as much as his attitude did.

All this was right before finals time and the holidays. I've not had alot of time to really think about and feel what's happened. Now I do and I'm uncontrollably saddened. I miss what we used to have and I wish I had done something more to save it. I don't think we'll ever speak to each other again, much less actually reconcile or even become friends. And the idea of losing this person completely from my life makes me want to curl up in a ball and never face the world again.

 
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